to refuse to send our DD in a school trip with the girl that bullied her?

[ineedaholiday2]

HI all,

Our daughter was bullied by a couple of other girls in her class last year. She has been in therapy since we found out, having very low self esteem and even entertaining suicidal thoughts. The headteacher spoke with the other girls back then and and while things have gotten better, they are nowhere close to be ‘friends’. Our daughter is still in therapy, battling depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

Now their class are going on the final school trip for a week without parents, and their teachers have put our daughter in the same room as one of the girls who bullied her. We think this is extremely irresponsible, and couldn’t believe it when they told us. Their reasoning is that there haven’t been any issues between We will not let her go on this trip if they don’t change her room, even though we have already payed around £300 for it and she will be heartbroken to have to stay while the whole class goes away. The whole thing just seems so unfair to her and insensitive from the adults.

Please tell me if there is anything we can do to protest if they dont’ change their minds, anything at all we can do. This is a primary state school.

Thanks in advance

OP, my child went on a residential several weeks ago. He was in a cabin with a person who had recently been pretty mean to him. I talked to his teacher the day they were due to leave and he was able to rejig the cabins so that my son and the boy who'd teased him were not together. With 4 hours notice.

So I think your daughter's school is talking bollocks. They could swap her if they tried hard enough.

I don't think that that email is harsh at all.

In fact I'd be doubting their ability to keep her safe with the breezy "I'm think they'll all have a great time".

And maybe speak to your DDs therapist so they can provide supporting evidence and state in your email that you will have a letter of support from your DDs therapist that will be sent onto governors/LA/Ofsted when your complaint is escalated.

Out of interest, how did the school resolve the bullying last year? The way they are acting shows a complete lack of understanding of bullying and mental health.

It’s great, your last line could be stronger. Not hope etc

And any safeguarding people on here may have advice on language they would listen to

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. The school did the same to my DD, just we didn't know about it until afterwards. I'd specifically said DD was only going if she didn't share a room with her bully. The Head had the good grace to be mortified it had happened, but damage done - bully had kept them all awake all night, been vile to the staff, was almost sent home and had all privileges taken away upon return. Mum then took her out of school thankfully.

And yes, now diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and having therapy. Don't do it.

OP, could I suggest the following changes?

"[Name of head], I’m surprised that you fail to see the gravity of the situation

It’s true that there were different teachers last year, but as headteacher you were aware of everything that our daughter went through, and the relevant teachers should be informed accordingly. She is currently under professional care for depression and anxiety. Putting her in the same room as [bully] is irresponsible and a failure of your duty of care.

In order to resolve this situation we must insist:

1. That she is not put in the same bedroom as [bully] or in the same activity group during the school journey
2. That all adults in the school journey are aware of this situation

I hope you reconsider. If you insist on the current arrangements, then we will have no other option but to take our complaint further to the next stage and keep our daughter home.

They will change the rooms I’m sure.

I can’t believe they won’t change rooms! What possible reason would prevent them? I work in a primary school and we recently had a residential trip. Our head would change them with no hesitation.

To those suggesting a supporting letter from the therapist, I really don't think that is necessary or appropriate. The girl has been bullied. At school. There is a record of this and the school are aware of the situation. And yet they are choosing to place her in harm's way by putting her in the same room as the bully. One shouldn't have to give details of the girl's distress via a statement from the therapist. It should be crystal clear that this is an astonishing bad idea.

I have to say that I wouldn't, at this point, trust the school.

I would give the school a choice:

A refund in full
Or they move your dd to a room with kinder children

I would escalate to the board of governors if the email does not change the logistics of this trip. I would also think very carefully about dd going at all, with teachers that are so hopeless and emotionally vacant. Can you really be sure they will take care of her? Or that the bullies won't be a problem once there.

Given the fragile state of your dd, I would be insisting on a refund and using the money to take her somewhere else. As a special trip just for her.

If this goes wrong, it could have a huge and detrimental impact on your dd's mental health.

take our appeal further to the next stage, and complain to LA and Ofsted.

This is not the next stage. You need to follow the school complaint policy which will be on their website. Neither Ofsted or the LA will be interested as you will have not followed the procedures. They will refer you back to the school to complete the process.

