It's the middle class thing to do

[AndroidB]

Dh thinks you always have to say yes to an invite even if it's to an activity you don't like doing. It's just the middle class thing to do he says. I'm unreasonable because I didn't go to the lake district weekend get together with inlaws that mil invited us to. Told dh to go on his own and I would relax at home. I just don't enjoy endless walking in the lake district, just find it a bit boring and miserable if its raining.

Do you always say yes if invited somewhere? AIBU to think it's not unreasonable to say no to invite because I will find it boring/ I just don't want to?

It would be good if we could drop this class thing as the majority of us work so that makes us working class?

Sherkin

Class has nothing to do with it but I think part of being married is making an effort with their family. And it would have been the polite thing to do.
You could have gone, taken your gaming machine (presumably) and explained that you can't walk but hope they enjoy it and you'll see them when you get back.
That would have been the nice thing to do in my opinion.
I'd be a bit sad if dh refused to come along to a family get together because he said he would be bored.
But then our families are important to both of us and we make an effort for things that are important to the other person.

I'm middle class. I quite often accept invitations to things I'm not enthusiastic about because quite often I do enjoy them anyway. Recently I accepted an invitation to join two old classmates from years ago to lunch, neither had ever been real friends of mine at school, we had a great time and will meet up again. My sons determinedly insisted I join them in what I thought would be a tedious board game, it turned out t be great fun and I was an enthusiastic and ruthless participant by the end of the evening.
I've found with work related events and courses that sometimes the ones that look very dull become great networking opportunities, or you might just meet a subversive person to be silly with. I'm sure some of the loneliness in old age could be prevented if people were not quite so picky about what they would join in with.

But then our families are important to both of us and we make an effort for things that are important to the other person.

chatham Haven't you heard. That is just so not 2019 now

“It would be good if we could drop this class thing as the majority of us work so that makes us working class?”
Including high court judges, consultant surgeons and the Queen, who I am always being told, works extremely hard?

It’s nothing to do with class. The upper class are the rudest people imaginable and couldn’t give a flying f*#k what anyone thinks of them. I would simply respond to this comment well it’s a good job I’m not middle class then isn’t it?
Have you ever done the walking before though? If you have and hated it - fair enough. If you’ve not, then maybe give it a go, you may be pleasantly surprised.

He's using 'MC' as a shorthand for 'it's what my family does' and to make a distinction with what your family does, without having to examine why anyone does what they do.

If I had to put this in class terms, I'd say that confidently MC people are very confident about stating preferences nicely and doing what they want to do. Only the Lower MC Hyacinth Bouquet types get het up about being seen to fit in - while not quite having the whiles, manners or confidence to do it on their own terms.

But, if this event was 'the big family gathering' a refusal to take part will have looked as though you don't enjoy their company. You could have found yourself some interesting things to do in the area during the day, then been social in the evening. I think it is also good manners to give things a go for the sake of fitting in with other people. I acknowledge there is a difference between that and committing to four days of doing something you've already tried and don't like though. I think I might have compromised by doing one walk and finding some good bookshops / teashops / pretty villages / tourist activity to do and playing it as you being a bit eccentric (on their terms) but still keen to join in.

Anyone who says they are doing something because they are middle class, is really not middle class.

In fact, the more people try and emphasise they are 'middle class,' the less middle-class they sound.

I'm embarrassed for your DH @AndroidB

It's not a class thing, it's a manners thing. OP You sound bloody rude.

They sound like snobs - not MC - and YES there is a difference!

I really want to hear the muddy spaniel and the vicar story too

On the class thing, I tend to agree with lottie: 'confidently MC people are very confident about stating preferences nicely and doing what they want to do.' I'd extend that to upper-middle and upper-class too.

Your DH is being silly and your MIL sounds like a massive drama queen.

It's not a class thing, it's a manners thing. OP You sound bloody rude.

Completely agree with the above.

You sound as if you're using your bunions as an excuse to not go.
Sometimes in life we all have to do things we don't enjoy especially if it means pleasing other people we love.

Your husband sounds daft!

