After opinions on naming DS as DH and I are at a bit of stalemate!

[WeCantDecide]

DH and I are expecting our first baby mid-August. We know we’re having a boy and have recently been talking about baby names. I’m going to change the names I’m using but to make it easier to follow-

My DH - Fred
My DF - Bob
DH’s DF (FIL) - Dave
My DGF - Steve
DH’s DGF (DGFIL) - Chris

None of these names are the actual names we’re thinking of but the actual names are all classic, traditional boys names, nothing outlandish.

I’ll start by saying that both my DF and DGF have passed away- my DH never met my DGF as he died when we’d been together about 4 months. He did however meet my DF who died when we’d been together nearly two years. Both DFIL and DGFIL still alive and kicking.

So to begin with I suggested naming DS Steve Dave Bob Surname (which is actually a name I’ve wanted for a potential DS for a really long time) and then potential DS2 could be called Chris Fred Surname. DH wasn’t keen as obviously there’s no guarantee that we’ll have another DS or even another baby, and he really wants to use DGFIL’s name. Fair enough.

So today I suggested Bob Steve Chris Surname. The way I saw it, that was a reasonable compromise. DH had a think and came back with Bob Chris Surname (so DGFIL’s name would be the only middle name, leaving out my DGF). One of DH’s objections to my suggestion was that he didn’t want DS to have a shitload of names, but I pointed out that two middle names is fairly common.

He then said he thought DFIL might be a bit hurt that we’ve used my DF and DGFs names and not his, and also that he (DH) really wanted to make more of a “thing” of using DGFIL’s name as he thinks that DGFIL would be really touched by the gesture and it would mean a lot to him (DGFIL). He said that if DGFIL had already passed away that he (DH) wouldn’t feel so strongly about it, but it he really wants to do this for DGFIL.

I do see where he’s coming from but the way I see it, whilst DFIL and DGFIL may not be having their names used as a sort of main name for DS, what they do get is the chance to actually be in our DS’s life. DFIL gets to be a Grandfather and DGFIL gets to be a Great-Grandfather. Since my DF and DGF will never have that chance, this is my way of remembering them. AIBU?

l can’t personally stand it when children are named after someone else, they are there own person at the end of the day

My son is named after my mum's dad, who died when she was little. It's a lovely name and DS really likes that we chose it.

You both get to pick 1 middle name per child. You pick yours, he picks his. Chose a non family first name.

Stop arguing about which dead (or not dead yet) bloke is mentioned first and call the kid George or James instead?

Which one do you actually like the best, regardless of who it belongs to?

I think pick a new name personally although I can see why you want to use relatives names. Let baby be his own person not living up to memories of relatives.
If you insist on naming after relatives I can see both pov really, I think what a pp said about pick one name each is probably fairest

Eldest is definite that 2 middle names would be a nuisance.
Ooh, can I ask why? We gave our baby a new surname then our surnames as middle names, plus an actual middle name. So she's Name Middle Double Barrel DPSurname Newsurname. To all intents and purposes she's just Name Middle Newsurname but officially she has four middle names...

Just give your baby his own name! You'll remember your family members whether your child is named after them or not!

My ds is named after his father and grandfather but it's a different version. Is that an option?

Just give the child his own name and save all the angst

burritofan why did you do the new surname? Does that mean none of you share a surname? Not judging just genuinely intrigued

I agre woth previous posters, give the child their own name.

but officially she has four middle names...

Poor kid. Unless you're royalty, 1 middle name is fine, 2 at a push. When she needs to write her full name on official forms she'll need to write 6 names?!

I’m done. I’ve been called ridiculous and had my issue described as absolute drivel when I was hoping for something helpful or even supportive- I forgot that AIBU is the place people go to to be nasty just because they can be, so StillCoughingandLaughing you go right ahead and be as unpleasant as you like because I won’t be coming back. I was already quite upset about this issue and now I feel like absolute shit.

Just don’t use the F-word... apparently that’s not very nice.

Igottjemheavyboobs I have a double barrel, so if we combined surnames for DD she'd have a triple and that seems unfair on her. No way would I give my kid just her father's surname; but also didn't want to double barrel with DP's name and just one of mine – how would I choose? A new name wipes out this whole generational, patriarchal thing and starts over – like the Fossil sisters in Ballet Shoes. We figured we didn't all need the same surname in order to be a family. If she gets a sibling we'll use the same surname, obviously.

@Oysterbabe It's very rare that a form is so official it needs all the middle names. She can just put Name Middle Surname. The extras are our surnames so she has that choice to use them when she's older; plus they're in her passport so travel is easier. Her cousins are in the same situation and the multiple middles are rarely used.

Pick a new name for your child.

You are being a bit unreasonable OP with this thread.

You say on the one hand you just love these specific names and naming after family is not important to you per se. On the other hand, when it comes to the exact names, all that matters is who is more "deserving" rather than which names you just like best.

And then you want our opinion not on what is fair or seems right to us, but on the reasoning behind your choices.

Well, you are both being unreasonable. Your choices are entirely guided by emotions. You want to honour your dearly departed father and grandfather by naming DS after them both, and that is understandable but not rational, and your husband wants to honour his living grandfather without making him feel like his name was tacked on, which is also understandable but not rational. Mumsnet is not going to be able to figure out for you whose emotions are more "reasonable" in this case. You'll need to figure it out together.

I'd personally go with your husband's choice if you like the sound of the names together, but it's impossible for me to tap into your emotions re: using both your father and grandfather's name. I say that because one middle name is the "normal" thing to do (a second middle name is indeed easier to forget / leave off forms etc), and because the first name is the one that will matter, and I sympathise with you wanting to remember your father through it.

If DH is picking middle name and your child will have his last name, then can't you pick the first name?

Forget what the rest of the family want - they've named their own children ... it's your turn

You and your DH:
Rank every name independently
First name gets Christian status
Then chose two middle names, one from each side of the family
Double barrel surname

You're welcome

burritofan what has been the general reaction to that? I ask becuase me and Dp want to get married and we both hate his surname, I fancy a change so we have been thinking about just picking a new one. Just a bit worried about people's reactions.

We worked on the basis that DC have my husbands family’s surname. So I got to pick middle names that reflected my family. We then worked together to pick first name. It’s worked really well for us and I used DF and DGM names as middle names. There have been a few comments but DH always sticks up for me saying ‘well they have my surname’ 😊

My mum was named after a deceased relative and she's resented it all her life that she didn't have a name all of her own and every time people looked at her they were thinking of that relative and not her. She's 75 now and still resents it hotly enough to have put me off naming any of my children after anyone else.

I think you could avoid all of these problems by picking a new name that isn't a family name for your child.

I am baffled.

No family names solves it all.

Can you try and just think about the names, rather than the people they are attached to? So just put them in order of what you like best rather than who you or DH want to honour most.

For what it's worth, my children have no middle names for this exact reason. I was too worried about upsetting one by not using their name. So I just upset everyone instead and used none of them
I'd pick a completely new, unrelated name in your shoes!

Is Steve the first name you've always liked? You need to name your child a name that both of you love as the first name as that's what you'll be calling him- your child's identity really shouldn't come down to paternal ancestor rank-pulling.

Either:

Steve Chris surname

or

Newname Steve Chris surname.