To feel shocked at my high needs baby

[Jadefeather7]

I have a seven week old baby who seems to fit the description of a “high needs” baby. Initially I thought he may have colic or silent reflux because he screams so much but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not those because he seems to get triggered by things like laying him down in his Moses basket/swing/car seat/changing mat or holding him while sitting (rather than standing and walking). Sometimes I’ll put him in the bouncer and he will be ok for 5 minutes then start screaming. Occasionally he’s totally calm when having his nappy changed other times it’s like I’m torturing him by doing it. These things make him totally hysterical. He basically seems to be very impatient and angry and he spends more awake time screaming than calm. There’s no build up in crying. I just took him out in the car and he went crazy as soon as I put him in his car seat and screamed non stop for 20 mins until we got home and I picked him up. At the moment DH has been around to help out but soon he will be back at work and I feel like I will go insane. I need to be able to put him down to change his nappy, make his bottle, go to the loo, grab food, take him to appointments etc. I put him in the sling for two to three hours in the afternoon and get a bit of time then while he’s napping. Apart from that it’s relentless.

I’ve tried cranial osteopathy but it hasn’t helped.

I read all this stuff about how crying is detrimental to baby’s brain and I feel massive guilt for ever putting him down. If he simply cried I might be able to take it but he doesn’t cry he screams hysterically. I feel like he must have suffered so much damage already from all this screaming. I feel totally lost.

I feel for you, I actually felt like I was participating in a sleep deprivation + noise experiment with DS.
First things first, have you have him checked out to rule out pain?

I was just going to suggest ruling out pain. Have you spoken to your Health Visitor about it? Mentioned it at the 6 week check? XxxX

Can totally empathise, my DS was just like this, only happy being fed and otherwise constantly crying. There was nothing wrong with him, possibly colic but I think it's just the way he is.
He's now 2 and an absolute delight, very smart and caring and funny, sleeps all night and eats well.
The crying hasn't done him any harm and it does pass. It's awful for those few months though.

I saw my GP and she said probably colic try infacol and he should grow out of it. What checks can be done for pain?
Luckily he sleeps ok!

Have you read about the 4th trimester ? Baby is still very new to the world.

Oh love, you poor thing.
I haven't got any advice, but giving your post a bump, someone will be along who will have ideas as to what you can try.

Most of all though, try not to blame yourself, it sounds as though you are a lovely thoughtful Mum doing your best for your baby.

If he settles after a dose of Calpol then it could be pain related. However, if he's in a sling on you for several hours at a time it could be that he's now in the habit of only settling this way. Actually having a baby in a sling for an extended time is not good for them physically, just like being in a car seat for a length of time isn't good for them.

Have you read about the fourth trimester? I found it very interesting while pregnant with my 3rd. It won’t fix much, but it will help you understand some of why they might be crying.

As the parent of an extremely difficult first born you have my sympathy! I honestly thought I’d broken him, it was a horrible horrible time. Take all offers of help, it does pass fairly quickly and he’ll be old enough to sit in his bouncy chair while watching you do stuff - try taking him in the bathroom in a bouncy seat while you shower, it works like white noise and you get to wash yourself lol win win!

Sorry to hear this - sounds tough for you both (and your DH).

I just wondered, have the intense crying episodes started recently, or has this been the case since birth? Does the crying mostly happen at the ‘witching hour’ or just whenever? Has anything changed recently in the way you feed him?

It sounds like you’re a very attentive parent so you shouldn’t feel guilty for putting him down.

I was going to say 4th Trimester as well.

My DD was like this. Only a sling worked. She slept through at 2 years old. Oh the joy of sleep after 24 months as a single parent was astounding

Shuddering at my memories

You have my total sympathy. This was me 8 months ago. My little boy is so much calmer these days. Turned out it was a triple whammy of temperament, dairy allergy and silent reflux. Now the latter two are under control he is relatively easy but still high needs compared to other babies. A huge part of it (and I didn’t believe people when they told me this!) was that he just didn’t like being a helpless baby. Once the medical issues were under control he became a lot happier when he learnt to sit (the three weeks when he could sit unsupported but also hadn’t started trying to crawl) were amazing. He then became a lot happier again when he could crawl (though the two weeks leading up to that were intense and almost drove me insane!). He is 8.5 months now and for the most part is a total joy - unless he is tired or I try to brush his teeth/change his nappy. In those situations it’s like I’m torturing him.

I actually went back a reread some posts I made about it all back in the dark days and now I finally feel like the fog is lifting. You’ll get there with it but I really really feel for you because babies like that are so so hard and emotionally exhausting. Carve out a little time for yourself away from it all if you can (even 15 mins makes a difference) and please take it from me as someone who recently basically wrote your post, that it does get better and easier. It also really prepares you for all the little ‘phases’ along the way.

Infacol is bollox. Gripe water is better. Find a baby massage class and learn the I Love U sequence for wind.

A dummy may help as Will a sling (yes I know they're hated on MN) sod the house work and your partner does the cooking.

You'll get through it

I totally feel for you. Dd2 was a real shocker of a high needs baby. She did everything your DS is doing and more and I honestly thought I was going mad. Even driving 5 minutes to the shops was torture and I went through 12 prams desperately trying to find one she would settle in!

