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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

551 replies

FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 14:59

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/06/2019 22:55

I had never ever been to a house where anyone was expected to take off their shoes, until I was 22 (40 years ago). It was unheard of.

I moved down here for work, and went to visit a colleague's house. Another colleague was there and happened to let me in, as the host was in the kitchen. She whispered 'you'll need to take your shoes off here'. I thought she was joking. 'No...really' she said.
It was genuinely the first time I'd even come across the idea. So it was regional to some degree.

My kids, on the other hand, born here, learned to take their shoes off from visiting friends' houses. And they ended up taking them off at home too.

Liverpool52 · 19/06/2019 23:01

Your house your call (whether other people agree with it or not). Just take the nuclear option and don't let her in next time.

Stressedttt · 19/06/2019 23:01

My in laws do that , I think they do it to piss me off . Because they know I don’t like it .

Of course In their own homes they do take their shoes off .

Some in laws are never going to do it . I tried the slippers thing ... didn’t work .

Just realised they just enjoy being rude and stepping on the rug their grandchildren play on with their shoes on .lbecause they think it will upset me .

Your MIL sounds nice , maybe the slipper thing will work with her

Mishappening · 19/06/2019 23:01

Door mat to wipe shoes on?

TerpsichoreanMuse · 19/06/2019 23:03

If I'm welcoming people to the house, it's much more important to me that they feel that they are in fact welcome. So if they ask about shoes, I tell them it's their choice but we don't bother either way. And we have wooden floors, so who cares.

And for all the imaginary poo crumbs, guess what, we're never unwell.

Ohfuckinghellwhatnow · 19/06/2019 23:13

YANBU It gets on my frigging turnips when people just wander in and tramp over my carpet in shoes that have just walked the pavement outside, the pavement which frequently has dog piddle streaks across it, dog sh*t and goodness knows what else, and they carelessly deposit that crap in my house! Fgs, why? It just good manners and common sense to remove shoes when indoors, I would no more leave my shoes on in someone else's home than put my feet up on their sofa with them on either!

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 19/06/2019 23:36

"If I'm welcoming people to the house, it's much more important to me that they feel that they are in fact welcome."

My parents are nudists and they're happy to hear you're so accommodating. Do you have a number so they can pop round for tea some time?

Mummy3574 · 19/06/2019 23:46

I don't know why some posters are giving you a hard time OP. We all have different levels of comfort on what amount of dirt we'll put up with in the home. You have every right to make it as clean and as comfortable as you like.

My in laws asked DH and I to take our shoes off on their lovely new carpet. They have all kinds of runners and furniture feet protectors dotted all around.

In our home they took their shoes off at the door. But when it came to leaving I was agog to see them bring their shoes indoors and put them on all over our lovely new baby rug that was meant for new baby tummy time. I was seriously cheesed off, but fair enough, they're in their 60s/70s so we installed a comfortable seat for them to use at the front door for next time. Next time, we showed off our lovely new seat just for them, but rather than use the seat, they put their shoes on standing up! "No, no thanks, it's no trouble." they said!

nokidshere · 19/06/2019 23:52

You have every right to make it as clean and as comfortable as you like.

But carpets/floors aren't clean. Walk around with brand new white socks or bare feet for a whole day in your home and you will have dirt on your feet regardless of how often you Hoover your carpet.

Burpsandrustles · 20/06/2019 00:11

Far better to get flooring that can be cleaned properly op

I usually find myself on the side of the dil but here I think your mils done you a favour.

Life is too short to be worrying about a floor... You walk on!

Burpsandrustles · 20/06/2019 00:16

@XXVaginaAndAUterus

My dad was same he struggled and suffered in such pain, could barley move

All Mil gave a shit about was cream carpet, she didn't even say hello as he came thru door, no greeting nothing (Xmas) and all she said to me... Can he get his shoes off

CheerfulPotato · 20/06/2019 00:24

I don’t understand how that goes. So, what, you say “could you take your shoes off please?” and she just says “No”? Just like that?

greenlynx · 20/06/2019 01:13

I’m in shoes off camp and always take my shoes off in other people’s houses. I think you have open and honest chat with your MIL that you are “shoes off house” and ask her what way she’d prefer: slippers, extra socks, or whatever. Do this before her visit.
I actually not sure that she’s so nice, such a small thing and she is so ignorant. I think with baby on the way it’s better to start putting some rules and boundaries in place.

SurfingGiantess · 20/06/2019 01:30

... Well then I would insist she stay on the welcome mat! 🤷‍♀️

Kokeshi123 · 20/06/2019 02:09

"I'm really sorry, but we do have to ask everyone to take their shoes off. Sorry! I know some people aren't used to this, but we have to insist on this."

