Overheard 'D'H calling me fat!

[Specnu]

Overheard him on the phone to his sister talking about his diet and telling her that he really needed to make me see I should be dieting too. He generally complained that I don't look like I did in my twenties.

I do have a bmi of 26, and could make some changes - I was thinking makkng time for more exercise and not depriving myself though.

Im supportive of the changes he wants to make and wouldnt make him feel bad about putting on a bit of weight. Aibu to be annoyed and not want to speak to him? He doesn't know I heard him.

Did he really complain you didn’t look like you did in your 20s or are you feeling scared that’s what he was saying? I suspect he didn’t.

I don’t see the big deal, it was a private conversation, he wasn’t being mean, just saying you could both do with losing some weight together. I get that you’re hurt but it’s just unfortunate you overheard. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s okay to admit to a close relation that you and a loved one need to lose some weight.

I am way bigger than you (BMI of 40 at booking in if anyone wants to make comments) and me and DH have discussed this in a helpful way. I want to be healthy for the baby I am carrying and he's a chef so he's helped me come up with ways to be healthier while I also make sure I get to eat things that I like, (contrary to popular belief fat people don't just like doughnuts).
However if he'd gone to his family behind my back and discussed this before speaking to me I would have been livid.
Also your BMI is nearly overweight, BMI doesn't take into account body shape or muscle mass, rugby players come up obese!

My BMI is 46! And my husband would never dream of calling me fat! (Even though I am) That's very mean!

But that is very overweight. You're endangering your life, heartofglass. And you still think it's rude for your oh to call you fat?

TBH a BMI of 26 is about 20% overweight. It's not about how you look, it's about increased risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, stroke and some cancers.

We generally delude ourselves about how overweight we really are and vanity sizing doesn't help. I've gone from a 14 to an 8-10 in the last 25 years without losing a single pound in weight

Did he refer to you as fat or did he tell her that he needed to make you see you should be dieting too? Imo, it is not the same and also, it would depend on his tone.

The fact that he is dieting as well means that he is not happy with his weight either. If he was complaining only about your weight, I would find that more annoying and rude, but if he is trying to encourage you so you can do it together it is not the same and can actually be good for you both.

Heartofglass knows she's fat and yet people still can't resist commenting on it.

I think the BMI thing is a red herring here - I very much doubt OP's husband's opinion was formed purely on his suddenly finding out her BMI is slightly over the "healthy" range! Either way, surely the thread's about the DH's behaviour in bitching about it behind her back rather than about the OP's weight.

Truth hurts, doesn't it? If being fat doesn't bother you, then fine.

@Sicario Well aren’t you a charmer. A BMI of 26 does not make someone fat. Better to be overweight than a rude fucker with no empathy.

@Specnu I think you have to tell him you overheard. Otherwise it will fester.

BMI doesn't reflect how healthy you are as a person. If you want to check on your health you need to check all sorts including cholesterol, BP, etc.

I'd definitely tell him I overheard, and I don't appreciate him gossiping about me to his sister. (What the hell else does he (over)share with her?!)

How would he feel if he overheard you discussing his bad BO or skiddy undies with your brother?

There's something that we learned very early on in our relationship - it was detrimental to our relationship to badmouth or share what the other could think was private and personal information with the extended family. It was not conducive to positive family dynamics in the long run.

BMI of 26?!

I hope he's George fucking Clooney, the cheeky bastard!

Regardless of OP's body type and BMI, the decision to lose weight is hers and hers alone. Her husband had NO right discussing something so sensitive and personal with his sister, regardless of whether it was about health or any other way. He simply had no right. It wasn't his issue to discuss. I'm sorry this happened. I would be very upset if I were you. Talk to him about it.

BMI 26 is irrelevant until we know body shape/size of eg chest etc. I'd suggest that it's pretty damn good, tbh.

Point is, DH should not be discussing you in unflattering terms with anyone. That would really upset me.

My DH took me on a 'stroll round the woods' this week which totally horrified me due to the state I was in afterwards. It has completely horrified me and made me massively change what I'm eating.

BMI 26 is irrelevant until we know body shape/size of eg chest etc

No it's not. The BMI range already takes this into account.

The 26 is not fat . Honestly some pp need to read up. It's in the healthy range. I'd be hurt too. Whether you want to do anything about it is entirely up to you. Don't be built tripped into it.

Guilt.

YANBU. It’s not his place to ‘tell you you need to loose weight’ or that ‘you are unhealthy’ as some posters say.
You are a grown woman able to decide what to do about your weight. He doesn’t have anything to say in the matter.

He chose to make some changes. That’s great and you ought to support him.
He doesn’t get to be judgemental about your weight and whether you want or not to make the same changes he is doing.

I’m sure that if you had pressuring to loose weight before he had taken that decision, he wouldn’t have taken it lightly and wouodnt have appreciated it.

26 is not in the healthy range, it's amber - overweight.

Wow I thought I'd misread 36 at first with some of the comments here! 26 is hardly fat, it's slightly overweight. Some people are such dicks it's unreal.

But I agree H was rude, shouldn't be gossiping with his sister and it's OP's decision whether to lose weight.

My target BMI is 27 dammit! Yes you should not be complacent but he should not be so damn bitchy. It's so disloyal. I wonder what his is?

A BMI of 26 is not healthy. It’s overweight. Only a BMI in the middle of the normal zone (20-24) can be considered healthy.

If he didn't actually call you fat then YABU. It sounds from the original post that he is concerned about your weight and wants you to be healthy to live a long and happy life!

MIL needs to seriously lose weight, she knows it and SIL and DH knows it, they regularly discuss it in front of MIL and behind her back (not in a nasty way, just discussing how she's been eating/if she's still on track) and she wouldn't be bothered if she knew because she is aware her weight is a problem, if she wasn't aware her weight was a big problem she'd probably be offended

In my opinion it sounds like he was just being concerned, however he should be saying that to you not his sister, I'd be annoyed that he mentioned it to his sister rather than the actually comments so I'm on the fence

The difference between BMI 25 and BMI 26 is 5lbs.

You can vary that much over a month with water retention. Sometimes over a day - there are times when I have weighed very nearly 5lbs less in the morning than the previous evening because I have gone for 8 - 10 hours without a drink and then used the toilet in the morning.

I am no fatter or thinner just more dehydrated and with some waste product removed.

Moany of us could do with being more active and keeping an eye on our diet and alcohol in my case but a 5lb outside the 'healthy' range does not make you fat or give him an excuse to call you so.

Yes Ken. I'm aware of my weight thanks.

I would wonder why he hasn't spoke to me but bitched to his sister about me.