With DH for sharing with MIL details about our life

[beyoncessweatband]

I've NC for this.

Anyway DH shares a lot with his mum. More than his brothers
His mum asks for pics of the gc every day. I made it clear to DH I would not be indulging her. She has several other gc so I'm not sure if her obsession with dc is because he's the youngest or because DH is her favourite son.

Anyway, he speaks or texts her every day and sends her pics of our dc. It's gotten to the point whenever dc does anything insignificant he's willing out his phone to take a pic of video for his mum.

I'm trying to work out why it bothers me so much. I think it maybe because he shares details about my life with her and she's generally a gossip.

When I miscarried she said she wanted to ring and offer me words of comfort which I thought was sweet until she said you weren't pregnant for long so don't be too upset

When DH and I were having our first scan for this dc the doc mentioned I had cysts and he then told his mum about it who then called me up to mention he'd told her. We did struggle with infertility and she kept saying to me how all her sons her fertile thus implying the issue was with me so I'm sure as he told her about the cysts it confirmed whatever she was thinking. He told her all the details of my midwife appointments. If I tell him something minor happens to me at work he'll tell his parents. I just feel like he tells his parents too much stuff about his life and by extension my life. I find myself not telling him things.

I don't want to keep writing otherwise I'd be writing all night.

My thoughts are all jumbled but right now I feel like he puts keeping his parents happy by giving them my dc as some sort of you for amusement over my need for privacy.

I don't know. I feel like I know I'm being totally unreasonable but I'm sure MN will let me know
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I agree with Vulpine.

Is he able to make decisions without talking it through with his mother first? Or does every decision have to go through her first?

I'm asking because I had a boyfriend who was still very attached to his mother, less by apron strings, more like the umbilicus had never been truly cut!
Every time we decided to do something, holiday, colour to paint the house, carpet, where to live, what car, any fucking thing - he'd go back and discuss it with her and next time I saw him he'd have a bunch of objections that he hadn't had before. I KNEW it was all coming from her but why the fuck he couldn't have the nouse to filter it and say "Mum, thanks for your input but we've already decided what will suit US" I do not know (oh yes I do, manbaby who was still firmly attached to mama)
His brother wasn't quite so bad but brother's wife still had the same sort of thing going on - mama was firmly determined to maintain the lead reins on both her sons and be involved in every tiny aspect of their lives.

SO GLAD I'm not in that situation now!

So yes, I agree with Vulpine too!

"’I'd love to see the comments if a man had said ‘if a wife is too close to her mother, she’ll make a shit wife’

Ridiculous. If a man is close to his mother it shows he’s a caring person"
If a man is close to his mother it may show he is a caring person but the quote refers to being too close to his mother. Being too close doesn't show caring. It shows a lack of boundaries at the very least when he is sharing information that isn't his to share.

OP, you really need to have a proper talk to DH about this and tell him where your boundaries lie regarding your personal info. Use the fact that he doesn't want you to share his financial information and ask how he would feel if you did.

If you don't sort this now you will never have the level of trust that is needed to have a long, happy marriage.

I wouldn’t want my personal medical details sharing without my permission. That is definitely out of order and needs to stop.

The other stuff - him sending photos, texting/talking everyday etc is fine, more than fine actually. When you marry someone you don’t take the place of your husbands mother. They are still allowed a relationship with her. There seems to be so many women who feel threatened and appear jealous of their MILs on this site.

Obviously he has to love and respect you too but this is a totally different relationship to the one he has with his mum. I would point out that all your medical info and day to day stuff is for you to disclose to whomever because you’re not comfortable with him telling his mum as she doesn’t seem to understand the word discreet.

tararabumdeay

My DH told his mum about the time the police came round and took him away for the night after he'd knocked me to the ground and kept kicking me.

I'm so sorry this happened to you! I do hope he's some way to being your Ex-"D"H?

Obviously he has to love and respect you too but this is a totally different relationship to the one he has with his mum

By the point here is that his relationship with his mum isn't separate from their marriage, it’s all too enmeshed. And because of his enmeshed relationship with his DM he isnt respecting the OP and her right to privacy within their marriage

The weird thing is that it seems it is mainly OP's life being shared with family and friends and not so much other family members.
I think DM feels important passing on dramatic tales of hospital tests / intimate stuff. But I think you should discuss it with her.
I would also tell DH that as it is embarrassing and uncomfortable to think everyone knows your private goings on therefore you are going to speak to DM about it. He won't like that I shouldn't think. But I really feel she is not aware of how unacceptable this is and you telling her how it makes you feel should put an end to it.
If it doesn't put an end to it you will need to rethink, perhaps counselling?

My dh is dreadful for “sharing” what I consider to be private. It all came to a head when, at a kids party, he discussed a health issue I have with one of my work colleagues. I told him that if I heard one whisper of it at work I would hand in my notice immediately and become a SAHM. He has been more careful since then. The problem is that he is happy to discuss his own medical problems or anything else really with all and sundry and so doesn’t really get it.

Id just stop telling him anything. And if he asks why, state your feelings and that if he wants it to change he needs to stop running to mum with all pieces of info.
Get him to ask his friends how often they speak to their mums.
Has he got many friends?

My ex was like this. No respect for the boundaries of our relationship. Used to say "I didn't know it was a secret" or similar bs about private matters.

Anyone who has to pull out their phone and photograph every moment is annoying.

