To feel shocked at my high needs baby

[Jadefeather7]

I have a seven week old baby who seems to fit the description of a “high needs” baby. Initially I thought he may have colic or silent reflux because he screams so much but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not those because he seems to get triggered by things like laying him down in his Moses basket/swing/car seat/changing mat or holding him while sitting (rather than standing and walking). Sometimes I’ll put him in the bouncer and he will be ok for 5 minutes then start screaming. Occasionally he’s totally calm when having his nappy changed other times it’s like I’m torturing him by doing it. These things make him totally hysterical. He basically seems to be very impatient and angry and he spends more awake time screaming than calm. There’s no build up in crying. I just took him out in the car and he went crazy as soon as I put him in his car seat and screamed non stop for 20 mins until we got home and I picked him up. At the moment DH has been around to help out but soon he will be back at work and I feel like I will go insane. I need to be able to put him down to change his nappy, make his bottle, go to the loo, grab food, take him to appointments etc. I put him in the sling for two to three hours in the afternoon and get a bit of time then while he’s napping. Apart from that it’s relentless.

I’ve tried cranial osteopathy but it hasn’t helped.

I read all this stuff about how crying is detrimental to baby’s brain and I feel massive guilt for ever putting him down. If he simply cried I might be able to take it but he doesn’t cry he screams hysterically. I feel like he must have suffered so much damage already from all this screaming. I feel totally lost.

at about 2 months was when DP and I were so exhausted from DS1 (I actually think he just spent his time hungry - I found my notebooks recently, and he was feeding so often - way more than his little brother did, was still night feeding at 18 months, and needing a midnight snack at 3!) that we discovered co-sleeping, and lying down to feed, and that's what saw us through to him getting a bit bigger and happier (for him it was walking that cheered him up - luckily he was an early walker).

I remember night after night of one of us walking from window to window as he got bored looking at the traffic, DP would spend hours in the bath with him (the only thing he'd do without me if he was awake but couldn't see me). He spent so much time strapped to one of us, or lying on my lap!

Thanks so much for the advice and sympathy. It’s good to know your kids turned out ok in the end.

I feel so guilty putting him down for even 2 minutes because he goes red in the face and screams so much I feel like he’s going to lose his voice- but it has to be done sometimes. There’s really no way around it.

I’ll ask my HV about silent reflux and the CMPA, but my gut feeling is that it’s a temperament issue (just from my observations about what triggers him).

I’ve read about 4th trimester and I do understand but just wonder why other babies are not like this. I guess he is just extra sensitive? He’s been like this since day 2 after birth. Day 1 he was very sleepy. Night 1 was horrendous. I was alone with him on the ward, unable to move and had no support from hospital staff while he screamed :(

DD was exactly the same. Turned out to be silent reflux and cows milk allergy. Totally different baby once treated.

Another voice of understanding and sympathy, it is so bloody hard with a high needs, screamy baby. Mine is now a super toddler and I have largely blocked this shitty time from my memory.

Time was the only thing that really helped I'm afraid! Till then -

White noise - not a magic cure, but some days seemed to turn her off and help her get to and stay asleep.
Headphones - for you. Really good noise cancelling ones, then you can hold screamy baby as much as they need and not lose the plot.
Help - partner, grandparents, amazing friend, paid professional, anyone who can take baby out for an hour so you can shower/nap/sit in silence for a bit.

Hang in there!

I'm another who thinks it could be silent reflux. My DD suffered from reflux and for the first 6 weeks she would bring up almost every feed! I would feed her then keep her upright for 15/20 minutes before daring put her down, that seemed to keep her milk down more often than not. But she too would have bouts of screaming for what seemed like hours at a time! I got her a wrap and wore her for around 8 months.

Please just know that he's not doing anything on purpose, or trying to manipulate you, crying his is only way of communication right now. I know it's easy to say once you're through it, but remember 'this too shall pass'

Sounds like you're doing a fab job, don't doubt yourself and take a time out whenever you need it, baby will be fine for a few minutes if you need a breather xx

wonder why other babies are not like this

Babies are different, just like you or I. They're not robots, doing what the books say they will. My first needed holding 24/7. My second was happy to be left to her own devices and pretty much self settled from birth. Same parents, we did nothing different. This too shall pass.

He sounds just like mine. Nothing could have prepared me for it, he was my first (and only) and has always been explosive. He absolutely hated to be bothered in any way and screamed his way through every bath and change of nappy and clothes. He was sick a lot so it was just a constant cycle of being sick and screaming. We assumed it was colic or reflux but treatment didn’t help.

I came across the idea of high needs babies on the Dr Sears website and it made sense. Also google PURPLE crying, I think that resonated with me more than colic, it explains the crying as a developmental stage rather than being a symptom.

