To think its prattish to "thankyou-shame" strangers in doorways.

[wirlygig]

Like most generally polite people I say thank you when I see people going out of their way to hold a door open for me, unless I'm really distracted. But today, I walked into a busy shopping centre straight after a man and briefly took over hold of the door that he'd pushed open, before the person behind took it over from me. The man in front hadn't needed to pause in any way, but he immediately called over his shoulder "Thankyou!" in a sarcastic voice. I instinctively said "Thankyou" back to him in a similar tone, followed by:
Him (sarcastic): "Nice to get some politeness from a lady!"
Me (ruffled and unimaginative): "Sexist pig!"
Him: "Lesbian!"

I left it there, but it upset me enough to cut short my shopping trip and come on here for a moan to get it out of my system.

Sometimes people don't say thank you to me too - it happens to all of us - but surely only a complete prat behaves like this?

At least his friend had the good grace to look embarrassed.

Someone did this to me when I was going through a really traumatic time and a bit spaced out. I wasn't paying attention at all to what was going on around me. When she said it I just thought fuck you, I didn't ask you to hold the door open. It's about 8 years later now and I still think about how rude it was for someone to be that sarcastic out in public to a stranger.

I hate it when people don't say thank you when I am holding the door open for them. I think it is really rude.

YANBU, I live in London and constantly have interactions with strangers where a thank you could be given but isn't, but who cares? Most people have earphones in these days so wouldn't even hear a thank you. He was definitely the rude one here as he intentionally upset you!

I am all for thank you shaming.

I tend to think it’s rude not to say thank you but then I also think it’s as rude to passive aggressively point it out of someone doesn’t.

I'm usually a real advocate of manners maketh man, cost nothing etc, but if I was in that man's position - i.e. I'd opened the door anyway and someone else behind me then took over the hold to keep it open for themselves, I don't think I'd expect a thank you. It would be nice, but I wouldn't expect it. However, if I go out of my way to hold a door open for someone coming in the opposite direction for example, then I definitely would expect a thank you.

Cutting short your shopping trip was a bit of an overreaction though OP - no point letting a silly interaction with a stranger ruin your morning!

It's about 8 years later now and I still think about how rude it was for someone to be that sarcastic out in public to a stranger.

Eight years?! You really need to let it go now - life's too short!

I find it ridiculous to think in 2019 a grown man is using lesbian as an insult. Really?

I had two people cut in front of me and I said you're welcome. Manners are important and should be upheld.

I would have loved to have replied ‘And you’re the reason why’ to his ‘Lesbian’ comment. Not that I would have I can never think of clever retorts and I don’t like scenes.

I no longer expect people to say thank you when I hold doors open... it's the exception rather than the rule TBH (UK).

Thank-you shaming is rude. The height of bad manners IMO is making others feel bad or draw attention to something they've done or not done.

I was once thank-you shamed in a pedestrian crossing. Others had crossed before me and after in front of this car but the young male driver saw it fit to stick his head and shoulders out of the window and shout a very loud, sarcastic and aggressive thank you at me only. I was miles away and taken aback. Something tells me he wouldn't have acted the same way towards say, DH, who is 6'5" and built like a rugby player and, crucially, a man

Absolutely. Only homophobic dicks think it's an insult to be called a lesbian. Fanny is marvellous.

You weren’t unreasonable OP.
It isn’t always necessary to say thanks, especially in a busy shopping centre.
Regardless of whether you ‘should’ have thankd him(I din’t think so) he was still most definitely a prat and a deeply unpleasent one at that.

I find it ridiculous to think in 2019 a grown man is using lesbian as an insult. Really?

Exactly - if someone called me a lesbian I wouldn't be at all offended. It's not an insult!

I mean he shout a very aggressive you're welcome at me.

Wish we could edit posts...

If I was distracted and momentarily forgot to say thank you and got a sarcastic "you're welcome" back or similar, it would grate a bit as I hadn't intended to be ungracious, but I would accept the 'rebuke' and not argue

'Eight years?! You really need to let it go now - life's too short!'

I don't dwell on it, seething over being thank you shamed as I drink my tea every morning or anything just when I remember it eg like when reading this thread.

The man in this case went too far however

I think his 'lesbian' comment tells you everything you need to know about his morality. Really not worth losing sleep over this particulat sexist pig. If he can go from 'politely' holding a door open for you to homophobic insults in 3 seconds flat, it was never a meaningful gesture in the first place. Forget about him.

I must have my head in the clouds all the time. Unless I was left holding open a door while a stream of people walked past, I wouldn't even notice whether I was being thanked or not, and even then, it would be super wanky of me to yell a sarcastic 'Thank you' after them.

I'm as prone to automatic thank yous and apologies for existing as the next awkward British person, but I don't think OP was being especially unreasonable to take hold of a door without thanking the person in front of her, who wouldn't have done anything different if there had been nobody there by the sound of it. The correct think to do when he began chiding you, OP, would have been to slink away, saying nothing but thinking resentful thoughts.

It's not an insult but he clearly thinks it is. Which says a lot about him.

These days, I walk slowly and with a stick, and most people wait for me and/or hold doors open, so I automatically thank them and continue. Until last week, when a young (20-ish?) man replied, "No, thank you", which was a bit of a surprise. I assumed he didn't get many thanks, but was he in fact being sarcastic? Or is this usual?

At a guess I'd say he was Expert Level Polite, EmNetta, rather than sarcastic.

You get annoyed when someone calls you out on having bad manners?

You sound lovely.

I did a sarcastic "thank you" when the man ahead of me going through the doorway let it shut on me... I had a tired 2yr old on one hip, soggy swimming kit for two on the other shoulder, and a bloody big, heavy baby bump on the front and was limping around painfully with SPD to the extent that a couple of weeks later I was on crutches. Not the easiest moment to be grappling with a heavy, shutting firedoor. He did have the grace to look mildly embarrased that he'd not paid much attention to what was going on around him.
Generally I save my sarcasm for other car drivers rather than saying it aloud.

We do need to work on manners as a society. Noticing what others are doing around you and acknowleding it boosts the general mood.

Getting sexist about it and "shaming" people about it because they're women and should behave nicely isn't cool or good manners though.

It’s rude not to thank someone who holds a door for you.