After opinions on naming DS as DH and I are at a bit of stalemate!

[WeCantDecide]

DH and I are expecting our first baby mid-August. We know we’re having a boy and have recently been talking about baby names. I’m going to change the names I’m using but to make it easier to follow-

My DH - Fred
My DF - Bob
DH’s DF (FIL) - Dave
My DGF - Steve
DH’s DGF (DGFIL) - Chris

None of these names are the actual names we’re thinking of but the actual names are all classic, traditional boys names, nothing outlandish.

I’ll start by saying that both my DF and DGF have passed away- my DH never met my DGF as he died when we’d been together about 4 months. He did however meet my DF who died when we’d been together nearly two years. Both DFIL and DGFIL still alive and kicking.

So to begin with I suggested naming DS Steve Dave Bob Surname (which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time) and then potential DS2 could be called Chris Fred Surname. DH wasn’t keen as obviously there’s no guarantee that we’ll have another DS or even another baby, and he really wants to use DGFIL’s name. Fair enough.

So today I suggested Bob Steve Chris Surname. The way I saw it, that was a reasonable compromise. DH had a think and came back with Bob Chris Surname (so DGFIL’s name would be the only middle name, leaving out my DGF). One of DH’s objections to my suggestion was that he didn’t want DS to have a shitload of names, but I pointed out that two middle names is fairly common.

He then said he thought DFIL might be a bit hurt that we’ve used my DF and DGFs names and not his, and also that he (DH) really wanted to make more of a “thing” of using DGFIL’s name as he thinks that DGFIL would be really touched by the gesture and it would mean a lot to him (DGFIL). He said that if DGFIL had already passed away that he (DH) wouldn’t feel so strongly about it, but it he really wants to do this for DGFIL.

I do see where he’s coming from but the way I see it, whilst DFIL and DGFIL may not be having their names used as a sort of main name for DS, what they do get is the chance to actually be in our DS’s life. DFIL gets to be a Grandfather and DGFIL gets to be a Great-Grandfather. Since my DF and DGF will never have that chance, this is my way of remembering them. AIBU?

Why not keep it simple by giving ds1 your grandfather's and DH's grandfather's names, and if you have a ds2 then give them your and your DH's father's names?

E.g. Steve Chris Surname or Chris Steve Surname, depending on which goes best.
And Bob Dave Surname or Dave Bob Surname, depending on which goes best.

Or, give them an unrelated first name then the relatives names in the middle.
E.g. Norman Steve-Chris Surname.
And John Bob-Dave Surname.

You can mess around with the order of names depending on how well the different names go together and how well they go with the surname and you can hyphenate the middle names when it comes to adding more if you want to. You will find their middle names won't get used much so it is no more of a mouthful to add an extra name in. (We have four children, all with a middle name, but I managed to persuade DH to let me have his name as an extra name for the precious last born and it isn't that much of mouthful, but all the names go together and aren't very long.)

If you choose this way to name your child/ren then one would have both names from their great grandfathers and a possible second ds would have both names from their grandfathers.

Sorry if this confuses things, but what about the other great grandfathers names, there should be at least two more, or are you only looking at the male relatives parents and not female relatives parents? So e.g. is Steve your paternal grandfather, what about your maternal grandfather?

When we were naming our children we took a book of names and I crossed out all the names I didn't want, underlined all the names I loved and put a question mark beside all the ok names I would consider (possibly for middle names). DH did the same and we discounted all of the crossed out names, even if one of us liked them. I then made two lists, one of all the names we both liked and the other of all the names we would consider as middle names and we put various ones together with our surname to see what we preferred. Why not try something similar instead of coming from a preconceived idea of what you want? You never know, you might find some unexpected names you really love that are different to what you thought you'd go for, you can then see which relatives names would fit in with them best.

I dont understand why it's important to have your DGFIL's name at all. Surely that was his son's responsibility to honour him in one of his grandchildren's names. Personally I think -

First name: unique to baby
Middlename: your surname (this covers your DD/GF too)
Surname: DH/DFIL/DGFIL name

I think your DF's name to honour your Dad and the DGFIL because DP wants to give a tribute to his alive grandfather, and he doesn't mind it being the middle name. That's fair because it's a tribute from you and a tribute from him. And save your GF's name for a future child

I think baby should have his own first name and you each choose one from your side to be used in addition. Just because a name isn't used it doesn't mean the person will be forgotten about!

If you insist on using family names, then if you are using dh’s Surname, I think all first and middle names should come from your side of the family.

Why are you naming your baby after relatives? Unless it’s a cultural thing you don’t have to do that. Nobody I know has done that. It’s actually nice to go through the baby name books and come up with something different. Think about what name fits with your surname. Think about how easy will that name be for your kid to write. What about nicknames. Can you shorten it? It’s quite cool for a name to be able to be made into a unique nickname by their friends. Forget the dead relatives. It’s not obligatory to saddle a kid with an old person’s name. Be exploratory and forward thinking. If you don’t give your kid anybody else’s name then there’s no argument. What about the place you first met? Could that be a good name. For example, I met my DH in a town called Lewes. Variations of that would make a good name for mine and my DH child and would mean something to us. What makes you and your partner unique? Find a name that signifies that.

