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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

551 replies

FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 14:59

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 19/06/2019 16:43

It may be rude to ask people to take their shoes off, it's equally as rude not to ask someone if they want you to take your shoes off when visiting.

Peeltheseal · 19/06/2019 16:43

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EarlyBird39 · 19/06/2019 16:45

You both need to grow a spine and tell her no! Shoes off or not going in! It's your house, your rules! Ffs

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 19/06/2019 16:45

I'd go massively PA, OP; get loads of old sheets (charity shop maybe) and line all the floors of the house with them the first time she and other members of the family come round. When they ask, say that you know they don't like to remove their shoes and that this way no-one ruins the carpet, . Watch them glare Grin

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 19/06/2019 16:46

These threads happen every month on MN. In real life I have never been asked to take my shoes off and neither would I ask someone to remove theirs.

If I'm wearing muddy boots then of course I take them off but I would have brought shoes to change into. It's what everyone I know does.

If you woudn't ask the queen or a paramedic to take their shoes off then it's also rude to ask me to. Except no one ever has.

I've seen it said here its a class thing. Maybe it is.

Xmr1986 · 19/06/2019 16:47

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl "no shoes on the sofa" is a rule in most people's homes. But carpets and floors are actually made to be walked on, so shoes don't arse me one bit indoors as long as you don't have dog shit on them.

Isn't cream carpets and no shoes historically a sign of being 'common' anyway?

The runner on my stairs is probably almost 200 years old. It was in my childhood bedroom prior to this, and before that it was in my Grandfather's house - and before his it came from Lord Derby's estate. It is clean and cared for - and is still flawless and not threadbare in any way after over a century of being walked on with shoes. It is actually a happy accidental heirloom 😂

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 19/06/2019 16:47

Some people are just really really tribal and inflexible. They think their way of doing things is correct (rather than just the custom they've got used to) and for some reason can't adapt to a different custom.

If you can't cope with taking your shoes off in a house you are either have serious anxiety issues or are just stubborn and inflexible and need to get a grip and adapt to someone else's rules.

Peeltheseal · 19/06/2019 16:47

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SavingSpaces2019 · 19/06/2019 16:48

My DH asked her and she ignored him and when he asked her again I wasn't there but she apparently said no
So you know she's playing control games with you - in your own home.
Your husband won't stand up to her - so it falls on you.
Be very direct with her when she arrives, stand in front of her and say "shoes off please, here's a pair of slippers".

If you don't stand up to her she will play her control games with your child too - and continue to walk all over you for the rest of your life.

Xmr1986 · 19/06/2019 16:49

Yes @DaisiesAreOurSilver as in those that ask you to, generally have none.

Imagine all those feet in sweaty socks all over your floors Envy grim.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 19/06/2019 16:50

@Xmr1986

Where I live no shoes in the house is standard. Everyone automatically removes shoes in the hall way. Most people aren't preoccupied with whether they're deemed common or not.

The idea that asking a paramedic to take their shoes off is the same as a regular guest is ridiculous. The queen would have the manners to take her shoes off having noted everyone else had.

I really can't understand how anyone can be so childish as to refuse to take their shoes off when asked and I'm not even that bothered about it myself.

BertrandRussell · 19/06/2019 16:50

I’m a shoes off person, despite being mil age!

However, What I I don’t understand is all this trailing mud round thing. Don’t people have door mats? Have the visitors just been on a country walk?

SavingSpaces2019 · 19/06/2019 16:51

It doesn't matter if the other people don't take their shoes off/think it's rude etc.
What you do in your own home is your business.
This is op's home and her mil is clearly disrespecting her - and her son- in their home.
If you're a guest in someone's house you don't go throwing your weight around and deliberately take the piss.

ithinkimightbecrazy · 19/06/2019 16:51

she is probably embarrased. maybe her feet sweat loads and sm has athletes foot or holes in socks.
get the covers

ithinkimightbecrazy · 19/06/2019 16:51

smell

Alsohuman · 19/06/2019 16:52

Maybe I’m half common - cream carpets, shoes on.

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 16:53

@CassianAndor

I'm afraid I am of the camp that you don't tell people what to wear in your home. It's very inhospitable. It's a question ('please could you take your shoes off') for which the answer 'no' is not acceptable, which then makes it an order. For a lot of elderly people in particular it can be a real problem, but I hate it too, mainly because my feet get freezing cold, and then I just want to leave your home.

Weren't you the poster who said Brits are rude and cold because they don't invite the school class' siblings to soft play parties, even if it's £9 a head?

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 19/06/2019 16:53

Everyone I know takes shoes off in other people's houses unless they aren't staying and just standing in the doorway

CaptainButtock · 19/06/2019 16:53

Those blue plastic hospital shoe things???! 😆
Are you lot for real????

GPatz · 19/06/2019 16:54

It's rude not to check with the host if you should remove your shoes. Putting the host is the embarrassing position of having to ask you to remove your shoes is rude.

CaptainButtock · 19/06/2019 16:54

Or is it something else?
What is a ‘shoe cover’??

GummyGoddess · 19/06/2019 16:55

@Peeltheseal it wasn't to you, just in general. However asking if you should take them off is polite, if they say keep them on then no problem.

MsSquiz · 19/06/2019 16:57

If my MIL refused to take her shoes off when requested, I would say to her "well, thanks for coming round, it's a shame you're not coming in/staying"

In our house, we allow shoes downstairs, as we mainly have tiled floors, but we have light grey/cream carpets on the stairs and upstairs so it's shoes off to go up.

In BIL's house, it's shoes off at the door. I don't take my house rules and implement them at BIL's house, because it's not my house!

It's extremely rude to ignore someone's house rules!

Hortz · 19/06/2019 16:57

My DH asked her and she ignored him and when he asked her again I wasn't there but she apparently said no.

So you ask her.
Not at the door but maybe while you are having a coffee. Just ask her nicely to humour you and bring a pair of house shoes or slippers to leave at your new house. Explain that perhaps she doesn't realise how much it bothers you and it would mean a lot if she agreed.
It doesn't have to be a war.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/06/2019 17:01

I think the OP (and several "your house you rules" posters who I bet a million quid are not so my-way-or-the-high-way about trivia in their real lives) needs to think about what is most important here.

Is it that her MIL, who she otherwise purports to adore, is happy visiting her home, feels welcome and comfortable; or winning some weird and unnecessary control thing about whether she wears shoes or not.

OP isn't unreasonable to not want muddy shoes on new carpets. A doormat - and suggesting it is used, when it needs to be, should suffice to get mud that would damage things off her feet.