It's the middle class thing to do

[AndroidB]

Dh thinks you always have to say yes to an invite even if it's to an activity you don't like doing. It's just the middle class thing to do he says. I'm unreasonable because I didn't go to the lake district weekend get together with inlaws that mil invited us to. Told dh to go on his own and I would relax at home. I just don't enjoy endless walking in the lake district, just find it a bit boring and miserable if its raining.

Do you always say yes if invited somewhere? AIBU to think it's not unreasonable to say no to invite because I will find it boring/ I just don't want to?

'Hey DH, no it's not the middle-class thing to do, that's a ridiculous (and quite uneducated) thing to say. On the subject of MIL, can I also suggest you start quitting while you're ahead? You're more than aware of how manipulative her behaviour can be, and I'm beginning to get tired of you saying how high when she commands jump, because I don't see much of the same respect and effort coming the other way. Either start respecting my right to decline invitations politely, and be on my side, or I will start declining them much less politely and telling her that yes, I don't really welcome spending time with her because she is pushy, demanding and has mocked my efforts before. What do you prefer? Oh and btw she has no respect for you either '

He’s being an absolute tool.

Who wants to slum it with the middle classes anyway?

I find it very low rent to use the word 'invite' rather than the correct 'invitation'.

Do you think that a women is not making an effort if they attend something even a Christmas dinner and she does not wear makeup? As long as they are clean and wearing tidy semi formal clothes (not t shirt and jogging bottoms).

• hit send before finished. Why does lack of makeup for a women equal lack of effort

RIDICULOUS of him

Indont think it's a class thing at all.

If anything, I think the further you go towards middle/ upper class the more acceptable it is to decline or send "regrets", as they say. If properly posh I would expect there to be no need to give a reason.

It isn't a 'middle class thing'.
It's a manipulative and controlling thing that your mil is doing and that your DH is enabling.
He needs to cut the apron strings.

Does he even acknowledge their shitty treatment and attitude towards you?
It doesn't sound like he does.

Your DH is the main problem here.
Don't allow him or his family of snakes to control and manipulate you.

It is also permissible to thwack people who try to force you to play charades firmly over the head with a rolled-up newspaper I think you are confusing charades with Are you there Moriarty? The class comments definitely suggests to me that your DH considers you to a lower class than him. I can also think of quite a few parents who would frown on a preference for gaming over walking in the Lake District (particularly if there was a wet spaniel involved). Just ignore them, be yourself and make a joke out of it. No need to fall out.

There is no 'class'! Stop using terms from the 1600's. You are making yourself aound ridiculous.

There is no 'class'! Stop using terms from the 1600's. You are making yourself aound ridiculous.

Only someone who has really never thought about life in the UK today would deny that social class is still alive and kicking.

OP, well done. I wish I could be like that when DC were little and when we had entitled PILs staying over. I didn't have bunions and I love walking but when the children are little you put them on the first place. DH wanted to please his parents and if I said no he would be angry with me for disrespecting the important guests.

@Sherkin I disagree. We INDIVIDUALLY choose how we think. Just because many other people are doing it does not mean it js right.I have never thought that I belonged to any class, because I have always thought the class system is completely offensive and ridiculous. I have lived abroad in many different countries and any time I come back to England I think that the "class system" is so old fashioned and horrific. Question it people. We are equal.

Like if you break it right down, what does middle class mean. "I earn over a certain bracket, so I am worth more than those commoners that earn less then me"? It should be up there with racism

Turning down an invitation to something you don't want to do YANBU
Not wanting to go for a weekend in the lakes YABVVU it's lovely

as for the middle class thing. eh? I have no idea of the logic behind that at all

Your dh should just have said that you don't enjoy walking. It's not very kind to arrange an activity that you know someone doesn't enjoy and then make a fuss when they decline the invitation.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, your dh is not helping you, and your mil is being manipulative and unreasonable.

@Bandara, you misunderstand me. I'm also a foreigner, and I do not for one second approve of social class existing at all, far less of the stranglehold it continues to have on this country. And of course I think human beings are equal. I have never suggested otherwise.

However, social class is alive and well at a time of widening social and economic inequality in the UK, isn't primarily to do with income, and you can't for one moment understand British education or politics without some understanding of social class, the role of the top public schools, Oxbridge etc, and the way the 7% of the population who were privately educated disproportionately occupy the most powerful and lucrative positions in UK society.

Boris Johnson is where he is largely because of his social class. It's not possible to understand why a gaffe-prone, mendacious blunderer who can't keep it in his trousers is poised to become PM without some grasp of his privilege.

I wasn't making enough effort with my appearance on their special family Christmas (just because I would not wear makeup because its jut not my thing)

The gifts I bought were never enough… one gift was even subject to mockery by DH's aunt (she would also mock my taste in music and hobbies that are for nerdy losers according to her)

Well they're all solid gold middle-class cunts, aren't they? Feel free in future, if your MIL or DH demand to know why you have said no to an invitation, to cite any of those reasons above.

I guess I am not middle class.
If you don't like this sort of thing send a card thanking them for the invit, but say it is not you.
It is wrong of others to think anyone should do something they don't enjoy just because of an invite.
As long as you decline politely no one should take offence

It's nothing to do with class but I don't always say yes. I do sometimes take part in an activity I don't really like to make other people happy.

I got frowned at for not 'making the effort' on Christmas Day because I was wearing leggings and t shirt dress. I was pregnant, bleeding and had HG but I could've 'put a bit of lippy on for the photos' apparently.

This year we didn't go to the in laws for Xmas, took no photos and spent the day in our pyjamas eating turkey and drinking Prosecco. It was BRILLIANT.

Sherkin I completely agree with everything you said.

You can ignore class as much as you like, especially if you don't live in the UK, Bandara, but that doesn't make it non-existent. From your accent to where you went to school to your home to your clothes to your job, all of it marks your class, and people react accordingly. It is lessening, but is there, markedly so in some (the example of the Vile But Charming Boris is perfect).

You're mad for turning down a weekend on the lakes

In the lakes

shermin spot on.
You can define class - modern sociologists have come up with an algorithm to do just that. And the reason isn’t so they can all feel terribly proud of themselves for achieving middle class status - it’s so we can measure the huge disparity between the middle class/the elite and the precariat. People who try and say class doesn’t exist clearly don’t understand it and it’s effects.

‘The middle class thing to do’ that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve read on here in a while. for your DH