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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend £700 on a hen do (I am a bridesmaid)

101 replies

Napqueen1234 · 20/06/2019 09:43

I know on mumsnet spending over £20 on a hen do and £2K on a wedding is often considered very excessive! But I think this takes the cake!

Background I am bridesmaid to a v close friend in Nov. Hen do organised abroad at her request for September. The costs are SPIRALLING. Flight and accommodation came to £300- that was fine because we were staying in a gorgeous villa and I thought we would save money going out by spending time in there.

But the other bridesmaids are organising activities totalling £100+ a day before spends (going thurs/sun or mon depending on when people are back in work). I am the only one with a child (and another on the way) so money is obviously a LOT tighter for me. I keep asking if we can swap X activity for X and either don't hear back or get told 'people wont mind spending the money'. Theres 13 people going.

What can I do? I have committed to it and I don't want to let me friend down- she would be mortified if she knew how much it cost I think (she organised my hen earlier this year which came to £250pp for EVERYTHING- still a lot to some I appreciate but I would be more than happy to pay similar for a close friends hen- we didn't go abroad at my request.

I find confrontation hard and to be honest embarrassing to admit I just cant afford it although I HAVE said that directly. Sorry for long post thanks for advice!

OP posts:

Kyogre · 20/06/2019 11:05

*response

Rezie · 20/06/2019 11:06

I thought in the destination hen do one day is the official hen do and other days are just a holiday with friends.

If nobody else knows the plans or price it's a good chance that they won't be happy either. Fist thing should be asking the budget of the attendees. If they've agreed to the £300, now you should ask what they are willing to put on top of it.

alldaywatchingdragrace · 20/06/2019 11:07

Definitely agree with picking the activities you want to do/can afford.
I have just planned a hen-do for a friend which I do think had ridiculous costs - I think all in it is about £500 if you did everything. However we have given people lots of options! We've said like, this is what we want to do, the only 'mandatory' stuff is 2 meals out, apart from that we're doing a spa trip and some excursions (we're abroad) which some people have opted not to do. It's shit though, I hated the whole money stuff! I don't have loads of cash, but saved hard to afford it. There was the attitude from some people though of like "well it's only another £50" - which I found challenging, as I know people struggle. I think just be upfront and honest, say, you can't afford XYZ, you're going to just do X. IT's not about the money at the end of the day, it's spending time with your mate.

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2019 11:10

If you tell them now that you dont want to partake in the activities because of your pregnancy, then u have nothing to worry about. Say what you mean and stick to it. Your friend will appreciate you being there.

Lweji · 20/06/2019 11:13

Can't you discuss budget, even if at this point?
There should be a maximum agreed for all those going, and a minimum so that people on a stricter budget can decide upfront to participate or not.

I know, I know, but WTF happened to a night out, or even the day?

RasberryRoyale · 20/06/2019 11:13

Yanbu

700 quid + is a hell of a lot of money for a hen. Especially as you won’t be able to drink. It would be my idea of hell as I really can’t be arsed with drunk people when I’m sober.

NauseousMum · 20/06/2019 11:13

As a bridesmaid too i think you also have a responsibility to tell then others that you are opting out of all the excursions and the spiralling costs are getting ridiculous. The rest won't want to and some may completely drop out, making the villa price rise

eurochick · 20/06/2019 11:14

I bet if you say you can't afford it on the group chat others will say the same.

coshewasaprick · 20/06/2019 11:16

I would just say 'sorry I won't be joining in the activities, and I have a budget for the trip. Please leave me out of these plans. I'll be hanging out at the villa.'

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/06/2019 11:19

Please, just tell them you can't afford it now that costs have spiralled.
If more people didn't mind admitting that they couldn't afford it (or would prefer to spend the money on other things!) maybe these ludicrously OTT hen do's would begin to die the death.

Ditto stag do's.

drquin · 20/06/2019 11:24

I like the "I have a budget in mind for additional spends so I won't be committing to any / all of these. Some won't be practical / possible either as I'll be X pregnant. So I'm happy to host lunch / chat / sunbathing at the villa those times." Line.

