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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend £700 on a hen do (I am a bridesmaid)

101 replies

Napqueen1234 · 20/06/2019 09:43

I know on mumsnet spending over £20 on a hen do and £2K on a wedding is often considered very excessive! But I think this takes the cake!

Background I am bridesmaid to a v close friend in Nov. Hen do organised abroad at her request for September. The costs are SPIRALLING. Flight and accommodation came to £300- that was fine because we were staying in a gorgeous villa and I thought we would save money going out by spending time in there.

But the other bridesmaids are organising activities totalling £100+ a day before spends (going thurs/sun or mon depending on when people are back in work). I am the only one with a child (and another on the way) so money is obviously a LOT tighter for me. I keep asking if we can swap X activity for X and either don't hear back or get told 'people wont mind spending the money'. Theres 13 people going.

What can I do? I have committed to it and I don't want to let me friend down- she would be mortified if she knew how much it cost I think (she organised my hen earlier this year which came to £250pp for EVERYTHING- still a lot to some I appreciate but I would be more than happy to pay similar for a close friends hen- we didn't go abroad at my request.

I find confrontation hard and to be honest embarrassing to admit I just cant afford it although I HAVE said that directly. Sorry for long post thanks for advice!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 20/06/2019 12:10

Yanbu.
It is ridiculously entitled to expect friends and family to fork out up to a 1000 to celebrate your wedding, with the hens a gift and the wedding day costs.
I know it is more likely costing the bride approx 20,000 but it is their choice.

Original poster
Napqueen1234 · 20/06/2019 12:13

Thanks for all the support. What about this when added to the BMs plans we send out:

‘Obviously we completely appreciate everyone’s financial situation is different and all (bride) would want is for everyone to be there and happy. I personally won’t be partaking in X and X for financial reasons and because I’ll be a pregnant whale so will be enjoying the sun from the beach/pool please feel free to join me if you prefer. Likelwise if anyone has any concerns feel free to DM any of us to discuss as we are flexible with the plans’

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 20/06/2019 12:17

Wow that’s a very extravagant hen do and not one I could personally justify going too cost wise. You either need to opt out now (pregnancy is the perfect excuse) or just say no I cannot afford these activities as I am going to be going on maternity leave and am cutting back financially. I think a few people will be seeing the spiralling costs and getting alarmed.

DarlingNikita · 20/06/2019 12:18

Napqueen1234, no, that's OK, and I think I'm a bit over-sensitive about it! It just tends to get trotted out quite a lot as an unquestioned fact that no kids = loads of cash.

I think your suggested message is great.

ShatnersWig · 20/06/2019 12:18

I think it's about time we had assertiveness training in schools. Seriously. These hen party threads pop up almost every other day and it doesn't seem to occur to people like the OP that they can actually say "no" or "you guys carry on, I'm just going to do this".

Coronapop · 20/06/2019 12:21

As there appears to be no willingness to compromise on actitivies and costs just tell the organiser that you cannot go because you cannot afford it. Simple. And explain the same to the bride.

floribunda18 · 20/06/2019 12:26

Pay what you've already agreed to, draw a line under anything else. People wont be expecting you to join in all activities and drinking at 7 months pregnant, unless they are complete dicks, the bride should be grateful you are coming at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 12:26

@Napqueen1234 that message sounds perfect

floribunda18 · 20/06/2019 12:26

won't

Constantlurker · 20/06/2019 12:27

I would be a bit careful and mention you're not planning to do some activities asap. If you pull out then a few others do that will raise the price for everyone else as they'll have probably priced it on an even split. Doing it after things have been booked may piss people off as they've been asked to pay more to cover your share so maybe mention it now before they confirm stuff.

Totally agree with you though - £700 is bloody ridiculous!!

The80sweregreat · 20/06/2019 12:30

You have a pass here as your pregnant and wont be drinking, so you should get a refund and you wont be able to take part in many of the activities either, so it should be cheaper for you. its only fair.
I wouldnt go ( if this was me) but i appreciate you dont want to let people down, but boundaries need to be set here as well.
Most days the cost of Hen or stag parties come up and its all so ridiculous how its all got so much out of hand. weddings are a lot of money as it is without all these extra costs involved - they seem to have evolved into ' need a second mortgage' in order to participate.
complete madness. I would just say no to a lot of it ( you cant afford it, people should understand)

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 12:30

@Constantlurker very good point

codemonkey · 20/06/2019 12:35

Be VERY clear that not participating in all the extras is not just because you're pregnant but because of the cost too. Else you might find the costs are equally split - you're just left back in the villa subsidising everyone else.