I wouldn't send her if this was my dd just to be clear. Forget about moving her around, after this ridiculous episode all confidence that they could take care of her properly would have evaporated.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I agree with Littlekitty.

Pull her out of this and get a refund. Spend it on something really nice. And DO take the complaint further.

wow that is evil. honestly, they know what the problem was yet put her in a room for a week back in that situation?

please protect your daughter from it - as you are doing. can the therapist write to them too explaining the impact it's had on her?

bloody stupid.

Can you get a letter from your DD's GP? Ask them to say that in their medical opinion, they consider the actions of xx (the bully) to have contributed to DD's anxiety and depression. As such they consider it a medical request that DD is in a different room and work group. If the school cannot fulfil this request and duty of care then the GP supports your decision that DD cannot attend.

We had a rather similar issue with DS and his GP (and his consultant) both offered repeatedly to write to the school requesting they manage the bullies appropriately.

Ok in refusing to change the rooms around they are
neglecting to ensure her safety and their duty of care
effectively excluding her from the trip on the basis of her mental health
Which is disgusting behaviour and you could argue was discriminatory
Please send your email and then insist on going in. Can someone go with you to be supportive and speak if you get upset?

I would use cingolimama's version.

Your letter isn't harsh but it's not as firm as it could/should be.

The head's email suggests they view this as a personality clash not a safeguarding issue and that is unacceptable.

How old is the head?

You need to follow the actual complaints process. Governors not Ofsted.

Whilst there is value in making your initial points in writing, this might be better resolved speaking in person even if you get upset. Can you take someone with you as support?

I'd arrange a face to face with him and I would sit in his office until the groups were changed. I have done this over a similar matter.

Is there meant to be some sway when we use the words "shocked and dismayed"; because perhaps they could be put in there.

I think it's wonderfully written when you state English isn't your first lesson. I will never have that level of competency in any language I speak (other than English).

When I was in year six, I was in a room with my best friend and a girl who absolutely hated me for no reason I have ever been able to find out. That was hard enough, until they then put a girl with epilepsy and SEN into our room as well (girl bullied me) because they wanted her to have some experience of staying with her peers and not her support assistant.

It was not the happiest trip for me.

Sorry, skipped through this a bit so don't want to repeat what others may have already said.
Firstly, it's no too late for them to change the rooms around and put this girl in another room.
Secondly, sending you a massive compassionate hug as the same thing has happened to my DD.
DEMAND that they switch this girl out of the room. Go on, go for it, go and see the teacher and kick up a massive fucking fuss!

Dear [Name of head],

I’m surprised and disappointed that you fail to see the gravity of this situation.

Despite a change of class teacher since the main incidence of bullying you were aware of everything that our daughter went through as Head, and it is your duty to keep the relevant teachers informed accordingly.
[daughters name] is still under professional care for depression and anxiety. The success of her treatment can be seen in her appearance of coping at school, I can assure you that she is not yet fully healed. Putting her in the same room as [bully] is irresponsible and a failure of your duty to safeguard my daughter.

In order to resolve this situation we must insist:

1. That she is not put in the same bedroom as [bully] or in the same activity group during the school journey
2. That all adults in the school journey are aware of this situation

I hope you reconsider. If you insist on the current arrangements, then we will have no other option but to take our complaint further to the next stage and keep our daughter at home. In this situation we would expect a full refund as your decision is leaving us with no choice due to the severity of her mental health needs.

This would be a great shame, despite the bullying issues [name] has enjoyed her time at your school and she deserves the opportunity to enjoy this last treat with her friends and peer group.

I look forward to hearing from you as a matter of urgency.

Yours sincerely,

The HT wants this all to be in the past and be absolved of the damage done to your child due to the school failing to deal with bullying fast or effectively enough in the first place. That is why their tone is breezy.

Agree with Apple Katie's rewrite - includes all the important points.

Good luck OP and come back if you need more advice.

mental health - form of disability ? failure to offer suitable adaption???
they cannot be in the room 24/7
don't forget to mention that she shouldn't be in their group either
www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/making-complaint-about-bullying
this explains how to make a complaint about bullying & the process to follow its worth reading this article & perhaps working your way through the site

What AppleKatie said.