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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP took money from my purse.

149 replies

Caffeto · 21/06/2019 06:21

We got a takeaway last night, money is tight but Thursday is a long day for us and decided to go halfers on an easy tea. DP gave me money to cover it and and I said I would get some change when I was out and chip in my half (£5.50).

When I got home I had food and juice to carry upstairs and had left my purse in the car, said I would grab money in the morning for him.

He disappeared for a couple of minutes last night and I assumed he had just gone to lock the door but it turns out he went into my car and took the money from my purse, without saying anything. I only realised this morning when I went out for milk.

Its a tiny amount of money, I dont get why he's sneaked out to take it behind my back without saying anything?

AIBU to think this is weird?

OP posts:

Original poster

Caffeto · 22/06/2019 00:00

I don't see why keeping separate finances is strange, we have different incomes and outgoings. I have responsibilities that are not his, we split household bills equally then use the rest for personal whatevers. Generally we would take turns pay for dinner, but decided to share the cost this time.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 22/06/2019 03:37

Caffeto We also have our own bank accounts but we feel free to go into each others' money at home....I'll shout "Can I take this tenner from your wallet?" or whatever.

If I told him I'd give him change for something, I wouldn't care if he went into my purse for it.

imnotcheryl · 22/06/2019 04:07

Generally we would take turns pay for dinner, but decided to share the cost this time.

Sounds like he was trying to make sure he wasn't treating this one.

imnotcheryl · 22/06/2019 04:08

And that wasn't a dig at you op. It just sounds like he wanted to make sure the dinner was halved.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/06/2019 05:04

It's not OK to go through someone's purse without asking. If he wanted it straight away he should have just said.

I'd agree if it was anybody else to whom you owed money, but not your spouse/partner.

Maybe he not unreasonably heard you saying "It's in my purse in the car" as you meaning "Go and help yourself - it's in my purse", particularly as you'd specified where he could find your purse. Maybe he assumed you'd deliberately left your purse there, hence he didn't bring it inside for you.

We treat all money as joint anyway, but it's not unusual for me to go rummaging in either of our pockets/bags if I've just remembered we need to find the right change to leave out to pay the milkwoman who comes at 2am (it's never a 'round' amount) and I'm the only one still up. I'd usually mention it the next morning, but I might not always remember straightaway as paying for the milk is hardly the most exciting event.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/06/2019 05:14

I also don't think it that odd if you're not married and haven't been together all that long - although I realise that some people who've been together for a lengthy time, even those who are married, still prefer to keep things separate. I don't see how it can easily work practically once the unable-to-contribute large financial overhead of children comes along, especially if one of you supports the household by earning all or most of the money whilst the other supports the household by doing all or most of the childcare - but that's by the by and none of my business.

Soontobe60 · 22/06/2019 05:27

The only thing odd about this is that he didn't bring your purse in from the car. If I had left mine in the car in the same circumstances, my DH would have just fetched it whilst I was dishing up the food, or vice versa.
Op, you said you always return money but do you do it immediately? If I'd borrowed a tenner from my DH to pay for tea, I would return it as soon as I had it, as I know he hates to ask for it back. Neither of us pass a cashpoint on our way to work. He needs cash every day, I don't so he would be inconvenienced if I didn't return the cash.
Also, my DH always passes me my purse and I always say 'just take the bloody money' as I find this weird, but he is a bit OCD 🤣🤣

Peachy8 · 22/06/2019 05:33

If my partner did this, I'd be worried that his money situation was a bit desperate. Maybe just ask him?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 22/06/2019 05:33

I think I'd find it really stressful to live like this tbh.

I can't imagine begrudging anyone a fiver really, but especially not a partner I lived with.

Everything in our house is fair game.

I used to know a couple who would literally ask for a pound back from each other if the other spent it on them when they were out.

I just don't get why you're even a couple, if it's at that stage.

Original poster

Caffeto · 22/06/2019 08:24

Ffs. I don't begrudge him a fiver, nor him me, but its also not a disposable amount of money to us the way it seems to be for some on here.

We have been together a few years but when we first moved in together it was early days and we had different lifestyles and responsibilities so we decided to keep separate finances once bills were paid. It works fine.

OP posts:

Asta19 · 22/06/2019 08:38

I don’t think it matters how you manage your finances. The fact is he snuck off and took the money from your purse. Didn’t even bother bringing the purse back with him and didn’t even mention it to you. In that circumstance, yes I would be annoyed. Just because it’s so sneaky.

Most of my previous partners (currently single) wouldn’t even go in my handbag, let alone my purse. I’ve sometimes said oh can you get my phone, it’s in my bag etc and they get uncomfortable and say it’s not right to go in my bag. And I was married to one of these men and he said the same. So yes I would find it very weird for them to just take money from my purse and say nothing.

Original poster

Caffeto · 22/06/2019 13:06

That's my point Asta, the money itself isnt the problem, it's the fact I was sitting right next to him on the couch and he never said a word.

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/06/2019 13:24

But why hadnt you gone and got the cash? Why on earth do you leave your purse in the car?

mummmy2017 · 22/06/2019 13:25

Have you spoken about this since?
Maybe he thought you had given him permission to get it....

fedup21 · 22/06/2019 13:29

I can’t get beyond you leaving your purse in the car!!

RelateOrNot · 22/06/2019 13:33

when I came home I said I hadnt lifted my purse from the car but that I would make sure I gave him money after we'd eaten or in the morning before we left for work. He didn't urgently need it for anything and neither he nor I mentioned it again.

This post sounds as though he didn’t trust you to keep your word. And to be fair, he was right.

The fact that he didn’t feel able to just say “I’l Just nip into the car to get your purse, just want to make sure we don’t forget in case I’m caught short tomorrow” or some such speaks volumes.

How is communication on other areas of your relationship, OP?

Original poster

Caffeto · 22/06/2019 18:44

I hadn't gone and got it because we hadn't long finished eating.

This post sounds as though he didn’t trust you to keep your word. And to be fair, he was right.

How was he right? I didn't have much of a chance to get it of he went down straight away and did so himself without a word. I was up hours before him in the morning and would have had it ready for him leaving for work.

If he didn't trust me to remember he could've said "I'll just nip down and get that change so I have it for tomorrow" or whatever.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 22/06/2019 18:51

I was up hours before him in the morning and would have had it ready for him leaving for work.

But you didn’t. You only realised when you went to buy milk, we’ll after he’d gone to work

BarrenFieldofFucks · 22/06/2019 19:06

You didn't realise until you went to buy milk, implying you hadn't gone to give it to him previously.

I often leave my wallet in the car, for all he knew you wanted it left there.

It was his money. I'd mention it "oi, didn't you think I'd give your money back? You should have said".

Original poster

Caffeto · 22/06/2019 19:18

But you didn’t. You only realised when you went to buy milk, we’ll after he’d gone to work

I went to get milk at 6am... he starts work at nine and wasn't even awake when I left the house

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 22/06/2019 20:03

I feel that if he took his change rather than leaving it with you, then it has to be he needed and though you might not return it...

NigellaAwesome · 22/06/2019 20:44

Have you discussed it with him yet?

Beaverdam · 22/06/2019 21:27

I really dont see the issue. You live together and therefore share. My partner goes in my purse all the time and i go in his if i need money. Everyones relationship is different though and if this is unacceptable to you then maybe you need to have a conversation with your partner.

HomeMadeMadness · 22/06/2019 21:30

Since DH and I had been going out for a few months we'd have felt free to rummage in each other's wallets for a few quid if we needed it. I can't imagine living with someone and being so private about my wallet or a few pounds.

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