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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP took money from my purse.

149 replies

Caffeto · 21/06/2019 06:21

We got a takeaway last night, money is tight but Thursday is a long day for us and decided to go halfers on an easy tea. DP gave me money to cover it and and I said I would get some change when I was out and chip in my half (£5.50).

When I got home I had food and juice to carry upstairs and had left my purse in the car, said I would grab money in the morning for him.

He disappeared for a couple of minutes last night and I assumed he had just gone to lock the door but it turns out he went into my car and took the money from my purse, without saying anything. I only realised this morning when I went out for milk.

Its a tiny amount of money, I dont get why he's sneaked out to take it behind my back without saying anything?

AIBU to think this is weird?

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/06/2019 07:38

This kind of thread makes me glad we have shared finances. Sounds exhausting having to pay your partner back for your half of a meal, right down to the 50p, all the time. Don't the two of you ever treat each other?

And if money is tight, yeah, beans or eggs on toast is an easy tea.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/06/2019 07:39

Wouldn't bother me if I owed him the money - to me it's not like going into my phone (which is private). I would be mildly suspicious if someone owed me cash and then casually left their wallet in the car, actually.

Baddabingbaddaboom · 21/06/2019 07:40

I find it strange that you have enough of a problem with this to ask advice on it Hmm

BlueSkiesLies · 21/06/2019 07:41

I think it's weird that there are couples who owe each other money in this way and make sure they get their £5.50 back! It feels petty and unattractive to me.

Then count yourself lucky you’ve never been in a position where £5.50 is a lot of money.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/06/2019 07:42

As you’ve said money is tight.

YABU somewhat, however I’d also be unhappy someone went into my purse and took money.

However he’s your DP so he’s not untrustworthy, if he is you’ve got bigger to deal with.

Butterymuffin · 21/06/2019 07:46

As ever, this must be a symptom of an underlying problem if you're this annoyed about it. What's the background? Do you forget to give him money back and he ends up without cash when he needs it? Does he get irritated when you leave your purse in the car, so he went to get it and thought he might as well take back the money at the same time?

LL83 · 21/06/2019 07:47

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds OP has said money is tight so they agreed a takeaway and to split it, that may have been bus fayre for work or all he had for the weekend.

I don't understand why couples with plenty split bills when they are out and about but their business. I think it is unsympathetic and arrogant that you can't see why it may be essential to some couples on a limited budget

ShatnersWig · 21/06/2019 07:47

I thought MN wisdom is that all money is family money when married? Or is it only family money when it's not in someone's purse?

AyBeeCee10 · 21/06/2019 07:49

I can't imagine squabbling over a few pounds. I get that its tight but now its bringing about all unecessary issues. He may have needed it but he could have asked. Maybe he doesnt see that as a big deal. DH and I go into each other's wallet all the time. Tell him if you are not comfortable with that sort of arrangement.

CherryPavlova · 21/06/2019 07:51

Sounds like you are housemates not partners. Partners share equally.
If it’s a lot of money then as someone said a pizza might have been a better option.
My husband and I often go to each other’s wallet or purse to take cash, if we have any. We don’t use cash that often but need it for certain things so I might see if he’s got £10 towards cleaners money instead of driving out to a cashpoint or he might look to see if I’ve got a £20 note to pop ,in a gift parcel to our student daughter.
It’s not a breach of trust; it’s sharing a life.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/06/2019 07:54

I have been bones of my arse poor. I still wouldn't do this.
If I was the dp in this situation I would ask OP for some money for the bus or whatever he needed it for, the next day. I wouldn't link it to him owing me a fiver for the takeaway. I wouldn't be so focused on it that I had to take it out of his wallet right there and then. I don't know - it just feels 'off' to me.

Mishtry · 21/06/2019 07:54

My DH will go into my purse for change for travel BUT he always lets me know he’s doing it. It’s a bit weird not to just say “I’m popping out to get the change from your purse because I need it for xyz”. I don’t think I’d be bothered if he didn’t mention it, but would find it a bit strange if he had to leave the house to fetch it and didn’t say what he was doing.

Normally he just say’s “wheres your purse I need change” But we have one family pot so its not odd for us to go though each others wallets. But we always do shout out to each other “i’ve taken your card or some cash”.

This sounds like a trust thing more than anything else.

NaturalBornWoman · 21/06/2019 07:55

I thought MN wisdom is that all money is family money when married? Or is it only family money when it's not in someone's purse?