My husband too is an open book..he says he doesnt have to watch what he says cos he has nothing to hide....I say he is an over sharing bastard who cannot keep his gob shut!!! I have been like you Op and its just his way..he cannot help himself.every good thing he relishes telling them and when theres a problem he tells them too...Over the years I have stopped being bothered trying to change him.its just him.He means no harm they are just close,where as I tell people what I want them to know and no more.He is proud of the kids,his job,his car his life and just shares a bit too much.If I am asked about something he has said I just shrug and say yeah ...they rarely ask me anything now cos I dont enter into the discussion!

Is he able to make decisions without talking it through with his mother first? Or does every decision have to go through her first?

No he doesn't.

His mum has banged on for years about how his brothers don't ring her or share much about the grandkids. One time she told me he'd mentioned we don't sleep in the same bed because dc wasn't sleeping through the night so we'd agreed he'd sleep in the spare bed at weekends. I was shocked he told her and she said he's the only one of her kids who talks to her. Another time when I was just 4 weeks pregnant, she told her next door neighbour who I've spoken to once.

His closeness to his mum makes him a very kind person and he does keep her feelings in consideration. At the same time he knows I'm not keen on spending time with her because of her gossiping.

He's headed over there with dc and he's taking the Father's Day cars and present I got him to show his parents! I mean ffs!

Anyway I'm having to make peace with it because the last time I addressed it he got upset

He's mid 40s so not a young man.

“One time she told me he'd mentioned we don't sleep in the same bed because dc wasn't sleeping through the night so we'd agreed he'd sleep in the spare bed at weekends”
I’d have told my mum that!

My OH was like yours. He used to call his parents whenever the kids did anything. Sometimes it’s cringing and he emailed them too. He says things that I wouldn’t as they are hyper critical and all he did was give them ammunition to have digs. They felt able to comment on everything we did and the kids because he is an open book. When I lost my baby at 22weeks he had a long discussion with his DM who said ‘I didnt think she wanted another anyway’, nothing said to me and when they visited never mentioned it. ( although any issue with the loss was related to my side of the family) i has enough when my OH and his DM decided that’s i should have weekly calls with his DM ( after my loss) and I lost the plot and told him to bugger off. Interestingly once he finally started understanding That his open book about everything doesn’t work for me it’s like he stepped out the fOG. He spent years trying to get his DP to praise him as he had grown up with never being good enough that he tried to get it via his DC. It was quite sad as it was like he woke up and they had a few fall outs once he set some boundaries. He does speak a lot still but he keeps a lot from them now . Put your foot down about private and personal issues around yourself. Because that is over stepping boundaries and let him get on with his relationship with his DP.

The problem with some of these so called ' too close relationships' that men have with mother's is not the fact that the man tells his mother but that his mother tells other people. If you have a mother like this, whether you are male or female, you have to be circumspect in what you tell them

If my son were to get married and was sharing things with me that seemed personal to his spouse/ partner, I would listen but not give unsolicited advice and I would never share what he has told.me with anyone at all except maybe DH who is discretion personified and much much less likely to tell anyone than even I am .

Stories about the great things my (as yet imaginary) grandchildren have done might get broadcast to all.and sundry though

“One time she told me he'd mentioned we don't sleep in the same bed because dc wasn't sleeping through the night so we'd agreed he'd sleep in the spare bed at weekends”
I’d have told my mum that!

Fair enough but the reason it pisses me off even more is that his mum visited his brother a few years ago and came back to tell me how she disapproved of her son sleeping in the same bed as is wife when the baby wouldn't sleep through the night. Apparently it wasn't fair for her son to do the night feeds and he should sleep in the spare room to allow him to be refreshed ready for bed. She told me she wanted to mention it to sil since her son was looking so exhausted.

I warned her against it, whether she listened or not I don't know.

Unsurprisingly she has 4 dil none of whom want a close relationship with her which she doesn't understand why.

beyoncessweatband my MIL told me that it was outrageous that I should suggest her boy get a vasectomy after DC4. But it was old for me to get sterilised ( yep he told her about that too

I'm having to make peace with it because the last time I addressed it he got upset

Isn't that rather ominous, though? You've been upset - and rightly so - about deeply personal info being blabbed around, so why does it all have to be about how he feels?

With respect, it sounds as if quite a bit of re-balancing's needed in your marriage; clearly his siblings have learned to keep their mouths shut, so why can't he?

“I'm having to make peace with it because the last time I addressed it he got upset”
Hmm.What did he get upset about? Did you specifically tell him not to share your personal information and he got upset about that?

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached

Rubbish.

Two of my siblings MILs made it clear to the entire extended family before the couple got married they did not want to hear that kind of stuff from the couple or anyone else. The first time it happened I was puzzled but hearing many stories like this since I soon understood.

OP as a PP said drag your husband to counselling as he clearly has no boundaries in his relationships. There are certain things from his mother, you and his children he should not be telling each of you.

I'm afraid I wouldn't simply make peace with it because he gets upset. Let him get upset. He's a mummy's boy and needs to grow up. How well his brothers copped on to their mother's interference and don't tell her anything. I bet their wives wouldn't put up with it. Have a very frank discussion with him, as many times as it takes, and warn him that he is not to share any details about you to his mother. If he wants to tell her about his day, his job, his constipation, his piles, let him. But information about you is not up for discussion. As for kids, I agree that as they get older they will not want him sharing photos with anyone. I'd never take a photo of my teens to share without permission now as they would not be happy.

I'm having to make peace with it because the last time I addressed it he got upset

Alternatively you could discuss it with him and expect him to react like an adult. Why is it ok for you to be upset but not him?

I've never seen the appeal of having a relationship with a man child.