I tried slings and the ‘Tiger in the Tree’ hold but nothing. There is a really old Richard and Judy clip of a Man rocking a baby to sleep though and although at first it didn’t work I adapted it a little and it often soothed him to sleep. It’s worth checking out.

He settled a little and started sleeping more at 10 weeks which was a Godsend but he has always been a handful.

Look after yourself. It is intense, sending you good vibes.

My son was like this for the first 4 weeks, would just scream and all I would get told is that "baby's cry". He never napped during the day but slept in the evening because we put him on his front and he was exhausted. After a particual fractious trip to Tesco where a manager scanned my shopping as I think they wanted me out of the store because of the screaming we ended up at the Out of Hours where they diagnosed reflux and gave us baby gaviscon we tried giving a dose before every feed for 24 hours and nothing worked so ended up at the doctors and luckily for us he had one of his melt downs in the surgery so we were told to go straight to the pediatric assement unit where they took a urine sample and did checks for particular hernias that boys can have. We were sent home with domperidone and something else for reflux and left to it. A week later we got a phone call asking how everything was and I told them it wasn't any better, probably worse and we were told to go back to PAU. He was admitted straight away, had a lumber puncture and was given 48 hours iv drugs. He was diagnosed with a UTI and I believe he'd had that since birth as there was complications at his birth, he was nearly admitted to SCBU at 48 hours as he had a temperature which couldn't regulate and he had only slept 8 hours in that 48, 6 being on the first night.

However, after the stay at hospital he was like a different baby, he slept and was a happy little boy. He's now 8 going on 18!

Trust your instincts, if you think there is a problem, don't get fobbed off.

How's the poop? Any vomiting?
Another one with reflux here! She would arch her back and scream when she laid flat or went in her car seat. We tried infacol, gripewater, anything and everything that was recommended, the health visitor was so much better than the doctor. I was breastfeeding and had to be careful about what I ate and drank, no caffeine at all which I felt was slightly unfair seeing as I was feeding every 25 minutes day and night but she would throw up feeds and feeding was so uncomfortable for her that she took a little and often approach that I just had to go along with for a while to keep her weight up... They said the valves in the stomach aren't always very strong when they are first born and as soon as they catch up the symptoms calm down.
White noise did help, even having the vacuum cleaner on outside the room, static on the radio... I did have a little clip on radio that I used to play talk shows, the archers, anything that she would sleep to! Gah I remember the torture of it all!! She's starting junior school this year, it does end!!!

This is bringing back nightmares. My 2nd was like this. He screamed like a banshee for months, I'm sure even my own family thought he was being abused when he had a nappy change. The only time he didn't scream was when he was being carried by me, I tried loads of slings and none worked - he had to be being held by me. He slept about 2 hours a night but only when on my boob. It was hell and I send all my sympathies. BUT from about 13 months he's been a joy. Although he has no interest in personal space still.
Good luck, you will survive this.

Another one saying my DD was the exact same and it was CMPA and silent reflux. She went on Nutramigen at age 8 weeks (ish, can't completely remember as I was that sleep deprived) and she has been a delight since, completely different baby.

Yep, been there. Ds was exactly the same. I think if you haven't experienced it you don't really understand. It's not quite the normal 4th trimester stuff. If I had my time again I'd take him to a cranial osteopath.

DD is a completely different kettle of fish. Much more 'normal'.

Ooooh, I feel for you. My boy was premature and spent two weeks in SCBU, and also had jaundice and colic. We had a massive shock bringing him home. He was quiet in SCBU, because he was poorly. So the constant screaming and refusing to sleep unless on us when we got home was a shock to the system.
For the colic nothing really worked - infacol, gripe water etc. Baby massage seemed to help the most. Got some cracking farts out of him.
For the constant screaming when putting him down, I gave up with trying to put him in his own bed. He now sleeps with me, and when he was smaller had him in a sling a lot if we weren’t in the armchair binge watching Netflix.
He’s 8 months now and is a lot better. He’s happy to sit and watch me shower or sit and play when I’m getting changed etc. He’s still very clingy though and won’t play on his own for more than 10-15 minutes. He constantly needs attention or he’s not happy. He’s teething now which seems to have coincided with him reverting to having a meltdown whenever I put him down or leave the room..
Can’t wait until this stage is over!

You poor love. I still shudder at the screaming my tiny dd did for the first 6 months. My ears would literally ring, she was louder than a rock concert. She was definitely colicky; I used to think Infacol and Gripe Water were doing bugger all until I stopped them for a while and she was even worse.

If she wasn’t feeding or being held, she would scream. At 6 months she became delightful and when she learned to talk - v early - she was even happier.

She’s now 19 and the six months of horrific hysterical crying don’t seem to have affected her. ❤️ Definitely get your DS checked for reflux and so on but you’re not alone and this WILL pass.

