With DH for sharing with MIL details about our life

[beyoncessweatband]

I've NC for this.

Anyway DH shares a lot with his mum. More than his brothers
His mum asks for pics of the gc every day. I made it clear to DH I would not be indulging her. She has several other gc so I'm not sure if her obsession with dc is because he's the youngest or because DH is her favourite son.

Anyway, he speaks or texts her every day and sends her pics of our dc. It's gotten to the point whenever dc does anything insignificant he's willing out his phone to take a pic of video for his mum.

I'm trying to work out why it bothers me so much. I think it maybe because he shares details about my life with her and she's generally a gossip.

When I miscarried she said she wanted to ring and offer me words of comfort which I thought was sweet until she said you weren't pregnant for long so don't be too upset

When DH and I were having our first scan for this dc the doc mentioned I had cysts and he then told his mum about it who then called me up to mention he'd told her. We did struggle with infertility and she kept saying to me how all her sons her fertile thus implying the issue was with me so I'm sure as he told her about the cysts it confirmed whatever she was thinking. He told her all the details of my midwife appointments. If I tell him something minor happens to me at work he'll tell his parents. I just feel like he tells his parents too much stuff about his life and by extension my life. I find myself not telling him things.

I don't want to keep writing otherwise I'd be writing all night.

My thoughts are all jumbled but right now I feel like he puts keeping his parents happy by giving them my dc as some sort of you for amusement over my need for privacy.

I don't know. I feel like I know I'm being totally unreasonable but I'm sure MN will let me know
.

DH and I had a stupid row recently over what would happen if we won the lotto. I told him I actually wouldn't be able to tell him if I did because he wouldn't be able to keep it to himself and would tell MIL straight away who in turn would tell everyone else.

I was very pissed off with him over something else recently and I really let him know it. DH's brother left his first wife for someone else about 10 years ago and MIL was a complete shit to his ex wife (I'll call her Jane) Jane and myself had always got on well and DH got on well with her too and was always close to his nephew so we stayed in touch. We were the only ones from her ex's family to keep in contact with her.

Anyway, she turned 40 earlier on this year and had a party and she invited myself and DH. She told me we were the only ones from her ex's family that she was inviting and to please not mention it to any of the others. Fine with me. I could understand exactly where she was coming from. She said it to me directly when I met her, so I said it to DH afterwards.

So fast forward to the party which was on a Saturday night. Sunday afternoon DH and I were at MIL's when she said "Did you both go that party last night?" DH tried to shush her, thinking I hadn't heard what she's said because I was at the other side of the room.

I said nothing in front of MIL, but we ended up having a massive row over it when we came home. He couldn't see the problem or see what he had done wrong, despite me repeating that he KNEW he wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone, but as usual he had to run to MIL and tell her.

I can't understand why he has to tell her everything. None of what we do in our life is any of her business and stupid and all as the 'lotto row' sounds, it's sadly true.

You do need to emphasise to your husband that he must not share so much personal stuff about you with his mum.

My husband used to tell his parents things (& I liked and got on with them very well plus they were good grandparents), to which I objected.
However I would tell my mother things and she would discuss them with her family, then come back and give me their conclusions! Used to drive me potty.

You can't win, can you?

Do speak to your old man about it though, let him know it is not only inappropriate but upsets you.

He also needs to be saying to her she needs to not tell all and bloody sundry stuff

Graphista you're right of course, but with someone this indiscreet I doubt it would work; IME the response tends to be "Oooo what am I like??", "Oooo I didn't think" or even manipulative tears

Just as with chucking water down a sink, it's no use expecting the drain not to take it somewhere else ... but you can put a plug in (in this case the DH's plug)

I couldn't be married to a man like this, he sounds like he's in his mums back pocket.

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached

That's like saying women who are close to their Mothers don't make good wives.

No, it isn't!

Men who are TOO close - not just close. There is a difference, as anyone who has had to cope with this unhealthy dynamic can testify.

On the odd occasion our sons have shared something because they were worried, usually about work or their in laws. I would not dream of repeating it to DIL`s.

I have boys and if they were married and told me all the details of their lives I'd tell them to get a grip.

Absofrigginlootly has some wise advice.

Your DH needs to realise,fast, that he's married to you,not his mother and that the rules of the game changed when you became a partnership. His first loyalty is to you, not her,you need to agree boundaries and he needs to respect them always.

He obviously needs it spelling out what he should and shouldn't discuss with her.
She sounds like hard work.

i get it.its like if someone is stnadin gin your personal space.and just stays there.there are bounderies in life both mental and physical.and if someone is overstepping that constantly like your mil it just gets really overwhelming and overpowering.
and its the like somone is then constantly stepping on your nrve edges make you anxious and fustrated.

Isatis - Why should OP indulge her? Who wants to be sending pictures to someone every day?

If my MIL asked me to send pictures of DC everyday, I'd think she'd gone mad.

"I find myself not telling him things."
That is desperately sad to me. And potentially damaging to your marriage. What do you think his reaction would be if he knew that you felt you couldn't have a normal conversation with him, that you felt you had to limit what you said to him because otherwise the whole damned town knows all your business? I'd hope he would be devastated, and realise he needed to change.

