I feel a meltdown coming on - about Glastonbury

[3GreenFrogs]

Firstly do not to drip feed, I have autism.

Now, we go to Glastonbury every year. DH loves it whereas I can take it or leave it. If I’m honest, I’d prefer not to go but it means a lot to him so I go.

This year I’m really not feeling it. I’m suffering with severe anaemia - on three iron tablets a day and feel exhausted and lethargic constantly. On top of this, I have severe hay fever which means my eyes are constantly stinging, my through feels like it has ants running around in it, my nose is like a tap and my sinuses are fucked adding to the overall lethargy.
We’re due to set off on Tuesday night. It’s a 6 hour drive and now someone we know has asked for a lift. This fills me with absolute horror, someone else in the car for all that time. Because of my autism I tend not to talk much if DH and I arnt alone and now I’m imaging the journey then two chatting away and me fading into insignificance in a corner of the car. This bloke is also likely to cling to us at the festival meaning I’ll end up just following the two of them around silently burning with rage.

I’m due to start my period. I’ll probably be on when we set off so telling DH I need to stop for a bog break every hour or so is going to fill me with anxiety with another bloke in the car.

I’m so fucking dreading the whole thing. I feel like a silent meltdown is impending. DH doesn’t understand.

DH looked at me while he was on speaker phone and o just said “yeah that’s fine”

The husband asked the OP and the OP said it was fine. He should have worked out it wasn't fine but it's not like he didn't ask.

If the OP couldn't work out on the spot that it wasn't ok then is it that surprising the OPs husband couldn't either.

I don't have aspergers but have learnt that it's always best to stall any decision or request that might be tricky. Im now in the habit of saying thinks to the effect of 'can I get back to you on that'.

Not much help for the OP but just pointing out that it was both of them that said yes to the lift.

How long would the journey be on a good day with traffic?

Your health comes first.

I like the idea of selling the ticket and getting s couple of nights away.

Just tell him you feel really unwell and stay put. I love live music and festivals but I gave up camping at them years ago. They’re hell on wheels if you’re over about 20.

I think you need to look at your own needs first and before the ones of your DH.
Yes he would be ‘devastated’ But you are also unwell (serious aenemia is a Bugger) and there is no reason why his wishes have to come first and foremost before yours.

I imagine he is the one who said YES to that guy coming with you? Despite the fact he will have known how much of an effort you were making to go down with him? And despite the fact he knows about your autism and the fact having someone else in the car to do small talk with is really hard for you?

You need to ask yourself why it is ok for your DH to expect his wishes to be taken into count and come first. But yours are not important.

If it was me, I wouldnt go (on the ground it will be hard for your DH to say NO to the bloke now and that and it’s too hard for you to cope with everything)

And btw stop masking your struggles.
It’s all well and good to do so when out of the hOuse. But your DH needs to understand the difficulties you have and he clearly won’t of you dint make it loud and clear to him.

Talking from experience here (even though its about ME rather than autism)

Explain how you feel to your dh. This other man is just one guy on his own. Surely he can take one of the many coaches they lay on for the festival? If he's not even a friend why should you feel obliged to have him on board? Surely you both own the car and it should be a joint decision?

I'm pretty sure they make Glastonbury tickets impossible to sell on. You might be able to get your money back though?

Im not autistic and I'd hate that too.

I cant imagine much worse than being there under the circumstances that you have. I really think you ought to tell your husband that you do not want to go as you will be and are suffering. If he really cares about you then he'll leave you at home! Anyway it will be on the radio and TV so all you'll miss is a lot of pollen and thats gettingon my nerves already!

Your hubby sounds like a real olde ageing hippy, pity some peace love and understanding isnt being shown at home!

Don't go, tell him you're not feeling well
Seems like he doesn't understand you very well

Sometimes, regardless of conditions, ill-health, anxiety etc., we have to do things that make us sad or uncomfortable and that can cause anxiety and there awful emotional issues. It isn't just an ASD problem.

I think differently to most people because I am blind. Having someone I don't know well in a car has me in emotional turmoil. Having to talk to to people I don't know fills me with dread... but I have to do it to participate in life.

Don't spoil your husband's trip by complaining he should understand when you cannot understand him. Hope you have a great time.

HipporaffeAndMonkeys sorry but that's nonsense in this situation. Glastonbury is not a job. It's supposed to be a pleasure. OP does not have to go in order not to upset someone else's expectations. She's not bloody well apart from anything else!

Just tell him you're so sorry but you just don't feel well enough to go. Leave the friend out of it.

If he insists on you coming and you don't feel strong enough to stand up to him, then at least tell him you won't feel well enough to go to all the bands and you'd rather just potter about on your own. If he says no to that then you say well in that case you're definitely not going. He either accepts you'll be pottering about because you're not feeling well or else you'll stay at home.

