To not want to spend £700 on a hen do (I am a bridesmaid)

[Napqueen1234]

I know on mumsnet spending over £20 on a hen do and £2K on a wedding is often considered very excessive! But I think this takes the cake!

Background I am bridesmaid to a v close friend in Nov. Hen do organised abroad at her request for September. The costs are SPIRALLING. Flight and accommodation came to £300- that was fine because we were staying in a gorgeous villa and I thought we would save money going out by spending time in there.

But the other bridesmaids are organising activities totalling £100+ a day before spends (going thurs/sun or mon depending on when people are back in work). I am the only one with a child (and another on the way) so money is obviously a LOT tighter for me. I keep asking if we can swap X activity for X and either don't hear back or get told 'people wont mind spending the money'. Theres 13 people going.

What can I do? I have committed to it and I don't want to let me friend down- she would be mortified if she knew how much it cost I think (she organised my hen earlier this year which came to £250pp for EVERYTHING- still a lot to some I appreciate but I would be more than happy to pay similar for a close friends hen- we didn't go abroad at my request.

I find confrontation hard and to be honest embarrassing to admit I just cant afford it although I HAVE said that directly. Sorry for long post thanks for advice!

I wouldn't be going and I would explain why to your friend now so she is aware of how much it is all costing. That's bloody ridiculous money and you haven't even factored in food and drinks yet!

You also won't be the only one thinking it's too much either

Just put I cannot afford that in the group chat ; pick the activities you do want to do and let them get on with it - you are there for your friend but you do not have to do every activity.

Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford XYZ and you’ll be happy to stay back at the villa.

@Gamble66 stupidly I didn't even think of that. I will be 6/7 months pregnant so good excuse to not join in for boat trip/drinking activities anyway. We haven't yet sent details of the plans to the larger group to see if people are up for it- I might comment in the joint whataspp 'If that sounds a bit much let us know as we can always pick and choose a couple of activites and factor in some chill time by the pool/beach'

Just state, I'm not going to do x, y and z but I'll join in with w on Thursday. I'm just going to chill out in the apartment as it's all getting a bit expensive and with the baby due I need to keep costs down however
I'm bring a good book so you all go for it, I'll enjoy the peace and sun xx

Don't discuss, state, end of.

Lol 6/7 months pregnant means you do not pay any share of alcohol plus it's the perfect op out x hope it goes well . Just remember a bit of assertiveness NOW will save lots of stress later x

"people wont mind spending the money"

Just reply saying I MIND! Say you can't afford it and won't be doing X or Y.

I'd definitely tell the bride. Does she really need other friends complaining behind her back about how entitled she is to want such an extravagant hen party? That's what will happen if the other bridesmaids don't reign it in. When going abroad there is no need to organise bloody activities that will add ridiculous amounts to the cost. People should be happy to chill by the pool, eat out or at the villa, let those who drink pay for their own. Best to say something now before the group is asked for more money. If they do persist then I'd definitely tell them that you are not interested in any of the activities and will be happy to stay at the villa relaxing. Bet you won't be the only one either.

Oh my goodness, what a dilemma you have! I wonder if any of the other people in the hen party are secretly feeling the same as you? Are you able to agree to a final budget that you are comfortable to pay or abstain from some of the activities to enable you to attend but keep your costs down?

Costs will spiral more as more women drop out between now and November. Get in there 1st and bail out now.

Put your foot down. Say on group chat that these activities are over budget and you will chill at villa.

You could use preggo excuse but why bother to lie? Other hens may thank you for speaking up and they won’t have the same excuse.

I would be okay with one £100+ activity on a trip but not every day, it’s too much!

Definitely tell the bride (diplomatically), I would have wanted to know!

Just be the one that holds the bags. Pregnancy is a perfect get out of jail free card! Tiredness, can't do high risk things and just plain old money!! If they are doing a kitty for drinks say categorically you are not taking part as you can't drink but buy a couple of bottles of Prosecco or whatever for the villa as a goodwill

I agree with you that if you are in a villa you would expect to be staying there- I’d want to be making full use of my time there!

I’d suggest one big activity, like getting a chef into the villa or going on a boat ride, and not take part in anything else. You don’t even have to mention money, say you don’t know how you’ll be with the pregnancy in terms of fatigue- it’s the perfect excuse.

When my friends hired a mansion in this country for my hen they cooked a BBQ and we played games - it was really lovely.

I would definitely say “sorry I’m on a budget so I won’t be doing XYZ trips / activities but the villa looks lush so I’m happy to chill there whilst others go out”
I guarantee there will be other hens who will say the same thing and thank you for it.
Your friend will most likely be mortified to find out people are being pressured into spending this type of money, unless they are all super well off, £1000 is a LOT of money for a long wkend and I can assure you that there will be moaning and bitching behind her back if someone doesn’t take a bit of control over it.
You need to speak up and simply say you’re not doing certain things and leave it at that. They can hardly argue with a pregnant woman over a booze cruise!

There is no way I would spend that much on a hen do and if I was invited I wouldn’t be coming because of the cost- it’s more than I’d spend on my annual holiday! I’m sure it will be the same for the other people invited. Definitely say something to the others.

Definitely say now that you won’t be doing XYZ due to funds/upduffed but looking forward to the events you can do from their list.

I wouldn't go. You have a child and you will be 6+ months pregnant.
It's too expensive and you probably won't enjoy it that much.

In my experience, going abroad IS the activity. If you’re going somewhere sunny I would avoid booking any activities. I don’t mind going abroad for a hen do and absolutely hate it when we then have to be “doing something” for the entire time. Let people chill! It’s a holiday!

None of this tells you want to do of course...

The problem with opting out of some activities is that you may still be expected to pick up a share.

I don't think I'd even want to go. You're not going to be able to join in their plans, and are going to be the only sober one there. Four days of screaming hens fuelled by alcohol? No thanks.

I'd stop home!

Agree with others, just avoid the activities and enjoy the villa/pool/beach. Then it'll be more like £400 total. Still excessive but less so!

Do you know any other hens well? Someone you can sound out to see what they think? You may not be the only one not wanting to spend all this money. And as you're pregnant - DO you want to go ( if you skip the extravagant activities?) if you do then fine, but let them know you're opting out of some stuff and will chill at villa. If you don't then tell bride that you think it'll be a bit much with the pregnancy etc. but you're looking forward to her wedding with bells on...

YANBU, that's outrageous.

However, I want to say that having a child and another on the way doesn't mean that money is 'obviously' tighter for you than for people without kids. DP and I don't have them and are still strapped.