For leaving the house at the same time every day?

[Fruityb]

DH was a massive prick this morning just to preface this...

Every morning I leave the house at 7:30. This gives me time to drop my son off at childminder, quick chat, beat some traffic, pop to Tesco express for two minutes and get to work for 8. I have done this routine for two years since I went back to work after mat leave. It means I can get to work and get prepped for the day (I’m a teacher) and check in with who I need to.

Since we moved our driveway means one car is behind the other. As he gets home after me dh is usually at the back which means I end up waiting for him. He NEVER gets out of bed in the mornings to help with DS. I’m up at 6:15 so I can be ready for when DS wakes up - which can be the same time - so he goes in with DH while I get ready in the spare room. I then get ds dressed, get his breakfast, pack his bag and get him ready. DH gets out of bed somewhere between 7:20 and 7:30 which is beginning to piss me off. He didn’t always - he used to leave before me but recently we’ve often been waiting for him. This morning at 7:30 he was still getting dressed and when I told him to hurry up got incredibly shitty about how I have to leave at the same time and how my routine gets on his nerves. He shouted at me in front of ds (who told him off for it; he’s nearly 3!) and went and moved his car half ready. Ds and I left without saying another word.

Aibu?? Am I ridiculous for this or is he taking the piss? I don’t see why I should have to compromise and work around him because he can’t get his arse out of bed. He’s laid there reading the news - he could easily get up with us and help with breakfast or pack ds bag. But no - all that is me.

I don’t think I am and I don’t think I’m weird for leaving the house at the same time. He doesn’t take ds to Cm as he says it means the traffic is busier for him getting to work - five minutes makes a huge difference here - but then leaves when I do anyway!! He could take him he just chooses not to imho. I probably do 80% of the parenting in the week - it’s exhausting.

I do put ds to bed at the same time and I go to bed at the same time every night as sleep is important to me. I am mentally drained all day and need that time to switch off: I don’t go to sleep as invariably dh comes to bed later and starts talking to me anyway! Doesn’t everyone do that?? Doesn’t everyone leave at the same time to get there at the same time?!

I also pick ds up every night, sort dinner out and generally do all that. Dh comes home anywhere between half five and seven - sometimes later - and the only heads up I get is usually when he’s getting in the car when he’s leaving.

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends! In the week he’s difficult and doesn’t get that routine is important to me and ds needs it too.

We sort out the parking the night before.
Once the last person is home we discuss who needs to leave first and switch around if necessary.
Can't you do that?

You don’t have a husband or a partner. You have a man child to look after. Our routine goes like this. I get up at 5.50, make kids lunch sort bags , clothes etc , feed animals, eat breakfast. Kids get up, I get in shower husband up st same time as kids, he makes breakfast for them, gets them changed, in the car and drops off. We both share pickups and dinner duties. THAT is a partnership!

Your DH is a part time dad and you’re both modelling to your son that mums parent during the week and dads only step up at weekends.

But I’d wager if you wrote down how you split tasks at the weekend, it’d mainly be split down old fashioned sexist lines.

A quick solution would be to sway cars the night before so you're not relying on him to move in the morning, me and my DH have the same parking set up and I usually am blocked in because I leave later than him but on the odd occasion when i go first we usually swap the cars that night.

That's the practical solution but in regards to what happened this morning, he was bang out of order and he owes you a massive apology and wtf doesn't he help with his child in the mornings? I'd be bringing that up, that's a bigger issue than the car thing imo

swap cars*

You both work FT? So you both do half the parenting.

Why does he feel he doesn't need to do half of that work? Have you asked him why he feels you should do all of it during the week?

dh is an awesome dad and a great husband

Jeez - that would drive me mad. Why doesn't he do his fair share?

There's a practical solution to the car issue, but the bigger problem is him being quite so entitled and lazy.

Pull him up on it!

The car parking and what time you leave the house are not the issue here. It is perfectly normal for a working person (unless they work shifts obviously) to leave the house at the same time each day. That's a complete red herring.

The real problem is that you have a DH who opts out of parenting 5 days out of 7, leaving you to run yourself ragged while he has a lie in, then shouts at you for having the audacity to lead your life according to some kind of routine (not just normal but essential to survival when you work and have a small child!) and you've become so accustomed to his selfish fuckwittery that you think he's "awesome" and "great" in spite of the above!

What a prick.

Forgot to add, while it's touching that your lovely 3yo defended you when your useless twat of a DH shouted at you, he really shouldn't have to. What he needs is to see you standing up for yourself and his Dad treating his Mum with respect.

OPS definitions are squiffy....

