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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at friend charging us to visit?

356 replies

snoozy2straws · 21/06/2019 00:35

Old friend and Godmother to my DD, we arranged in Jan to visit her and her hubby who live in Southern Italy with our 2 DCs. We are staying for 5 nights. We spoke today to make final arrangements and she has asked us to pay her £800 plus food for the stay. I’m shocked and deeply upset as it seems so callous and commercial, not the visit to friends we had expected, besides which we really cant afford it. I would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food but this seems a lot. I feel like not going but what would I tell DD she is so excited. We are staying in their house so not even an annex or separate apartment! I should have got this clear at the outset but I did not expect this 5 days before we go!
What would you do? AIBU? Is this a fair deal for a summer holiday in the sun with the use of a pool but in their house with them?

OP posts:
myusernamewastakenbyme · 21/06/2019 08:31

Even after op's update i dont think i could stay there...id feel like the friendship has soured.

SammySamSam09 · 21/06/2019 08:32

Why do people say things like "we must catch up" or "you must come and visit" if they don't mean it?
I mean it when I say it. I'm now doubting everyone who has ever said it to me Confused

NauseousMum · 21/06/2019 08:33

She is being unreasonable and saw you both coming. If she wanted to put you off as she genuinely didn't want you there then
A) she shouldn't have invited
B) she had months of you both chatting and making plans to say 'sorry but I'm going to have to cancel
C) should have said yes when you offered alternate accommodation (if you are the OP with name change fail)
D) shouldn't spring it on you last minute

She's not that invested in seeing you to do this, she thinks she has you both over a barrel and you'll have to pay.

Personally i would cancel and arrange a holiday.

Jenasaurus · 21/06/2019 08:35

It’s sad. She is your DDs godmother so you must have had a special relationship with her at some point. I just can’t imagine suggesting a visit to a friend and then charging them when they accept

NauseousMum · 21/06/2019 08:37

Just seen second updste, what was her reasoning? I'd be pretty wary of friends who fo this...

Nearlyalmost50 · 21/06/2019 08:38

Glad it has been sorted out OP.

One thing that always mystifies me on these threads is that it's seen as cheeky to go and visit people who have moved abroad- yet on the overseas pages, there are heaps of people who feel lonely and abandoned by old friends who don't make the effort. Usually staying with another family is a slight compromise on everyone's part, and people have to take time off work and perhaps forgo another holiday to visit. I don't see it as cheeky at all unless it's people who are not your friends turning up to stay in a separate apartment or something. Otherwise, it's all about being a good host and being a good guest- which includes thinking through that it might cost water/elect/gas/food to stay and offering something, and the host being as welcoming and generous as they can afford to be.

escapade1234 · 21/06/2019 08:42

Oh well, that all worked out well OP. Fuss over nothing it seems. Why did you name change half way through your thread?

And aren’t you going to give us overinvested Mumsnetters any details of what was said?

Original poster
snoozy2straws · 21/06/2019 08:57

Sorry I didn’t mean to name change I had flipped onto my phone and didn’t realise it was an old one. I have thanked MN for their support and appreciate the input. Xx

OP posts:
Yabbers · 21/06/2019 09:00

I disagree. I'd take that as come and stay with us, from a someone I know well enough to be a godmother to my child.

I think so too. I have a friend who lives overseas who has extended this invite often and the reason we haven’t done it is I know she wants me to stay at hers and I don’t want to. Feels rude to book an hotel.

BlueSkiesLies · 21/06/2019 09:05

And aren’t you going to give us overinvested Mumsnetters any details of what was said?

The only way it can have been such an easy and quick resolution is if the God Mother said "wow how silly, I meant £80 not £800"

CrispbuttyNo1 · 21/06/2019 09:08

I still wouldn't feel comfortable staying there now to be honest.

QueSera · 21/06/2019 09:12

I've never heard of friends charging anyone to visit.
My friend, her DH and their 3 DC stayed with us for over a week last year. Charging them a penny would not have ever occurred to us. We were their hosts and were thrilled that they had spent the money and holiday time to visit us.

Sadly your 'friend' doesn't seem like a real friend OP. Sorry OP, people have an unlimited capacity to disappoint, unfortunately. I would cancel the trip.

