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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's the middle class thing to do

150 replies

AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:15

Dh thinks you always have to say yes to an invite even if it's to an activity you don't like doing. It's just the middle class thing to do he says. I'm unreasonable because I didn't go to the lake district weekend get together with inlaws that mil invited us to. Told dh to go on his own and I would relax at home. I just don't enjoy endless walking in the lake district, just find it a bit boring and miserable if its raining.

Do you always say yes if invited somewhere? AIBU to think it's not unreasonable to say no to invite because I will find it boring/ I just don't want to?

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 21/06/2019 11:16

It's just a case of 'do as you're told and defer to my parents' isn't it
Put your foot down now say no, otherwise they'll walk all over you

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 11:17

Because drip feeds are so incredibly tedious.

Whosorrynow · 21/06/2019 11:17

Your mother-in-law is sending a message that you don't have the right to refuse her, that you always have to defer to her, but she won't tell you to your face she prefers to be manipulative and 'triangulate you' with your husband to give her extra leverage

Whosorrynow · 21/06/2019 11:19

Mother-in-law sounds like a right pain in the arse, your best strategy may be to offend her as much as you possibly can so that she leaves you alone?

billy1966 · 21/06/2019 11:20

OP, ignore your DH and your MIL.

You do not have to accept invitations to spend time with people that are critical.

Maybe you'll have to spell it out to you DH and he can pass it on.

Is your DH a very kind, good husband.

If not, think hard about having a family with him.

Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 11:24

Whosorrynow I think you are right. I'm seeing now that mil is very manipulative

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 21/06/2019 11:27

So this is about domineering in-laws, a submissive DH and your anxiety? One for the relationships board then and nothing to do with class.

Whosorrynow · 21/06/2019 11:30

You could try and short circuit her by communicating directly with her and refusing to go via your husband, make her answer to you.
But really if she's manipulative now is the time to let her know in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with any of her shit
Ignore all the bullshit about it's the middle class thing to do, your husband is acting as the monkey here (or should that be flying monkey? 🐒) but anyway you need to speak to the organ grinder and give her what for

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 11:30

Exactly lottie
I think you've just got to the crux of the post.

oldwhyno · 21/06/2019 11:32

nothing to do with middle class, just how you handle the domestic politics of family life. hope your weekend on your own at home was worth the trouble it's causing. your mother in law is quite probably manipulative yes, but have the self awareness to realise that so are you. poor husband stuck in the middle. it's a classic really.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 21/06/2019 11:32

It's your DH's attitude, because it's been inculcated in him by his mother, but it's certainly not a middle class imperative. And the insinuation of "and if you don't agree with us it's because you're too common / too much of a snob" is rather unpleasant.

Still, problem easily solved. I am achingly middle-class and have a whole bunch of jobs that I need doing around the house -- if you PM me your husband's contact details and a list of dates on which he has no prior commitments I will happily invite him to come and help me out. By the time he gives in and accepts that it's not rude to turn down an invitation I may have managed to get most of the way through my to-do list...

CruCru · 21/06/2019 11:34

A couple of people have said something very interesting - one said that the DH was weaponising class to make the OP more passive and other has said that he has used MC as a shorthand for what his family does.

It’s okay to have a weekend to yourself. I’ve assumed that the weekend was just a weekend away, not one to celebrate something important.

I wonder whether the DH’s family see the OP as a lower class to them? Jilly Cooper once wrote thT when this was the case, the husband’s family would call the wife “little” - as in “Geoffrey has got a nice, little wife”. I’m sure that the family don’t do this but I wonder whether there’s an element of it. Refusing an invitation isn’t what a nice, little wife would do.

I used to go out with someone who thought he / his family were more middle class than mine. It came out in weird ways and I never felt all that comfortable.

AllTheGin84 · 21/06/2019 11:36

Don't get the middle class thing...

Defo go though, I would never turn down my MILs invite to a weekend away. All hell would break loose.

tomatostottie · 21/06/2019 11:36

They think they are better than you. They come across sneering and rude. DH's "middle class" comment just reflects a general attitude that they are of a higher class than you.
I absolutely get the rage when people start talking about class. What the fuck does it mean anyway?
It's not a middle class thing to do to accept every invitation that comes your way. It's manipulative people throwing a strop because you didn't accept their invitation because you should do exactly what they want you to do and when.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a fuckwit as well to be honest.

AllTheGin84 · 21/06/2019 11:40

@CassianAndor Agree... it would have been polite to go and I am sure you could have skipped the walk and done other activities.

My husband and I have to do a family holiday every year and I am sure he'd rather not come, but he knows it makes me happy.

AllTheGin84 · 21/06/2019 11:42

@AndroidB sounds like you have given up with them...?

Lbs4 · 21/06/2019 11:46

I think the middle class thing is a red herring. The issue more seems to be that your mil has interpreted your not going as something against her personally. Your husband has been caught in the middle and is backing his mum.
I would suggest calling your mil to explain that your not going was because you weren't up to walking as you felt that you needed some rest and that you didn't want to stop everyone else from enjoying their activities because you weren't joining in.
I would then suggest arranging doing something else together which you do enjoy whether this be a spa break or seeing a show.
The reality is when you get married you are joining another family and whilst you shouldn't live your life for other people we all have to find a way to get along and navigate family politics.

Sherkin · 21/06/2019 11:47

So this is about domineering in-laws, a submissive DH and your anxiety? One for the relationships board then and nothing to do with class

Well, surely it's 'to do with class' in that her husband has used social class in order to try to get the OP to comply. To me that suggests that class is involved somehow -- as CruCru said, does the DH and/or his family perceive the OP as from a lower social class than them, and see that as dictating her unaccountable reluctance to go on long, rainy hillwalks or play charades with them?

And I agree that other people's perception of your lower social status can come out in very weird ways.

I was a working-class foreigner at a highly prestigious UK university who had been invited by a new friend to go home with her to Derbyshire for the weekend to what turned out to be a minor stately home. Her mother watched me like a hawk during dinner (I think she was looking at my table manners rather than checking whether I was pocketing the silver) and afterwards drew me aside and said, in a voice so patronising I think I stared at her with my mouth hanging open, 'Didn't you do well, considering!'

StCharlotte · 21/06/2019 11:47

Dripfeeds aside, what would your DH do if he received two invitations for the SAME DAY?!!

Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 11:56

AllTheGin84 yeah because no matter how much I did it was never enough.

StCharlotte if it was invite from mil or fil (they are divorced), he would pick mil. If it was mil or friends it would again of course be mil unless it was a friends wedding I guess.

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 21/06/2019 12:00

Men are weird 😂 I remember my ex-DH saying I was rude to say to someone that I had been busy and forgotten plans made with them and unfortunately couldn’t go anymore! He said it would be much politer to say I was going then fake illness at the last minute! X

Bandara · 21/06/2019 12:03

Why does England still have a class system. What does it mean - because I am richer than you I am better? It is like the caste system in India

Bandara · 21/06/2019 12:10

I think that using "class" is incredibly offensive. You are actually saying that someone is worth less than you because they have less money. Why are these terms still being used in 2019? Very bizarre

Bluerussian · 21/06/2019 12:11

Your husband is wrong about this on all levels.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/06/2019 12:16

After however many years of marriage, your MIL must be aware that hill walking isn’t your thing.
The simple answer is to say “no thanks MIL, country walks aren’t my thing but would love to organise a spa day, Xmas shopping trip, visit to a theatre”.

Put the ball firmly back in her court.

Tell your dp you will accept anything you have half a chance of enjoying, and leave it at that.

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