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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

551 replies

FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 14:59

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

OP posts:
jennymanara · 20/06/2019 20:41

Also some older people feel half naked without shoes on. My dad is like this. He says taking his shoes off to go in someone's house makes him feel incredibly uncomfortable.

shesgrownhorns · 20/06/2019 20:42

I'm finding this very interesting as I've just had a new carpet in one of my rooms. I'm making all of us do shoes off but I'm feeling a bit nervous about applying it to visitors. Mind you I seldom get any so not really much of a problem!

AmeriAnn · 20/06/2019 20:45

Maybe she has issues as I do. I have serious problems with my spine, arthritis and an artificial ankle. So I have to ask someone to help me with my shoes/socks/laces/buckles and also I cannot walk barefoot. I have to have support for my poor old arthritic feet and factory-made ankle.

My daughter-in-law would know all this and probably would give a rats arse if she did.

jwpetal · 20/06/2019 20:48

Buy her a pair of shoes and when giving it to her say it is from the new baby and how it will please said baby to live on a clean floor. It sounds like your first child. Good luck with those carpets. We do not wear shoes but carpets will get dirty, but we all have to learn that lesson when have children.

HappyLoneParentDay · 20/06/2019 20:51

@CassianAndor How can you relax with shoes on your feet? Genuine question. I really don't get it! I can't wait to get mine off my feet when I get in so I can relax properly

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 20:52

You can't buy someone else a pair of shoes without them even trying them on.

anitagreen · 20/06/2019 20:54

Why is such a big deal people might want to actually look after their carpets though?
I've said it on here before but when we had a beautiful carpet laid down my brother came round to visit didn't think to say shoes off and he'd trod in chewing gum or blue tac whatever it was and it's never ever come back out the carpet now I've got this horrible black hard lump in one part of the front room and it pisses me off whenever I see it

IrisTs · 20/06/2019 20:57

@FirstBabyOnTheWay

Im with you on this one, as I was brought up in the country where wearing your shoes in door is rude and disrespectful to the owner.

It makes me laugh when people say you shouldn't tell guest what they can and cannot do. Too right you can and if the don't like it l, they don't have to come. UK is famous in a lot of countries for having houses full of carpets which, let's be honest, get filthy very quickly. You can wash them once a month, yet the bacteria still brews. Yuk. I used to have that with SIL and BIL but put a stop to it very quickly. They cheekily tried to compare wearing shoes in my house to my dog walking in the house. Yh no sorry my dog doesn't walk all over my carpet soaking wet or after trumping in mad or shit.
Set boundaries as your MIL is disrespectful cow.

HappyLoneParentDay · 20/06/2019 20:59

@CassianAndor Why would a pushchair be inside the house??? Christ. You're making your house sound like a pit! If I knew a wheelchair user was coming I'd get some of those temporary clear plastic runners 🤷🏼‍♀️

Seriously, HOW can you have filth on your floors 🤢🤮

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 20:59

It is not true that everyone in the country takes shoes off. Part of my family are farmers. I have been in plenty of farmhouses where everyone, except those wearing wellies, keeps their shoes on and some houses where you want to keep your shoes on. Well off incomers to farming areas are always shoes off people though.

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 21:00

Seriously you would get plastic runners for a wheelchair user!!

speakout · 20/06/2019 21:04

jennymanara

I agree. I have two friend that own farms,. It;s shoes on ( unless wellies)
Huge working kitchen/dining, stone floors, often a few lambs being warmed up by the range.
If you took your shoes off in these kitchens your socks would get muddy.

Notanidiot · 20/06/2019 21:08

I have two door mats at the front door. The amount of visitors who ignore it and don't wipe their feet is shocking.

So I have no qualms in politely asking people to do so.

It's my house and anybody wanting to come inside should be respectful of my space as I would be of theirs. If requested to remove my shoes I would do so and gone prepared with slippers.

So if your MIL continues to be disrespectful to you and ignore your feelings, tell her she can stay away and you, or better still your partner, will take the baby to see her.

