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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend £700 on a hen do (I am a bridesmaid)

101 replies

Napqueen1234 · 20/06/2019 09:43

I know on mumsnet spending over £20 on a hen do and £2K on a wedding is often considered very excessive! But I think this takes the cake!

Background I am bridesmaid to a v close friend in Nov. Hen do organised abroad at her request for September. The costs are SPIRALLING. Flight and accommodation came to £300- that was fine because we were staying in a gorgeous villa and I thought we would save money going out by spending time in there.

But the other bridesmaids are organising activities totalling £100+ a day before spends (going thurs/sun or mon depending on when people are back in work). I am the only one with a child (and another on the way) so money is obviously a LOT tighter for me. I keep asking if we can swap X activity for X and either don't hear back or get told 'people wont mind spending the money'. Theres 13 people going.

What can I do? I have committed to it and I don't want to let me friend down- she would be mortified if she knew how much it cost I think (she organised my hen earlier this year which came to £250pp for EVERYTHING- still a lot to some I appreciate but I would be more than happy to pay similar for a close friends hen- we didn't go abroad at my request.

I find confrontation hard and to be honest embarrassing to admit I just cant afford it although I HAVE said that directly. Sorry for long post thanks for advice!

OP posts:
Hopeygoflightly · 20/06/2019 10:29

I didn't go to BF's hen ( wasn't a bridesmaid tho) as it was in another country and expensive and I didn't know the other hens. She was fine about it.

HJWT · 20/06/2019 10:30

Id just go on the holiday but tell them not to book you on the trips, just say your going to be to pregnant for it and chill by the pool! Only do what you can afford xx

SkydivingKittyCat · 20/06/2019 10:33

We haven't yet sent details of the plans to the larger group to see if people are up for it

So the rest of the hen group who aren't bridesmaids, have no idea how much on top of the original £300 this is going to be costing them? This is not going to go down well...

You absolutely will not be the only one who cannot justify the cost. I think be up front about it because others will find it easier to say "neither can I". You can follow it up with you're happy to stay at the villa and others are welcome to join you if necessary (to be honest, chilling at the villa sounds like the ideal relaxation before baby #2 comes along!)

£700 would pay for a UK holiday for your little family Confused

PregnantSea · 20/06/2019 10:33

I would just be embarrassingly honest on the group messages and say that you physically can't afford it and now you don't know what to do

icedgem85 · 20/06/2019 10:34

Interesting responses! Just say ok, I’ll take part in this but not this and that. You lead and tell the rest of the group about it and ensure they know it’s optional too. No problem having splinter groups doing different things if you’re all out there together. Do NOT tell the bride about any of this as someone advised, why stress her out? And as for not going, that just seems silly since you were previously keen. Just be very clear. Don’t say you’re not sure or you’ll think about it, just state what you will and won’t do.

Apolloanddaphne · 20/06/2019 10:34

I agree that you go but opt out of the expensive trips. You have a great excuse being pregnant. Put it on the group chat. I am betting some other will opt out too under the guise of 'keeping you company'.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/06/2019 10:37

“Hi Girls, Due to funds and another reason that will soon become clear :) (if you guess please don’t tell!) I’m going to have to say no to the booze cruise on the Saturday. I’ll organise another activity (maybe sunbathing / reading at the villa in the morning then lunch at “lovely but cheap tapas place” and then a trip to the beach in the afternoon) for anyone else who is struggling with funds / seasickness / hangover and so doesn’t fancy the boat and then we can all have a lovely dinner together in the villa in the evening.

If everyone else fancies the booze cruise then please PLEASE don’t anyone feel obligated to stay behind with me. As you know I have a 2 year old so the idea of being able to read my book without interruption for 2 hours then a lovely nap in the sun is my current favourite sexual fantasy.

Really looking forward to it now. So excited. Lizzie-bride is going to have such a lovely time.

Lol

Napqueen
Xxx”

HollowTalk · 20/06/2019 10:38

I'd just say, "There's no way I can spend money like this. I'm happy to come on the holiday but I won't be going on any excursions." Just be blunt!

jackernanna · 20/06/2019 10:39

You don't need an excuse. Somebody (you?) needs to be the first to blink and to say that the costs are getting ridiculous. Seems like the larger group don't even know that all these "add-ons" are in the pipeline. You committed to a £300 holiday in a villa. So did everyone else - I suspect they may be as dismayed as you are if the costs skyrocket. Just say something.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 10:43

@Mumoftwoyoungkids perfect..I guarantee you the vast majority will choose the cheaper option too. How arrogant of those other Bridesmaids to say "people won't mind spending the money"

NicciLovesSundays · 20/06/2019 10:46

A good day/ night out is all thats needed. Not much help in this case but i just dont understand how and why hen dos became so big.

