To consider divorce over financial bullying

[TooFedUpWithThisBS]

I'm basically feeling so fed up with my DH that I'm seriously considering divorce.

Since having our DD 6 years ago, I stayed at home as a SAHM and since then we had another DD who is nearly 4. I had a career and a permanent job in media before the kids, which together with saving every spare penny for deposit got us on the property ladder in London (more of that later). DH has been running his own business nearly ten years now, but at the time the first baby came along he was still very much only self employed and starting up.

The issue is, that my DH has been bullying me about finances ever since the babies. He lays it all on me..why don't you work, get a job, you're lazy, suggested I should get a job in Lidl to stack shelves etc... At the same time he is working very hard, doesn't want to deal with the kids at bedtime or bath time and doesn't do any of the other 'boring' parenting stuff like getting clothes ready, looking after them when ill etc..

Twice within this SAHM period I have gotten myself a part-time job to stop the constant criticism, and it has been really tough on the whole family and both times he eventually started asking me to quit the jobs as the money I was making wasn't worth the hassle for him. And by hassle I mean having to pick up the kids from school/nursery, cook, take a day off to look after a sick child and so on. I understand, he works hard and it's difficult for him to be on time with traffic and to deal with clients, staff and kids. Which is exactly why I stayed at home!

When our first child was a baby, I applied for a planning permission to extend our property. I did all the paperwork, found an architect and paid for all of it with my personal savings. Then when we finally got the permission to go ahead, we remortgaged our property and DH took out a personal loan to get the work done. He project managed this huge transformation of our property himself (as well as running his business simultaneously) whilst I took the kids and went to stay with my parents. He worked incredibly hard, and the value of our property increased considerably. He takes all the credit for it. Reminds me constantly how HE made the money, whist I was doing f* all. His exact words.

And it does't end there.. I recently started studying again to refresh my skills in preparation for getting back to work in my own field and maybe have a career again after such a long break and it's still no good. I apparently shouldn't be studying and messing around at Uni, but should be making money instead.

Who is BU here? I feel like I cannot win. I even had a home based on-line job for a while, but he convinced me to quit it, as it took all my evenings and the money once again was not worth it. (We are not wealthy but not scraping by either. We shop in Lidl, H&M, Sainsbury's Amazon..you get it. And he is not financially controlling. I can use his card whenever to buy whites needed)

He compares me to people choosing to live on benefits (as in I'm just like them and he's the provider), to other mums who have started business on their maternity leaves (I should have done the same) etc..etc.. HELP!!

People never gain from demeaning others so he's being weak and childish in his spiteful comments. He's only got away with it because you don't believe in your right to be respected. It's emotional bullying and he won't learn with you trying to reason or justify yourself to him. Make serious plans for a future without him and stop taking his crap. Believe inyour right to live with a true partner who loves and respects you all of the time.

I would write down all the points you have wrote on here, your financial input throughout the relationship and the jobs you have taken and then been pressurised to give up, laminate it and every time he starts I would just say "time to read the laminate" and walk away. He is an arse treating you like that.

Having been the sole breadwinner for many years whilst DH was a SAHD I can see that he might have got himself into a negative spiral

I’m stressed about financial responsibility-> my stress would be less if the financial responsibility was shared -> FedUp should be sharing this burden -> it’s FedUp’s fault I am stressed

So you start to work then it becomes
I’m stressed about my workload and managing at home-> my stress would be less if I didn’t have the home stuff to do -> FedUp should be doing the home stuff -> it’s FedUp’s fault I am stressed

The simple truth is that he is probably under too much pressure (probably self imposed) and he has got into the habit of blaming you for his stress rather than finding a way to reduce it or deal with it.

In my experience, people like this don’t see reason

Op will have explained this a million times over and to no avail.

There is very littl point in explaining it again, suffice to say to him (when plans are pretty much in place) that you’re not about to allow this to go on and on and it stops right now or he can look for another idiot to put up with his shit.

I knew you would be a SAHM before I opened the thread.

He doesn't respect you. I would leave.

"So looking after his children is doing fuck all? Tell him you're getting a full time job and he can do it all, then, as he thinks it's so easy."

^This. He seems to avoid doing any kind of childcare or "wifework", to the point he begs his dw to leave work, to do the brunt of it (meaning she also has no money of her own and is reliant on his). Doesn't do his share at home, and tries to devalue his partners 84 hours worked a week (12 hours a day x7), by making out like his job is a lot harder than looking after children and home (which can be lonely and boring in the extreme). I doubt he works an 84 hour week? He gets to have down time and turn his brain off, do you?

You could work 16+ hours a week, claim benefits, and never have to listen to a man who never helps with stuff around the house, moan about how you're not doing it right or enough, or what you've been buying, ever again.

He won't change, but you don't need to listen to his nonsense either, or depend on him . You're willing to work, so work. He'll either have to do his share when it comes to pick ups etc, or pay half the costs of a child minder or similar.

If you were bringing in 7figures he would find something else to bully you for. If you won the lottery and he never had to work again, he would find something to mentally beat you with.

I feel your pain OP, I am in a very similar situation. You have to do what is best for you and your children.

@user87382294757 @TravellingSpoon I'm sorry you're also in this shitty situation.
I'm hoping I'll get a good job after finishing my masters and then at least I'll get my dignity back. I am worried though. What if I won't find a good job and end up in a dead end job that doesn't pay enough and this will never end!! That's why I'm considering divorce. Could be nice not to have to deal with this shit and just live within my own means.

