To feel shocked at my high needs baby

[Jadefeather7]

I have a seven week old baby who seems to fit the description of a “high needs” baby. Initially I thought he may have colic or silent reflux because he screams so much but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not those because he seems to get triggered by things like laying him down in his Moses basket/swing/car seat/changing mat or holding him while sitting (rather than standing and walking). Sometimes I’ll put him in the bouncer and he will be ok for 5 minutes then start screaming. Occasionally he’s totally calm when having his nappy changed other times it’s like I’m torturing him by doing it. These things make him totally hysterical. He basically seems to be very impatient and angry and he spends more awake time screaming than calm. There’s no build up in crying. I just took him out in the car and he went crazy as soon as I put him in his car seat and screamed non stop for 20 mins until we got home and I picked him up. At the moment DH has been around to help out but soon he will be back at work and I feel like I will go insane. I need to be able to put him down to change his nappy, make his bottle, go to the loo, grab food, take him to appointments etc. I put him in the sling for two to three hours in the afternoon and get a bit of time then while he’s napping. Apart from that it’s relentless.

I’ve tried cranial osteopathy but it hasn’t helped.

I read all this stuff about how crying is detrimental to baby’s brain and I feel massive guilt for ever putting him down. If he simply cried I might be able to take it but he doesn’t cry he screams hysterically. I feel like he must have suffered so much damage already from all this screaming. I feel totally lost.

The sling if correctly fitted holds baby in their natural position - its fine to carry them as much as you like in them! They aren't meant to be in car seats too long due to the risk of asphyxiation, which isn't an issue in a sling when following safe carrying guidelines

Your comments re screaming on laying down and nappy changing did make me think of silent reflux. My DC had SR and CMPA and screamed in pain every time she went horizontal, it was awful. As soon as we got the right treatment it resolved. Does your DC get hiccups or make little coughing sounds? This can be indicators of SR.

Personally I'm not a big fan of the word "colic" because it seems to be an umbrella term for "haven't a clue why this baby is screaming". Have you seen a HV, sometimes they can be more willing to listen as a first point of call than a GP.

Please don’t worry about the crying being damaging to him. It is damaging when a baby is left screaming for a long time without being comforted. It sounds like you are there holding him and comforting him, so even if he is crying don’t worry about it.

My first was like this. He had colic and spent every day screaming uncontrollably. It nearly drove me insane. Looking back I don’t know how we got through it. He got a bit better around 12 weeks then a lot better at 14 weeks and has been an absolute joy ever since. He’s 2 now and he’s a lovely, happy little boy.

Try to get as much support from your partner and family. It is really hard having a baby like this but it won’t last. It will soon pass. Take care

Hi op my baby was exactly like yours. It really is the most horrendous time and nobody else can possibly understand if their baby is different, it's just so draining. I promise you though it will get better, I think mine did after 6 months, and he is the sweetest nicest boy at age 3. I thought he'd always be a grumpy cross patch but he isn't, he just didn't like being a new born out in the world.

I don’t have any advice to add to the excellent posts here. It’s a long time since I was in your situation, but I do remember it being truly hideous. My DD had nothing wrong with her- she was just fractious and hard work. She is now 13 and an absolute joy- genuinely a fantastic and chilled-out human being.

DS1 was awful. And 25 years ago reflux didn’t even seem to be a thing (though he is massively lactose intolerant as an adult). I basically carried him around all day, often in a shawl Welsh fashion ( because I don’t think slings were a thing either.

However he improved markedly once he worked out how to use his hands and bash his little gym around. He was also super early to crawl and walk and talk and generally like a little sponge learning things. I think he found being a newborn a bit boring.

I feel your pain, my first dd was like this. We tried absolutely everything, from baby gascon to infacol to oesteopathy and nothing worked. It won't seem like it now but you will get through this, make sure your DP takes over after work so you have time for yourself. Once my DD could sit and start solids the constant screaming lessened, and she gradually became a pure delight. On the plus side, we had hardly any tantrums during the toddler years!

Sorry you are going through this, it must be hell. Read about the 4th trimester and report back when baby is 12 weeks. I found things improved dramatically at this stage

for you OP,sorry no medical advice,but hopefully he is just a noisy baby and will grow out of it.
There will be a time when life gets better,hold onto that thought and in the meantime,accept all offers of help so you can recharge your batteries.
A Dr told my mum that a constantly crying baby(crying for no apparent reason)often turned out to be very intelligent.😉🌻

If the infacol hasn't made any difference and feeding doesn't seem to be a trigger then I would see GP to rule out pain.

Any PND or other stresses going on at home?

As others said you could maybe try and rule out cmpa and reflux. I think I went to a&e a few times as he cried so much I thought it must be that. However after being on the meds for a while it made no different whatsoever and I realised it was just his personality. He did change and yours will too. In the mean time grab any support you can and try not to get down. Best of luck to you.

DS1 was like this. I couldn't understand how all my friends had these lovely quiet babies, who fed and slept well, when mine screamed non stop, taught feeds and could never be put down. After three months he was diagnosed with milk protein intolerance and silent reflux. He was put on two medications and prescription amino acid milk and almost overnight was transformed into a calm, happy baby. I still feel so guilty that his first three months were spent in pain, no wonder he cried so much!

