Overheard 'D'H calling me fat!

[Specnu]

Overheard him on the phone to his sister talking about his diet and telling her that he really needed to make me see I should be dieting too. He generally complained that I don't look like I did in my twenties.

I do have a bmi of 26, and could make some changes - I was thinking makkng time for more exercise and not depriving myself though.

Im supportive of the changes he wants to make and wouldnt make him feel bad about putting on a bit of weight. Aibu to be annoyed and not want to speak to him? He doesn't know I heard him.

BMI is a load of rubbish

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Pretend you didnt hear him, and join up with the gym. You can lose a few kg fairly easily if you want to by cutting out snacking and exercising more.

If you actually feel fine the way you are, then ignore it too. Its only a bit overweight.

I think what he talks to his sister about in private is none of your business

I think you really need to know why he's said that. Have you both been talking about dieting, and you're having problems trying to get focussed. It may be he wants you to loose weight to reduce the chance of early health issues, my friend's OH was more than happy with who she was, but was worried she was overweight and strugglng to exercise, so encouraged her to loose some weight. She has and admits she feels much better for it. She works fulltime and now still has the energy for an exercise class, walking regularly up a very steepndarby hill and cycling.

Some of the responses on here are dreadful. The pp who said “truth hurts” - you sounds utterly dreadful. Perhaps reflect on why you feel the need to treat others in this way?

OP, your body means your choices. He doesn’t get to make comments about it to others, and you have every right to be upset. The issue here isn’t your weight or BMI (a notoriously bad measure), it’s your husband disrespecting you to his sister. Please tell him what you heard, tell him why it’s not appropriate, explain that you don’t look like you’re in your 20s because you’re not in your 20s, and that you expect him to rapidly update his ideas on how he speaks on you. He needs to apologize, and show you how damn beautiful you are. What an idiot!

Crickey- my BMI is 24 and I consider myself pretty slim. I'm a size 8.

Have you told him you heard?

Just checked- it's 23.

But I still maintain that you're not far off!

When what he is talking about to his sister, is gossiping about you behind your back, then yes, it is your business.

26 is barely overweight (although I hate bmi, I have short limbs and although am not slim I come up obese for my height which I don't consider myself to be). I'd be annoyed too! DH has always been fatter than me though so he wouldn't ever say anything because he knows he'd be a hypocrite.

I wouldn't call somebody 6lbs off the healthy weight range as fat.

YANBU. Your BMI is just 1 point outside the healthy weight range. A few changes (if YOU want to make them) will soon get you below 25. Exercising more & a bit of cutting down is a great idea that you had already thought of by yourself. I'm wondering how old you are? If you're over 35 then complaining you don't look like you did in your 20s is just ridiculous. Same if you have children. Has he just started a diet & become a bore about it? It almost definitely won't last. I wouldn't admit I'd heard him, I'd quietly get on & do my own thing. That'll show him...& his dsis.

Don't tell him just now that you heard.

It's not a pleasant thing to hear. It might erode trust a little to know he talks about you like that, but keep your self esteem and don't discuss it.

If you truly feel you need to lose weight, try and do so slowly.

As for not being the same as when you were 20 or whatever, he's not, and few if any of us are.

Those saying well your BMI is 26 so he's right are way off the mark and just being rude for the sake of it. Like PP's have said it's just above healthy and less than half a stone over. I have a BMI of 28 and am a size 12/14. Yes I am overweight and yes I am trying to do something about it but my other half spends a lot of time telling me I am not fat!
I would let him know you heard him and how rude it is. If you have a plan anyway to get healthier by getting more active then go for it and if you're happy then equally stay as you are.
People who decide to go on a health kick then judge everyone else really p*ss me off.

If OP now feels less confident due to what he said that lack of confidence is likely to show itself in the bedroom thus affecting HIS sex life.

You reap what you sow!

DesparateDino I don't see any fat haters, just people being honest in saying that a BMI of 26 is overweight and some small changes to diet would help.

JQBased BMI is not a load of rubbish. For the vast majority of people it gives a good indicator of whether you are a healthy weight. It is very easy to calculate. The fact BMI has such a huge range allows for different frames and activity levels etc.
The OP is a little bit overweight, and it would be good to do something about it. I very much doubt she is one of the outliers (World class marathon runner or gymnast or a New Zealand Prop.

OP could have tits the size of small children for all we know, folks which could stay the same size/weight no matter how much weight she lost. Her BMI is irrelevant tbh. It is for most women. You need bf%.

Well he sounds like a treat.

Has he discussed this all with you previously in one way or another, or were you totally unaware?
I wouldn’t be pretending it didn’t happen, as that will just cause you to stew, I’d ask him outright why he felt it was appropriate to put you down on the phone to his family.
BMI ISN’T a wonderful marker for weight, and as seen in a thread the other day about bridesmaid dresses, not indicative of how ‘large’ you look.

Xmr OP says she could make some changes w/o depriving herself.
Please can you point me to references which state BMI is irrelevant for most women?

I think anyone is unreasonable to stop speaking to someone else without telling them why, particularly if they're in a relationship. Just do the mature thing and tell him that you heard and that you're upset.

At a BMI of 26, I at 5 ft 7 weighed nearly 12 stones and was a size 16. I was lifting weights sure, so I didn’t have a gut, and due to my PCOS and thyroid issues my GP was warily accepting of my BMI provided I maintained it but that didn’t change that I was most definitely fat. Most women aren’t athletes and even if they lift and climb like I do a BMI of 26 is still unhealthy.

What were his exact words?

It was unfair of him to use such an emotionally charged word as 'fat', would 'overweight' have felt less of a sting?

I would talk to him and say you overhaerd the conversation, you are upset that he discussed your weight behind your back and called you fat. That you are trying to make changes but that's not supportive.

Then try to turn this into a positive, if he is concerned about your weight, then how will he help you? Make sure you get time away from the DCs ringfenced for exercise? Not eating foods you are cutting out in front of you?

Talk to him about it.

Quite a personal comment to make, id be upset then angry. I would mention it though.

his diet and telling her that he really needed to make me see I should be dieting to
sounds to me he can’t be arsed to diet and wants you to take the lead and do the hard work.

I would have no problem if my DH discussed my weight with me but a massive one if he talked to someone else about it. It’s disloyal. YANBU