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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel a meltdown coming on - about Glastonbury

138 replies

3GreenFrogs · 23/06/2019 07:53

Firstly do not to drip feed, I have autism.

Now, we go to Glastonbury every year. DH loves it whereas I can take it or leave it. If I’m honest, I’d prefer not to go but it means a lot to him so I go.

This year I’m really not feeling it. I’m suffering with severe anaemia - on three iron tablets a day and feel exhausted and lethargic constantly. On top of this, I have severe hay fever which means my eyes are constantly stinging, my through feels like it has ants running around in it, my nose is like a tap and my sinuses are fucked adding to the overall lethargy.
We’re due to set off on Tuesday night. It’s a 6 hour drive and now someone we know has asked for a lift. This fills me with absolute horror, someone else in the car for all that time. Because of my autism I tend not to talk much if DH and I arnt alone and now I’m imaging the journey then two chatting away and me fading into insignificance in a corner of the car. This bloke is also likely to cling to us at the festival meaning I’ll end up just following the two of them around silently burning with rage.

I’m due to start my period. I’ll probably be on when we set off so telling DH I need to stop for a bog break every hour or so is going to fill me with anxiety with another bloke in the car.

I’m so fucking dreading the whole thing. I feel like a silent meltdown is impending. DH doesn’t understand.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/06/2019 11:38

I don’t have autism but would hate this-it totally changes the dynamic of what you’ve described as your holiday!

Tell your DH that he can either take the
Bloke in the car or take you-not both. If he doesn’t choose you, you will stay at home but you won’t be pissed off about it.

He knows how you feel, he is choosing to make you miserable.

The bloke will have to understand and if he doesn’t, tough luck-you’re not responsible for him. He needs to tell him today though.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/06/2019 11:39

DO NOT GO

Rebel against the notion that tells you it is your job as a woman to do what someone else wants despite the personal damage to yourself.

Question why it is more important to keep your DH happy than be happy yourself?

It worries me how little empathy your DH has....

Xyzzzzz · 23/06/2019 11:39

To be fair I’m not autistic and I’d hate this. I wouldn’t go. It sounds like it just won’t be enjoyable.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 12:00

If he has an autistic child then there is a bloody good chance he's on the spectrum himself so don't assume he is the correct judge of what is OK and not OK.

Perhaps apply the ASD rules to him yourself: be completely clear about what you want, be direct, be aware of his fixations (Glasto, you within sight, etc), apply the rules extra clearly around the fixations knowing how irrational he might be around the fixations.

So do not deviate from "I am not going to Glastonbury this year. I want you to go with Bob without me. I will stay here on my own to recover from my anaemia." Repeat like a broken record.

MiniMum97 · 23/06/2019 12:03

I wouldn't go. I have a long term health condition and started getting ill a few years ago. Went to Glastonbury in those early days of illness when feeling very fatigued and awful and loads of skin complaints just diagnosed like sun induced rosacea and it was miserable. For me and my other half. Spent most of the time in the tent. Awful.

I'm still ill so haven't tried to go back to Glastonbury even though I really wanted to go this year. Sadly I really don't feel well enough.

Wolfcubisthefemalenominal · 23/06/2019 12:31

I wouldn’t go. It sounds like hell. Not autistic but massive introvert and I would find having to be “on” all the time because someone else was there far from relaxing. Also you need to have a word with dh about the infantilising behaviour before he suffocates you with what he thinks is caring

Yabbers · 23/06/2019 12:43

I'm a bit hmm at pps saying your DH is controlling and that you've got bigger problems than the festival. You've admitted you agreed to this man travelling with you and that you play down your feelings.

What would you call an adult who dismisses the feelings and fears of another adult but just saying “it will be fine”?

You can go off for a wander at the festival
Except she can’t because her DH won’t let her and thinks it’s ok for her to be followed around by this other guy.
What would you call that?

The fact he thinks this is a brilliant trip and seems not to understand his wife is autistic, what would you call that?

But sure, blame the OP, that seems acceptable these days.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 23/06/2019 12:49

OP if you do decide to go get yourself some norethisterone tablets from a pharmacy to delay your period. You just need to start taking them 3 days before you're due on.

crustycrab · 23/06/2019 12:51

Blame the op? Hmm

I'd call him not wanting her to go wandering off alone concern. After all that's how the op described it, protective (too much). She can just tell him she's off for a wander.

Many people try to reassure others with "it will be fine". Either because they haven't had the other persons fears communicated to them fully or because they have trouble communicating themselves. Or, because they feel it will be fine.

