Put own dinner on plate?

[Naughty1205]

Just wondering, if you made dinner and it was ready to plate up in kitchen, but you were juggling a few other things at the same time: if you asked your partner/dh would he mind plating up his own dinner, in case it got cold, as I just wanted to finish x,y, and he said 'I would mind actually, yeah', not joking, he wasn't impressed, (by the way x, y was me trying to finish school lunches for 2 and just put stuff in sink etc) He has no form for this, I'm a sahp and felt terrible. Not sure if I'm leaving out any back story but feel he has totally lost respect for me. Thanks for reading.

Haud you freeze pillows and duvets? What? How on earth do you do this? Do you have a chest freezer? I'm genuinely very impressed by this and you.

Oh and OP he is a complete dick YANBU.

He's a dick.

I've had a conversation with my teenage boys today that putting dishes in the dishwasher without actually rinsing (or soaking) off food or leaving things soaking in the sink is rude, lazy and disrespectful and they'd better up their game as any future partners will not and should not put up with that. You need to up your game OP. Who does he think he is speaking to like that? Certainly isn't viewing you as an equal and that is not okay.

And i do think that in general, a stay at home parent will probably do more than 50% of the general household chores. My DH was a stay at home parent and did this though at all times I was clear that his priority was the DC and I wasn't going to kick off if my dinner wasn't ready when I got home...(though it usually was)

In fact I barely get time to eat. I'm at home with ds who is 3, I really try to keep on top of chores, clothes are washed, dried and put away on same day, I don't get a minute to myself. I'm really beginning to question the relationship.

*In work FT (out of the house from 7am to 6pm) and have 2 children who do numerous sporting activities (11 between them) and also run a business outside of my working hours... we don’t have any help other than after school club.

I still have an empty washing basket and spotless house.

I’m super busy, and between me and dh we manage (barely at times) however we respect and they roles we do in our family/relationships dynamics.

He is being massively UR, not only does he lack respect for you, he also lacks respect in the role you play in your family/relationship dynamics.*

The OP says she's struggling to time manage her children and the chores, you think her DH is being unreasonable so it's not that you're using your amazing work ethic to support his stance that she should dish up because she's the SAHM - so why on earth have you started rattling on about all you get done in a day^^ (let alone the exact number of sports your kids do, just in case anybody was curious)? Is that helpful or constructive to the OP in any way whatsoever? Bizarre and smug post.

Thanks everyone for the replies, plenty of food for thought there. Kids had eaten earlier so this was just for us. Doesn't happen all the time that we eat 2 different meals but they won't eat prawns. I always eat with him so that wasn't the issue.
I just don't have the energy to bring it up again, and get to the root of the issue yesterday. I need to get a job and decide what to do.
Sorry can't remember all the questions, and am also on the app, but have read all comments and will give some serious consideration to them. Thanks again for taking the time to help me out 🌹

Never gave it a second thought to be honest - DH used to dish up most of the time anyway, regardless of who had cooked. DS now has taken that mantle and we do it between us; if I'm busy doing something else DS dishes up for both of us then puts mine in the oven to keep warm. I can't fathom why anyone would stand back idly and expect you to do ten things at once.

He's a twat.

Next time this sort f situation arises, don't ask him if he minds serving himself, tell him dinner's ready, help yourself.

If DP said that I would be stunned because it would be so out of character. Everyone , including my sons muck in and help.
Your DH is rude, and disrespectful and a fuck stick.

You don't have the energy because you know he'll make it into a big deal.

Most people when being pulled up for a bit of thoughtlessness this is a bit more than that but let's give him the benefit of the doubt would be instantly apologetic. I think you know he'll kick off. You are already walking on eggshells around him.

What other "situations" are you avoiding so that you don't rock the boat and upset him?

He comes in the door and sits on couch, on phone. I've asked him numerous times, with ds clinging to my leg, if he could just entertain ds for a few minutes while I get dinner ready.

So he does have form. He's a lazy cock who doesn't value you and thinks you're his maid. I wouldn't just walk out, I'd divorce the prick.

He sounds like a real catch. Sorry OP but you need to sort this out - his attitude to you stinks.

Missing the point here but I'm not really understanding his problem - we always plate up our own food in my house. I make it and then call everyone to come and help themselves. It doesn't matter if it's Sunday roast or hotpot - self serve is the way to go. Plus because I make it I get first dibs.