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 09:13

Still intrigued as to why she asked for £800 in the first place. What did you compromise on and do you really think she should be charging you at all?

BonnieBelleStarr · 21/06/2019 09:18

It sounds like a person you lost touch with is trying to make some money off you op. Personally I wouldn't go. I would expect to provide my own food, entertainment etc but not pay £800 for accommodation

Topsecretidentity · 21/06/2019 09:21

I still wouldn't stay OP. She made herself clear in charging such a ridiculous sum and has seemingly backtracked on the phone. But I would still expect awkwardness as no one charges that amount unless they are sending a message.

In future though, OP, unless it's close family you might want to avoid inviting yourself/ accepting to stay at someone's house for anything longer than 2 nights...3 at a push. I'm super chilled but that saying is true that guests are like fish... after 3 days they start to stink. Anytime our friends have invited us to a tourist destination, we stay a couple nights at theirs and the remaining nights elsewhere. It's the best of both worlds really and you will appreciate the separation too.

TigerJoy · 21/06/2019 09:26

I have been intrigued that people are offering to find nice places to stay for others. Would I be a CF to ask the hivemind for help? If so, where would I post?

diddl · 21/06/2019 09:30

Well perhaps Op knows the size of the place & whether or not they could all even fit in.

£800 plus food though!

I'd be expecting to pay for own food plus maybe leave £150/£200 for water/electricity/use of beds.

SlothMama · 21/06/2019 09:36

That's ridiculous and that's not even including food! You could stay in a hotel for cheaper than that, and suddenly announcing it 5 days before the trip is even ruder.

ittakes2 · 21/06/2019 09:38

Its completely shocking as you were obviously close enough to ask her to be DD's godmother. I holidayed in southern Italy last year for 2 weeks - I think that is very expensive for £5 days - £800 PLUS food. Charge the food if she must but charging a good friend for accomodation in your home is ridiculous. I get your daughter is excited but if your 'friend' is charging you for accomodation what money is she going to ask for food? I'm sorry but I would feel so awkward about this that I would cancel.

FilledSoda · 21/06/2019 10:03

I think a pp has it. It was intended as a ' visit for lunch if you're in Italy ' type thing.
Unless there has been a conversation to the contrary.
It's a pity your old friend couldn't be honest but it it's a hard thing to say. She's gone for the totally passive aggressive route of making it look like your decision to cancel.
Don't reply saying you can't afford it , she isn't going to suggest a discount or a payment plan.
I bet she's been thinking about this for ages and now that it's so close she's done this as a last resort to put you off.
Regardless you're obviously not invited now.
I'd reply saying ' On reflection 5 nights is quite an imposition and we have decided to make alternative arrangements '.
I don't know how your friendship will be after all this however

SerenDippitty · 21/06/2019 10:06

Not RTFT, but I agree with pp who are saying there have been crossed wires. I suspect she never meant for you to actually come and stay with her for 5 days, but to book a holiday nearby and meet up. She may have felt taken advantage of and been simmering ever since, and only just screwed herself up to ask for money. I would try to book somewhere nearby to stay and tell her you’d feel more comfortable doing that - lots of people do anyway.

sansou · 21/06/2019 10:23

Another one who would take the strong hint to stay elsewhere. It's obvious that they don't want to host you! Unless it was clear at the start, I still wouldn't want to pay £400 let alone £800. I'd rather pay more than £800 and stay elsewhere!

S1naidSucks · 21/06/2019 10:27

I have been intrigued that people are offering to find nice places to stay for others. Would I be a CF to ask the hivemind for help? If so, where would I post?

You could start a chat thread or do what 90% of Mumsnetters do and start an “AIBU to ask where....” Grin

Pinkmouse6 · 21/06/2019 10:29

Glad you reached a conclusion but it would make me question the friendship. I would never ask my friends for a contribution if I’d invited them to stay, only towards food and drink but never to stay in my home! She has been incredibly cheeky.

starray · 21/06/2019 10:43

She does not think of you as family, even if you might think of her that way. I wouldn't go. I would rather stay in a ramshackle old hut than stay with this woman. I'm sure you could find alternative accommodation for 800 pounds or even half that !