to refuse to send our DD in a school trip with the girl that bullied her?

[ineedaholiday2]

HI all,

Our daughter was bullied by a couple of other girls in her class last year. She has been in therapy since we found out, having very low self esteem and even entertaining suicidal thoughts. The headteacher spoke with the other girls back then and and while things have gotten better, they are nowhere close to be ‘friends’. Our daughter is still in therapy, battling depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

Now their class are going on the final school trip for a week without parents, and their teachers have put our daughter in the same room as one of the girls who bullied her. We think this is extremely irresponsible, and couldn’t believe it when they told us. Their reasoning is that there haven’t been any issues between We will not let her go on this trip if they don’t change her room, even though we have already payed around £300 for it and she will be heartbroken to have to stay while the whole class goes away. The whole thing just seems so unfair to her and insensitive from the adults.

Please tell me if there is anything we can do to protest if they dont’ change their minds, anything at all we can do. This is a primary state school.

Thanks in advance

Then you must talk to the school andpointout your dd has mental health issues which will be exa rebated by the current arrangement and they have a duty of care to your dd.

we can’t change the groups around anymore.

Why do they say 'anymore'? Have there already been some changes?

I would write a letter detailing the ongoing effects that this child's behaviour has had on you DD, that they are failing to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate her mental health needs and that you wish for either the matter to be resolved to your satisfaction, or you would like a complete refund and details how to make a formal complaint and I would copy it to the chair of governors as well as the head teacher.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable and they have a duty of care to your child. I would be outraged in your position. Is there a teacher who is responsible for mental heath issues/SEND who you could get onside to help you negotiate. Also would your DDs therapist be able to send a quick email of support on your behalf?

I hope this gets resolved

I am guessing they have multiple parents stipulating their dc must not be with such and such, and teachers advising 'for
Gods sake do not put Agnes in with Bertha.
If it was a small room I could see your pov but there are 15 people in each.

You need to go in to see the head in person. Don't be fobbed off. Refuse to leave until you have spoken with head.

Calmly tell head that being roomed with this girl will have a detrimental effect on DDs mental health and they are failing in their duty of care to your DD. Tell head that you will be escalating this to the governors, the education authority and Ofsted.

Good luck OP. You and your DD deserve so much better.

That is absolutely disgraceful behaviour from the school. I would go to the school asap, ask to speak to whoever makes the decisions, reiterate your very valid concerns and also ask for details of their complaints procedure and contact details for the board of governers.
I wonder if the girl is a known problem so they have put her in a room with girls who might not be so eager to kick off with her if she starts.

OP, this is totally unacceptable - the school is failing in their (statutory) duty of care. In this situation, I would definitely keep her home, and then pursue a formal complaint and get your money back.

I really really feel for you and your DD. This was us a few years ago. My dd was bullied in primary, and I regret not pulling her out of there for the last term. She didn't go on the class trip - she really really didn't want to, and in the end we had a lovely week.

Bullying leaves a real psychological scar, and good for you for getting your DD help with her anxiety and depression. I'd like to give you a bit of hope here... my daughter, after some time and therapy and change of school (move to secondary) now has a terrific circle of friends, is not bullied at all, and is a strong, confident and joyful girl. It's a terrible period to go through (for both you and her). I remember holding her sobbing at night, drying her tears and soothing her to sleep, and then I'd go downstairs and cry myself. It's fucking awful, but it won't last forever, and it won't kill your DD. And there is a very different sunnier future ahead!

Sending love and

Sod the trip, keep her home and do some fun things with her that week instead. The school are being negligent.

@ineedaholiday2 DD was in similar situation in year 6 with a friend turned bully. I emailed the teacher in charge of the trip and explained delicately that they must not be in the same form. School confirmed this would not happen.

It seems to be going out of their way to create a potential issue that’s easily avoided if they just swap rooms. Odd considering there is a history between them that the school is aware of.

Given your DD’s fragile MH, I’d speak to the school and potentially the governors if the school won’t move on this as it seems deliberately difficult to insist they share.

*dorm not form

It sounds as though the school don't believe the low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression has anything to do with last year's bullying.

I have drafted this email. I feel unable to speak about this face-to-face as I am too emotional, so I thought that an email or written letter would be best.

Can you please give me your thoughts on the below?

"[Name of head], just to follow on this, and re-reading your email, I am shocked that you are unable to see the gravity of the situation.

It’s true that there were different teachers last year, so I can understand up to a point if they don’t know, but you were aware of everything that our daughter went through, including depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. She might seem fine, but she is not and putting her in the same room as [bully] is extremely irresponsible. As her parents, we will not allow this.

