With DH for sharing with MIL details about our life

[beyoncessweatband]

I've NC for this.

Anyway DH shares a lot with his mum. More than his brothers
His mum asks for pics of the gc every day. I made it clear to DH I would not be indulging her. She has several other gc so I'm not sure if her obsession with dc is because he's the youngest or because DH is her favourite son.

Anyway, he speaks or texts her every day and sends her pics of our dc. It's gotten to the point whenever dc does anything insignificant he's willing out his phone to take a pic of video for his mum.

I'm trying to work out why it bothers me so much. I think it maybe because he shares details about my life with her and she's generally a gossip.

When I miscarried she said she wanted to ring and offer me words of comfort which I thought was sweet until she said you weren't pregnant for long so don't be too upset

When DH and I were having our first scan for this dc the doc mentioned I had cysts and he then told his mum about it who then called me up to mention he'd told her. We did struggle with infertility and she kept saying to me how all her sons her fertile thus implying the issue was with me so I'm sure as he told her about the cysts it confirmed whatever she was thinking. He told her all the details of my midwife appointments. If I tell him something minor happens to me at work he'll tell his parents. I just feel like he tells his parents too much stuff about his life and by extension my life. I find myself not telling him things.

I don't want to keep writing otherwise I'd be writing all night.

My thoughts are all jumbled but right now I feel like he puts keeping his parents happy by giving them my dc as some sort of you for amusement over my need for privacy.

I don't know. I feel like I know I'm being totally unreasonable but I'm sure MN will let me know
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Maybe tell him it's hard to want to have sex with him still attached to mummy's apron strings....

I think he's quite entitled to send his mum pics and videos of the children, I used to send my mum them daily and she loved them.

I also think it's good that your DH has someone to talk to about his feelings, while I think he needs to be able to talk to someone about is feelings through tough times, like the fertility issues, his mum should not be then ringing you up, so maybe he needs to seek counsel elsewhere.

I told my mum everything, we would talk about the trivial to the deep private things as it is good to have someone to talk to and sometimes your husband/wife are too close and you don't want to upset or worry them.

Sit down with him, and tell him you're uncomfortable and you want to set down some boundaries with him. Tell him what you don't want shared about yourself, and that if he crosses that line after the conversation, you will consider it a huge breach of trust. Then, come up with shared guidelines for your DS citing the privacy of the child a pp mentioned. Come up with a set of rules, and outline it's to protect your son and give him ownership of his own life.

Some mothers really have boundary issues (e.g. previous poster who called you petty). YANBU at all!

@Livelovebehappy OP has a right to privacy. She could tell her mum, her mail man and her next door neighbours cat her private medical info and still say MIL is not to know.
You are not entitled to other people's information just because they've decided to share it with someone else.

Tell him it's absolutely nothing to do with her , it's your business.
You need to tell dh to stop it now, that isn't normal.
My gd pictures are on fb all the time, I'd never expect them to take pics for me though.
It's infringing into your life too, if he does this as often as it sounds.

The bizarre thing is mil tells me she's told people about our conversations. It's like she has no clue of sense of privacy .

Yep,he definitely needs to find another person to have these conversations with if he has worries or needs to offload.

"I think unless I tell him not to tell his parents he assumes all our conversations are fair game for discussion."

That to me is really weird.

How can he not realise that some things are personal & you just don't pass them on?

I can imagine not telling him anything after a while!

What are her other kids like with her?

Is your husband the favourite because he tells his mum everything??

Does she also tell him everything?

I'd say that you're jealous. Simple.

So if men share the news of their lives with their mums it’s an ‘apron strings’ problem is it?
I’m sure plenty of women here send their mums photos and videos of their babies and discuss the nitty gritty of their lives and those of their husbands as well. Plenty!
But if a man does it...must be mummy issues.

Seems unfair.

beyoncessweatband Have you heard of the 'golden child and scapegoat' family dynamic? Its hard on the child who is the scapegoat but its not healthy for the Golden Child either. And that could be your DH. If thats the case he might have trouble hearing you as he's used to being listened to, not having to listen.

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached

What a load of shit. That's like saying women who are close to their Mothers don't make good wives.

I've always been very funny about this. I'm a private person and I choose what I share, mother in law or not she doesn't need to know everything about me (she bloody tries though). You're not being unreasonable, you have a right to privacy

He can tell his parents whatever he likes about his life.

What, even if it infringes OP's right to privacy??

Men who are too close to their mothers do not make great husbands. The apron strings are still attached.

^^ This. I've been there.

Her comments about your miscarriage and fertility are unacceptable and that has tainted everything else. I quite happily shared details of midwife appointments, as did DH, scan pictures. I'm generally quite an open book though. We also have a family WhatsApp group and I send her pictures or videos most days and I know she loves it, DH facetimes her with DS a couple of times a month too, they live ninety minutes away so don't see DS as often as she'd like because of FILs work (MIL recently retired) and she cares for DHs elderly grandfather etc. DH is an only child so she's besotted with DS, her first GC. But and it's a big one, she's never ever said anything like your MIL has and wouldn't.

I had a dose of this nearly 20 back, and it took a massive, massive full family, friends all in style bust up to make it stop.