I think that there's sometimes a compromise to be had-although not necessarily with bunions & walking!

I hated going for walks with my ILs although that was down to them not the walking!

Incessant inane chatter!

chatham Haven't you heard. That is just so not 2019 now
Aah ok. Will let dh know. I'm going to his niece's bday party this weekend. Fuck that! I'm going to watch telly.
Although I was quite looking forward to seeing them all...

Unnecessary drip feed for those saying I need to make more of an effort with inlaws. I used to go to everything I was invited to, even every Christmas instead of spending it with my parents. But it was never enough, there was always some fault to find, I was never doing enough. I wasn't making enough effort with my appearance on their special family Christmas (just because I would not wear makeup because its jut not my thing), or because I wasn't making enough effort to talk to them or because I did not want to play more social games like charades (I tried my best but I have very bad social anxiety that is so bad that when I had to give talks infront of people at uni I would not be able to sleep or eat for a day before and I would be physically sick). The gifts I bought were never enough (even when I was a student), one gift was even subject to mockery by DH's aunt (she would also mock my taste in music and hobbies that are for nerdy losers according to her). So yes now I make alot less effort, because no matter what there will always be fault, I'm not trying hard enough. So is it unreasonable, rude or even petulant to do what I want instead sometimes?

So is it unreasonable, rude or even petulant to do what I want instead sometimes?

Nope. It is also permissible to thwack people who try to force you to play charades firmly over the head with a rolled-up newspaper.

After the last post, I think it is more of an issue about incompatibility if interests between you & the in-laws.
If you’ve genuinely tried and it’s still not good enough for them, I think it’s fair enough to say ‘thanks, but no thanks’. It’s the manner in which you say this though.

That's one hell of a drip feed which does put a different slant on things, yes.

I think you're entitled to say 'no' to things you won't enjoy. I also do think one should promptly accept an invitation you'd enjoy and commit to it. None of this has anything to do with class!

Regardless of class it isn’t rude to turn down an invitation.

If I accepted every family invitation I would spend a lot of time at ballet and Shakespeare with my mum, at heavy metal gigs with my DH, tractor rallies with FIL and spend hours nattering about ancient family history with MIL and her many, many sisters over a glass of warm white wine or a cup of tea. They are all nice people and valid ways to enjoy yourself but they aren’t my ways so I say ‘thank you but I have other plans’. Job done.

Today I am heading to a 4 hour yoga workshop then an evening on a beach celebrating the summer solstice. Strangely enough my DH, Mum and inlaws don’t want to come with and that’s fine. You can’t please all of the people all of the time.

I don’t know what your relationship with your MIL is normally like OP but if your reluctance to go in a walking holiday is all she is upset about I think she is being a bit of a drama queen.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Jesus wept. Nothing worse than those desperately aspiring to appease 'middle class' - appraise your DH that the classification actually is decided by very specific criteria so unless he earns the correct amount, you own the correct property and have the correct level of educational merits, as well as holiday criteria and leisure activity choices- he isn't anyway. 'Middle class' does not mean 'polite' or civil and I would get frustrated very quickly with anyone who lacked the ability to understand why they were being so ridiculous. Wasting half your free time to keep other people happy because you lack the social skills to so so otherwise is a bit depressing.

His mum sounds like an attention seeking pain who i wouldn't indulge - nip it in the bud by telling her that she appears to have overreacted, is very welcome in your home, you simply don't enjoy the lake district. For the sake of good relations I would suggest an activity I do like though. To an extent you can understand why it might cause offence if you never joined in with anything but I don't agree with the sentiment that it is your job to appease and impress a DP or DH relatives as part of the role of DW. Getting along as equals and making appropriate efforts to do that where possie- yeah sure.

Nothing to do with class though, he just sounds like a teaching snob for that comment IMO. It would embarrass me.

Queenioqueenio I say thanks but no thanks to invites in a polite manner. But that reply isn't enough for mil, she demands to know from dh why I have said no. I'm not sure what dh said as the excuse, I just know that she said I'm making her feel unwelcome comment.

BertrandRussell why for fuck’s sake?