You've got yourself into a mindset that you "have" to go. But you really don't. Your husband is an adult and will have to accept your decision. He won't be devastated. He'll still enjoy himself. Like you say he has a friend he'll be spending all his time with anyway.

The friend wanting to go is a godsend, let them go together and stay at home. You are not well and need to rest.

Autism aside a festival, especially one as full on as glasto, is not remotely fun unless you're really into it. Throw in your period and it will be so grim. I seriously wouldnt go. You will feel so miserable. Even if not going causes you to be miserable, at least it will be at home with creature comforts and your dog. Seriously, don't go.

Why didn't you say you didn't want to go in the first place??

I normally manage to mask my aspergers quite well but it’s times like this that I’m reminded I am different and the world isn’t cut out for me. I feel a bit sad about the whole thing. I wish I could enjoy these things like everyone else but I just can’t

Hey hey hey, OP. I'll tell you something: nobody's "normal". No such thing. Everyone has their own problems and quirks and neuroses.
You are not remotely alone in feeling that you can't enjoy stuff (and this doesn't apply to people with Asperger's or autism only).

You do what you need to do to feel well, and happy. You have been given some good suggestions in the comments above.

And please, please. talk to your husband. Good communication is the basis of good relationships.

Can your DH call his friend and just be honest? Saying on second thoughts and very sorry but this is supposed to be your annual holiday and spending some time together.. etc

My husband is also obsessed with Glastonbury. I've given it a go twice and found it utterly awful both times. I did make his life fairly miserable with a face like a slapped behind so he's very happy for me not to go. That totally suits me.

So really don't go, it's full on, really busy, massive and knackering, being autistic I imagine makes it even harder. Just don't go. See this other bloke as your rescue and send your husband off with him, from what you say they'll be really happy together there and you'll be far happier at home. This bloke is your ultimate excuse, means your husband has someone else to go with.

Don't spoil your husband's trip by complaining he should understand when you cannot understand him.

Errr what makes you think the OP doesn’t understand him???
To me it looks like she understand him quite well. He loves going to that festival. So she is making the effort to go there because he does love it and wants her to be there too. She has made the effort many times.

But THIS YEAR, she is also ill with aenemia, doesn't feel well etc... she knows she is likely to have a meltdown because of it (aka it’s triggering her DISABILITY. It’s not just pushing herself doing something he’s finds harder than most people).
If anything, it’s her DH that doesn’t seem to understand her at all. Because he clearly doesn’t understand her autism (it’s just traits etc... comments) and he doesn’t understand the anaemia either.

So why should HE not make an effort this time rather than the OP, who has done it many times before (and probably does it in a daily basis due to her autism)?

Note to OP.
Sorry in advance if you find the word disability to talk about autism uncomfortable/unacceptable. It’s just that I found that word often quite useful for NT who don’t know what autism is and how it can affect people life

There's a couple of different things going on here, I think it might help if you split them out.

1. You were looking forward to a weekend with your DH and now this guy is tagging along.

2.You're unwell with anaemia and hay fever and have your period.

Is 2 enough reason for you to not want to go? If so, be honest with DH, tell him you're really sorry, you're not feeling well enough, but you're happy for him to go with his mate and have a great time.

If you feel that, despite 2, you would still want to go if it was just you and DH then again you need to be honest with DH and tell him you were really looking forward to the weekend being just the two of you.

If your DH is a decent guy, he will be understanding of both scenarios. If he's not, then you have a bigger problem!

Hope you work it out

You sound like you are on a downwards spiral here.
Don't go, you need to acknowledge your own limitations in this situation. You have plenty of very good reasons for not going autism aside and please realise you don't need any other reason than not wanting to go.
Just focus on the relief you will feel the second they set off and you are not in the car with them instead you are snuggled up with your dog looking forwards to a lovely weekend just the two of you.

I totally understand how you feel about Glastonbury, the journey, and the friend tagging along op! Just awful even without feeling ill as well. I do like festivals (though not Glastonbury) but I would hate having to go everywhere with a partner and not be able to do my own thing. If I had to go in you position I’d take a tome of medication with me and absolutely insist on doing it my way - rest in tent, go to see your favourite things, go to quiet, relaxing areas. Dh has a friend to do stuff with. It’s time to make 100% clear to DH that you’re an independent adult. Tbh in your shoes I would not go, but if you have to go, I’d tell him the condition is that you’re free to do what you want.

And although you did say it was fine, you were put on the spot when he was on the phone - I hate that! What are you going to say, “no” and then he says to his friend, “oh sorry mate, frogs say no”. In that situation you feel pressured. As a pp said, it’s good to get into the habit of saying ‘I’ll have to get back to you” so you can think it over properly.

The problem here is your DH’s behaviours and attitudes.

You seem to be putting his needs and wishes above your own. He is not reciprocating, in fact is doing things to your detriment.

I wouldn’t go if DH gives the random bloke a lift.