It's the middle class thing to do

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Dh thinks you always have to say yes to an invite even if it's to an activity you don't like doing. It's just the middle class thing to do he says. I'm unreasonable because I didn't go to the lake district weekend get together with inlaws that mil invited us to. Told dh to go on his own and I would relax at home. I just don't enjoy endless walking in the lake district, just find it a bit boring and miserable if its raining.

Do you always say yes if invited somewhere? AIBU to think it's not unreasonable to say no to invite because I will find it boring/ I just don't want to?

kate oh do shut up. We are in 2019 now.

I'd expect the same from my dh. No wonder there are so many dysfunctional families around if everyone takes your attitude littlekitty Of course you make an effort to get on with your partners family, barring obvious disrespectful people and situations.

First off, your husband is a twat.
It most certainly is not the MC thing to do.
Your husband is trying to put you down by this comment. Don't rise to it.

However, thanking someone kindly for their invitation but excusing yourself is the thing to do.

"Thank you but my feet are simply not up to a walking holiday. Enjoy"

And repeat.

It might be nice to spent a little bit of time with them if you could bare it, one night for example.

But 4 nights is a lot and YANU to not want to go.

Well, it's a fairly lower middle class thing to agonise about whether you are middle class, I suppose!

Tell your DH that, OP. He sounds a bit Hyacinth Bucket-ish.

Personally I am a prole, but do not feel this ties me to any particular reciprocity in terms of invitations. What is your DH saying? That refusing invitations is déclassé and working-class?

Or is he thinking that a long weekend walking in a rainy Lake Distinct is a deeply middle-class thing to do, therefore refusing it suggests a lack of middle-class-ness?

Wanting it to be a MC "thing" screams of desperation to me.

The only people who care about being MC are those who have to constantly remind others that they are MC, so desperate are they to be something that the majority of normal people don't give a shiny shite about.

It’s not the middle class thing to do. But not going to a get together because you don’t like walking is a bit pathetic- why couldn’t you have stayed at the cottage or wherever you were staying and read or whatever and join in in the evening?

Nothing to do with being middle class but taking other people’s into account is where the focus should be. It depends on the invitation and who from, turning down a wedding invitation or birthday celebration because you don’t fancy it, would rather do something else would be incredibly rude and selfish and I suspect that’s what happened here.

Why not go to accompany your husband and be polite to in laws, unless there is a big back story here turning down such an invite is a way to start problems with in-laws. Is a weekend in the Lake District such a hardship?? You put your own preference ahead of someone else’s feelings for what purpose? You sound very petulant.

If you want to have a reasonable relationship with your in-laws then it would be good to make the effort to see them once in a while. It doesn't have to be every time, and definitely doesn't have to be an activity you would find painful!

How often do your in-laws invite you to get together with them? How often do you accept? Do you invite them to do things with you?

I think the polite way to turn down this invitation would have been, "Oh how lovely of you to think of me! I would have really enjoyed spending time with you. What a shame that I find walking painful, so I won't come along this time. Say, would you like to go with me to dd's dance performance next month? We could go out for coffee afterward."

Or you could have gone along, stayed with them and spent the mornings and evenings together but done your own thing during the day. Just show willing once in a while, unless you truly hate them and don't want a relationship with them.

whilst FIL regales everyone with the muddy spaniel and the vicar story for the umpteenth time
Could FIL pop onto MN and regale us just once because I'd really like to hear

BertrandRussell I didn't really fancy staying alone in the Lake District house most of the day. I wanted to relax at my home and play some computer games to relax a bit. I make effort on other occasions, but this was for 4 days and I didn't like the main activity. So I thought why not a bit of me relaxation time

My mother is the sort to do stuff out of obligation - complains like mad but when I tell her to just say no I get the 'oh I couldn't do that'
I prefer the straightforward 'I don't want to'

Hang on, I don't think the OP actually told her MIL she wasn't going on the weekend because she'd be bored! I think that waswhat she said to her husband. I'm sure the official line from them was much more polite.

You put your own preference ahead of someone else’s feelings for what purpose? You sound very petulant.

I couldn't disagree more. There's nothing petulant about considering your own preferences, and, walking aside, a wet weekend in a holiday cottage playing boardgames with your ILs might be a bridge too far for many.

If more women in particular thought more about what they wanted, and less about what was expected of them by other people, there would be far fewer posts exploding with suppressed resentment on here.

kate oh do shut up. We are in 2019 now.

So... do you never do anything ever that impinges on your own immediate personal happiness for the sake of your partner because it's 2019?

'Can I switch over to the football?"
'No, it's 2019 and I don't enjoy football!'

