After opinions on naming DS as DH and I are at a bit of stalemate!

[WeCantDecide]

DH and I are expecting our first baby mid-August. We know we’re having a boy and have recently been talking about baby names. I’m going to change the names I’m using but to make it easier to follow-

My DH - Fred
My DF - Bob
DH’s DF (FIL) - Dave
My DGF - Steve
DH’s DGF (DGFIL) - Chris

None of these names are the actual names we’re thinking of but the actual names are all classic, traditional boys names, nothing outlandish.

I’ll start by saying that both my DF and DGF have passed away- my DH never met my DGF as he died when we’d been together about 4 months. He did however meet my DF who died when we’d been together nearly two years. Both DFIL and DGFIL still alive and kicking.

So to begin with I suggested naming DS Steve Dave Bob Surname (which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time) and then potential DS2 could be called Chris Fred Surname. DH wasn’t keen as obviously there’s no guarantee that we’ll have another DS or even another baby, and he really wants to use DGFIL’s name. Fair enough.

So today I suggested Bob Steve Chris Surname. The way I saw it, that was a reasonable compromise. DH had a think and came back with Bob Chris Surname (so DGFIL’s name would be the only middle name, leaving out my DGF). One of DH’s objections to my suggestion was that he didn’t want DS to have a shitload of names, but I pointed out that two middle names is fairly common.

He then said he thought DFIL might be a bit hurt that we’ve used my DF and DGFs names and not his, and also that he (DH) really wanted to make more of a “thing” of using DGFIL’s name as he thinks that DGFIL would be really touched by the gesture and it would mean a lot to him (DGFIL). He said that if DGFIL had already passed away that he (DH) wouldn’t feel so strongly about it, but it he really wants to do this for DGFIL.

I do see where he’s coming from but the way I see it, whilst DFIL and DGFIL may not be having their names used as a sort of main name for DS, what they do get is the chance to actually be in our DS’s life. DFIL gets to be a Grandfather and DGFIL gets to be a Great-Grandfather. Since my DF and DGF will never have that chance, this is my way of remembering them. AIBU?

Igotthemheavyboobs Peers have been positive; I know a few who've done the same and couples who've created a new name on marriage. My parents couldn't give a hoot about the name, it's the baby herself who's important. My PILs haven't said a peep but they aren't the sort; I suspect it baffles them but then everything about us seems to. But I would have done it regardless tbh.

Sorry for derail, OP!

I think one middle name is quite sufficient and even that will probably never be known by anyone. I don't even know when mine (which I don't like) was last used. I certainly don't tell anyone what it is unless specifically asked.

Your compromise isn't actually much of a compromise.

I would come up with a totally different name for your child that is not connected with your families.

If you must use family names, then you could give the child their first name (as DC will have father's surname) and, DH gets to choose middle name. Try not to saddle DC with further middle names.

Look at Prince Henry - 4 names, none of which are Harry, but he gets called Prince Harry. Most people probably don't give a thought for what his given names actually are.

Does anyone else think the OP really left because the vote didn't go the way she wanted?

Need more coffee to digest this!

Give your baby its own name and sense of identity, use the family names as middle names.

Why don't you just write the list of names you both like & then people can make suggestions 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Wecantdecide
There is a baby names thread.

If you actually thought "the only names we like are Fred, Bob, Dave, Steve Chris", then you could have gone to 'baby names' and asked which everyone preferred / what combination worked well. You didn't. You made it very clear that this was about 'honouring' your side of the family.

That is why you have the replies you have had.
If you don't want honest, and yes, somewhat forthright answers, then don't ask a question in AIBU. You can't strop off telling everyone how nasty they've been just because you don't like it when people give you their opinions. Opinions are exactly what you have asked for.

Look at Prince Henry - 4 names, none of which are Harry, but he gets called Prince Harry.

Yes, because Harry is a medieval nickname for Henry. No different to using Chris for Christopher or Bill for William, or any number of other pet forms of names.

I have a family name - I am named after both of my mother's grandmothers, and I do feel a little funny about it sometimes, even though I don't inherently dislike my name. My brothers also have family names, that crop up in both family trees. DS has a name entirely his own, and I prefer it. He wasn't named until he was here, though, and doesn't even have a name we'd considered when I was pregnant, so you never know what might change.

Steve Chris Surname.
Your DH is right in that it's worth honouring his GF while he's still around.
If you have another son call him Dave Bob surname

I think your DH has made a reasonable suggestion. He's letting you name the baby after your DF, and I do think it's nice for his DGF to have the only middle name. Why not say yes, but on the condition that if you have another child, you get to use DGF name in there somewhere. (Most classic names have a female version, so if you have a girl they could be Stephanie, or whatever female version of the real name is. It's only a middle name, so doesn't matter too much if you don't like the name - it's a way of honouring your grandfather.)

Choose a non family name as his first name and both grandfathers or bother great grandfathers as 2 middle names if you really feel the need to use exiting family names.

(Are you royalty? If not, there is no real reason to do this)

@MNHQ can you put a vote option in the baby names topic so AIBU isn't overrun with this crap?

Hi OP

I think if you kept your name when you married then you are already 'honouring' his family over yours by giving the baby his surname. So you get first dibs on a first name. And then you can pick a middle name each if you're still bothered.

If there are any names (say Chris) that have an obvious and nice female equivalent (say Christine) you could keep these back as if you have a second and it's a girl you could use these.

The baby will soon be its own person in it's own right so honestly I'd just choose the name you like best. It wont make a difference to how the baby feels about these relatives

If you desperately want to - I would suggest one name from each side. Consider giving him his own name and identify though.