Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

[FirstBabyOnTheWay]

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

I'm with you OP and I agree that it sounds like a power thing.

Tbh, I was brought up in a shoes-on household and did continue with that for a while, but then, my friend walked dog shit into my house and my fil left black shoe polish all along my sofa cover. Neither apologised.

So, we're now largely shoes-off. To help, I bought one of those pretty signs for the porch. We've also got washable rugs in high-traffic places.

I would say something to your mil (or get your dh to) when you're on the phone arranging for her to come round. A simple, "Oh and don't forget to bring those slippers we gave you - we're strictly shoes-off now." When she arrives: "Have you got your slippers?" If she doesn't have them, get out the shoes protectors. (Store them by the front door.) Be polite and assertive and just stand there until she puts them on.

I've had 4 DC and never had pram in house. !??

All my family and inlaws take their shoes off automatically, just like we do round their house. It's rude not too imo

See, for me it’s rude to do this automatically. It’s overfamiliar. I don’t want to see feet!

I've had people come round and they've started to take their shoes off, I say 'oh, you don't need to bother if you don't want to' - a lot of people then don't take their shoes off. Which makes me think that whilst they've been conditioned to do this and will do it automatically, they don't actually want to or like it.

Same here @CassianAndor.

Tell her she needs to either take her shows off or pay for replacement carpet when destroys your new carpet just like she did with this one.

Coincidentally, I had the Jeremy Vine programme on in the background and at the end, a woman was saying that tomorrow they would be discussing taking shoes off in other people's houses: she said everyone was asked to do so at hers, Jeremy Vine said he thought it was ill mannered to ask people to take shoes off.

I didn't realise it was such a controversial subject! No one has ever asked me to remove shoes but I do if I know them and am comfortable with them, might even bring slippers! If I'm invited to dinner or such like I wouldn't think of it, neither would anyone else. Also I've never asked anyone to remove shoes in my house.

I would say you were being unreasonable, but having had my own kids and DH walk dog poo into the home on several occasions I am definitely with you in this.

You DO need to get a grip on any OCD habits though as it's not good for you or your child. A medium ground has to be found.

Re the MIL you just have to be firm and maybe make up a story that a workman walked dog poo around your house and from here on in no one would enter without removing their shoes. Get her some more slippers and make sure they stay at your house.

I've found even tv repair men put shoe covers on!

I loathe Jeremy Vine so if someone wants to take one for the team and report back, please do!

Not me @CassianAndor - I'm with you.
Can't stand him.
As soon as I hear his voice on the radio or TV, channels are changed.
He makes me grind my teeth.

Jeez, hells, that's so selfish of you .

I live in Scandinavia so my house is a shoe off house as is the vast majority here. If you don't then you end up with puddles of melty snow in your house all winter ;)

Still, I prefer it this way anyway, despite having grown up in a shoes on house in the UK. Interestingly enough when I emigrated here 12 years ago my mum decided she liked that system too and her house also became shoes off. She's 75 and not in the best health and yet still manages to take hers off without much complaint.

I was raised (by a father born in 1931 so with pretty old fashioned values) to respect other peoples' homes and belongings.

If you know you'll have cold feet then take some warm socks with you. If you know you need the support of shoes inside, then take along some house shoes that haven't been worn outside, it isn't that hard really.

And of course, if you have a medical issue that really means you can't change your shoes, make it known and you'll almost certainly be given consideration for it.

That's all well and good Damn (and I have no doubt that Scandinavian houses are better insulated that many British ones) but all the oldies I know (and I know a lot of over 75s) would need a proper chair to sit on to remove their shoes, not be hopping around on one foot hanging onto the wall. So if you have a narrow hallway like me, with no room for a chair, they'd have to walk into your living area with their shoes on in order to be able to sit down to remove them. And then the minute particles of bird shit would have made their way into your home!!!

Bringing along appropriate footwear can of course be fine if you know in advance, but what if you're invited in on the off chance? Don't know about you but I don't carry my slippers around with me in case someone asks me in for a cup of tea (IME thick socks don't help much at all on cold or draughty floors, and even carpeted houses can have floor draughts).

And why should people have to advertise their veruccas or athlete's foot or bunions or anything else?

I respect other peoples' homes, I also respect my guests and consider their comfort.

Anyone who says 'my house my rules' very clearly does not respect their guests.