I’ve just read your update and am with you on the temperament issue. Obviously look into silent reflux and possible CMPA to rule them out but he sounds so much like mine.

Mine also slept through night one after a long and difficult birth then screamed the ward down on night 2.

I think personality and temperament are set and you just need to go with it to some degree. We are so much more accepting of difference in adults than babies and children. We readily accept some adults are timid, or sensitive or stubborn but it is seen as unacceptable in children. I found when mine was a toddler some people expected a level of obedience and calmness from him instead of accepting how intense his feelings were. There is a book called Raising Your Spirited Child which may be useful to you once you are out of the newborn phase.

Mine had a cow's milk protein allergy. Nobody told me that you had to eliminate all dairy AND soy for at least 3 weeks to see if it worked. It did. Apparently an intolerance to soy often goes along with CMPA. And it takes that long to fully leave the system.

Made the world of difference for us! I had a normal baby again who would smile and didn't cry all the time. When I tested it by reintroducing milk after four weeks, we had the most terrible night again and it was clearly the cause.

Worth trying to eliminate dairy and soy for a while to see if it helps?

Reading this brings back dreadful memories of the first months. Had so wanted this baby but he crying andfear it would harm her reduced me to despairing tears. Was told I should leave her to cry but was unable to do this. But it does pass and she shows no apparent signs of harm.
That doesn’t really help you right now because it means you can’t put your DC down and get on with the most basic of necessary tasks.
Consult your HV, GP etc as suggested. Try taking him for walks in a buggy/pram . At least the crying doesn’t sound as loud outdoors..
Good luck

My ds was like this, he didn't like being in his cot, pram, anything where he was laid down, bathing him you would have thought I was trying to murder him, he never stopped screaming. The only 2 things I found that stopped him screaming were his bouncy chair in front of the washing machine & once he could hold his head up, using a door bouncer so he could bounce & watch what was happening, he was totally happy then, I even put his bouncy chair in his cot at night as he was happier & more settled dropping off in it. Midwives & health visitors would have been sending for social services if they had known but you do what you have to to get them settled & off to sleep.

It will pass. If it helps, my highest need baby turned out to be an extremely well behaved toddler and three year old. My two easy babies were/are much more challenging at 2 and 3 (and 4, and 5...)

My first was like this. I put it down to reflux/being high needs. Dr Sears website info re:high needs babies helped me a bit at the time so might be worth a read. But she's now 2.5yrs old & just diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and looking back (power of hindsight...) I think this contributed to what we saw as high needs at the time. So maybe have a google re SPD in infants, see if that fits for you. Now we understand and regulate her environment better re touch, sound, smell etc etc she's the most empathic, entertaining, intelligent little thing and the months of crying really doesn't seem to have negatively impacted her.
It's hellish at the time but you will get through it.

7 weeks is way too early to assume anything. You will go through so many cycles of ups and downs. Literally every 6 weeks of a baby will be different. Don't define them - they will change before you know it.

My daughter was a very cryey baby with reflux and clamlike behaviour. She was a terrible two. She is now a very kind and easy going 18 year old - and after two was the easiest and kind child ever. My DS was a very chilled baby and toddler always. He is now a chilled 90 percent of the time teen, but he is stubborn as shit. Who can know! dont be swift to define them. They change. 7 weeks is nothing.

Oh god week 7. I remember that. That was peak crying, walking back and forth with DS whilst he cried and fussed from 5pm to midnight every night.

It gets better OP. Weeks 6-8 are the worst. Stay strong. You're doing a good job

Oh and DS also went through a phase at around 2 months where he wanted to be held all day and would scream if you put him down. I can't remember how long that lasted (a few weeks?). It felt like forever at the time but now 6 months later seems like a distant memory.

It will all be fine OP. Eventually!

I think it was week 7 that DH went out for an evening and DS went to sleep in the sling then woke up and cried for 90 minutes non-stop (apart from a couple of minutes where he fell asleep mid-crying, but I was holding him and needed the loo desperately that I thought I might pee myself so had to put him down and then he started screaming again).

I actually felt a bit traumatised afterwards, but we're both fine now! He barely cries and spends most of the day smiling and laughing. You should be getting your first smiles around now at least? :)

Haven't read through the thread but my first was like this. You are doing bloody well staying sane. Mine gotbeasier with every new thing he could do. He wasn't good at being a baby basically. I've had two others since and they were 'easy babies who were a breeze compared to him! It was hell and I totally sympathise with you. You can and will get through it, and have a beautiful funny toddler who loves you to bits. Do whatever yo make it easier. Mum's of chilled babies will never know, and will always think it was their amazing parenting, as would I have if I'd just had my other babies.
You are enough, and you're doing well. Baby won't remember anything of this. Get help where you can, cause these babies ain't easy. But, eventually, totally worth it.