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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel a meltdown coming on - about Glastonbury

138 replies

3GreenFrogs · 23/06/2019 07:53

Firstly do not to drip feed, I have autism.

Now, we go to Glastonbury every year. DH loves it whereas I can take it or leave it. If I’m honest, I’d prefer not to go but it means a lot to him so I go.

This year I’m really not feeling it. I’m suffering with severe anaemia - on three iron tablets a day and feel exhausted and lethargic constantly. On top of this, I have severe hay fever which means my eyes are constantly stinging, my through feels like it has ants running around in it, my nose is like a tap and my sinuses are fucked adding to the overall lethargy.
We’re due to set off on Tuesday night. It’s a 6 hour drive and now someone we know has asked for a lift. This fills me with absolute horror, someone else in the car for all that time. Because of my autism I tend not to talk much if DH and I arnt alone and now I’m imaging the journey then two chatting away and me fading into insignificance in a corner of the car. This bloke is also likely to cling to us at the festival meaning I’ll end up just following the two of them around silently burning with rage.

I’m due to start my period. I’ll probably be on when we set off so telling DH I need to stop for a bog break every hour or so is going to fill me with anxiety with another bloke in the car.

I’m so fucking dreading the whole thing. I feel like a silent meltdown is impending. DH doesn’t understand.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 23/06/2019 10:05

Also, DH sounds controlling, and ignorant and uncaring about your autism.

Cath2907 · 23/06/2019 10:05

I too have Aspergers. This would be a no go for me. I can’t do small talk unless I am working. Professional me manages to look normal but keeping that up is hard work and I can’t do it in my personal life. I’d also struggle to explain something like this to a close friend or relative. I’d probably lie and be really ill the day we were due to leave and say I’d catch up later and then not go. Not “grown up” but most likely what I would do!!

BasilFaulty · 23/06/2019 10:09

YANBU. Glastonbury is ridiculously overrated (been three times) and I love a festival.
Hope you feel better soon x

CrazyToast · 23/06/2019 10:15

Don't go. You're ill. You don't want to go. He can go with this mate.

Original poster
3GreenFrogs · 23/06/2019 10:16

@Cath2907 I’m exactly the same! When I go to work I put my “normal person” hat on ... I talk to people, I make decisions, I give advice and nobody would know I’m autistic. As soon as I get home, the uniform comes off and I get into my “comfy clothes” and retreat back into my self. Start obsessively reading about dogs, listening to the same music on repeat, hide in the kitchen if anyone knocks on the door ... hey presto, I’m autistic again. It’s exhausting putting the “normal person” mask on.

I’ve been up since 6.30 this morning stressing. Yesterday it was 4.30am.

I’ve just spoken to DH and told him I’m stressing out about it. He said “don’t worry, it will be fine” so I said “no, it really won’t”

I’ve told him that I’m going to have to have the freedom to potter around on my own and go back to rent when I need to. He said that’s fine because this year we have our friend who can come back to tent with me and keep me company!!! It’s almost hilarious. He doesn’t understand at all.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 23/06/2019 10:17

I really wouldnt go along. Just explain that your periods make you feel awful, you dont really feel up to being social and you just want to stay at home this year. its on next year i believe.
who are you leaving your dog with? cant you say they cant have him or her this time so you cant go as nobody to have the dog?
it would mean telling a white lie, but you get to watch it with the dog on tv and your dh can go along with his friend.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2019 10:20

Tell him straight you are not going. He is just going to keep coming up with reasons he thinks it will be ok if you keep trying to soften the blow

If he makes a massive row about it....well, I think you woukd need to re evaluate your whole relationship

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 23/06/2019 10:21

Would you consider showing him this thread, or at least your posts? You have explained yourself really clearly and eloquently.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 10:21

Here's how you do it.

You say to your DH "The more I think about it the more I realise I'm not going to appreciate Glastonbury this year. I'm too ill for it. I need to rest. You and Friend go. I have to stay here, sleep and eat beef, spinach and oranges for the week."

He expresses how sad that makes him. You commiserate "Yeah, it's a real shame, I have been looking forward to it for months. I wish I weren't so ill."

He tries to tell you that you aren't that ill really and you say something like "I know you want to think it will be OK if I go. I've been trying to convince myself of that too. But now it's two days away I know I can't do it, I will have an awful time, you will have an awful time, I'll get more ill instead of recovering and when we get back things will be rotten too. No, I've decided. I'm not going."

If he makes it all about him, you've got a bigger problem. If he tells you you don't feel how you feel, you've got bigger problems. Basically, a nice normal boyfriend's reaction would be disappointment, then feeling sorry for you, cuddles, tucking you up in bed after a steak sandwich and trying to make you feel better for having to miss out. If he is a selfish dick instead, claim to be feeling too ill to talk right now and leave the conversation. Don't get drawn into soothing his pain. You are very ill. You get the loves. He gets a bit of sympathy for the impact of your illnesses on him, but only a bit. It's all about you is this one.

DishingOutDone · 23/06/2019 10:23

If he makes it all about him, you've got a bigger problem

This is leaping out from the thread. You need to say no, and he needs to accept it.