Personally, bridesmaid or not I would sit it out and arrange something for you and the bride to do closer to home just the two of you if you can get your money back on the flights/accommodation...If not, then go along, enjoy some relaxation time but dont worry about doing the extra activities.

livefornaps · 20/06/2019 10:47

I see a lot of friction and resentment in the near future. Why do these things get planned like a military exercise?! Why can't you all just do what you normally would on holiday?? I personally would be okay to shell out for one activity which may come in at 100 quid but absolutely bloody not every day

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 10:47

Whatever happened to going out to a restaurant, for a few drinks or a club for a hen do? It's all got out of hand.

£700 (& it may add up to more) is ridiculous, not many young people can afford that.

meow1989 · 20/06/2019 10:49

My sisters hen do is 4 nights abroad and costing about £500 each so far. We have one activity planned and there was talk of others. If others want to do activities other than that arranged and paid for already I will be saying that the girls are welcome to do that and I will have a day bumming on the beach (snorkelling!) or hanging by the pool and facetimeing my ds who will be 15 months

I would advise you say similar, you're happy to not take part in some bits but the others are welcome to go ahead and dont need to worry about you missing out.

ElleDubloo · 20/06/2019 10:49

I’d just make it clear that I’m going for a chilled time at the villa and won’t be attending or paying towards any activities.

Just say you can’t afford it. Nobody can argue with that.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 10:50

@livefornaps agree, my SIL had hers last year, it was a surprise for her but she had her bridesmaids warned that all in she didn't want it to cost people more than €175, which they stuck to and it was a fantastic weekend aswell

Tiredmum100 · 20/06/2019 10:51

I went abroad for 5 days for my cousins hen. As someone else has already said going abroad was the activity. I would message in the WhatsApp group now and ask people what they think. It's very easy to get carried away, maybe the others need a bit of a reality check if others say it's too expensive.

AuntMarch · 20/06/2019 10:51

I think you won't be the only one opting out of expensive activities. If I was doing flights and villa, I would want to enjoy said villa and not spend all the day times being "busy" regardless of whether I could afford to. I am not a fan of structured activities anyway.

I would think it makes more sense to put to the whole group and suggest something like -
"There are the following activity options during the weekend - X on Friday at ££ per person, y Saturday at ££ and/or z Sunday which is ££. Let us know what you fancy, we can book as many or as few as people want to do, no obligation to take part in any/all, we can all meet up at the villa or somewhere afterwards!"

katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 10:52

Be firm that when you send the wider group chat out that people are aware that there are options but not mandatory things to do.
Say "how do we know people won't mind. They need to be asked. They might mind just like I do"

IdblowJonSnow · 20/06/2019 10:53

What an annoying situation to be put in. And why would one activity even need to cost 100 per person? I wouldn't even want to pay that on top of 300 whether I had the cash or not!
I'd be very clear op about what you'll pay and as to whether you'll go or not- as a pp said if others get priced out then the overall cost per remaining party might go up.
Grr, why do people do this?!

rattusrattus20 · 20/06/2019 10:54

spending £700/going abroad for a few days for a hen/stag do is perfectly ok for, say, a group of well-heeled singles but for most people it's highly unusual. no-one would blame anyone for not going.

LazyDaisey · 20/06/2019 10:59

“idea of being able to read my book without interruption for 2 hours then a lovely nap in the sun is my current favourite sexual fantasy.”

You what now? How did you come up with that as a sexual fantasy as opposed to just plain escapism?

justmyview · 20/06/2019 11:00

“......... I’ll organise another activity (maybe sunbathing / reading at the villa in the morning then lunch at “lovely but cheap tapas place” and then a trip to the beach in the afternoon) for anyone else who is struggling with funds / seasickness / hangover ............"

I wouldn't do this, as the bossy bridesmaids won't like it if they think you're encouraging guests to form a breakaway party

I think better to just say "go if you like, sounds fun, but I won't join you", and then when you get there, make other plans with people who feel the same as you

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 20/06/2019 11:01

Why can’t you just say you can’t afford that but are happy for them to go and do it and leave you and anyone else who has a smaller budget at the villas? Nothing shameful about being poorer than others.

Kyogre · 20/06/2019 11:05

Just state, I'm not going to do x, y and z but I'll join in with w on Thursday. I'm just going to chill out in the apartment as it's all getting a bit expensive and with the baby due I need to keep costs down however
I'm bring a good book so you all go for it, I'll enjoy the peace and sun xx

Sounds a perfect. It’s polite and clear.

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