You say he isn’t financially controlling, but he is isn’t he.
You may have access to money if you need it for family life but he reminds you constantly how it’s not really yours, that you haven’t earned it etc.
Being ‘tired’ is not an excuse to be emotionally abusive towards someone. Yes we all have moments where we snap at a partner bc it’s been a long day and kids are playing up etc but this is waaaaaay more than that. This is nasty, calculated abuse.
He sounds thoroughly manipulative and abusive and I imagine if a friend confided in you that this was their relationship you’d be utterly appalled and devastated for them.
Serious thinking and talking needs to be done and counselling too. If we won’t agree then I’d be looking to divorce him too because once the job issue is resolved (when you go back to work) it will be something else - your friends, your appearance, your parenting skills....he is a nasty excuse for a man imo

If this is genuinely the only aspect of your marriage that’s going wrong then I would make a big effort to fix it before I left. I think the idea above about the laminate is great.

You need a calm conversation in a neutral place with no kids and tell him factually that you won’t be tolerating this bullying any more, that it undermines you and makes you hate him.

Offer him options, you can call it quite, explore further in counselling or he can pull himself together and stop. Explain that you getting a job won’t be a walk in the park either. Someone has to cover wrap around childcare, illness, school holidays and all the wife work you currently do.

Either he sees you a a team, one which is equal or not. He isn’t your boss. Be firm, be clear and don’t put up with this any more.

@TooFedUpWithThisBS Its so draining but at least my children are older now. I really feel for you. This morning I found out that 'D'h has promised DS1 my car if he gets all A's in his A-levels. He feels that he can do this because 'he' purchased it for me.

It does sound a bit familiar. Men who want their partner to deal with everything to do with the kids (in my case sn) yet also moan they either don't work or don't earn enough! Personally my advice is to get your affairs in order and return to a full time career over the next 12-18 months then seriously consider leaving

He sounds vile. Does he say these things in front of your daughters. Sounds like he looks at you like dog shit. Are you sure you want to spend your life with him? Wtf does he want from you ?

everyone has responed.but to me i hear in you that you arent going to leave or dont want to.as most people see a dick but you keeep standing up for him.and in my experience when a partner is still at that stage with their OH half they wont leave.
and im sorry for you with that because in many ways you sound so unhappy.

So he is being vile- no doubt about that but with a 4 year old and 6 year old you do have more flex, especially if the 4 year old is going to school in September. If you got a job then, do you think you’d all be happier? Regardless though, do you actually want to stay with him if he doesn’t respect you?

@kateandme you're right. I haven't made up my mind yet. Divorce is a long process and I am still feeling hopeful things will be ok when I start working again. And we have so many plans we have made together that it's hard to just throw them all away. Plus putting my children through divorce is not an appealing thought. But I've come to the point now where I'm considering it as a possible option. He is being awful, and I'm doubly disappointed that even though he is away a lot at the moment this argument surfaces even now. I think most people careful consider divorce over several years before actually acting on it, don't you?

@TravellingSpoon oh my word!! But that's your car! Really vindictive behavior. I feel for you.

oh dont get me wrong!sorry if it sounded like i was hounding on you hun.no no no.i just wanted to put how i thought it seemed you were still feeling from what i was reading.and that was your not ready/cant/dont want to leave yet.but god divorce is or can be such a long thought out thing.and it can take time and second chances and not even happen.its so bloody hard when you have basically become intwined with anothr person.their limbs are your limbs now kind of thing.
i know its hard.dont ever think i was trying to judge or bad mouth your feeling or current place in this situation.i know it must be so hard.not being able to stand it as it is but not knowing how it can change or if it can.

Travelling.
That is awful and he is sending your DS a terrible message too.

FedUp

I would sort yourself out with your studies and work. Make sure all the financial stuff is in order.
Then push him hard on his behaviour. If he changes - great and if he doesn’t you are in a position to walk away knowing you tried your best.

Hi OP

Yabnu to consider divorce.

He sounds impossible. He wants you to work stacking shelves when you have the means to improve your qualifications and get a higher paying job. When you do get a job, he wants you quit so you can do everything at home.

I'd say he may have a point if your kids were 15 and 17 but at 4 and 6 they're only just coming out of the really labour intensive stage and still cant fend for themselves at all.

Basically he wants you to take 100pc of responsibility for home and also fit in work, with a flexible job that doesnt impact on family life at all. Which doesnt exist for most people unless you work for yourself from home and have long deadlines or understanding clients

Yes he may be under a lot of stress but you cant take the brunt of it indefinitely. And the fact he keeps bringing this up suggests he does have some underlying resentment.

Time for a proper chat one weekend after the kids are in bed and you're relaxing with a drink or whatever.

He either wants the flexibility of you being at home or he wants the salary and has to increase some flexibiliy himself and be more present in the kids lives. Or pay for a nanny as you cant work full time and do 100pc of home.

I think you need to make clear just how much you do at home and how much this has enabled him to do everything he wants career wise. And how unhappy his repeated sniping and jibes make you feel. And also he studying is non negotiable

And then give a timeline for things to change. 3 months or whatever and if he is still complaining then you will leave. Be specific and say you have looked into it and since you will have the children most of the time you will be entitled to x and you will live at y and he can see them every other weekend and you can get on with your lives separately since nothing you do is good enough for him

I could make suggestions but leaving the bastard is really the only sensible one. He won’t change, will he?

@TravellingSpoon

How lovely, you are getting a new car. Start shopping now and get him to look at the pictures of the models you are considering. Assume the deal is you're getting a new car if your DS gets the old one.

OP I think your DH just doesn't realise the plates have to be kept spinning by one or both of you at all times, so it really is swings and roundabout. For all the looking after the home you do enables your DH to earn the ££ to keep the house going.

I'd suggest relationship counselling