Pinkmouse6 · 20/06/2019 12:42

Pregnancy is a get of jail free card really. Cop out using that.

dottiedodah · 20/06/2019 12:50

Dont tell the Bride anything as it may spoil her day.Just say to the others that you will be looking for a rest ,and will duck out of some of the activities as you wont be feeling up to it!.No one will question you ,and I should think at least 1 or 2 of the others will be glad to join you!.

Merryoldgoat · 20/06/2019 12:55

Dont tell the Bride anything as it may spoil her day

FFS - what friend would be happy knowing her hen party is so expensive people can't actually afford it?

I arranged my own hen night because I didn't want any of this crap (having organised a few myself as well).

If my MoH was arranging it and there were people choosing not to go owing to costs being out of control I'd definitely want to know and so would any normal woman.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/06/2019 12:56

Pregnancy is a get of jail free card really. Cop out using that.

She shouldn't just "cop out" though, she's a bridesmaid too and is responsible for organising so she owes it to the other people going to let them know that it is expensive and they're not obliged to pay..she isn't

Littlekittystops · 20/06/2019 12:57

Message is spot on. The others organising it may feel you are putting a downer on their extravagant plans, so mind out when the stampede to join you on the sunbeds relaxing makes for a few sullen faces. Don’t be tempted to be talked into anything. ‘Come on
Nap just a few activities won’t hurt, do it for the bride etc’ ignore and repeat thanks but I am really happy to stay at the villa and chill.
You are there for the bride, that’s more than enough!

Merryoldgoat · 20/06/2019 12:58

I think it's about time we had assertiveness training in schools. Seriously. These hen party threads pop up almost every other day and it doesn't seem to occur to people like the OP that they can actually say "no" or "you guys carry on, I'm just going to do this"

I totally agree with this - the number of times I've seen people put up with utter nonsense because they 'don't like confrontation' - and I'm only talking about inedible food at a restaurant, night's out they can't afford etc - really nothing big in the scheme of things. God forbid they have to deal with something really important.

Charmatt · 20/06/2019 13:02

Do you know which airline you are flying with? I just wondered if you knew how many weeks pregnant you would be, because you may be restricted or require a 'safe to fly' letter from your midwife.

www.aviationadr.org.uk/flying-when-pregnant-nhs-advice-and-airline-rules-for-expectant-mothers/

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 20/06/2019 13:03

6/7 months pregnant - perfect excuse to either not go or to not sign up to anything other than lounging around. It's OK to change your mind, until the pregnancy is underway you just don't know how you're going to feel - you can say you're finding it much tougher than you expected and will need to rein things back. If you must you could offer to contribute to the bride's fund instead - or put a generous amount of cash in an envelope for her spendies.

Honestly that's heavily pregnant and I organised a hen do at the same stage but bowed out after the meal, fortunately all that I missed was a nightclub in Manchester!

It sounds like someone needs to step in and say "look the costs are beginning to spiral and I'm concerned not everyone is going to be able to afford this, myself included even if I wasn't pregnant - can we trim things back a bit?

I just spent less than you're paying for a week on a Greek island for me and by partner - both of us. 700 is excessive imho.

IveNotSlept · 20/06/2019 13:05

Wow that’s a lot. I think your friend is a bit entitled to say she wants to go abroad to be honest, wouldn’t we all like to go abroad at our friend’s expense! I wouldn’t have agreed to go at all once the plan was put together and I found out the cost, being 7 months pregnant too you are very limited on what you can join in with anyway.

Seeing as you are going I’d go with your polite text about not participating in xyz (or contributing to the cost!), I’m sure others will be relieved they don’t have to fork out for everything too.

IHateUncleJamie · 20/06/2019 13:11

That message sounds great @Napqueen1234 BUT I think you also need to pull up your big girl pants and rein the other BMs in first. Nobody needs £100 activity every single say of the hen. The ones insisting on this are being really thoughtless and need to calm down.

£700 for a long weekend is ridiculously expensive. If the other BMs insist on that much activity and £££ then other people are just going to start dropping out, which will upset the bride anyway.

There is no shame in saying “I can’t afford to double the original budget”.

IHateUncleJamie · 20/06/2019 13:11

*day, not say.

VenusOfWillendorf · 20/06/2019 13:30

Just be very clear that the reason you are not doing things is the money. Don't make it about being pregnant - as you could well end up being included in the division of costs - oh come for the drinks and you can drink lemonade - and then your find yourself hit for your share of ten bottles of champagne.