'My mum's popping over this afternoon for a cuppa, that ok?'
'No, it's 2019, and although she's always nice to me and brings us flowers, I don't like the way she talks about knitting'

My parents were here last weekend. His parents will come over this weekend. Neither activity is wildly enjoyed by the other half, but I suppose since it's 2019 we'll have to divorce, because a bit of non-optimal enjoyment isn't an option.

Mil knows about my bunions and how walking for hours can get painful

Right... so instead of politely saying that, and wishing them well, you sneerily said it would be boring (there really isn't a way not to sneer when you're declining an invitation on the grounds that it would bore you...). I'm beginning to see why MIL has a problem, and it's nothing to do with class, rather the graceless way in which you communicate your feelings.

“BertrandRussell I didn't really fancy staying alone in the Lake District house most of the day. ”
Fair enough. But unless you came up with a better excuse than “I’d be bored” i’m not surprised your mil’s a bit upset.

It is very weird of your dh to make this into class. Even if he were right (which I don't know, not being middle class), it would be more to the point if he had said, "This is the expectation in my family. It's how we've always done it. My mum will be hurt if you don't go." Then you could have had a useful discussion about whether you ought to suck it up in order to please her, or whether he ought to explain to her that you do things differently and don't mean to give offense by turning down some invitations.

It's the class thing him getting confused with a sense of duty?

Yabu to be married to someone who states ... "it's the middle class thing to do"

OP best that your MIL readjusts her expectations of you is my best advice. If your MIL wishes to see you, she could invite you to something you would enjoy no? If we are talking about good manners, would it not have been polite of your MIL to invite you to something you enjoy and can facilitate? In my view her manners are very poor for ignoring your medical condition, and bunions can be very painful, and insisting that everyone must do what she wants to do i.e. walking.

If she indeed was so keen to see you, why not call you and ask what would you enjoy doing, and work around that? Your MIL can join a walking group of like minded individuals and indulge her passion for the Lake District and hiking. She does not need to force it on members of her own family.

Remind your dh that good manners often imply consideration, and you are not able to see your MIL displaying this quality in abundance.

You do need to come up with an excuse for staying away. In this case the truth about walking being painful should be enough, but perhaps they might think you should come along to stay with them anyway, and there is a risk they will suggest that if you tell them that your bunions are the reason you don't want to come.

Wanting to spend time relaxing alone at home is perfectly reasonable, but unless you have a warm and open relationship with your in-laws, you need a better excuse. Manufacture a prior engagement, or be ill.

I don't think it's a class thing as such but more the expectation of fulfilling a 'duty' which may be more of a generation thing.

My mother had a (warped) sense of duty towards family because that is how she was brought up which, also, might have been cultural as she came form a Jewish background (not religious).

She objected to me taking a stance with some members of the family and not attending events. My response was that as a child I had no choice but as an adult I can make choices as to whom I choose to spend time with. And that didn't include some family for legitimate reasons (nothing sinister or dramatic). She accepted it but I don't know if she liked it.

I'm ambivalent. I find a lot of social stuff exhausting so on occasion would simply decline an invitation.

However, if someone has gone to the trouble of organising a party for people, there is a certain expectation that sometimes you just go, even if you're knackered/hate their OH/washing your hair that night.

That's just called being polite. Take a child's birthday party for example. Imagine organising your little one's party, inviting a dozen of his or her friends and no one bothered turning up because their parents didn't fancy two hours in the hell that is soft play (or whatever). It would be appallingly sad and there's an expectation in life that sometimes we just suck it up because it's the right thing to do.

Class, or socioeconomic status, has nothing to do with it though. That just sounds like snobbery.

My mother is the sort to do stuff out of obligation - complains like mad but when I tell her to just say no I get the 'oh I couldn't do that'

@FriarTuck, my mother is just the same, and you've just made me remember the first time she saw me, aged twelve, refuse to do something I was asked by someone she considered an authority figure. I did so politely, and had a good reason for refusing, and it was no problem for the man in question just to ask one of the many other children assembled, but she was outraged.

I think it as the first time she realised I wasn't actually her, and didn't suffer from her particular hang-up about never saying no out of obligation.

Is the class thing him getting confused with a sense of duty?

Must be. Us proles have no sense of duty, we just loll about, occasionally getting up to nick a car.

Did he actually use those words, as in its the middle class thing to do to accept invites

If so, he's a first class knob . & he's wrong

I would say it's not the middle class thing to do. but it's the polite thing to do, especially when it's family. Perhaps your Mil thought it would be nice for the whole family to spend some time together. She's probably hurt because she thinks you don't want to spend time with them.

Tell him the upper class thing to do is to please yourself and not give two hoots about what the middle classes do.