Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

[FirstBabyOnTheWay]

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

Because it’s how you were brought up and you always have?

Dokant the thread has been about lots of things, my dear. (just don't, please). Not just the narrow confines of the OP (who has left the thread). I'm sorry I didn't rush to reply to your post, though rather egocentric of you to stalk me through the thread repeating it. You'll have noted, of course, that I have repeatedly said that I will always removed my shoes when ordered to do so. I respect the wishes of inhospitable people.

I'm vocal because I'm bored and I'm quite enjoying myself.

Damn draughty old Victorian houses can be cold at any time of the day! I often wear my slippers from dawn till dusk, and even in summer I wear flip flops, I'm rarely barefoot in my house.

Oh ouch Captain! My sympathies for the planar
Thanks, it's actually better now (after 18 months) but I still use the orthotics to avoid it happening again.

We are all different! I have never, ever been asked to take my shoes off in any house I have been to and that includes when working in all sorts of "top drawer" places. Likewise I can't imagine being asked to take my shoes off when going into a restaurant or a hotel. Just odd imo. We have doormats. Actually - I can admit to putting on shoe covers if visiting a National Trust property if I have had very muddy feet. But that is all.

It’s basically saying “my carpets are more important than your preference.”"

Leaving shoes on is saying literally the same thing. "My comfort is more important than your preference."

@CassianAndor Still not answering my question.

IAm No, it's saying my comfort is more important that your carpets [that are meany for people to walk on] versus my carpets are more important than your comfort.
Sounds ever so slightly different when you phrase it accurately, doesn't it?

Though actually, what's it's really saying is 'I would never impose this rule on a guest which might make them cold or unrelaxed or uncomfortable and I find it rather depressing that you're happy to do that to your guests, but OK then. Fingers crossed. [20 minutes later] Fuck, my feet are freezing. I'll curl them up under me and start rubbing them and hope they warm up soon [I have actually done this many times]. I wonder when I can leave, because I'm really not enjoying myself now.'

Doskant Still stalking me? And I have answered it, indeed you pretty much included my answer (that if the MIL is happy to do this in her DIL's house then she'll be happy with whatever in her house) in your ramble upthread. If it is unacceptable for the OP to disrespect her MIL’s wishes in her MIL’s own house, then it is unacceptable for MIL to disrespect her DIL’s wishes in DIL’s own house. That's pretty much what I said.

Can you just stop hassling me now.

What total and utter BS that it's rude to ask people to remove their shoes.. It might be rude to some oddballs but to normal people who don't want shite trampled through their house, it's damn rude to keep your outdoor shoes on in someone else's house!

nipontuck, I get your gist but what happens if you go to a party or similar at someone's house? You don't take your shoes off there surely.

I take my shoes off at house parties :) Everyone here does. If it's a fancy fancy party (like new years eve ones tend to be), then people wear boots to get to the party, and put their fancy shoes on inside. Very normal here.

I admit I haven't read the whole thread but what about people with a disability. I have a friend for whom walking without shoes is very, very difficult as they have an artificial leg set up to be worn with shoes and to go without is painful and dangerous (as their balance is off and they are at high risk of falls). If you can provide slippers with a heel that is fine or shoe covers that are not slippery as this would also be likely to make them fall that is fine. Otherwise even though they will wipe their feet forever to avoid a mess you are saying you would prefer them to be in pain (or in hospital if they fall)!
I do agree though that the mil isn't in this category and is just being awkward.

OP why not offer her a new pair of her favourite shoes/trainers, to be kept at your house, obvs.
I'm not a slippers person myself but hate having cold feet at someone else's house.
Maybe actual shoes would tempt her?

@CassianAndor Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am stalking you. Thought patterns like yours will forever fascinate me.

@MadMadMad I would hope that people with disabilities would be an obvious exception, but perhaps I am being too optimistic about the humanity of people in general :)

My friend with a false leg will bring her own indoor shoes with her, but then she is swedish so she's used to that. If I had a friend drop by from overseas who I didn't know to expect and thus warn, then of course she could keep her shoes on in those circumstances. In my house at least! Can't speak for everyone else in the shoes off brigade.

I’d buy her a pair of proper shoes or slippers that stay at your house. Ask her to send you a link to exactly what she would like and you buy it for her. Then even if for some reason she doesn’t want to uncover her feet or walk without supportive shoes, you will have covered those issues.

Tell her that the house will be no outdoor shoes.

You could do all that by email to avoid the conversation.

It sounds like the issue is power and control with her.

I wouldn’t dream of going into someone’s house and doing anything I pleased. I’d fucking behave! And anyone saying it’s the OP wrecking a family relationship - no, it’s the MIL doing that all by herself.

OP are you my sister?
My DM does this to my sister and just refuses to take her shoes off. She won't admit it to anyone, but I have seen her once take her shoes off on her house and it was a real struggle for her. Some people find it hard to admit to anyone that they physically struggle doing basic things.

I remember when DS1 was a few weeks old and a couple of ladies from the Surestart centre paid me a visit, leaving dark muddy footprints all over my new rug. I was already feeling down (difficult clingy baby) and I cried. After that I decided not to give a shit and tell people it's shoes off.

Family and friends takes their shoes off automatically, so not been an issue since we had new carpets put in a few months ago. DM included. At her house however, she has hard flooring downstairs (carpet upstairs so no shoes), and she tells me not to take my shoes off because the floor is cold. DC are in the habit of taking their shoes off but their socks are always dirty when we return home despite DM being extremely clean!

my MIL won't remove hers but that's because she gets swollen feet, so our compromise is she doesn't go upstairs (our downstairs is wood or stone). Maybe that's your starting position, OP, she doesn't get to go upstairs to nosey round!

I don’t understand how people’s shoes are so dirty! Unless they’re wading through mud to get to your front door... my house is spotless - I’m known for being OCD about it and I’ve never had a carpet or floor issue. When I/my DH get home we wipe our feet on the mat (although we’re walking all day on concrete not mud ) then change our shoes upstairs when we’re getting out of our work clothes. The carpet has never been stained... same with visitors. I’ve never had visitors traipse mud/brown dirt everywhere. Where are these people coming from???? A forest?

Erm. New baby and cream carpets and you're worried about MIL? Once they're covered in poo, wee, food and vomit (and probably sudocrem) her feet will hardly show.

It's hard for me to imagine not being able to clean a carpet because someone trod in a bit of mud.

But I would say I find it incredibly difficult to walk without shoes. I don't take my shoes off when in others houses. Saying thay, you say your MIL doesn't have such difficulties. You need to talk to her and ask why ... As for taking home the slippers you bought her to wear I your house, I can only imagine that there was a communication breakdown.

Maybe she has fungal nail disease? My mother does and would never take her shoes off in public. I should offer to keep slippers at yours or get some over shoe covers like the ones they have at swimming pools?

Hand her disposable over shoes at the doorway

www.screwfix.com/p/disposable-overshoes-blue-size-one-size-fits-all-100-pack/3734k

Then arm across hallway to block access until she puts them on with a lighthearted "life's too short to be carpets, I'm sure you'd agree!"

I used to have a friend who insisted on us taking our shoes off even if it was dry and sunny. I'm happy to do this if it is wet or muddy or if I'm likely to track something into the house. However she had solid floors with no carpets downstairs and a cleaner several days a week, so it did seem unreasonable in good weather.

We inherited very pale wool carpets throughout our house but never ask people to take their shoes off, though we obviously wouldn't stop them if they wanted to. We're 13 years in with them now and they really look fine, we just use a carpet shampooer every now and again.