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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD should be allowed to go on DofE expedition?

227 replies

Passthedamncoffee · 21/06/2019 22:15

DD is currently in year 10 and is doing her DofE silver award. She has been having some issues with anxiety and depression, and recently had to go to hospital because of self harm.

Yesterday the school said that she’d be fine to participate in the expedition, however today they have said they would strongly recommend she doesn’t participate. This has been rather upsetting to my DD as she has been looking forward to the expedition (next week) and has been working hard to ensure she could complete the award.

FWIW, all medication etc wouldn’t be on her (instead with the leaders), DD had a practice expedition in March, and while she did struggle a bit overall she had a good time, and wants to go again. AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go on the expedition?

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 22/06/2019 08:23

So what you are basically saying is that your DC who self harms should be left unsupervised for 2 nights...(silver is two nights and 3 days right?)

TidyDancer · 22/06/2019 08:25

You need to be clear on how she struggled the last time and what their specific concerns are this time. Only then can it be understood to some degree.

I feel for all involved here.

DonkeyHohtay · 22/06/2019 08:25

Dds safety, and the safety and well-being of the other children is paramount.

This is a huge factor too - school have to look out for ALL the children on the expedition. When DS went out on his trip they were all briefed on how to use the Epipen on the severe allergic child if necessary. A couple of the diabetic girl's close friends had some extra training on that too.

But in an emergency, there is no adult there to take charge. Dealing with a child who gets so anxious she has ended up in hospital through self-harm is too much to load onto her friends.

00100001 · 22/06/2019 08:25

She's doing silver in Year 10? That's unusual... Silver is for 15+. So easier to do as Year 11/12 cohort...

Normally they'd be doing Bronze in Year 10.

When did she do Bronze?

Divgirl2 · 22/06/2019 08:26

Sorry but I think I agree with the school on this. As upsetting as it'll be to miss the trip you'd be placing an awful lot of responsibility on the other teens to ensure her safety. There are no responsible adult helpers on a DOE expedition.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/06/2019 08:29

I can understand the school's reservations. I think there's pretty minimal adult supervision on a silver expedition (unless it has changed from when I did mine) so they must be concerned about her safety and the impact on the other children if anything did happen.

dragonway · 22/06/2019 08:31

A friend of mines daughter did this award. It broke her. It’s really really hard. Some of the parents went and picked their kids up halfway through. If she’s not 100% well then you should postpone until she’s fit and well. You know they have to carry their own huge, heavy backpack and walk miles everyday? Through puddles, mud...it’s full on. It’s why it’s highly regarded if you get it. It is not a walk in the park. It is very physically and mentally demanding. I’d be very careful if I was you.

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 22/06/2019 08:31

Very disappointing for your daughter but I understand the schools concern. You are left unsupervised for most of it.. Would you be comfortable with that ? As someone who has done it I wouldn't

Littlekittystops · 22/06/2019 08:31

We do bronze in year nine here, and silver in year ten as well.

AgentProvocateur · 22/06/2019 08:32

I agree with the school too. There will be no adults for long stretches of time between check-ins, and it’s too much responsibility for the other children if she has an anxiety attack or self harms on the hike.

user87382294757 · 22/06/2019 08:32

I am commenting as with our D of E they said 'we (leaders) are considered in loco parentis' on the trip. Also unfair on other young friends if they feel responsible if she does anything. Sorry i think you need to tackle the reasons for self harming etc before doing something like this and as PP mention she can do it in future.

BlueSkiesLies · 22/06/2019 08:33

You’re essentially asking other chikdren to take responsibility for someone very h well who has self harmed so badly they ended in hospital recently.

YABU

Hugely

BlueSkiesLies · 22/06/2019 08:34

She's doing silver in Year 10? That's unusual... Silver is for 15+. So easier to do as Year 11/12 cohort...

I did bronze in y9. Silver in y10. Gold over Y11 and Y12.

Not unusual at all.

notdaddycool · 22/06/2019 08:35

A school expedition was the making of me, if she wants to go then get her on it, if it’s far from home maybe you should have a weekend away near it and be on 24/7 call. They have a duty of care to her and is say excluding her doesn’t achieve it.

BarbarianMum · 22/06/2019 08:38

Well I can see why they might be nervous, can't you? If you think their fears are unfounded go talk to them. Stop thinking about what's fair and start thinking about what's safe. If you think its safe for her to go, then reassure them.

Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 08:39

They have a duty of care to all the students.

I have anxiety so totally understand why this is important to you daughter. It's an achievement.

But if there is no adult supervision, this is alot to risk by asking the other kids to help her is she becomes unwell.

I am not sure OP knows its unsupervised. Why else would she believe the leaders will be holding the medication.

DonkeyHohtay · 22/06/2019 08:39

They have a duty of care to her

But to all the other kids as well. It's not on to put a 15 year old in the situation of trying to deal with someone who has self-harmed so badly that she's been hospitalised.

It's one of those situations where there's no obvious "right" decision.

londonrach · 22/06/2019 08:40

I agree with the school on this. The children are without adults for some time due to wht doe is. What does her doctors say. No one on here can advise you as we dont know her medical details. (And you of course you should say).

londonrach · 22/06/2019 08:44

XxShouldn't say!! (Sorry typing whilst doung something else)

Neighneigh · 22/06/2019 08:44

In the kindest possible way, it might be an idea for her to defer and do it another time. A friend of mine was allowed to do Ten Tors (for anyone in the west country.... Shudder) while severely anorexic and long story short, they ended up being rescued by the army and an utter bollocking to staff concerned. I'd plan a camping trip with your daughter just you and her, being outdoors would be hugely beneficial but DofE comes with time restraints and pressure on the whole group that may affect her own friends receiving their awards, and she may struggle to cope with that as an impact in the long term. Tensions get very high among teenagers on these things and as someone said, you often pick up to support each other, as you ought to, but it may be too much of an issue for some on her team. It's supposed to be hard (I did chuckle at the mud! Puddles! Comment...) but it's a challenge the whole group has entered and if there's a possibility that she won't cope, I'd do it another way. Wishing her all the best for her recovery.

Littlekittystops · 22/06/2019 08:45

Ops dd may want to go, but that does not mean she is well enough.
Her wish to go should not trump the very real risks to both her and the other children.

To be hospitalised for self harm would indicate to me that she could very well be in a position of grave consequences, given the remote location and lack of medical help/teacher/first aid support available.

I would be horrified if she school agreed to her going, and I am amazed they even considered. The risks are enormous.
The trip is designed to push children to their limits mentally and physically.

M1Mountain · 22/06/2019 08:46

School are right,there are other children to consider. Somebody who has been hospitalised with self harming is far too big a responsibility for other children. They will all have paid and worked hard for the expedition.Its hard as it is without a responsibility like this on top.

Neolara · 22/06/2019 08:48

The whole point of an expedition is that the kids do it by themselves with minimal adult support. So in reality, the responsibility for keeping your dd safe would fall to a bunch of other teens. It sounds like your dd is quite unwell. As a parent, I would be very unhappy about my dd (year 10 but still only 14yo ) taking responsibility for your dd's mental health. I think you need to consider the needs of everyone in the group, not just your dd.

I guess unlimately it's a judgement call about how unwell your dd is and how likely it is that your dd will cope or not.

Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2019 08:51

Let her go. Being outdoors helps hugely with my anxiety and depression as does walking, fresh air and the great outdoors is really good therapy. I would send her, not sending her is going to knock her confidence and make her feel like she’s not good enough. Let her make the choice.

Proteinshakesandtears · 22/06/2019 08:53

Let her make the choice

Its not just her choice to make.