Just name him “lost”
I bloody am

DH wants - DF DGFIL Surname.

So do this? I’ve RTFT and can’t see where you’ve said why you don’t want to? Is it just because you really want your DGF’s name in there?

If DS is going to have Dh's last name - I reckon you have first dibs on first names & 2 middle names isn't at all outlandish.

DS was My choice of first name - my GF name - my family name - DH family name. He's ( DS) managed. As has DH

DF DGFIL DGF DH's last name.
Then its fair.

Tell DH if he doesn't like it, to push the baby out of his vagina 😇
@WeCantDecide

Kid will have Df Dgf & Dggf surname ...

So what is the actual problem ?

l can’t personally stand it when children are named after someone else, they are there own person at the end of the day. I would give your son a new name and then give two middle names honouring some family members.

I’d also point out to DH, that as he will be take his surname and in essence the same surname as FIL and GFFIL then why is this not honour enough!

It’s your baby and family members should not be upset if your DS is not named after them!

And BTW, having two middle names is not that uncommon.

I have two, as does my DC, my DN/N’s, my sister and mother...

I would encourage you to be persistent if you really want 2 middle names, unless they are all long-ish names.

My DH absolutely wouldn't let me have 2 middles names for our eldest; now both her names are long (short surname and like you double barrelling would have been ridiculous so wasn't in the picture), but when our youngest came along it was clear that "you can't give one two middle names when you didn't do it with the other". Now they are both teenagers, they've actually ended up in schools where 2 middle names (or a few with even more!) aren't uncommon. We hadn't expected that at all. Mind you both have friends with no middle names as well.

We're into exam years (just), which is one of the (few) points after infancy when middle names mean much. Eldest is definite that 2 middle names would be a nuisance. Younger one has a short middle name though one of the longest "classic" first names - he'd be quite up for an extra name. I've also mentioned that if he ever wants to take on my surname he could do so - the ridiculousness of our double-barrelling is something he could now carry off and "own".

For you I'm a fan of the Df DGFIL DGF combination, unless that order really doesn't roll off the tongue.

Don’t know if this will help, but DS1 is own name dh’s name df&dgf (same) name surname (one from each side). DS2 is own name df’s middle name dfil’s middle name (dfil prefers this to his first name) surname (one from each side). If I had a DS3 he would be own name and probably 2 family names we liked, or failing that just two name we liked.

It was essential that we both could live with the middle names (thankfully all classic v popular names. I was prepared to have dfil’s first name even though I’m not keen on it, but as it was a second middle name I could live with it. Thankfully, dfil asked us to use his middle name instead which I much prefer.

Could you consider any of their middle names?

Just choose a totally unrelated name for his first name, he's his own brand new person so should get his own name. Then each pick a middle name. If DH doesn't want 2 then he can leave it.

Surnames are the names that are passed down, linking generations, so you can choose whatever name you like for your baby without using the family tree to 'honour' dead or living relatives.

You don’t like his suggestion because it means the baby gets two of his sides names and one of yours. Therefore give him the choice, the baby gets your surname as first name 3 or a name of your choice... which will be either your df or dgf. He’s already honouring his father and dgf in giving the dc their surname.

As for your spat further up. No, it’s far more attacking, personal and rude to tell strangers to piss off and fuck off. And against the rules.

I actually think your husband is right here. If you’re naming after family his GF is still around and it would mean a lot to him. For me the gesture meaning something to the person still around is far more important. I’m guessing his reasoning for wanting his GF’s name now is in case he isn’t around for the next one? I think he’s right.

There is a baby names section for this exact thing. YABU for posting this here. Also, be aware that every time you take your child to school, doctors etc, they're going to ask if you're Mrs [your child's surname] and then you're going to have to explain that no, you're [whatever your surname is] but that you are your child's Mum. What a PITA and the reason that my DS has my surname, as will my next one.

Having two middle names is not at all uncommon so I think your DH should accept that and agree to the two names.

Contrary to most on this thread I find it odd when people give their children middle names that have no family connection. I’ve always understood that a middle name is to honour people you love, not just to pick another name you like but that doesn’t really have any meaning to you. So I like what you’re doing in using family names.

I agree with giving the baby none of them. I would use your surname somewhere in his name though.

How about you forget all the naming baby after loads of people and just choose a name you like?

Are you in the 1700s? It's 2019, you can give your kid their own name and honour your parents/grandparents/ancestors by being good parents.

You've said you wouldn't do it for the female side of your family so can't wait for your DM/DMIL to have an AIBU about this in a couple of years time.

DH wants - DF DGFIL Surname.

Seems reasonable to me. Sounds like you only don't want this because you think his reasons for wanting it aren't good enough.