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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP took money from my purse.

149 replies

Caffeto · 21/06/2019 06:21

We got a takeaway last night, money is tight but Thursday is a long day for us and decided to go halfers on an easy tea. DP gave me money to cover it and and I said I would get some change when I was out and chip in my half (£5.50).

When I got home I had food and juice to carry upstairs and had left my purse in the car, said I would grab money in the morning for him.

He disappeared for a couple of minutes last night and I assumed he had just gone to lock the door but it turns out he went into my car and took the money from my purse, without saying anything. I only realised this morning when I went out for milk.

Its a tiny amount of money, I dont get why he's sneaked out to take it behind my back without saying anything?

AIBU to think this is weird?

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 21/06/2019 08:36

I think it's more weird that if money is tight you didn't go back to get his change immediately.
I also think it's weird that you would happily leave your purse in the car overnight but are bothered that your partner retrieves his change from it.

Tallgreenbottle · 21/06/2019 08:40

Yabu OP. I presume your car was only outside?? How lazy. It was his money as you owed it to him.

gingersausage · 21/06/2019 09:05

Even if it’s “family money” surely just helping yourselves to each other’s cash would get annoying. It’s not about the shared finances, it’s about the physical money. On the odd occasion I have cash in my purse, I’ve drawn it out for something specific that I can only pay in cash. If DH took it without asking, I’d be well pissed off and vice versa.

NigellaAwesome · 21/06/2019 09:08

On the face of it, he seems weird and petty to have done it and not said anything.

But - so much depends on your relationship dynamic. Do you have form for not paying your share? How long have you been together, what is your joint approach to finances? Why on earth do you leave your purse in the car? Confused Without that context it's impossible to say.

I wouldn't care if my DH took money from my purse, although I would be surprised if he didn't mention it in passing to me - purely to let me know as I may have it earmarked for something. However, we have been together for 18 years, have fully shared finances, trust each other completely. I'm getting from your post that this may not be the case for you?

Oysterbabe · 21/06/2019 09:11

If there's cash in my bag it's usually because I've got it out specifically to pay the cleaner. If DH took it without a word I'd be really irritated. I don't think anyone is disputing that she should have given him the money but he shouldn't have just taken it.

NoSquirrels · 21/06/2019 09:11

The only thing I think is at all odd about it is that he didn't fetch your purse in from the car and tell you why. Otherwise it's fine. Clearly he needed the change for today (money is tight you have said) and you forgot to give it to him. You said yourself you only realised - i.e. remembered about the change you owed! - when you went to buy milk. So he was correct to assume you would forget to repay him in time.

Does it happen often that you forget? Maybe have a think...

Greyhound22 · 21/06/2019 09:13

He shouldn't really have gone into your purse but to be honest my DH irritates the shit out of me by 'borrowing' money (we have separate finances) and then me having to constantly nag him for it back. It seems petty but at one point last month DM, DH, DMIL and DB all owed me small amounts of money which added up to a fair amount. I hate people saying 'oh I owe you don't I I'll have to get it' numerous times 🙄

Would you have give it him back or conveniently forgot? If you do this often I can see why he did it. Sometimes it's not the amount it's just the principle 😬

Celebelly · 21/06/2019 09:14

Think it depends on your dynamic. We go into each other's purse\wallet all the time, more often me trying to find change for various baby classes!, but then we don't split things like takeaways down the middle as our money is mostly pooled for stuff like that. It sounds like you're at an earlier stage in a relationship where that kind of dynamic isn't really there yet.

HappyRoots · 21/06/2019 09:15

Difficult to make a judgment unless you answer the posters asking whether you have form for saying things like, "I'll get you the money later" and then not paying up. Sometimes people genuinely don't realise they do this. If you do have form and money is tight then I can see myself doing what your DP did and just taking it before the other person "forgets" again in the morning. Money's been tight for me though most of my adult life, and that feeling of getting anxious when you don't think you're going to get the small amount of money back and therefore won't be able to afford X,Y,Z doesn't ever quite leave you. I'm scared of running out of food too and therefore hoard a bit (I have issues though! But just for context)

kateandme · 21/06/2019 09:31

we just dip into eachother purse/wallets etc.there is nothing malicious about it.as long as we dont leave eacoher with nothing (him doing this!)and let eacohter know. "took a tenner for lunch luv"

kateandme · 21/06/2019 09:32

Celebelly this.