Ellyess · 20/06/2019 21:15

FirstBabyOnTheWay. You know, all the discussion about whether or not we need to take off she's etc. is irrelevant.
All that matters is that it is your home. You are in charge. you have to clean it! What you say goes!
I do think that your DH should be more assertive with this mother of his. I don't think she is too old to be set in her ways or anything. Her age is not an excuse. I am older (OK why am I not on Gransnet... well I prefer it here...)
I really do support you, OP. It is no great problem to take off shoes when coming to a person's house. I do it in so many of my friends' houses and before my house was vandalised by builders I used to do it in my house. When my house is finished after the decorating etc I shall ask for outdoor shoes to be left by the door again. We did it when I was a little girl. We were ordinary people, not "posh". We just kept the dirt out that way.

If you provide some slippers for people then they can hardly complain.

Your MiL could easily keep a pair of shoes for indoor shoes at your house. So long as they are clean. I am sure she has plenty.

I would really stick to your rules. Your house your rules.

I think this is more than about actual shoes. She's trying to be the boss in your house. Well, she isn't. She has already damaged it. She is not going to do further damage. If others start saying why are you being so fussy, tell them about the mess she made previously.

OOnooooH I wish I could have a word with her! I can't stand these women in my generation who think they can impose their ideas and swan around in the houses of their adult children just how they like without showing any respect for them. She has to start behaving and stop being childish. If she doesn't come and visit because of it - that is her loss. Don't be blackmailed!!

TapasForTwo · 20/06/2019 21:16

Those who think it is rude to be asked to remove shoes indoors - do you not think it is rude to walk mud into clean carpets?

Ellyess · 20/06/2019 21:22

Just remembered. I stayed at a gorgeous B&B near Glyndebourne. The lady asked for outdoor shoes to be taken off at the door. There were those seed tray things for us to put our walking boots on if we had them. You could have a place for people to leave their shoes - you probably do! It might make it more obvious that you mean it and harder for her not to do it!

Amazon:
Sealey DRPL09 Drip Tray Low Profile 9ltr. £7.71

Ellyess · 20/06/2019 21:24

TapasForTwo. Perfectly put! Top marks! ⭐️

LaurieMarlow · 20/06/2019 21:25

Why would a pushchair be inside the house

Where else would it be?

If I knew a wheelchair user was coming I'd get some of those temporary clear plastic runners

Mind blown. You might be the most precious poster on all of mumsnet. And that takes some doing.

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 21:26

Tapas I don't walk mud in. I make sure my shoes are clean.

LaurieMarlow · 20/06/2019 21:27

do you not think it is rude to walk mud into clean carpets?

You wipe your feet on a doormat. It’s not difficult to avoid.

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 21:28

You know the option is not take shoes versus walk mud into carpets.

bellinisurge · 20/06/2019 21:29

Doormat.

I take my shoes off in other people's houses if they ask me. I don't expect people to do it in mine. I take my shoes off in mine only because I like being in my cool slippers.

Ellyess · 20/06/2019 21:31

Notanidiot. Exactly! I always take my shoes off when going upstairs (downstairs is a building site at the mo see above)
My kind neighbours - 2 strong blokes - were carrying my new bed upstairs for me. (I'm a widow)
They were ahead of me but saw me kick off my shoes at the bottom of the stairs.
Immediately, even though they were holding a double bed they said "Oh Sorry _ we didn't take off our shoes," and started to do so.

They are nice normal kind people. I didn't mind about their shoes as they were doing an awkward job and needed to carry the bed in from outside, so I wouldn't have asked them to take them off.

On the other hand, my children take their shoes off when they go upstairs and used to downstairs when it was normal there.

jennymanara · 20/06/2019 21:31

I don't actually have an issue with taking shoes off now. I used to because an illness used to make it uncomfortable for me to be without shoes. But I still took off my shoes when asked and sat in rooms with my feet hurting. Although I did not like it.