OP I had a "high needs baby" - screamed all day every day, did not want to be put down etc. I despaired. Turned out she had silent reflux. Sorted it out and she was like a different baby from the first dose of ranitidine.

She is a happy healthy 8 year old now and definitely not damaged in any way. DH, on the other hand...

PS

If you aren't already doing these then give them a go

Skin to skin is still good at this age.
Tiger in the tree lift (google it)
Engage positively ++++++++ with baby, responsive feeding and parenting helps them feel safe and secure.
Baby massage course
music therapy for babies (google it)

Hang in there it will get better!

Another one here whose babies have been high maintenance, and was a mixture of dairy intolerance, silent reflux, colic and just general clingyness (different for each of the 3 of them). I found them not so keen to prescribe for reflux but once they did it was great. It's worth a try, even if you're not sure that's what it is - I basically had to beg to be given a two week trial, but it worked a treat within days. Infacol is rubbish, don't bother.
Kids are older now (still quite clingy!) and you don't think you'll get through it, but you do. Helps to think that everything is just a phase...
At least he's sleeping - that's one bonus!
Good luck!

Just wanted to say please don't give Calpol to your 7 week old baby unless prescribed by a GP!

No advice as others have given great advice already but I had a high needs baby too, tried every reflux cure under the sun, nothing helped but growing and developing as then their bodies just deal better with digestion! But worth getting checked again for anything causing pain/CMPA etc. Feel for you op, it's so hard x

God, that brings back memories. I really feel for you, OP. It will get easier!

The only thing that really worked for us was skin-to-skin and boob. If I had another baby like that now, I'd probably spend far more time just lying with him/her next to me, on me, feeding and holding. It totally floored me having a high needs baby, I wish I had rested far, far more!

white noise, the washing machine, worth a shot. A sling, too, one that holds the baby right up next to you. My ergo was a life saver when the babe was a bit older.

Maybe check for tongue tie?

My son remained (and still is) highly sensitive/has sensory processing issues. The other thing that I think might have been an issue was stomach/silent reflux - perhaps caused by gut flora, (emergency c-section - infection - antibiotics) but again,it is such a tricky thing to diagnose...

Hold on tight, hope things improve for you soon. xxx

My nephew was like this. He had a milk allergy. By the time the docs took my sister seriously, she was full on in PND and he was 8 months old. Go to your GP and push til they find the problem.

Cows milk protein allergy. If breastfeeding go dairy free if bottle feeding ask for a trial of nutramigen. Ds was exactly like until his eczema suggested cmpa, he was a different child within 48 hours off dairy. I felt guilty for weeks that I didn't realise he was in pain for all that time (4 months) and really angry with the health visitors who were patronising like I was a stupid first time mother that didn't realise babies cry sometimes.

I read all this stuff about how crying is detrimental to baby’s brain and I feel massive guilt

This is bullshit. The “science” is sketchy at best. Ignore it.

It is bollocks that crying damages a babies brain. No science supports this at all. People say that because in Romanian orphanages babies who were left in cribs all day alone and given propped up bottles, did suffer damage to their brain. But it was because these babies were not held or cared for at all. So please please try not to worry about that.

I don't know if this will help, but I found it explained all the problems we had been facing.

I remember I used an app called relax melodies that was brilliant. It had loads of interesting sounds that helped to calm the baby down. Worth a try maybe .

We've been quiet on this thread the last few months as the babies have got older and grown out of it but have a look here for some support: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3398261-Parents-of-Criers-Support-Thread-Respite-from-the-Screaming

My daughter is now 14 months and is still pretty difficult. It took until she had just turned 1 to get her into a buggy or car seat without screaming. She still won't go in for longer than half an hour unless she is dead to the world asleep, so I haven't travelled further than about 15 miles since she was born. (I also have a 2 year old and we've been pretty much housebound since her birth!)

Lots of comments on this thread are similar to ones I received when looking for advice, and unfortunately nothing helped for us. We went down the CMPA route and I cut out dairy (I still breastfeed) from about 3 months until 9 months. I think it lessened the frenzied screaming slightly but did nothing to help the pram/car seat/leaving the room situation. Mine is still just as clingy now although she will at least go to others for a short time now.

Hopefully yours isn't as bad as mine! I kept getting told she'd be better at 4 months or 6 months or when she crawled or sat up or walked etc etc etc but quite honestly, she only became marginally more bearable at each stage. She crawled at 6 months and walked at 10 months, and it was worse in a way because I quickly lost safe spaces to keep her confined. She would just shout and follow me at the same time!

Feel free to PM me if you would like to speak further because I felt like I was losing my mind. My friend even forced me to take a postnatal CBT class because she thought I was losing it. I would just sit in my car and cry and scream.

DS was a complete velcro baby until about 3-4 months, and would protest loudly, he still likes to nap on me more than anywhere else. Walking lots helped and the sling was my saviour, also keeping him engaged in things you think he's too little for, sing songs, pull faces, read books. He loved bath time too. He's six months now and people often comment on how happy and smiley he is, he still needs to be kept active and occupied is crawling in a face planty type way, and trying his best to walk, my DN is a month or so older and he is content to lie in a bouncer, will just fall asleep on his play mat whereas DS is constantly trying to escape, roll, wiggle, climb over my shoulder, grab the cat, but he is lovely.