After opinions on naming DS as DH and I are at a bit of stalemate!

[WeCantDecide]

DH and I are expecting our first baby mid-August. We know we’re having a boy and have recently been talking about baby names. I’m going to change the names I’m using but to make it easier to follow-

My DH - Fred
My DF - Bob
DH’s DF (FIL) - Dave
My DGF - Steve
DH’s DGF (DGFIL) - Chris

None of these names are the actual names we’re thinking of but the actual names are all classic, traditional boys names, nothing outlandish.

I’ll start by saying that both my DF and DGF have passed away- my DH never met my DGF as he died when we’d been together about 4 months. He did however meet my DF who died when we’d been together nearly two years. Both DFIL and DGFIL still alive and kicking.

So to begin with I suggested naming DS Steve Dave Bob Surname (which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time) and then potential DS2 could be called Chris Fred Surname. DH wasn’t keen as obviously there’s no guarantee that we’ll have another DS or even another baby, and he really wants to use DGFIL’s name. Fair enough.

So today I suggested Bob Steve Chris Surname. The way I saw it, that was a reasonable compromise. DH had a think and came back with Bob Chris Surname (so DGFIL’s name would be the only middle name, leaving out my DGF). One of DH’s objections to my suggestion was that he didn’t want DS to have a shitload of names, but I pointed out that two middle names is fairly common.

He then said he thought DFIL might be a bit hurt that we’ve used my DF and DGFs names and not his, and also that he (DH) really wanted to make more of a “thing” of using DGFIL’s name as he thinks that DGFIL would be really touched by the gesture and it would mean a lot to him (DGFIL). He said that if DGFIL had already passed away that he (DH) wouldn’t feel so strongly about it, but it he really wants to do this for DGFIL.

I do see where he’s coming from but the way I see it, whilst DFIL and DGFIL may not be having their names used as a sort of main name for DS, what they do get is the chance to actually be in our DS’s life. DFIL gets to be a Grandfather and DGFIL gets to be a Great-Grandfather. Since my DF and DGF will never have that chance, this is my way of remembering them. AIBU?

And this is why I refused to go down the naming after family members path, right here

Why not after the 2 grandfathers?
Steve Chris (or Chris Steve)
Nobody can object to that surely?
Next child would be after fathers (Dave Bob)

That’s good reasoning lazymare, I’m going to use that for our DC2 (if we’re so lucky).

I followed along OP, although I agree it’s a bit convoluted. I don’t think YABU with your reasoning but I don’t know the solution. Why not just use all four names? It’s not that bad to have three middle names especially if they’re not long names. I guess this is the danger though when naming children after other family members, the name is literally just a mash up of his GFs and GGFs..

Actually I think in this particular instance FIL will just have to get over it if you can’t use all four names.

f you leave out all the family names do you both not have a name that you just love?

Honestly, we really don’t. We did go through lists of baby names but there were no others that we liked.

I did say that it could well happen that when he gets here DS just won’t “feel” like any of the names we like, in which case I don’t know what the hell we’ll do!

This sounds like absolute drivel. You clearly don’t want views or advice on this because you’ve criticised everyone who has provided this. Just make up your mind and stop pretending you want other views.

And yes, since they’ll have DH’s surname, technically the “one of each” solution actually means 2 names from DH’s side and only one from mine.

Give dgfil name as the first name? Followed by whichever you prefer from your side?

This sounds like absolute drivel.

Awww. You’re sweet.

Most people are just parroting the “one of each” thing. DH doesn’t care about the “one of each” thing. That’s why it’s unhelpful.

If you both insist on recycling family names to please other people then realistically, for fairness, you need to include them all and ignore the fact that you're saddling the kid with a pile of names that he will never actually use.

Otherwise you pick one of each if you genuinely like the name and bugger anyone who disagrees, they should be happy about a new baby rather than moaning that they aren't being honoured.

DH's family have a line of First/Middle/Surname and were up in arms when I told them that DS want going to share that because he should have his own identity and I prefer too pick something I liked rather than what his Great, great, great Gran wanted. It hasn't been mentioned since he was born.

Give your child a first name that's not linked to anyone and no middle names.

Then call it Gidget for all I care. You’re expecting way more investment from strangers than is reasonable.

This whole family name thing is just not working. Pick a new name. There’s plenty out there. I don’t believe you can’t find one you both like that isn’t your fathers’ or grandfathers’. You’ve got fixated on the memorial name thing and it’s blinding you to the myriad other possibilities.

Flip a coin (or ask a friend to do it) and whoever wins chooses the first name. The other one picks the middle name.
Or he gets the middle name if you took his surname so that you get one totally independent name as his usual name.

For God’s sake, it’s your child’s name. Why are you expecting the rest of the world to be invested? You’re being ridiculous.

I wouldn't use any of the names and opt for something different. Saves everyone any further upset about who's name was chosen or which order they were put in.

Maybe memorialise them on a bench or tree instead? DHs grandma just passed away last year but she had quite an old fashioned name and not one that's making a comeback. We used a name that honoured her love of nature on our new DD instead.

What about DGFIL DF DGF Surname

That uses both from your side but gives his grandfather the specialness he wants.

Otherwise I do think his suggestion of DF DGFIL is fairest - one name each. And whilst his is the surname, middle names are hardly used so your child will be known 99.9% of the time as DF Surname

I think that as your Father is gone, he should have his name and then FILs. That's how it works.

Considering both your reasoning I'd say you were both being unreasonable.

You think that because his family are alive then they have less right to be included than your deceased relatives. That's an odd way of thinking, your child isn't a living memorial nor do deceased people trump the living.

He seems to think that his family would be disappointed that a new family member didn't share their name. Surely they'd be more "touched" by being involved in your family?!

Give the baby his own bloody name.

Oh and I’ve reported your personal attack on a PP.

Totally agree with Darkstar4855

"I think the fairest thing is if you each choose one family name to use, i.e. what your husband has suggested. Or pick a middle name each and have a non-family first name.

Your son is a new person in his own right, he doesn’t have to be named after every male relative you have!"

21daysofsummer

Then I hope you also reported the PP’s personal attack on me.

FFS, just choose a name that none of your immediate relatives have.