To think its prattish to "thankyou-shame" strangers in doorways.

[wirlygig]

Like most generally polite people I say thank you when I see people going out of their way to hold a door open for me, unless I'm really distracted. But today, I walked into a busy shopping centre straight after a man and briefly took over hold of the door that he'd pushed open, before the person behind took it over from me. The man in front hadn't needed to pause in any way, but he immediately called over his shoulder "Thankyou!" in a sarcastic voice. I instinctively said "Thankyou" back to him in a similar tone, followed by:
Him (sarcastic): "Nice to get some politeness from a lady!"
Me (ruffled and unimaginative): "Sexist pig!"
Him: "Lesbian!"

I left it there, but it upset me enough to cut short my shopping trip and come on here for a moan to get it out of my system.

Sometimes people don't say thank you to me too - it happens to all of us - but surely only a complete prat behaves like this?

At least his friend had the good grace to look embarrassed.

Cool story bro

I genuinely believe a huge part of what is wrong with the world ie. selfish, self obsessed ignorant, reckless behavior- starts at the bottom with children not being taught the importance of manners

Which reminds me of an encounter I had recently with a young person. I was entering a shop and she was approaching the same door to exit so I stood and held the door until she got there. She gave me a lovely smile, said "Thank you", but then walked through the door without taking it from me - just left me standing there holding the door for her!

Obviously her heart was in the right place and her instincts were polite but I guess she had never been taught the etiquette about holding doors for the next person.

I used to do the sarcastic “you’re welcome” when I was a teenager, but would never say that now, I think it’s childish and rude.

What if the person who has “failed” by not thanking you, is having a horrendous day after having really bad news? Or just day dreaming?

Then you make them feel embarrassed and shit because they didn’t behave the way you expect them to. It is nice if the person thanks you, but that isn’t the reason you do it.

I was out with a man who did the sarcastic “you’re welcome” to someone once. I thought he was a twat.

I would have said thank you

I genuinely believe a huge part of what is wrong with the world ie. selfish, self obsessed ignorant, reckless behavior- starts at the bottom with children not being taught the importance of manners.

I genuinely believe that a huge part of what is wrong with the world is angry people with an axe to grind, who have nothing better to do than wind themselves up into a self-righteous rage about perceived slights or often very minor differences in point of view. This is a huge problem on internet forums and social media, but also in real life. It happens in schools between teenagers all the time. Dh calls it 'assigned intent' - assuming people are being deliberately mean/rude to you, when actually they don't even realise they've done anytjing wrong. Of course people should have good manners. But occasional lapses are not a reason to descend into nastiness.

@Smiggleiscrap I agree with every word you say. I think I am a polite person and would never knowingly neglect to thank someone in these circumstances. But one could so easily be distracted by something else on your mind that it could happen. I think you give people the benefit of the doubt.

lazylinguist - I think you are seriously over cooking it with "angry people" and "rage". I feel mildly irked for about 3 seconds when I do a 'thank you shame' as the Op describes it, and am not struggling with an impulse to lay the other person out. Blimey.

I hold open doors for people because I'm polite and I want to. I don't expect a thank you for it. I think it's a bit entitled to do something for someone and then get a rage on when they're not grateful enough.

Maybe, Limit. On the other hand, someone upthread was still thinking about an incident from 8 years ago...

Plus I was responding to someone who had said that this is 'a huge part of what is wrong with the world', which certainly doesn't imply a 3 second irritation.

Wow people are dying in Sudan and you're here annoyed over something that lasted for what, 5 seconds??

Manners matter. I don't mind no thank you if the tone of voice conveys thanks, but it's rude not to communicate thanks.

Manners cost nothing and the first thing I say to my children when they leave somewhere or get given something is 'did you say thank you?'

I think when there is a flow of people with everyone putting their hand to the door for a second or two in turn it's not really necessary for a thank you parade. I certainly can't imagine being sufficiently annoyed that I didn't hear a thank you that I'd comment on it. You can argue that you should have said thank you, or should have apologised profusely for your omission but I would say this is mostly about a man expecting gratitude for his chivalry when it's just something most of us do automatically without ego.

shelves my flatmate is from Sudan and today he is mostly annoyed about not managing to fit 'nevertheless', 'whereas' or 'notwithstanding' into his English assignment. :mad:

People get distracted, he shouldn't have taken it so damn personally that you forgot to say thank you.

lazylinguist is spot-on.

Do the thank-you shamers not see the irony of calling someone out on their perceived rudeness by responding with rudeness of an even greater magnitude?

So let me get this right.
You didn't say thank you.
He picked you up on your manners (or lack of)
You decided to escalate the issue by being sarcastic back.
Then you call him a sexist pig?

And you are asking if he was unreasonable? yes his responses to your rudeness were childish but I'm afraid this is all on you

It's pretty gross when people say this man shouting 'lesbian' at the OP as a supposed slur is the OP's own fault. Have we regressed that far?

I’m with smiggle and lazylinguist. Obviously everyone should say thank you, but nobody’s perfect and you have no idea what’s going on in their lives that might have led to a momentary harmless lapse. Going out of your way to (passive) aggressively make them feel bad is an active choice, and like some PPs I’d view it as a red flag in a man I was dating.

But then I’m a Londoner and I take an extremely relaxed view on trivial interactions, which is why I’m still sane.

DaisyCarrington - I don't consider it rude to call someone out for this

Interesting point. Perhaps standards and expectations are different in London

Well you perhaps should have said thanks. He didn’t need to point it out. Not sure why you called him a “sexist pig” - this is embarrassing tbh. And god knows what lesbians have to do with saying thankyou or doors.

You both sound as silly as the other tbh.

I think the only time you can drop your thank yous is when you are heading for the fifth consecutive door and you've already done thanks, thank you, cheers, ta and after that you are obliged to just smile and hope for the doors to finish.

You have absolutely no idea what is going on in someone's life at moments like this. They might be reeling with recent life-changing news, for example.

It's rude not to thank someone, yes - but equally rude to be passive aggressive (or aggressive, full-stop) or sarcastic in response.

The purpose of good manners is to make things easy and pleasant for others. Good manners aren't a competition, or a way of catching people out.

Calling attention to your own good manners at the expense of someone else's lack of them, is the direct opposite of what good manners actually are.

So if someone fails to thank you, be gracious and rise above it.