Also: sit down with her and find a pair of soft comfortable shoes that she likes online (perhaps a brand that she is familiar with and knows her size), and order her a pair of "indoor shoes" for her to keep at your place. Or offer to go shopping with her and buy some at a store. She may not like slippers--I am not a fan because I think they can be a tripping hazard on stairs etc. unless they are really constructed like actual shoes.

Kokeshi123 · 20/06/2019 02:12

And yeah, you are insane to get cream carpets with a child in the house, regardless of the shoe issue. Vomit, poo/pee on the floor, bottles or cups of milk getting spilled, play dough....! If you have no plans to recarpet in the near future, I suggest you invest in some wipeable mats or floor covers.

Dandelion1993 · 20/06/2019 02:37

When she arrives:

You: hello nice to see you. Don't forget to remove your shoes.

Mil: Oh no thank you ill keep them on

You: I'm afraid you'll have to take them off or leave as we've invested in new flooring and want to keep it nice.

It's your home op and if someone can't respect it (family or not) then don't let them in.

sprouts21 · 20/06/2019 02:48

I am really struggling with the idea that your mil destroyed your carpets. I've got cream carpets and if I couldn't get a bit of mud off I'd be on the phone complaining.

Sydneysider2019 · 20/06/2019 03:20

We have wooden floors and I always ask people to take their shoes off and put on our guest slippers. Im happy for people to walk around in socks if they prefer but not barefoot. Also will offer them extra socks if its cold. But I have no interest in spending an hour crawling around with floor wipes after they leave getting their foot sweat marks off the floor.
Im a pretty private person but when I invite people over, I go all out for them. In the words of one friend, they get 'the royal treatment'. I will have out effort into tidying my house, cleaning, getting nice tableware and fresh tablecloth out, not even mentioning spending all day prepping several dishes for a meal. I will put the heater/air con on and generally wait on them hand and foot.
I honestly don't see how asking them to do something relatively simple not wearing their outside shoes inside my home is being inhospitable. Im just asking for a little respect for what is important to me and my boundaries. People's homes are their private spaces - guests need to respect them the way they are asked to.

Birdie6 · 20/06/2019 03:32

She may have orthotics in her shoes, and can't walk around without them . My DH has severe plantar fasciitis, and literally can't walk without shoes/ orthotics because he gets terrible pain. When you ask her to take her shoes off and she says "no", perhaps you could ask why she can't do that. If she has a really good reason you might be able to work around that, like providing slippers or a good door mat.

FixItUpChappie · 20/06/2019 04:57

It's rude not to check with the host if you should remove your shoes. Putting the host is the embarrassing position of having to ask you to remove your shoes is rude.

^^This, exactly this. IMO it is the height of rudeness to wear shoes in someone's home but then I come from a shoes off culture and am utterly unswayed by any argument to the contrary I've ever heard on MN.

I agree though to refuse when explicitly asked us a power and control thing. I can't imagine having such poor emotional intelligence as to flat out refuse Confused

Mummy3574 · 20/06/2019 07:39

@nokidshere

But carpets/floors aren't clean. Walk around with brand new white socks or bare feet for a whole day in your home and you will have dirt on your feet regardless of how often you Hoover your carpet.

I agree, I don't think carpets are clean either, and I prefer wooden floors for this reason. But this is the level that the OP is comfortable with. Shoes just add more dirt that can't easily be removed without chemicals. It's not fair that the OP has to put up with that when the solution is so simple - just be polite and take off your shoes!

Donneytrumpgal · 20/06/2019 08:00

Our neighbour invited us for drinks and made it clear that this was to be a smart affair. So we traipsed over, heels and posh frocks, done to the nines. And then were asked to remove our shoes in the hallway, by the catering staff they’d hired for the night. Hmm It was bizarre, it had the effect of making everything so much more casual. Clothes hang differently without shoes, and there was a general mumble of horror as we awkwardly hopped trying to get off stilettos and smart lace ups, with nothing to lean on. My husband’s feet stink, they always have, and the hall smelled of death when he took off his shoes. And he had odd socks on.

One of the other ladies looked very uncomfortable and revealed several corn plasters when she took off her shoes. She said “I feel like I’ve been told to take my bra off” and I knew what she meant.
And I would rather wear someone else’s pants than their slippers.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/06/2019 08:32

How old is MIL?
Why do people keep asking this. The OP has said several times she is 65 and very fit. No mobility issues.

CassianAndor · 20/06/2019 08:56

Donney parties I simply don't understand, it's weird. I hate standing around people's freezing cold floors in my socks drinking wine. I'm a short arse and it just makes me feel like a child. How horrible for the woman with corn plasters.

I think these people like to think their friendly and sociable whilst demonstrating that they clearly aren't.

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