"Awesome Dad" = Lay around in bed in morning whilst someone else does all the stuff need for my child, and refusing to spend a any extra time with him, when I could do the CM drop off in the morning, despite knowing I'm probably not going to see my child that evening because I have no idea of when I'll be home, and often it will be at or past bedtime.

And "Great Husband" = shout at my wife when she asks me a reasonable thing to solve a problem of my own creating, bonus greatness for doing this in front of my child! Wake my wife up when she's clearly trying to sleep. Also I'll just block my wife in in the morning, rather than spending an extra five minutes shuffling cars upon my return so it works for both of us.

someone needs a new dictionary...

No offence OP, but this thread doesn't make me feel like I'm missing out on much by parenting my son solo YANBU but you should be able to expect more from your DH.

Not an awesome dad, no.

Pretty shit husband too.

Solutions:

1. Park your car at the end of the drive. Tell him to park on the road or fuck off.
2. Leave at 7.30 in a taxi, without another word. Hey, he can parent for a change and do the childminder!

1. If you're being super nice, you could even tell him he's got one more morning to a. apologise for being a lazy entitled dick and b. make sure his car is moved before 7.20, before you implement either 1 or 2.

Thanks guys - sorry couldn’t check till now!

I did say he’s an awesome husband because I am happy in this relationship and we work together well. But you’re right in terms of our child we do not. This isn’t right is it.

I will be having a conversation and I will be parking my car in front of the house when we get home tonight so I can move it onto the drive when he gets back.

Work is difficult for him at the moment but again you’re right he has no excuses. This is just a rhythm we’ve fallen into and it’s not working or fair is it.

He does owe me an apology and I will absolutely be getting one. No question.

And to answer whoever it was that chose to focus on me posting at 9am - lessons don’t start till ten past; I don’t have a form; I was in a meeting and I then had ten minutes to get this out of my system in a cathartic fashion! What a thing to focus on....

Thanks all - I don’t think anything else needs to be said as it’s all been said lol. I need to tell him this and how it’s not fair and that routine is what keeps me sane. And it does. I’m really not someone that can wing it - it’s the teacher in me.

Reply posted during morning break when there are no kids around in the office for the sake of clarity.

I'd have left in his car without your DC so he had to do the childminder trip.

Set the tone and have your husband sort of the cars when he comes home, no doubt you'll already be busy.

I’m not saying this to stick the boot in, OP, but please don’t have another child with this man until he starts doing his PROPER share of looking after HIS child. And that’s the thing, OP. This is his child too, so he needs to wise the fuck up and start taking shared responsibility.

I’m really not someone that can wing it -
Why not work in that? Being dogmatically attached to routine isn’t a good thing.

Get him to swap the cars around when he comes home and ask him to pack dss bag the night before. Surely it’s ok for him to look after ds while you shower and then stay in bed till it’s time to leave? If you can’t cope with ds then send him back to play with dh.

I'm not sure you do work well tbh. It sounds like you do all the work regarding your dc whilst he lies in bed - I bet he thinks it works well.

Eh? Your DH is annoyed that you leave the house at the same time every morning for work? Doesn't pretty much everybody who works regular hours do this? What a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about.

I think in reality what's happening is he's shit at getting out of bed and is just annoyed at having to move his car. He's lazy. Could you just take his car instead if he's pissing about making you late? Definitely raise this issue with him. Perhaps he needs to start taking DS to the childminder instead? If you find yourself waiting for him again I would just say "right, if I don't leave now I'll be late so I'll take your car, and you can take my car and take DS to childminders, love you, bye!" And off you go. I'd do this every time it happens. You aren't leaving him in the shit there, as there's absolutely no reason for him not to take his own child to the childminder. So he has no right to be angry about it.

(Be careful not to post a reply until lunch break or the MN police will get you )

That’s good that you have a plan OP- may I also suggest that once your car is ready to go first in the morning, that you break your routine, leave a few minutes early and let mr lazy take your son to the cm?

Let him see firsthand how that routine of yours that irritates him so much allows his life to flow smoothly.

@bluebluezoo he is capable of 'getting himself up' and making the bed but as I have scatter cushions, throw etc I like the bed made a certain way & the way he does it isn't up to my standards 😁. Thanks for your input though!

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends!

Which is fine, as long as your wedding vows went something like "I promise to love, cherish and adore you at the weekends only for the rest of our lives."

I doubt they did, though, OP. YANBU.

We have the same type of driveway as you. We swap the cars the night before once the kids are in bed as it's a lot easier and saves a lot of faffing in the morning. Can you do similar?

I hope you come back to this thread when you've had a discussion with your DH. Interested to know if he understands the unfairness of his entitled behaviour, which you acknowledge you've enabled.