Personally as he's sitting around smoking weed I would send him with the friend. The OP can do that. She has said he would be "devastated" but nowhere has she said he'd bully or hurt her like you are suggesting.

LizzieSiddal · 23/06/2019 12:51

There are two choices

  1. you stay at home
  2. you go but on your terms. H will not be telling you where you’re allowed to go and who with.

Stop letting him control you, he is not your parent!!

ineedaknittedhat · 23/06/2019 15:47

I have aspergers and I'd tell dh just to go along with this friend. I'm a pagan and I'd like to go to Glastonbury, but I know I wouldn't cope so don't even bother considering it.

Please be gentle with yourself. Autism is no joke and your dh needs to realise this.

RevealTheLegend · 23/06/2019 16:00

So your DH simultaneously infantilises you whilst also failing to support the self-care strategies that you need to manage your needs? I’m really sorry OP, but I think you have bigger problems than just Glastonbury.

This

HollowTalk · 23/06/2019 16:08

I would hate that car journey and I'd hate to camp anywhere if I had terrible hay fever.

You have spent the money already. You can either go and have a horrible time or stay behind and have a lovely break. The money's lost anyway. I know what I'd do.

MakeItRain · 23/06/2019 16:16

You now just say "I don't want 'friend' being with me in the tent and he won't want to do that anyway. If I came all I'd want to do is potter around on my own". Ask if he has a problem with that. If he does then tell him that "sorry this just isn't going to work this year. I'm not well enough for the festival or company."

If he starts saying "I'm not leaving you at home" just tell him it's not right you both miss the festival.

You have to keep reasserting that you're not going and that it's a shame that you're not well. Like a pp said just agree if he starts saying he's upset or cross about it. "Yes it's a shame, I really didn't expect to feel this unwell." Etc etc on repeat.
But to be honest I'd question your relationship. It doesn't sound very healthy at all.

Don't bring your autism into it, focus on your anaemia. He'll be less able to argue with that. And don't get defensive. Agree it's a shame and keep telling him he'll enjoy it with his friend. People who try to bulldoze their views on you find the hardest line of defence a calm "decision" already made. Because then you're not asking for their opinions or views on it. You're just telling them what's you've decided.

Acrasia · 23/06/2019 16:25

I would stay at home, especially as it isn’t your thing. It comes down to either your husband being disappointed, or you having a miserable time. He will get distracted by the bands and his mate, so his disappointment will be forgotten, whereas your discomfort will be ongoing for the full time without relief.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/06/2019 16:28

Just don’t go.

Stick up for yourself. He’s treating you like a child and the adult thing to do is state your needs and stick to them. Behave like an adult and don’t allow yourself to be controlled and manipulated by someone else’s whims. You are entitled to make this decision.

Original poster
3GreenFrogs · 23/06/2019 16:33

He wouldn’t go without me. He’s not a bad man - just utterly obsessed with this particular festival. To give a balanced view though ... he will travel with me anywhere in the world if I ask him to. Including an abandoned “haunted” island in Italy simply because I was obsessed with going. He was shitting himself 😂

I’ve calmed down a bit now. Still dreading it but have told DH that I will be wandering off by myself as a coping strategy and if he stops me doing that, I simply won’t go anymore. He’s suddenly agreed that it’s a good idea for me to wander off and have “isolation” time

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 23/06/2019 16:34

And this resolves things how?

Original poster
3GreenFrogs · 23/06/2019 16:50

I don’t suppose it does really but I find comfort in knowing I can disappear if I want to

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 23/06/2019 16:54

He wouldn’t go without me. He’s not a bad man - just utterly obsessed with this particular festival.

Just a question. Are you sure he isnt on the spectrum himself?

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 16:57

So, you’re still going anyway and you are still taking this man with you in the car for a 6 hour journey??

Better you than me-I would absolutely hate this.

Gooigi · 23/06/2019 17:12

Don't spoil your husband's trip by complaining he should understand when you cannot understand him. Hope you have a great time

@HipporaffeAndMonkeys

It seems like he's the one not understanding her. And having a good time doesn't really seem all that possible.

It's a music festival, not an obligation.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 17:27

Make sure you do actually go off alone.

He does sound awfully like he is on the spectrum too. Keep that in mind when deciding how to react to him.

nothingtowearever · 23/06/2019 17:30

I would hate that! Is there any way the mate can't go?

RavenLG · 23/06/2019 17:35

You’re going to placate him and that’s really quite sad. You need to put your health first.