My ex used to help himself to money from my purse without asking which often meant I then was short of ready cash for something I needed to do, maybe for school for the children or whatever. He presumably was just as capable of going to the cash point and organising himself as I was. It used to infuriate me. Selfish bastard. In this case the DP should have said he needed it now.

User2638394 · 21/06/2019 07:57

I find this kind of division of finances between couples very weird! It’s like you’re colleagues, not a partnership.

In my relationship it wouldn’t cause me to blink an eye if my husband took money from my purse to pay for something. I would expect him to mention it just so that I didn’t think the money was there when it wasn’t, but I wouldn’t expect him to ‘pay me back’ for it. We are a partnership, we don’t do any kind of internal accounting like that.

Is yours a very new relationship / have you only just started living together? If so I can understand why your finances are more separate. It may be though that he just has different expectations - you had said you would give him that money from your purse, so it’s easy to see how he might have just thought he was saving you the effort of doing it. It’s not like he took money you hadn’t already agreed to give him. If it’s just that you wanted to be in control of the actual process of handing the money over I think you’re making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

It might be worth just generally having a conversation about your finances so you’re on the same page. If this kind of thing is a red line for you, let him know explicitly.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/06/2019 07:58

However couples organise their money, I do agree you should tell each other what you have done. It would be annoying to think you have money in your purse, then go to give your kids dinner money or something and then find you don't have cash on you.

Shoxfordian · 21/06/2019 08:08

He should have said, is it ok if I take that fiver you owe me not just gone into your purse without asking. My dh would never just take money from my wallet without asking me. Has he done this kind of thing before?

GreyCloud0 · 21/06/2019 08:09

I think it's weird that there are couples who owe each other money in this way and make sure they get their £5.50 back! It feels petty and unattractive to me

I agree but I also don’t see any problem with him going into your purse either and getting it.

NaturalBornWoman · 21/06/2019 08:11

However couples organise their money, I do agree you should tell each other what you have done. It would be annoying to think you have money in your purse, then go to give your kids dinner money or something and then find you don't have cash on you.

Yes exactly this. And then the assumption that it would be convenient for me to get more cash, or go into a shop to break a £20 for change for parking or whatever. Without checking beforehand. It can be about a lot more than whether it's family money or not. Obviously in this case they agreed to split the cost, but he still shouldn't have gone into her purse behind her back.

Bahhhhhumbug · 21/06/2019 08:13

See l can't abide people like this, drives me nuts.... 'I' ll pay you later, l've no change, l've left my purse at home, my leg fell off on way to the cashpoint etc etc.
Just cough up ffs, lm with your dp lm afraid.

Pa1oma · 21/06/2019 08:20

I think it depends on how long you’ve been with him OP. You say DP, is he’s not a DH. You obviously have separate finances, but maybe you’ve just moved in together? Do you have DC?

I wouid take cash out of DH’s wallet - eg if the kids need cash for school and his wallet is there, I’ll just take it. If I leave him with nothing, I might just shout up and check this is ok. I couldn’t care less if he took money out of my bag either. It’s all one and the same.

EmilyThornby · 21/06/2019 08:21

My partner would never just take money from my purse. Even if I say "there's £10, take it" he'll bring my purse to me so I can give it to him.

He could have said, "I really need the money back, shall I get your purse or will you get it now?" If he's really bothered that she'll forget. To just go and help yourself and say nothing is sly, devious and underhand. Not qualities that I want in my life partner!

HavelockVetinari · 21/06/2019 08:25

Sounds like he really needed the money but didn't want to come across as nagging so got it himself.

OR you have form for forgetting to pay, and if money is as tight as you say he can't afford to sub you.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/06/2019 08:29

Don’t actually know which way I feel about this one- on one hand if I owed dp a fiver and he went and took it, it wouldn’t bother me per se but I’d think he should have asked/said something. Dp wouldn’t like it if I went rooting through his wallet without asking.

I suppose when you live together and share everything there aren’t many things that are truly private or your real tangible personal space- even though you’re not hiding anything it seems respectful to ask/tell the other person if you’ve touched their wallet/handbag.

I owe my daughter €5 as I ran out of cash yesterday but whilst I owe it and will be giving it back to her I wouldn’t be impressed if I caught her rifling through my handbag without permission.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/06/2019 08:30

On the one hand yes it seems a bit weird.

On the other hand, you said you would get change when you were out so couldn't give your half straightaway, then when you got back you didn't give him the money because you left your purse in the car.

Maybe he was fed up with your faffing and as money was tight, just wanted the bloody £5.50. If you want a job doing .......

Lolly86 · 21/06/2019 08:31

I honestly would not be bothered about this with DH at all