With DH for sharing with MIL details about our life

[beyoncessweatband]

I've NC for this.

Anyway DH shares a lot with his mum. More than his brothers
His mum asks for pics of the gc every day. I made it clear to DH I would not be indulging her. She has several other gc so I'm not sure if her obsession with dc is because he's the youngest or because DH is her favourite son.

Anyway, he speaks or texts her every day and sends her pics of our dc. It's gotten to the point whenever dc does anything insignificant he's willing out his phone to take a pic of video for his mum.

I'm trying to work out why it bothers me so much. I think it maybe because he shares details about my life with her and she's generally a gossip.

When I miscarried she said she wanted to ring and offer me words of comfort which I thought was sweet until she said you weren't pregnant for long so don't be too upset

When DH and I were having our first scan for this dc the doc mentioned I had cysts and he then told his mum about it who then called me up to mention he'd told her. We did struggle with infertility and she kept saying to me how all her sons her fertile thus implying the issue was with me so I'm sure as he told her about the cysts it confirmed whatever she was thinking. He told her all the details of my midwife appointments. If I tell him something minor happens to me at work he'll tell his parents. I just feel like he tells his parents too much stuff about his life and by extension my life. I find myself not telling him things.

I don't want to keep writing otherwise I'd be writing all night.

My thoughts are all jumbled but right now I feel like he puts keeping his parents happy by giving them my dc as some sort of you for amusement over my need for privacy.

I don't know. I feel like I know I'm being totally unreasonable but I'm sure MN will let me know
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It would bother me especially if shes a gossip you dh needs to learn to be respectful of your privacy.

He shouldn’t be sharing things that are personal to you. And I would be very clear indeed about that, and that he needs to stop.But it’s up to him what he tells her about the children.

YANBU. My DH tells MIL way too much for my liking. We've rowed about it before, especially if he's told her something about me personally. Stuff that she doesn't need to know.

He should felk free to give information and pictures of his children but details of pregnancy are for you to decide who to tell. Seems lihe there may be a touch of jealousy about his closeness with his mother?

She's sort of the third wheel right? This would annoy me too.

I'd absolutely tell him that he's not to tell them every detail of your life. I'm very private and I'd have gone nuts with this level of sharing.

As your child grows up, he will also want and deserve a certain amount of privacy, too.

To be honest, this amount of constant contact and communication with his mum would be pretty irritating, and is just a little bit weird to me.

I’d be careful of what I’d tell my dh if he tells all to his dm. He must respect your privacy,or he’d be toast imo.

I would be very firm about the fact that he's sharing your private medical information, because that's exactly what it is. Sharing stuff about the kids, maybe, but not sharing info about you, that's for you to decide.

Sending pics of the kids I think is ok

Sharing private medical details of your insides is not ok

They are his kids so if they are small he is entitled to share details about them. You are an adult and make your own choices about privacy so he really needs your permission before sharing

What does he say when you share your concerns about the lack of privacy regarding you? Does he know you've stopped sharing things as you're worried he'll share? How would he feel if your mum phoned him to give him advice on him not being able to get it up after a few pints? Sorry being crude and over the top but might hammer the point home to ask him

As your child grows up, he will also want and deserve a certain amount of privacy, too.

Actually, this is also a good point.

I shared everything with my mum while she was still around. Sounds like they’re close. I don’t think you can dictate their relationship can you? They’ll be as close as they want to be, as feels natural for them. He can tell his parents whatever he likes about his life. I suppose you can technically moan about anything he shares that has something personal to do with you but as he is enmeshed in life with you, it will be difficult to leave you out of the news.

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached.

Are you close to your mum? Do you share information with her about your family, about your day? I have a close relationship with my ds who is not yet married and texts me regularly about his day, some stuff is pretty insignificant, but that’s the way we’ve always been. I worry that if/when he meets someone she might be critical about the dynamics in our family. It sounds like your DH has a very lovely relationship with his DM and it would be a shame if you started chipping away at it with pettiness.

It's not right. Is she a nurse and can give advice? Has she suffered the same and can empathise? No she is just living life through other people.
You could confide about DHs problems in the bedroom? Or some such, true or not, see how he likes being discussed.