This sounds bad OP I have a pretty crappy one in many respects but if he comes home while I’m in the middle of cooking he always offers to help mash the potatoes/gets the drinks out etc. this man has a severe lack of respect for you.

I wonder if he’s relishing you being a “lowly servant housewife” considering you used to vastly outearn him (insecure men hate that) so now he feels like billy big balls with all the power?

It’s worrying that you say you haven’t the energy to bring this up with him. If I were you and had your earning potential I would get my bum back to work ASAP and regain your power so you can put that bastard back in his box 📦

Your DH is an arse. He is treating you like a skivvy.

I'd be saying, 'well, you're clearly not very hungry then'. . . continuing with what I was doing, then plating and eating mine. He could do what he liked

This response from a pp is very likely the type of response I would have given. We all dive in and serve ourselves in this house. If my DH decided he wanted to wait until someone served him his food he would be waiting a very long time, and would almost certainly get no food. Fortunately, he does have rather more common sense than that.

Stop serving up his food. All you need say is "dinner's ready". He can help himself if he is hungry. You just see to yourself.

I would find his behaviour a huge turn-off.

Wow lord twat of the manor! Certainly not a team player, I'd say ok you do my jobs whilst I plate your dinner up if that's not ok tough tit you go hungry. My poor dh knows better

I don’t understand why she didn’t just plate his food too. All the fussing around making lunches and whatever could have been done later, by the husband too.

The OP has anxiety. Fussing around trying to do everything and finish everything and feeling bad about asking for help often goes with the territory. And that's a vicious circle, which her (D)H himself seems to be part of. Do you really think he would have been any less huffy about doing sandwiches himself later on? I don't know if his unhelpfulness is the root cause of her anxiety but he's certainly not helping her feel more confident. He was being a tool.

I don’t understand why she didn’t just plate his food too.

Because she was fucking busy and he has two hands.

OP, I just came in to say that I understand why you might not have the energy to confront him over his attitude, however, you already have anxiety and, for your own and your DC help, I would get done counselling / psychotherapy to help you to stop feeling guilty about everything and shift your mindset a bit. I know you’ll brush last night under the carpet now, but please don’t diminish that he did make you feel demeaned, You do matter and you shouldn’t feel as if you’re walking on eggshells. It’s very easy to feel all the guilt for everything as a mum, but he is exploiting this. If you’re in West / central London by any chance, I could put you in touch with an amazing therapist who could help you reassert your boundaries. If cost is an issue for you, maybe see your GP and I think you can be referred for at least 6 free counselling sessions. Leave the baby with him while you go and don’t ask him, tell him.
As your DC get older, they will absorb this dynamic. Can I ask what you’re scared of now? If you confronted him, what would he do?

Once I cooked a big dinner for my dh and his parents and I was completely exhausted with a migraine. Asked him to dish up and he told me harshly to get off my arse and do it. So I did, without a word. Still wish I’d walked out.

This happens so often when women give up work to look after their children. The partner is supportive, even encouraging, at first, but they start to see themselves as more valuable to the relationship because they are bringing home the bacon

Financial dependence makes you weak in a relationship and when they start to treat you like a servant you feel that you should just take it.

My advice would be to never forget this. It speaks to how he sees both your roles in the marriage.

Go out and get a job. And when you do, make sure that you set up your own private bank account and start salting money away, because there may well come a day when you need it.

Like fuck would I be playing his dinner up again.

Ever.
It would now become his chore forevermore.

OP,

He's a twat.
Certainly no prize.
Have a good hard think.
You need to protect yourself.

Good luck.

WaxOnFeckOff your post has inspired me to go further than keep asking the kids to put their own stuff in the dishwasher and from now on will only load my pots. On the rare time they have loaded it it hasn't been great but that just means they need more practice. I point out they know what it looks like when they empty it so just work backwards.

YABVU to use the phrase 'plate up' unless you live in a professional kitchen, In your own home it's just wanky.

Your DH was being VU with what he said.

However you say this is a one-off and very unlike him so you are being U in starting a thread about it.

My ExH used to just sit there at the table waiting for the food to be placed in front of him. Note the "ex". Even on the very rare occasions that he had prepared a meal (heated some crap up more like) he would then sit down and wait for it to be served to him!