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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's the middle class thing to do

150 replies

AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:15

Dh thinks you always have to say yes to an invite even if it's to an activity you don't like doing. It's just the middle class thing to do he says. I'm unreasonable because I didn't go to the lake district weekend get together with inlaws that mil invited us to. Told dh to go on his own and I would relax at home. I just don't enjoy endless walking in the lake district, just find it a bit boring and miserable if its raining.

Do you always say yes if invited somewhere? AIBU to think it's not unreasonable to say no to invite because I will find it boring/ I just don't want to?

OP posts:
diddl · 21/06/2019 09:38

Is it that you don't like them or don't like walking?

Is there no one that you could have chatted to?

Was it just MIL & FIL?

Orangecake123 · 21/06/2019 09:38

NO NO NO OP stand firm!

The book the subtle art of not giving a f*ck was a game changer for me. I now refuse to do things I actually have no interest in. Whereas I felt like I had to do things I didn't want to do like go to the birthday dinner for a girl I didn't even close to because my friends were friends with her or go out of my way at night when it didn't suit me-to meet a friend who just wanted to catch up.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 21/06/2019 09:39

It’s not a class thing it’s a people pleaser thing - agree with a PP on that... I have a natural inclination to accept every invite but my husband has the opposite which balances out in the end!!

Orangecake123 · 21/06/2019 09:40

*wasn't not didn't.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/06/2019 09:41

It's just the middle class thing to do he says.

He actually said this? How bizarre.
He's being ridiculous.

Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:42

diddl im not the biggest fan of my inlaws but in this case it was the activity. I find it boring and my bunions can make lots of walking quite painful after a while, which they are aware of.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 21/06/2019 09:42

What I would do is the following;

Go... but when they go for a walk you stay behind and potter in the lovely shops and have cream tea in a little Lake District cafe. Or book yourself into a spa treatment in a hotel spa (plenty of those up there)

Maybe that would be more middle class for him??? 😂

NoParticularPattern · 21/06/2019 09:43

I don’t think it’s a MC thing at all. Surely you just accept the invites that you want to go to or are available for? What if he got an invite for something and he was away? Does that make him less MC?! Who even cares about being MC anyway?!

HOWEVER I think you probably need to be a bit more polite about declining an invite than just saying “no I’ll be bored”. You could have thought of a million reasons why you couldn’t go, you didn’t really have to tell them their idea of a holiday would be boring did you? I’d also consider how often you refuse their invites- have you never done anything you don’t particularly fancy just to keep relations good? Now fair enough if this was some randomer inviting you, don’t go, say it’s boring or whatever you want. But this is your MIL. Would it not have been worth maybe trying a little bit harder?! Presumably the holiday wasn’t walking 24/7 and they did actually have somewhere to stay. Would it not have been possible to say one morning “oh my bunions are playing up perhaps I’ll stay here today”? You’d have shown willing at least.

ittakes2 · 21/06/2019 09:44

You said you would be bored the whole time. I guess your mother'n'law is right - you do not enjoy her company? No shame in that but she is right then.

Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:45

MinisterforCheekyFuckery yeah I asked how was I being unreasonable by not wanting to spend a few days doing an activity I hate. His reply was its the middle class thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:47

I didn't tell mil I would be bored the whole time, just dh.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 21/06/2019 09:48

That's a bit of a drip-feed there...

If you turned it down by saying how boring you'd find it, that's rather graceless. A kinder way might have been to say something like 'I can't walk too far because my feet are painful, I wouldn't want to hold you back!' Then suggest going for a meal or something so you do actually see them.

Just saying 'No, how boring' is a bit Kevin the Teenager... sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Nothing to do with class at all, IMO.

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 09:49

Clear the air with mil and explain it was the walking that you would find boring. Explain about your bunion and apologise if she got the wrong end of the stick.

Going forward you do have to make some effort to do family things even if you don't want to. That's part of being an extended family and you do it to please your partner. Sometimes you can make an excuse but yes, you do need to make the effort, perhaps two out of three times. Caveat - this wouldn't apply in families where there is no respect for you. Respect goes two ways.

Littlekittystops · 21/06/2019 09:50

He is weaponising class to try and shame you into being more permissive and agreeing to his mother's demands.

He is more like her I am guessing than you like to imagine.

It is perfectly acceptable to decline politely of course.

You dh is capable of walking without you I assume? He does not depend on you due to disability or being in a wheelchair? Barring a severe disability that his mother could not manage by herself, I would say you very much have a growing 'dh' problem.

Littlekittystops · 21/06/2019 09:50

kate oh do shut up. We are in 2019 now.

Divebar · 21/06/2019 09:51

If it was a weekend invitation then that’s different from popping over for the afternoon to see them. ( in which case let DH crack on) If you don’t get to see them often because of distance for example then I think you could have gone and not done the walking part. I’m pretty sure I could entertain myself pretty well even if it was raining. If you see them frequently then I think it’s ok to decline although the really middle class thing to do would have been to claim a prior engagement. Missed a trick there Wink

NCforthis2019 · 21/06/2019 09:51

WhT?! Does everything have to be a certain class now? Jesus. Since when did saying yes or no have anything to do with class?! Confused

Honeyroar · 21/06/2019 09:51

Unless you're frequently turning mil invites down "because "I'm not the biggest fan of my in laws" then you're not being unreasonable not going. Your husband should have simply replied "mum, it's just not her thing" and not relayed miffed messages. He's not helping the situation.

karala · 21/06/2019 09:52

I think I get what he means - it's something to do with accepting invitations for the politeness aspect because someone has gone to the trouble to invite you to something where they'd like to see you. I suppose the reverse to that is that you can get your revenge by inviting them all to yours for whatever interests you and might bore them rigid. Not sure that it's a class thing particularly

Original poster
AndroidB · 21/06/2019 09:52

Mil knows about my bunions and how walking for hours can get painful

OP posts:
Littlekittystops · 21/06/2019 09:55

Did you tell dh we are all working class now darling, assuming you haven't won this week's lottery.

CassianAndor · 21/06/2019 09:55

It's not middle class, but I'm getting a vibe from you that you're a bit rude? Drip feed about the bunions aside, you just sound like you're not going to be bothered making any effort with his family.

thetonsillolith · 21/06/2019 09:58

Weirdly, and against my better judgement, I am with the OP. My DH is thoroughly middle class and I had a working class upbringing but am prob middle now, due to education/lifestyle etc.

His family invited us to a thing for a very very distant relation, hundreds of miles from where we live. We have a baby and an autistic 4yo. My immediate reaction was to politely decline. Way too much hassle for a weekend, and wouldn't be fun for anyone as we would just be herding DC all weekend. DH and his in laws were absolutely horrified at the idea of us declining. But we were INVITED. Errr, yes and we can't manage it for very valid reasons. But you were INVITED. So you should come! Errrr... no.

So it wasn't an invite really was it? It was an order to attend.

Anyway upshot is that DH is going and I am left behind wrangling both kids on my own while he upholds his middle class values.

Lovely.

Vulpine · 21/06/2019 09:58

Manners are classless. I think when some one extends the hand of friendship it's nice to accept.

SmallBee · 21/06/2019 09:58

Android if you didn't tell MIL you would be bored then why does she think you've turned it down?

Do you genuinely not understand that the invite was more about finding a way to spend time with you and your DH than walking?