I think I'd be saying to DH that I'm feeling limited in what I can tell you, because I cannot trust you not to overshare with your mother. If he'd be okay with you telling your parents about his low sperm count, his haemarhoids (sp), and that his going for follicle implants, well maybe he's got a point. I think however, he would not.

So in which relationship is sharing more important, and trust and confidence? With your wife, or your mother?

People will tell you you’re being jealous, it’s nice he’s close with his mum what’s the big deal blah blah

The point is that a marriage is supposed to be between two people. Not to the exclusion of anyone else ever in ypur lives, but to the exclusion of anyone else in your married relationship. The issue here is that your MIL is effectively a third person in your married relationship.

She is basically privy to all the private and personal stuff that should be between a husband and wife. As in all the stuff that makes your married relationship special and unique. There should be a line and there should be a difference. Just as you can be close to a friend but you shouldn’t be involving your friend in your life in the same way as your husband, otherwise it wouldn’t bode well for your marriage.

I would seriously recommend marriage counselling. He needs to understand that some things, like sharing your confidential medical information (OP I would have gone ballistic!!!!!) are strictly off limits.

He needs to put appropriate boundaries in place and I would be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed

What a load of shite Volpine - sexist shite at that.
There is nothing wrong with men having a good and close relationship with their mothers...or fathers...or any fucker else they connect with. What a miserable point of view.

I would draw a clear line - if he shares things about your health without your permission (and midwife appointments are about your health), then you will feel he can't be trusted with info about you. Say clearly, you don't want him to tell his mother anything about you and what's happening with your health, scan details are your medical appointments, which he also doesn't have a right to be at, so if he can't be trusted to respect your privacy, it will put a wall between you two. You will ask for him to leave the room when you ahve any medical discussions. Does he want to be trusted or not?

And yes, your DCs deserve privacy too.

She is probably humouring him asking for pictures of the gc. She is just trying to be nive

Thank for the replies. I've told him not to tell his parents some things. He's even said to me not to tell his parents some financial things because he knows his mum will share with his brothers. I think unless I tell him not to tell his parents he assumes all our conversations are fair game for discussion.

I've not told him I keep things from him. I feel bad sometimes because it's things that involve dc. I ended up not telling him about vaccinations, health visitor appointments, baby groups, meet up with friends etc because whenever I have l get a phone call from his mum wanting to know all the details.

I stopped answering phone calls from her as a result. I think because she doesn't get the details from me, she rings him to ask. In the past she'd hear something from him and then ring me to get the exact same information. Drove me mad

Honestly, I feel like it's me him and his parents or his mum in our marriage

I'm definitely not jealous of her. I used to talk to her twice a week until I discovered that all our conversations would be shared with the entire family, neighbours and friends

Yanbu. You and the child both need privacy. Even if they are only a baby. He needs to step back as his number one relationship is with you not her. Nothing wrong with being in regular contact, but it shouldn't need him to share things about other people. They can talk to each other about something else.

Are you close to your mum? Do you share information?

Yes and yes. But I don't even remember to tell her things that he might tell his mum. I'm talking the most insignificant things , like we went to the supermarket. It would never occur to me to mention it but he would.

When you were just describing sending pics every day I thought well it's intense but who cares but the personal details - especially as they pertain to your medical or work details I would definitely be majorly uncomfortable with. It doesn't help that MiL isn't just providing a sounding board for DH but is then calling you up and gossiping with other people. I do think DH needs to cut the apron strings as it sounds unhealthy.

He can tell his mum about his own medical and work issues and events. But not yours. She is not to be privy to every single moment in your family life. That's just insane.

I want him to have a close relationship with his parents and I actively encouraged it because I'm close to mine. I would never want to get between him and his parents but I just want to take a step back from them and while he continues to share it feels like I don't have that wall of privacy I need from them. As I said, it wouldn't be an issue if I knew things I said and didn't wouldn't be shared with people I don't know.

The bizarre thing is mil tells me she's told people about our conversations. It's like she has no clue of sense of privacy .