My slippers cost over £100 and last for years. I cannot and prefer not to wear cheap ones
I have Mahabis which I wear with orthotics for my plantar fasciitis. I take them with me when I go to friends' houses.

I have a narrow hallway too :) But we set up a folding chair that doesn't take much space, then my mum (and others who want although not many do) can fold it down to use when it's shoe on/off time. It works out well! Not that you need that Cassian in your shoes on home.

Socks knitted from super thick wool are great against drafty floors! I tend to have socks in my messenger bag just in case anyway, but I do agree if you're in a culture where shoes off isn't standard then you do need to tell people in advance so they can prepare. It's only polite. If you're forewarned then you know you should bring your slippers!

Either scandinavians just don't get verucas, athletes foot or bunions, or taking your shoes off just doesn't advertise them. I've never once had that issue in 12 years. Some people bring indoor shoes, I don't ask why. It's fine. Everyone else takes their shoes off. Not one guest to my home has ever detailed issues with their feet (apart from my bestie who does so because a whine with a friend with some wine is healing).

Oh ouch Captain! My sympathies for the planar. I have a friend with that, it sounds horrendous.

Maybe I'm being dense, but how does "rainy, muddy day outside" translate to ruined carpets?

Surely folk have doormats to wipe feet on when coming into a house? And the new, cotton-based type absorb practically everything too ...

CassianAndor, funny you should say that about Jeremy Vine. I didn't know him until he was on 'Strictly.' I had his programme on today in background and can't say I took much notice, apart from the bit about removing shoes, but when I have seen him I've not been keen. Something about his attitude. However I daresay I haven't seen enough of his programme to fairly judge.

I thought it was probably just me and imagined he was universally popular! How wrong can you be???

Anyway, I won't put the programme on tomorrow to see the argument about removal of shoes because I'd probably have to watch and listen to endless dross beforehand. I do hope someone else tunes in though and tells us what was said.

I wear slippers indoors but go out to the bins etc wearing slippers. My feet got soaking wet the other evening! I suppose one should change into shoes for that but it's hassle.

My carpets are pretty grim even without us wearing shoes, could do with a good clean.

so, walking home from school with friend, get to her house first, having good conversation so friend says 'd'you want to come in with a cuppa?' I say, 'that would be lovely but I haven't got slippers with me so I'd like to keep my shoes on.' (so turning the tables and getting my preference, nicely phrased as a preference not an order, in first).
What would a shoes-off person say to that? 'Oh no, we're shoes off house so I can't allow that. See you later.'

Seriously? People would do that?

@CassianAndor You have been the most vocal of the shoes-on camp.

You and many others are deliberately avoiding the fact this thread is absolutely nothing to do with shoes, germs, footwear preference, bunions, age, carpet colour, presence of doormat or nay, asthma, eczema, culture... or any other whack tangent anyone else has come up with.

This thread is about respect.

Many pages back I asked you to consider the reverse situation. The OP refusing to respect the MIL’s wishes in MIL’s own home, damaging MIL’s property and making no effort to replace it, belittling her and showing no remorse. Essentially, to show the MIL the same kind of disrespect MIL has shown her. You ignored my post so I continued to prompt you. Finally you gave a non-answer that didn’t at all address who was in the wrong should the situation be truly reversed. It seems you believe in double standards. Just like you believe your cold feet in someone else’s house trumps their wishes. This, my dear, is egocentrism at its finest.

A failsafe way of understanding situations like this is to look at intent and reversing the situation, as I have suggested. If it is unacceptable for the OP to disrespect her MIL’s wishes in her MIL’s own house, then it is unacceptable for MIL to disrespect her DIL’s wishes in DIL’s own house.

Though, again, it seems you have double standards, and what MIL wants trumps what the OP wants.

What a pity.

In that case yes I would probably defer the cuppa to another day, or suggest going to your house instead if you were up for that. To be honest I'd find it a bit odd that a friend would require slippers for a cup of tea in the daytime when the house are warmest, but I wouldn't question it because I wouldn't want to be rude :) I'd probably say "Oh that's a shame, would you prefer to go to your house then or shall we do it another day?" Or I'd offer a pair of my own slippers, I seem to have managed to accumilate a ridiculous number of slippers..

"And I would rather wear someone else’s pants than their slippers."

I don't get why people would wear shoes in the house anyway.. 🙄 i find it disgusting imo. Surely you wouldn't wear your slippers outside would you so why would you feel the need to wear your outside shoes indoors 🤮