I think you need to be brave and stand up on this one - you may well be surprised how many others are thinking the same. No matter how breezily the organising BMs say the activities aren't "mandatory"!

81Byerley · 20/06/2019 11:31

Whatever happened to a meal and a drink out with your friends? When I was married first time round in 1970, hen parties weren't even a thing. it's all ridiculous. Just tell your friend you can't go, because you can't afford it.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/06/2019 11:32

You have my sympathy. I'm missing a hen do this weekend because it started spiraling - one night in one town, a second night in a different town, a fairly expensive all day activity, plus meals out and lots of drinks, plus (for me) flights to Ireland... I could afford it, but I honestly can't justify spending that much on a grueling weekend away. It's as if nobody is willing to say "Stop! This is getting out of hand!".

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 11:32

Have you already paid the £300?

Are you all paying for the hen or is she paying her own flights/hote/activities?

I would be giving her a heads up that things are getting expensive and you might not be able to afford it all. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

She may tell the prganiser to rein things in a bit.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2019 11:33

Be that brave woman. The one who says what most of the others are thinking.

BlueJava · 20/06/2019 11:42

If you are committed to going just play the pregnancy card (don't usually advise this). Just say you've been told to rest up and whilst you're thrilled to be included you'll need to rest up at the villa for a few days. Then take a good book and some get some chilled drinks in!

TigerLilyMasie · 20/06/2019 11:54

I can almost guarantee there'll be at least one person in the group feeling the same and not daring to say anything.

I would NOT spend this much money, I would have to say something.

Fraxion · 20/06/2019 11:54

I find confrontation hard and to be honest embarrassing to admit I just cant afford it

Do not be embarrassed to say you can't afford 700 quid, that is a lot of cash for what is essentially a girl's long weekend away. That's a ludicrous amount to spend on a hen do. I don't have young children and if it was me I'd be saying a flat out no. I'd rather spend the money on something else. That's a nice weekend away with your husband and little one with money left over. Being invited to a hen do is actually my idea of hell anyway, I just don't like them full stop.

Zebraaa · 20/06/2019 11:59

I feel your pain. I was pressured into going to a relatives hen do abroad, with added activities every day, inevitably involving champagne, which cost me nearly a grand in total. Only to discover whilst I was there I wasn’t even invited to the actual ceremony, just the evening do. I no longer speak to my relative, for various other reasons but mainly because this kind of Princess attitude just isn’t my type of person.

Cheeseandwin5 · 20/06/2019 12:01

I agree with others, and to be honest I feel once one person speaks up a lot of people will support and follow your lead.
Just go through the activities you want to do and can afford and say no to the others.
Please don't be pushed into debt by others.

Zebraaa · 20/06/2019 12:01

Just to point out, she was the main organiser of her hen do. So I couldn’t blame it on her friends getting carried away!

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 12:01

Only to discover whilst I was there I wasn’t even invited to the actual ceremony, just the evening do.

oh my god what a cheek after you spending all that on something you probably didn't even want to do

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/06/2019 12:02

Just a simple note saying 'Don't forget I'll be 6 months pregnant by then so obviously I won't be boozing and can't afford to participate in all the activities (even if I physically can) so I will do X and Y and am just happy to chill around the pool the rest of the time.'

£700? Bloody hell, my sister got married for less than that.

Original poster

Napqueen1234 · 20/06/2019 12:07

Sorry @DarlingNikita of course having kids isn’t the only limit. I think the immediate bridesmaids do feel that’s why I’m skint but I agree it’s likely other childless people will find it too much too. And @icedgem85 yes I wouldn’t want to tell the bride to be as it’s not her fault and will cause her additional wedding stress! Thanks for all responses I’m glad it’s not me being unreasonable!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 12:10

I agree it’s likely other childless people will find it too much too.

And to add even if people could afford it maybe they don't want to, like maybe they'd rather spend that money elsewhere. I think it's important OP for the sake of everyone else going that you specifically say that it's expensive and not just find an excuse, other people will agree with you, guaranteed

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