We eventually found out she has Cows Milk Protein Allergy and she was genuinely in pain for the first 12 months of her life. I knew something was up but the GP wasnt interested in helping. We finally got a diagnosis 2 months ago and shes just turned 2. Shes still high needs but is the happiest, funniest little soul I've ever met and we have a great relationship with her. And we can go out in the car now!

I'm not saying that your son has CMPA, just that, like others, I can completely sympathise with what you're dealing with right now and you're not alone or doing anything wrong! The best thing we did was request a health visitor to come and observe and got her on our side. She still comes every month as dd2 has a speech delay but she was essential to pushing forward for a diagnosis.

I did try a sling but was too feeble so ended up learning how to swaddle, it did seem to work when he was tiny.
As soon as they start to take an interest in the outside world you can distract them. At least until they remember you aren't holding them.

Actual ideas that might help -

Get an exercise ball to sit on - he gets the motion he wants and you can sit down
Swaddle if you’re not already
Try putting one of your T-shirt’s on his Moses basket so he can smell you when you put him down
White noise, you can get a free app with lots of options (my second liked heavy rain)
My midwife suggested rolling a towel and putting it around them in the Moses basket, not up to where their head is but all the way around their feet up to sort of arm pit height, so they don’t feel lost in the big Moses basket
Comfort milk if he seems uncomfortable (if you’re not breastfeeding)

Hopefully some of these will help x

This was CMPA for mine. He became a different baby when I cut all dairy from my diet.

I feel you. My second DS was like this. At his check with the GP he kicked off after I stripped him and she said “gosh, you’ll have to get him to stop that noise, I can’t hear myself think”. Yeah thanks love! He’s now nearly 8 months and so much better. So it might take a while but it will improve. In my experience he was worst around 6-10 weeks so hopefully you’ll be through the worst soon.

DD has CMPA.

We co-slept, she thought the Moses Basket was my idea of a joke.

DS was like this and seven weeks was probably the worst point for it. With him it was a mixture of physical (silent reflux) and just being quite ‘high needs’. He wasn’t a massive fan of being a small baby and got markedly more cheerful as he was able to do more for himself (sitting, crawling etc).

GPs can sometimes be a bit dismissive of baby pain / crying and fob you off with ‘colic’. I had to take DS back a couple of times before the nurse practitioner I saw suspected silent reflux and proscribed Ranitidine. It worked really well (and I considered building a commemorative statue of her in my garden!). Maybe consider taking your baby back to the doctors?

I know how shit it is for you at the moment. Your baby won’t be being damaged by the crying so please stop beating yourself up. It’s so all encompassing when they’re like this and it’s hard to see light at the end of the trouble. My high needs baby is now a funny, cheery (sometimes...), happy and healthy three year old. It gets better, I promise!

Oh OP it’s not easy and I don’t have any options to suggest bar what you’ve probably already tried.

From what I understand - excessive crying with no response or consoling from a parent is what can be detrimental, if you are doing your best to comfort him even if it doesn’t stop the crying, it’s letting him know that he is being responded to and loved.

My twins were excessive cryers from around 4 months old until around 8-9 months when they seemed to settle down. It can vary from child to child. I often found myself on the settee crying a bit with them because I couldn’t settle them. But it does get better.

If you’re worried you could ask your health visitor or GP for advice to rule out any minor medical reasons (if you haven’t tried that already of course). My DD had really bad gas which ended up making her very agitated and when the tears started - they never seemed to stop! She would have a fart and that would startle her enough to start her up. I tried infacol at the recommendation of her GP and it eased her slightly.

The best I can offer is, whilst it is true a baby crying that gets no consoling at all is detrimental to their development - but that does not mean you should beat yourself up if you can’t attend to your DS straight away. I found it got better when I would have my twins in the room with me either in their baskets or in their bouncy chairs and would just tell them what I was doing whilst I had to get on with chores and would make sure I’d go back to them every few minutes and hold their hands, stroke their faces etc and that eased my guilt a little through the crying.

It’s so hard when baby cries and you feel you should be able to calm them. I hope your DS calms soon for you OP and that the HV or GP can help

Yes, I also second white noise!

Does calpol settle him? Gripe water or infacol for trapped wind (one does high trapped wind, one does low, I forget which does which).

My DS wouldn't be put down for a sleep, he always wanted to be touching one of us. So we learned about safe co-sleeping and let him sleep with me, just worked around it in the day and kept him with us. In the day sling / lying next to us / lying on us etc. Then he grew firstly used to being left lying down while he slept early evening, started crawling away etc. Now 15 months he only gets really clingy when he's in pain from teething or unwell, he still cuddles a lot but it isn't constant.

All phases pass, I promise.

Some babies are just more difficult. Look up the three basic baby temperaments: easy, slow to warm up, and difficult. Unfortunately some babies are just very sensitive.

However it could be compounded by something dietary so worth looking into. You could contact the Cry-sis charity helpline.

My DD was a nightmare. Nothing made her happy. Then by the time she was about 5 months old she was fab.
Now she is an absolutely delightfully funny but wicked 3.5 year old.
I know what it’s like being in the grips of it and feels never ending but there is light at the end of the tunnel xx