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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP took money from my purse.

149 replies

Caffeto · 21/06/2019 06:21

We got a takeaway last night, money is tight but Thursday is a long day for us and decided to go halfers on an easy tea. DP gave me money to cover it and and I said I would get some change when I was out and chip in my half (£5.50).

When I got home I had food and juice to carry upstairs and had left my purse in the car, said I would grab money in the morning for him.

He disappeared for a couple of minutes last night and I assumed he had just gone to lock the door but it turns out he went into my car and took the money from my purse, without saying anything. I only realised this morning when I went out for milk.

Its a tiny amount of money, I dont get why he's sneaked out to take it behind my back without saying anything?

AIBU to think this is weird?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 21/06/2019 13:59

The fact he did go and remove the money you owed he m, means you have read something wrong here...
Or he would not have done it.
The only reason I might have done this is if I was cross about it, and it would have to have been the third or fourth time.....

Asta19 · 21/06/2019 14:41

So when he took the money did he bring your purse in the house or leave it in the car? That would make a difference to me. If he went to get it so it wouldn't be in the car all night and just took the money while he did so, then not such a big deal. If he left the purse in the car then yes it's a lot more sneaky! And I wouldn't like it either.

Redshoesandtheblues · 21/06/2019 14:51

I think we all want to know what he did with the purse!!

And who leaves their purse in their car on a regular basis? Hmm

x2boys · 21/06/2019 14:56

All money is family money in our house ,so if i have some money in my bag and dh needs it ,it's fair game and vice versa I find it more weird that couples don't share finances tbh but there you go.

Yabbers · 21/06/2019 15:09

It's not that he took it that bothers me, its that he went behind my back without mentioning it.

Think of the alternative. He realises he needs it tomorrow and asks you again to go and get it. Any better? Surely that makes him a penny pinching nag?

You could have just gone and got your purse, which shouldn’t be left sitting in the car anyway.

LL83 · 21/06/2019 16:53

I am comfortable with my dh, mum, sister going into my purse or anyone I trust going into my purse if they had a reason to. It's not a big deal to me.

Unless you have told dh you expect him to never go into your purse without prior permission then I think you have to assume he didnt know how you feel.

Calmly tell him "please speak to me before going into my purse job future I am very private about it" and I am sure he will respect that.

FinallyHere · 21/06/2019 17:30

If you really think that there is something dodgy going on, how about offering him the amount you owed and see what he does?

burnoutbabe · 21/06/2019 17:38

i'd find it very dodgy to go to the car, take the money, then come back having left the purse still in the car without mentioning it at all.

come back with the purse and say you took your change whilst doing so - fine

Original poster
Caffeto · 21/06/2019 18:59

I dont think I've been clear enough in my first post. We agreed when we decided on takeaway to go halfers, when I came home I said I hadnt lifted my purse from the car but that I would make sure I gave him money after we'd eaten or in the morning before we left for work. He didn't urgently need it for anything and neither he nor I mentioned it again.

There's no quibble over the amount or anything, and we do treat each other when we are able but having the spare change handy is better than lifting more from the bank when its not necessary.

For those who thinks it makes a difference, he left my purse in the car and there was still money left in it after he took his out.

OP posts:
Zbag · 21/06/2019 19:10

Non issue for me. I take the odd note/coin out of dh wallet sometimes, and often forget to mention it. You said he could have it, so he took it. Im confused why you'd be annoyed by it but I guess it depends on your relationship

Zbag · 21/06/2019 19:11

Redshoesandtheblues I do

fedup21 · 21/06/2019 19:19

That wouldn’t bother me at all.

newmomof1 · 21/06/2019 19:26

I don't understand why you're so bothered that he went into your car or your purse OP.
Is there a reason this bothers you so much?

Why should he have to ask permission to go to your car?

NaturalBornWoman · 21/06/2019 19:28

All money is family money in our house ,so if i have some money in my bag and dh needs it ,it's fair game and vice versa I find it more weird that couples don't share finances tbh but there you go.

Family money or not, you aren't his cash point. What if you need it? I wouldn't have cash in my bag unless it was required for a specific purpose, but there you go.

newmomof1 · 21/06/2019 19:29

@NaturalBornWoman yes but it's HIS money. She already said she would give it him back.

Upfeet · 21/06/2019 19:36

I think it's fine. If I wanted cash for something and didn't have it I would take it out of DH's wallet and he would do the same with my purse. I wouldn't bother mentioning it unless it was leaving him with hardly any cash so he would know he needed to get more. If you have just started seeing him or its still very casual then that's another matter but if we are talking about a partner whom you live with then he probably just didn't know you didn't like him in your purse. He didn't steal it. It was his money and you had said it was in your purse in the car which sort of sounds like that's where he should go to get it. I don't think it is anything to be worrying about.

honeygirlz · 21/06/2019 19:59

YANBU. In OP's current financial set up, it was an underhand thing for him to do.

All he had to do was ASK her if he could get the money himself and OP would have said yes.

OP, I would file this event away for future reference. And I wouldn't be trusting him with large amounts of money, so don't lend him money unless you're prepared to lose it.

Gth1234 · 21/06/2019 20:04

I wouldn't dive in my wife's handbag. Even when she tells me I can, I don't. Same as @newcrossboy just said.

Hopefully it's not really annoying - It's more demonstrating an appropriate level of trust, I think.

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2019 20:23

This would be a non-issue for me since he only took what was owed to him. I do think it's really weird that you leave your purse in the car on a regular basis. What if your car is stolen or broken into? Is bringing your purse inside such a hardship? Are you seriously saying that you bought so much takeaway that two people couldn't carry the takeaway and your purse? Sounds a weird way to live but I guess it takes all sorts.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 20:41

Stuff is pretty communal on our house, occasionally there'll be a moan if one of us had got cash out specifically for some thing & the other used it without saying anything. But then we are a) not hard up and b) generally have a very laid back relationship c) are relaxed about shared finances.

YABU if this wouldn't be the norm in your relationship

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 20:42

I mean YANBU!!

Ellisandra · 21/06/2019 21:18

I would find it weird not to tell you.
I also would ever want my husband going into my bag without telling me he was going to. Nothing to hide, but feels instrusive. He wouldn’t care the other way round though.
If it was my husband, I’d just ask him why he didn’t tell me. And let him know if I didn’t like it - not in a row, just to say not again please.

Had you gone to bed when he did it? I don’t get how he left the flat without you knowing? Did he think “oh I’ll just grab that before I come to bed” and you were asleep when he came in and then forgot to mention it in the morning?

Just talk to him.

FancyAPint · 21/06/2019 21:38

I think you should ask him and then feed back to us Grin

Original poster
Caffeto · 21/06/2019 23:45

I wasn't asleep, I was sitting next to him on the couch.

He got up and I assumed he was going to the loo, then I heard him on the stairs and assumed he was locking the front door. He was really quiet about it and never said a word.

I shall ask him in the morning.

OP posts:
omione · 21/06/2019 23:55

What a strange relationship. We dont have his and hers money, we have our money and if either of us needs money we will take out of each others purse or wallet