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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving the house at the same time every day?

140 replies

Fruityb · 19/06/2019 08:54

DH was a massive prick this morning just to preface this...

Every morning I leave the house at 7:30. This gives me time to drop my son off at childminder, quick chat, beat some traffic, pop to Tesco express for two minutes and get to work for 8. I have done this routine for two years since I went back to work after mat leave. It means I can get to work and get prepped for the day (I’m a teacher) and check in with who I need to.

Since we moved our driveway means one car is behind the other. As he gets home after me dh is usually at the back which means I end up waiting for him. He NEVER gets out of bed in the mornings to help with DS. I’m up at 6:15 so I can be ready for when DS wakes up - which can be the same time - so he goes in with DH while I get ready in the spare room. I then get ds dressed, get his breakfast, pack his bag and get him ready. DH gets out of bed somewhere between 7:20 and 7:30 which is beginning to piss me off. He didn’t always - he used to leave before me but recently we’ve often been waiting for him. This morning at 7:30 he was still getting dressed and when I told him to hurry up got incredibly shitty about how I have to leave at the same time and how my routine gets on his nerves. He shouted at me in front of ds (who told him off for it; he’s nearly 3!) and went and moved his car half ready. Ds and I left without saying another word.

Aibu?? Am I ridiculous for this or is he taking the piss? I don’t see why I should have to compromise and work around him because he can’t get his arse out of bed. He’s laid there reading the news - he could easily get up with us and help with breakfast or pack ds bag. But no - all that is me.

I don’t think I am and I don’t think I’m weird for leaving the house at the same time. He doesn’t take ds to Cm as he says it means the traffic is busier for him getting to work - five minutes makes a huge difference here - but then leaves when I do anyway!! He could take him he just chooses not to imho. I probably do 80% of the parenting in the week - it’s exhausting.

I do put ds to bed at the same time and I go to bed at the same time every night as sleep is important to me. I am mentally drained all day and need that time to switch off: I don’t go to sleep as invariably dh comes to bed later and starts talking to me anyway! Doesn’t everyone do that?? Doesn’t everyone leave at the same time to get there at the same time?!

I also pick ds up every night, sort dinner out and generally do all that. Dh comes home anywhere between half five and seven - sometimes later - and the only heads up I get is usually when he’s getting in the car when he’s leaving.

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends! In the week he’s difficult and doesn’t get that routine is important to me and ds needs it too.

OP posts:
AlansLeftMoob · 19/06/2019 09:56

You said he used to get up - what changed? Is there something going on with him or is he just being an arse?

Honestly I would just park on the side of the road until he gets home in the evening, let him pull into the drive and then park behind him so you can do your own thing in the morning.

But that won't solve whatever's going on with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 10:01

dh is an awesome dad and a great husband

He really isn't. Why on earth doesn't he help in the mornings?

I appreciate it's probably hard having everyone on here saying the same thing, but...

We're all saying the same thing!

Your routine isn't the problem. Your DH is the problem.

Short-term solution; get him to switch cars around when he gets home in the evening.

Then address him actually parenting his own child, instead of leaving it all to you.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 19/06/2019 10:01

Next time, plop DS into DH's arms, say 'You take him to nursery then', and swan off in his car.

OkMaybeNot · 19/06/2019 10:02

dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends!

Read that again, but slowly.

Would you get away with being a shitty mum in the week but being amazing at weekends? No? Why not?

avalanching · 19/06/2019 10:02

My car is usually on the front and DH just swaps them over as he leaves earlier. I'm not lazy though, I take the kids to school so he knows I'm getting ready. So no arguments between us as we are both chipping in (DH makes their breakfast).

You could swap the cars over yourself I suppose, but he's a lazy prick in other ways so I can see why you are annoyed. There's no reason you should be doing everything in the morning.

AppleKatie · 19/06/2019 10:04

We have a drive like this. DH leaves last but gets home last too. So he parks on the road.

Oh and he takes DC to the childminders in the morning too.

Because he’s a dad. And I pick them up.

AdelaideK · 19/06/2019 10:05

Lol at saying he's a great dad but clarifying that with mainly on the weekend.

Yes great dads always do fuck all in the week and save parenting for Saturday and Sunday. Confused

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 19/06/2019 10:05

I sure yourself on his car and leave DS with him to sort and get to the childminder in the mornings.

You just do you in the mornings. Take his car and go to work. He can do the morning shit and get up whatever time he likes.

Talcott2007 · 19/06/2019 10:06

YANBU. You should be working your routine to make it as easy for each other as possible! I honestly cant imagine being married to someone like this!

I used to leave the house at 6am (before DH and DD woke up) when I had a long commute into London and so DH had to do everything with getting DD ready and dropped off at nursery before going to work. I handled pick up and dinner/bath/bed as often DH was back in time. (but if he was we would do it together anyway.

