After opinions on naming DS as DH and I are at a bit of stalemate!

[WeCantDecide]

DH and I are expecting our first baby mid-August. We know we’re having a boy and have recently been talking about baby names. I’m going to change the names I’m using but to make it easier to follow-

My DH - Fred
My DF - Bob
DH’s DF (FIL) - Dave
My DGF - Steve
DH’s DGF (DGFIL) - Chris

None of these names are the actual names we’re thinking of but the actual names are all classic, traditional boys names, nothing outlandish.

I’ll start by saying that both my DF and DGF have passed away- my DH never met my DGF as he died when we’d been together about 4 months. He did however meet my DF who died when we’d been together nearly two years. Both DFIL and DGFIL still alive and kicking.

So to begin with I suggested naming DS Steve Dave Bob Surname (which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time) and then potential DS2 could be called Chris Fred Surname. DH wasn’t keen as obviously there’s no guarantee that we’ll have another DS or even another baby, and he really wants to use DGFIL’s name. Fair enough.

So today I suggested Bob Steve Chris Surname. The way I saw it, that was a reasonable compromise. DH had a think and came back with Bob Chris Surname (so DGFIL’s name would be the only middle name, leaving out my DGF). One of DH’s objections to my suggestion was that he didn’t want DS to have a shitload of names, but I pointed out that two middle names is fairly common.

He then said he thought DFIL might be a bit hurt that we’ve used my DF and DGFs names and not his, and also that he (DH) really wanted to make more of a “thing” of using DGFIL’s name as he thinks that DGFIL would be really touched by the gesture and it would mean a lot to him (DGFIL). He said that if DGFIL had already passed away that he (DH) wouldn’t feel so strongly about it, but it he really wants to do this for DGFIL.

I do see where he’s coming from but the way I see it, whilst DFIL and DGFIL may not be having their names used as a sort of main name for DS, what they do get is the chance to actually be in our DS’s life. DFIL gets to be a Grandfather and DGFIL gets to be a Great-Grandfather. Since my DF and DGF will never have that chance, this is my way of remembering them. AIBU?

Honestly, your husband should be doing everything to make it a calm and pleasant time.

Two middle names is no big deal.

We can get very caught up in all this and miss some of the joy of this special time.

"He wants DGFILs name to be the only middle name as DGFIL is still alive and DH wants to make him happy." I am afraid your dh should really be thinking about his baby and you and not causing you stress to enable him to make his grandfather happy.

BUT if he does want to make grandfather happy then could accept that his one choice of relative name is DGFIL.

Why are you taking into account what other people in the family want?
Surely it's just down to you and DH?

I don't know how common this is but I became aware many years ago that some people gave their first son their mother's maiden name for the Christian name. The 1st time I encountered one was a guy called Smith (first name). Would your surname lend itself to that? It would be a way of remembering your DF/DGF with your GFIL's name as a middle name.

I can only see one post telling someone to ‘fuck off,’ and that’s yours.

Option 1: New Christian name that is not used by the family, followed by 2 middle names (one from each side).

Option 2: On the grounds that you like Steve and your husband likes Chris, you son is called Steve Chris Surname.

Option 3: Steve Chris Bob Surname on the gourds that the baby gets your husband's surname, so it is 2 names from each side.

I think DF DGFIL surname is pretty reasonable from DH. He's letting you put yours first even though it's important to him to use DGFIL name.

I do feel naming the DC after family is a bit of a minefield though, you're normally going to offend more people than you please. What if you have a girl next, will GMs start feeling unhappy about who got left out?

We did one totally new name and one very common middle name that was in use (but not by GP) on both sides of the family.

grounds not gourds...

(which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time)
Doesn't matter. We all have names we'd prefer, but you're co-parenting and that means compromise. I'd wager most couples agree on a name they both like but was neither's first choice or "it was my dream forever even before I met DP" name.

I also don't believe that of all the names in the world, the only four you both happen to like are coincidentally the names of your fathers and grandfathers – what are the odds?! This is secretly a "one of each side" power struggle and you know it. Pick something new.

Just use both Grandfather names either as first and middle or pick a completely different first name and then 2 GFs in middle - any 2nd son could have both DFs in the middle.

We gave DS1 my father name as a middle , as DH's dad was more concerned about his surname carrying on - we weren't married.
DS2 got DH's dads middle name as a middle name, as one his sisters had already used the first name.