LadyBumclock · 23/06/2019 10:25

And also, you’re dealing with an uncooperative DH who doesn’t help you out with your difficulties, which makes it really hard. If he cared about how you feel about smalltalk and sharing journeys, he’d have said no.

I had this with my ex. I’m very introverted and hate smalltalk. (I’ve been told I have Aspergers traits too, though no diagnosis). Ex would always make me feel bad about this and put me in situations where I was forced to take part or else look really rude. Sometimes in big social situations I would have to just leave and tell him I’d meet him later because I couldn’t stand it. So much nicer without him.

I don’t think you can continue with your H’s level of control and misunderstanding. Having some particular needs doesn’t mean you need looking after, it just means you need respecting for who you are. I’d be sitting him down to explain it all and make some changes.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/06/2019 10:30

You sound like me and I don't have Aspergers as far as I know. I'd want to cancel, I have gone along with things in the past and been miserable but wouldn't now. I'm not sure if that helps at all but I'm sure you'd be able to re-sell the ticket if you didn't go.

BarbedBloom · 23/06/2019 10:30

Sometimes you do just have to say, sorry that doesn't work for me. He isn't listening to you at all so you either need to tell him if the friend goes you won't or just plan to go off alone the whole time. I would hate this plan and I am NT, I don't like hanging around in 3s anyway and I would want to spend time with my DH. I also really don't like that he won't let you go around alone, he is either controlling or treating you like a child

BonnieBelleStarr · 23/06/2019 10:30

Hi op. I understand the whole anaemia thing. I lost a lot of blood with having dd2and was on iron pills for about 3 months ( young kids to care for including dd1 with autism) and don't forget the constipation that iron pills cause Shock

Speak to dh , maybe he will be understanding if another friend is with him

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/06/2019 10:34

So your DH simultaneously infantilises you whilst also failing to support the self-care strategies that you need to manage your needs? I’m really sorry OP, but I think you have bigger problems than just Glastonbury.

ComeAndDance · 23/06/2019 10:34

Please OP tell him straight.
Don’t go to the festival. You need to make it clear to him that you are serious when you say you can’t cope. If you go and am age to put ‘your NT mask on’ he will only conclude this wasn’t an issue for you and you are making a big fuss out of nothing.
Tell him straight like if he was autistic himself because he doesn’t seem to get it otherwise.

And please do take your needs into consideration. Give them the iimportance they deserve. Give yourself the importance YOU deserve.

WoollyMummoth · 23/06/2019 10:46

Please just allow yourself to not go. It’s tough that he’s unhappy about it,he’s a grown man he’ll get over it.
Any one of the anemia, period pains and god awful trip with someone else in the car would have me bowing out this year.
Just don’t go pet and don’t feel guilty.

The80sweregreat · 23/06/2019 10:50

I am looking forwards to watching it all on the TV - when i see all those crowds of people and think of the state of the loos, i wouldn't fancy it either! ( i am old, but i wouldnt when i was young either)
its not fair to expect you to just put up and be quiet about this. you need to be really fit and healthy to go to a festival of this size and your not at the moment. going along would make you feel worse.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/06/2019 11:01

I would find it very upsetting that my husband wouldn't know me well enough to realise that having someone in the car and then at Glastonbury would really upset me. Does he not know you at all? You must have had people in your car before now and he has learnt that it is not a good idea??

Ok so it's not good to let people down, BUT it would be much worse for you. This guy can is an adult, he can make his own way there.

If I were you I would sit down with dh and say, look this is has turned out to be our only holiday this year, we need to spend it together, not with Bob as well. Then go into your worries and try and get yourself on the same page. I hope he can be kind to you.

Please don't worry about Bob! He can look after himself.

buttertoasty · 23/06/2019 11:05

Just don't go. If your DH knows you he will understand.

HappilyHarridan · 23/06/2019 11:08

Seriously don’t go. Just don’t go. You do have that choice. Just tell him you hope he has a lovely time but you’re sorry you’re not well enough to come this year.

Yabbers · 23/06/2019 11:32

I can’t not go, DH would be devastated

You can not go. If DH loves you, he wouldn’t want you to do anything that bothers you. He has a friend coming, they can enjoy it together.

Just tell him you don’t want to go this year but you hope he has a good time. Presumably it would be way worse for him knowing you were hating it.

Yabbers · 23/06/2019 11:34

He said “don’t worry, it will be fine”

Does he always dismiss your feelings like this? Seems there are bigger issues than this year’s festival.

crustycrab · 23/06/2019 11:35

I'm a bit Hmm at pps saying your DH is controlling and that you've got bigger problems than the festival. You've admitted you agreed to this man travelling with you and that you play down your feelings. You can go off for a wander at the festival, or you can say that you're not going.

Just do whatever suits you but your DH is likely confused as to what to do. You agreed the friend could have a lift. It would be pretty shitty of him to cancel that when you leave Tuesday

IvanaPee · 23/06/2019 11:36

Jesus! How do you put up with him infantilising you like this??

Tell him to fuck off with his babysitting!

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