Oh, and to those posters suggesting you are jealous of his mother? No. It looks to me like his mother is jealous of you; of the woman who took her wee boy away.

“Isatis - Why should OP indulge her? Who wants to be sending pictures to someone every day?”.

She does’t have to. If her dp wants wants to then surely that’s up to him.

He should not, under any circumstances, reveal the OP’s private information with his mother. He can say anything he likes about himself, or the children.But not the OP.

My DH told his mum about the time the police came round and took him away for the night after he'd knocked me to the ground and kept kicking me.

According to her it's all my fault.

In my book it's all hers'.

SrSteve we had the same argument! I told dh I wouldn’t tell him, as he would tell his dm and she would feel free to tell everyone, all her mates & family, and then would be “suggesting “ who and how we would be sharing it with! Hell, I didn’t tell him when I won a small amount a couple of years ago, because her mouth runs away with her.
Stop it now with her mouth, because it will carry on and will piss you off more and more over the years, believe me.

tara, your dh sounds like a shit! And it definitely isn’t your fault

I also wouldn't tell my DH everything any longer and wouldn't lose sleep over it. Everyone's boundaries are skewed and they need to be reset with some distance.

It's up to him if he wants to send photos of your DC to your MiL but it is definitely not ok to discuss your private medical issues with her.

If it were me I would tell him that you're unhappy with him doing that and if he is incapable of keeping info private between the two of you, you will simply not tell him things. Is that what he wants? Is mummy more important than you? Actually don't ask that last bit, I don't think you would like the answer.

I would have no issue with DP sharing photos of the grandchildren every day, although I would think it odd of her to ask for this.
I would have great issue with him sharing stuff about me, such as medical information or work stuff, and I don't think I could be with someone who thought it was ok to do this. It isn't.

I have a boy and if they grow up and tell me about DW's medical or financial or work issues or I would consider hard whether they just needed to share/vent with a trusted person, or if they were betraying DW's trust (mindlessly). If I felt they really needed to share then I'd listen of course but I wouldn't spread it to anyone else. If I felt they were mindlessly oversharing then I'd gently say so. Basically I would always be there for my boy but if and when he marries/settles down with a significant other, I would hope I hadn't brought him up tied to my apron strings so tightly that he couldn't judge what was appropriate to share and what not to share. I know (I hope!) I'll always be important to DS but in his everyday life, his loyalties must be with his DW. Unless of course it was over something very much adversely affected me which could be remedied, as such. I am happy for DS to just be happy, I don't need them to feel they must kowtow to me over and above their partner. Life's hard enough for people without causing problems or a rift between a DC and their spouse.

YANBU.

No she is just living life through other people

This is my MIL
She has no life she just trades other people’s news.

Dh now knows my news isn’t his news, only took 25 yrs !!!

I think you need to tell dh what’s not for sharing until he gets the hang of it.

@puzzledandpissedoff yea you're probably right. Such a pain having parents like that. My mums ok but my dads a bloody nightmare! He told basically everyone when I had a mc before dd. Between that and other reasons we ended up not telling people until I was 20 weeks with dd.

@picktish

But if a man does it...must be mummy issues.

Seems unfair.

Sharing your wife's private medical information is overstepping and it's more than being close.

Would you be happy to have your private medical info shared without your consent?

Thank God my DH doesn't do anything like this. I'd be fuming.

I'd be honest and tell your DH, that him telling his DM every little thing has made you not share things with him, as MIL also goes round telling other ppl.

I don't understand how if he's a normal fully functioning adult he would have a problem understanding that.

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached.

Do you say the same about mothers and daughters.Or is that different/

@Vulpine Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached.

This ^^.

It’s one thing to have a close relationship with your parents and another thing entirely to be enmeshed. My husband and I have had it out for years over his family’s intrusion and interference in our marriage. It’s one of the main reasons we’re at breaking point now. If I had known he was like this when I met him (years before I met his mother) I would have broken it off. There are no boundaries and I have to fight endlessly for privacy. She wants to know everything. I even caught her opening our mail when we used to live near her. Thankfully we’re far away now, but her apron strings are long.

OP, your example of the miscarriage and her subsequent PA comments about it being early and her side of the family’s fertility after your cysts were found are totally unacceptable. What did your husband say when she said these things? Has he ever stood up for you?

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached

The important word here is ‘too’.

Vulpine is absolutely correct. Men who are too close to their mothers make terrible husbands, and fathers for that matter.
Being close is wonderful. Too close is horrific. For a wife anyway.

My Mil (when she was alive) was one of these.
Our entire lives were discussed, dh saw nothing wrong with telling her every last detail about our lives.
Unfortunately for me, it was much, much more than just a close relationship. When I first met dh I thought it was quite sweet.
What I didn’t realise, was that she was instigating the collection of all the information and then sharing between rest of the family and friends.
It was actually a form of control rather than something lovely.
She had major control and jealousy issues, and “little” things that she knew became huge things and insisting on taking part in very big decisions, being very hurt when not told things and generally just trying to run our lives.

It’s a huge red flag op. You need to put a stop to it now - if you’re husband can’t see (like mine couldn’t initially) that it’s wrong then get counseling ASAP.

My situation only resolved when mil died.