Each first name was unrelated to family.

For you?
I'd favour one of the living over the dead, both DS's grandfathers were chuffed and it was lovely to see. Imagine the delight of the DHGFIL . I get your DH's point re his Grandad especially, not so much re his Dad. And you will too when you see the old guys face if you use his name, and I reckon your fathers , just figuring out the order might be hard.
DFIL gets the surname bit, and the privilege of still being around probably longer than the DGFIL will to spend time with his grandchild, unlike your DF.

That's be how I would do it. And I'm sorry for your losses.

I think having 2 middle names is a bit of a mouthful, makes the inclusion of DH's relative seem less special (as it feels like an extra middle name has been tacked on), and may make DH's other relative feel left out as everyone else has been included.

I have to be honest, I'm with your DH and I think one name from each side of the family if you want to go down that route (unless you can do anything clever and merge them in a way that doesn't sound silly eg Christopher + William = Christian).

I don't know how to put this without sounding wrong but your DF and DGF aren't around to appreciate the tribute to them and you shouldn't feel guilty about not including both of their names if that makes sense?

Who cares if he's still alive are people not worth a name until they snuff it

Don't use any of the names. Pick a name that both you and your DH love that will belong to your son and him alone. Your new baby is not a living breathing memorial stone.

I agree with this, and yes I would say it to anyone.

EileenAlanna it really wouldn’t work unfortunately, if our names sounded good together we’d have double barrelled them, but there’s a lot of the same consonants and it all starts to sound like a bit of a tongue twister!

jessicawessica we’re not exactly, DH was a bit concerned about leaving DFIL out but honestly I doubt he’d be at all bothered. I doubt that DGFIL would be at all upset by sharing middle name status either, I’m sure he’d be thrilled to have his name used at all- it’s just that DH wants to make that gesture whilst DGFIL is around to appreciate it.

I do still keep trying to think of other unrelated baby names as it’s true we may just be tunnel-visioned on these ones now. But nothing else we’ve thought of so far has really struck a chord.

I can only see one post telling someone to ‘fuck off,’ and that’s yours.

I’d say that between fuck off and calling someone ridiculous and saying that what they’re asking about is absolute drivel, mine is the less personal of the two!

Do any of them happen to share a middle name. Both my DGFs’ had the same 3 names in a different order.

Or you could suggest that the baby takes your surname to honour both your DF and DGF. He could then have DGFIL DFIL and then do the opposite if you have another son. Would any of the names work well for a girl if DC2?

What if you have a girl next, will GMs start feeling unhappy about who got left out?

Funnily enough, we never wanted to use our DM or DGMs names for a girl. They’re all very ugly “of their time”.

Funnily enough, we never wanted to use our DM or DGMs names for a girl. They’re all very ugly “of their time”.

But aren't you setting a precedent here. You're both so concerned with honouring fathers and fathers in law, but not bothered with the women?

Personally I'd take getting to pick the first name, as that's the one that will be used.

I also agree with pp that continuing to use names because someone's great great great grandmother liked it is madness.

Easy to say but can you wait until he's born? ime you get a good feel what name/s would suit when you meet them.

I think
Your DH Is probably right in having it DF DGFIL. Everyone gets a name and your Dad’s is the more prominent one. If you have another boy you can use your DGF name

But aren't you setting a precedent here. You're both so concerned with honouring fathers and fathers in law, but not bothered with the women?

It’s not that we aren’t bothered, it’s just that we don’t like the names. If we actually disliked the male names I doubt we’d want to use them either (and I half wish that were the case as it’d make life a lot simpler), but we do!

What I was trying to say was, won't they be wondering why every dad and grandparents name was used but none of theirs?

It’d be like calling a son Henry George and a daughter Beryl Doris. Nope.

imnotcheryl my DM is well aware that her own name is not the prettiest so I doubt she would be at all upset by it not being used- I think she’d be more shocked if we did! And DGF was her DF so her family is still included. Same for DMIL, her name isn’t offensive or anything but it is very dated, and DGFIL is her DF so again she may see that as her side being included.

I personally do not think co-parenting always means compromise. Sometimes one parent may make the right decision, ( e.g. such as to vaccinate their child), their partner doesn't agree and common sense prevails, not compromise.

When it comes to naming baby I always feel the one who has carried the baby for nine months and brought them into the world, whether that be the mum or the dad, they should get the final say!