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 09:40

I'm presuming he meant to tell you but got distracted?

Just mildly ask him. Without an accusing tone say "did you take your money from my purse?" And see what he says. You'd expect him to answer something like "yes, sorry I meant to say"sw

lyralalala · 21/06/2019 09:56

It doesn’t sound like he ‘sneaked’ out, he just sorted the issue while you were busy.

And sounds like he needed the money this morning.

SwimmingintheDeepBLUESea · 21/06/2019 09:56

There are two weird things here

  1. that he didn't just mention he was popping out to the car to get your purse in/ his money. Would there have been an argument if he had said this? Otherwise there seems to be no rationale reason for not saying anything.

  2. that you were going to leave your purse in the car (I don't have parking next to my house and am a single parent, so going back out to the car means taking both young DC and I still would go back for my purse).

Monday55 · 21/06/2019 09:57

So you was planning to buy milk with his change? That sounds like you was hoping he'd forget which is probably what's pissing you off here. You already had made plans for his change.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2019 10:01

Meh depends on your relationship really, it wouldn't bother me if my DH took money out of my purse if he needed it and likewise it wouldn't bother him if I did the same whether it was "owed" or not

LKRJM · 21/06/2019 10:04

Don’t really see the issue. My only problem would be that he didn’t bring my purse in if I was silly enough to leave it in the car. It’s his money, you said it yourself you owed it him and if you said you were going to give it him it’s your responsibility to give it him not keep putting him off. He might of needed it for this morning and we’re concerned you’d forget again. Nothing worse than keep reminding people they owe you money.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 21/06/2019 10:07

It sounds like you're more annoyed that he took his money back than you are about him not trusting you to give it back. Which makes me think you've not paid him back when he needed it before possibly. In which case he is NBU.

Jemimapuddleduckpancake · 21/06/2019 10:09

I wouldn't have mentioned it as I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal? He's your partner, you went halves on something, he probably thought as youd said he could have half that he could just take it out?

Jaffacakebeast · 21/06/2019 10:20

Maybe he’s that skint he needed back for work/parking and was a bit embarrassed to ask for it again as it was such a small amount. I hate asking for money back (again) skint or not, little or large amount

optimisticpessimist01 · 21/06/2019 10:52

It wouldn't bother me if he just said "oh ffs I'll just go to the car and get it, I need it for X in the morning", it'd be the sneakiness of it that would baffle me and annoy me

Pinkmouse6 · 21/06/2019 10:55

Title is a bit click baity tbh. He didn’t go through your purse to steal money, he just took the money you owed him. You shouldn’t leave your purse in the car overnight either.

Original poster
Caffeto · 21/06/2019 13:16

Not replying to so many posts individually but to.
clarify a few things;

No I do not have "form" for not paying my way. We live together but keep finances separate, if one of us owes the other money it is repaid.

He wasn't in urgent need of the money, I know he had enough on him to see him through the day.

I often leave my purse in the car, however the only reason I didnt bring it inside is because it was in the glove compartment after I paid for our takeaway and my hands were full when I brought it upstairs.

If he had said "do you mind if I nip out and get that change" or had asked me to get it after we'd eaten that wouldnt have been a problem. The reason I didnt go back for it straight away is because we live upstairs in a flat and we had hot food waiting.

Monday I wasn't hoping he'd forget so that I could spend his money ffs Hmm I had my own money for the milk, he took the amount I owed him.

I'm not annoyed at giving the money back, I'm annoyed that he took my car keys and went downstairs into my car and purse, without even a word to me. He often leaves change lying around and I would never lift it without mentioning it to him - whether he owed me it or not.

Hope that clears a few things up. I realise the small amount of money isnt a big deal, I'm not going to cause a row about it, I just wondered what other people thought about him going out of his way to get it without me noticing.

OP posts:
MAXnot73 · 21/06/2019 13:21

This is bizarre.

Is he your DP or just a boyfriend?

I can't ever imagine why anyone would be like this with a long term partner.

LemonTT · 21/06/2019 13:28

Maybe you said something along the lines of the money is in my purse in the car or that’s what he heard. I doubt very much either if you will remember of agree on the exact words. Our memories don’t work that efficiently.

But if you insist that is what you said then my opinion is that saying you cannot repay the money because you left the purse in a unsafe nearby that you wouldn’t return to immediately sounds suspect.