We think that the school is neglecting our daughter's welfare by not taking this matter seriously. f you insist on not changing her we will have no option other than to take our appeal further to the next stage, and complain to LA and Ofsted.

To resume, in order to resolve this situation we are asking:

1. That she is not put in the same bedroom as [bully] or in the same activity group during the school journey
2. That all adults in the school journey are aware of this situation

I hope you reconsider your decision."

I'm sorry, I know it's a bit harsh and English is not our first language, so any thoughts on how to improve it would be much appreciated.

escalate governors etc as suggested. And follow through with it. Dont be fobbed off, dont budge an inch. Try for refund , but in your position Id rather lose the money than send her to hell for a week! All the work of the therapy will be undone . Whats happening for next September? If shes going to year 7 in the same school as these girls you need to make sure you speak to the school now to make sure theyre not in the same form.

I was bullied at secondary school in my first year in particular by two girls in my class. One was the ringleader, the other was her enabler. The dynamic changed however when they were separated. The enabler was quite ok. The ringleader was considerably more tolerable. Do you think that there could be a possibility that they are deliberately trying to separate the two girls to remove their power? If so, there is a chance that your daughter could find out that they are weaker when separated and actually be less intimidated. It may completely change the dynamic all round. If she is genuinely suicidal, then I would say that she's probably too fragile to go, regardless. Tbh, I think that a week away is too long for primary school children. I certainly would have been homesick. I would go in and speak to the head face to face about this. I think that you'll get a better response if you can explain the situation properly. Is there anyone who could pick her up if she was upset for any reason? Could you reassure her that she could go, but if she wants to come home, you will be able to get her (would the school/teacher drive her to the nearest train station and you get the train?). As someone who suffers from anxiety and was bullied, I do get how frightening this must be. But sometimes you also have to face your fears in order to get better. Obviously, as her parents, you have to decide whether she is strong enough to face her fears right now. I do think that it's absolute bollocks for the school not to change the group's. They could easily do that. It's certainly not too late for them to.
Good luck. I hope that you resolve this, that she feels able to go and that she has a brilliant time.

@ineedaholiday2 could you contact the therapist and ask him/her to tell the school it's an awful idea for your dd.

ffs ..."she has a brilliant time". oh my lordy!

what utter shit

Wow, that is crazy and just wrong.

Raise holy hell. Demand your money back.

OP, don't apologise for it being harsh. It needs to be!

Instead of saying you will take your appeal further, you need to say you will be taking your complaint further.

Also state you will be taking your complaint to the board of governors as well as local authority and Ofsted.

Great letter. I would state that you want a written response detailing their plans for keeping your dd safe and state a deadline for them to reply. Also ask for your email and any associated responses to be copied to the chair of governors, this will send a stronger message.

I think this is a good letter op. I would add something along the lines of “We see this is a failure to safeguard (dds name) and as a result we will be forced to remove her from the school trip if (Head teachers name) does not reconsider his decision.”

Write this letter to the governors. Hand deliver it. The school will give you the names of the governors or you can find it on the website.

The head is an arsehole. Your poor dd.

Just seen your email. I know that you're worried about getting too emotional face to face, but I think that they really need to see the impact that this is having on your family. Would it really matter is you did burst into tears? My concern is that the tone of your email is a little harsh/direct and may lead to them digging their heels in out of stubbornness. People often don't like to back down, teachers especially. They've made a career out of standing firm when needed. I personally wouldn't threaten them, but I think that you should definitely say that they are neglecting their duty of care and remind them of this. Just speak from your heart.

I really feel for your DD. When I was a similar age going on a school trip the teachers actually put bullies and their favourite victims in tents together and the reasoning was "they will bond".

Ended up having everything in my case destroyed while I slept and they hid my sanitary towels so I had to head to the teachers tent the next morning to ask for one. Then mine were thrown at me at the lunch table.

Just utterly refuse to send DD unless they change the groups. I know that's not helpful advice and very obvious but it's all I can think of. Say if they refuse to do this then you willl be in touch with the LEA etc and shame them for violating their anti bullying policy. I'm certain this will violate something in the policy.

Sorry change “remove” to “withdraw”. I have a migraine today. Difficult to find the words.

I would ask the school why she cannot be swapped with another girl given the history of bullying by these girls previously and the fact there have been no recent issues is neither here or there, this is your daughters time to leave primary with some happy memories and not memories or her being bullied.

I would ask them to show some compassion and if it was a child of there’s would they really be comfortable with the situation, I suspect not.