My DH used to tell his mother all kinds of stuff, especially medical information about me , and I had had a very colourful past that he also shared - ( that DH was often involved in) and some crazy , wonderful friends - some of whom were also DH's friends.

MIL could be described I guess as a "society lady".
I didn't know she was sharing everything he told her with her friends till the day after our wedding ( where we had had to invite a bunch of them I'd never met). It was a long weekend event type thing.
And a doomed occasion anyway really filled with the epic mix of punk rock musicians, farmers , marketing businessmen types( my parents friends) and er...politicians and QC's ( MIL).

Both I and my best friend ( male) overheard separate mates of hers discussing personal things about me, and some of my friends . I also overheard one of DH's sisters having a good old gossip about me to another friend of the MIL.
DH had been portraying himself as far more saintly than he was. As had his brother who was a regular tagalong at gigs , parties etc - the brother had been gossiping hard too.

Suffice to say, I went nuclear and so did my parents, as did (wince) a couple of my friends. DH's brother got spectacularly dumped in it very, very publicly. It was a complete clusterfuck.

We recovered, but it took a while. And he shut the fuck up, and so did she. She and I had a very hesitant relationship for a number of years, but we get on just fine now.

Stop it now. Anyway you can. It will send you insane otherwise and you trust with your DH will be damaged.

Medical details, your personal work details - absolutely not. I’ve had to tell dh this, after his mum gave me a book when she heard I had a lot of utis . The book basically said female sexual health and other downstairs issues are due to repressed trauma in our lives so no idea if it had the practical management advice she said, it was all I could do to give it back politely instead of burning it. Etc etc.
He must understand the concept of privacy. When he next says your couple equivalent of I want to get in your pants tonight , sit down and have a discussion. Would he be ok if you called your mum and said dh wants in my pants? Or is that private? Would he tell his mum? Similarly there are things you feel are private and you can’t share with him if he shares. If he isn’t sure, ask you. You will not accept a situation where he shares everything unless you specify not to.

His mum asks for pics of the gc every day. I made it clear to DH I would not be indulging her.

Why? How can that harm you?

My Dh used to this beyoncessweatband Everything we chatted about including my health. He stopped after I chatted with mil in great detail his recent operation on his penis , funnily enough he hadn't told her.

No its not the same. A wife closer to her dad than her dh would be more of a fair comparison. In ops case, the dh is texting or speaking to his mum every day. He'd be better off putting that effort into his relationship with his wife.

I’d love to see the comments if a man had said ‘if a wife is too close to her mother, she’ll make a shit wife’

Ridiculous. If a man is close to his mother it shows he’s a caring person

My mum is very much like your MIL is gossip ways. The best example is I told her I was pregnant and 3 hours later I got a phonecall from my cousin asking why I hadn't told him. I was maybe 4 weeks and a bit in shock and hadn't told anyone other than my partner and my mum.

I learnt from that (that pregnancy went well) and have been glad after several miscarriages, however when I have made a remark regarding my DP medical problem, such as he is in a lot of pain at the minute, it goes round like wild fire. He is such a private person and hates it. So I have stopped talking about him, limit stuff about DS and about me.

TBH I was not that fussed about people knowing about me, but my partner was and I care about him more than letting my mum know about my life

He can tell his parents whatever he likes about his life ... as he is enmeshed in life with you, it will be difficult to leave you out of the news

This is true, but no doubt OP's interesting enough to provide lots of harmless detail he can share with his DM; he doesn't need to mine her deeply personal info too

And it's one thing DH sharing things with his much loved mum, quite another when she's gabbing it to strangers. You said he doesn't know you're keeping info from him, beyonce, and personally I'd be telling him about that right away, before this causes a real rift between you. It doesn't sound as if she'd recognise discretion, so it all lies with him now

I had a relationship in which I came 2nd to his mother, and no boundaries when it came to details about our private life. So yes, now I run a mile from a man like that.

This is beyond "close" it sounds like enmeshment which is deeply unhealthy.

Pps are right anything about your health or pregnancies or work anything solely to do with you is not his information to share.

But I would also say that it's for BOTH of you to decide what and when to share regarding your (plural) children and as the children get older they get a say too, so this definitely needs tackling now.

My dd is now 18 and while I don't tend to overshare she has at times asked me not to share certain information with friends and family or at least "not yet" eg exam results, hobby achievements, other successes and difficulties too eg not getting a job she applied for or something, she's naturally quite introverted anyway but even if she weren't that's all her news to share or not share.

Pictish - sorry for the loss of your mother, but quite honestly it sounds like you had an unhealthy setup too. Sharing information that isn't solely yours isn't just your decision to make. Do you share like this with anyone now?

If he can't see your side of this debate op I'd be sorely tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine! Or at least let him think you are. I'm sure he's less than perfect as a husband and father so say you've been discussing his piles, stinky farts, laziness with X, whatever faults he has that he'd be embarrassed for others to know.

"He's even said to me not to tell his parents some financial things because he knows his mum will share with his brothers" ahhh so it's one rule for him and another for you? Nope! If he overshared again or even in discussion about this tell him he keeps his mouth shut or you WILL be telling her the stuff HE wants kept private! What a hypocrite!

He also needs to be saying to her she needs to not tell all and bloody sundry stuff! That's appalling behaviour!