Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

[FirstBabyOnTheWay]

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

She may have orthotics in her shoes, and can't walk around without them . My DH has severe plantar fasciitis, and literally can't walk without shoes/ orthotics because he gets terrible pain.

Not even from hall to sofa to sit down? Does he wear outdoor shoes 24/7 at home?

I suspect @FirstBabyOnTheWay has run a mile now due to the amount of people here who think indoor dust etc is equally as dirty as mud and dog piss, that the MIL should be able to do whatever she likes in someone else’s home and that she’s unreasonable for buying a house with cream and beige carpets. And that daring to ask someone to respect her home is the rudest thing in history. 🙄

"Donney parties I simply don't understand, it's weird. I hate standing around people's freezing cold floors in my socks drinking wine. I'm a short arse and it just makes me feel like a child. How horrible for the woman with corn plasters.

I think these people like to think their friendly and sociable whilst demonstrating that they clearly aren't."

How on earth do you think people get on in countries where this is totally the norm?

If you are wearing clean socks and have washed your feet, what on earth is the issue?

If you hate it that much, just leave. I promise, no one will beg you to stay if you're going to be a baby about it.

“How old is MIL?
Why do people keep asking this.”

Because on Mumsnet any woman over 50 is an old biddy completely set in her ways and physically incapable. Oh, and racist, sexist, homophobic because “that’s what it was like in her day”

OP if she's really lively she won't let this one little "quirk" of yours spoil the relationship. And, as a new mum, it will be good for you/your dh to start enforcing your own boundaries.

Age can be an issue if, like my MiL, she was 87 and actually finds it difficult to take shoes on and off.

Iamalwayslikethis How on earth do you think people get on in countries where this is totally the norm?

I don’t care. I don’t live in a hot country. If I did, I might not be double-spanxed with control cotton gusset tights and reinforced toes.

It’s terrible manners. Can you imagine the Queen asking Donald and Melania to wander around the palace in their stocking feet???
It’s basically saying “my carpets are more important than your preference.”

Its terrible manners to trample on your host's preferences in their own home Donney. Far better not to visit.

it is probably a generation thing, to them asking to take shoes off is really rude, they almost never walk barefoot or with just socks on

I'm in my late 60s. I am currently not wearing socks. I ask people to take their shoes off (politely)

Stop with the 'generational' crap.

It’s terrible manners. Can you imagine the Queen asking Donald and Melania to wander around the palace in their stocking feet???

The Queen has servants (and corgis so I doubt she cares)

It’s basically saying “my carpets are more important than your preferences

That's such a stupid argument.Do you let your guests put their feet up on your sofa or other bits of furniture or are your pieces of furniture more important than your guests preferences?

“it is probably a generation thing, to them asking to take shoes off is really rude, they almost never walk barefoot or with just socks on”
BINGO!!!!!

It’s basically saying “my carpets are more important than your preferences

Damn right! Its their house so should be about their preferences, not hers. Why the hell should they have to waste their time and money cleaning their carpet because MIL is rude and doesnt respect their house rules?

@Seniorschoolmum your BIL is my hero.

Alternatively, if you are going down the hardwood flooring route, just "no shoes upstairs?". After all, you will have a baby gate in place soon....

Having said that, you should not be asking them to do this. It is a control thing and it's your house! Don't budge from the hallway until they have picked one of your preferred options.

It is a generational thing IME but the generation I'm thinking of is those in their late 70s/80s, so quite a bit older than some here (and the OP's MIL). From what others have said it's also possibly a regional thing.

In my generation (40s) I would say it's pretty roughly 50/50.

What it isn't is a standard thing in the UK like it is Asia, so why the bloody hell people always drag that one up every time I can't think.

These shoes off threads are utterly bonkers. We have cream carpets everywhere, we wear our shoes all the time and we hoover twice/thrice a week. This is our two year old hall carpet. It looks all right to me.

I do love a good shoes on/off thread. I’m pleased to see that we’re as divided on what constitutes ‘good manners’ as ever.

I wear converse hi tops and hate taking them off as I have to undo all the laces....But I always ask people if they would like me to take my shoes off and if they say yes I do it.

It their house, their carpets and I comply with their wishes.

I also only think it came in as a thing in this country when pale carpets became the style to have. There's a point to crazy 70s carpets! I love that CarpetRight still keep a small range of desperately old-fashioned patterned carpets in stock.

We still have 20 year old cream carpets upstairs and on the stairs that have survived toddler years and are in good condition. This is because of our no shoes rule. Downstairs lasted for probably 15 years too.

It's rude not to check with the host if you should remove your shoes. Putting the host is the embarrassing position of having to ask you to remove your shoes is rude. I come from a "shoes-on" culture. I have one pair of friends who are a "shoes off" couple. And one friend who says in her culture it's the height of rudeness and over-familiarity to take your shoes off in someone else's home. I would take shoes off if they were covered with mud, or were wellies or walking boots, but it would simply not occur to me to to offer to take off shoes when I had merely got out of the car and walked down a few years of pavement. And I would feel very awkward for a number of reasons if I had to take my shoes off.

What's rud ein one culture isn't rude in another.

I am happy to take my shoes off in my own and someone else's house, have already explained the difficulties my husband has with shoes; however, if someone is having a party, they don't normally expect guests to take their shoes off. I suppose people going to parties don't walk through mud before arriving but I've never seen it at parties, everyone wears shoes and generally quite nice ones.

My slippers cost over £100 and last for years. I cannot and prefer not to wear cheap ones. ( I wear ones that help with my arthritis) so would not want to go into a house if I had to take my shoes off.
Surely a good mat at the door will take the damp and stains.?
I was in a house earlier this year and the cream carpets came to my ankles . I was not asked to remove my shoes, but there were 2 good mats , 1 on the door step and 2nd just inside the door.

People's homes are their private spaces - guests need to respect them the way they are asked to.

I agree, it really is as simple as this.

My house is a shoes off house. Even wiping your shoes on a mat will not remove all traces of shit and god knows what else and I don't want that in MY house. If people don't like it, don't come round. All my family and inlaws take their shoes off automatically, just like we do round their house. It's rude not too imo