Now that have recently changed jobs (a 15min walk to work Grin) and start at 8am. So now the routine is that I get up at the same time as DH and DD about 6.30am - DH goes in the shower and gets ready and I sort DD out then DH still does the drop off as before as although I could walk her there myself now its easier for DH to drive her in the car and go on to work from there (10mins out of his way vs. 20mins out of mine)

Once they are gone I have about half an hour to get ready in peace before going to work myself - now obviously I would love to just stay in bed until after they have gone but that doesn't help DH? We both now get the benefit of less frantic mornings by sharing the responsibility.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 19/06/2019 10:06

*insure

Cherry4weans · 19/06/2019 10:06

Your routine sounds exactly like mine when I was a single mum. You need strict times because a minute can throw off your day and there is noone to take up the slack.

1moremum · 19/06/2019 10:07

it's not that he hates your routine, he hates himself for not doing his part, he knows he isn't, and is deflecting it all onto you. Making your acting like an adult into a problem somehow.

why? I dunno. maybe he is depressed. maybe he feels left out of your care and attention (yes, I agree, that's stupid) maybe he is struggling with something and doesn't feel he has a right to moan about it (agreed, he isn't holding up his end so he doesn't have the right to expect you to help him) so instead of making it better he is making it worse because humans are stupid.

you are all in the right about the current situation. If he isn't participating, he has no right to make the schedule you have been forced to adopt to deal with the fact into the problem. your solution is not the problem and he needs to face that.

Bookworm4 · 19/06/2019 10:10

*dh is an awesome dad and a great husband
Why say this when he’s clearly not, he lies in bed reading the news whilst you do everything, doesn’t seem to want to make any effort with your DS, what makes him awesome? I must have different expectations 🙄

Morgan12 · 19/06/2019 10:11

Why are you allowing him the long lie? If he isn't going to get up and help off his own back then you will obviously need to tell him to.

He could be sorting DS when you get ready.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 10:11

Tell him to be responsible for getting your 3 year old dressed, fed and to nursery, so that you can ditch your routine.

NCforpoo · 19/06/2019 10:25

DH sounds like a lazy shit (less for the mornings, more for the evenings!)
But why don't you swap you cars before going to bed?

mindutopia · 19/06/2019 10:27

Why isn't he parenting his child? I think most people leave the house at the same time every day, because they have to be to work at the same time every day. I have to catch a train at 6:50am and I leave every day that I work in the office at exactly 6:25.

In the short term, if he parks behind you, surely he can just take 2 minutes to shuffle the cars so your car is behind when he gets home. But that's not the real issue here. He needs to parent his child. Why not trade off so you each have your days that you need to do the run to the CM? My dh does it 2-3 days a week (the days I need to get the 6:50 train!) and I do it the other 2-3 days a week. No complaining because we both expect to do our share.

NCforpoo · 19/06/2019 10:28

We have a similar set up, but sort of opposites.
DH leaves before we do in the morning. I do drop off and drive my (long) commute to work.
He does pick up then and if I'm going to be late I tell him.
As he gets home before me he leaves the car on the road. If there's no space we swap them round before bed.

Sounds like your DH should be doing morning routine....

bluebluezoo · 19/06/2019 10:29

I'm a teacher tok and have to leave by 7.20 to drop at nursery etc and get to work. This absolutely would not happen if dh didn't get up and help dress the kids etc. He always brings us me a cuppa up while I'm getting dressed too

Same as o/p though, if your dh has longer in the morning why do you get up even earlier for the nursery run? Why doesn’t he do it?

When i have to work early i get up and leave. Dh gets the kids ready by himself, drops them off and goes to work.

BearRabbitPants · 19/06/2019 10:29

Jesus he wouldn't last 5 minutes in my house. If DH doesn't have to go in to work till later (usually he leaves at 6:30) I still make him get up at the same time so I can make the bed lol! Haven't you had the conversation with him before now that you're sick to death of being the only one sorting DC in the morns and evenings? I do mornings with both DC as DH is never there (except weekends) but evenings is shared he sorts one & I sort the other, so we both have the same 'down time' I'd be seriously fucked off in your position & very resentful.

Ihatehashtags · 19/06/2019 10:30

He’s a lazy prick. Take his car

Sceptre86 · 19/06/2019 10:30

Yanbu but you are being unreasonable by accepting and enabling this behaviour. Why do you allow this? Why can't he do the little ones breakfast or pack his bag the night before? If he gets in at half five sometimes why can't he make tea instead of you? Parenting is not just for weekends and justifying it by saying he is a great dad and dh at the weekends is just laughable. In the kindest way you are really doing yourself no favours by taking on everything. The likelihood is that the resentment will just build and that wont be good for any of you. I would be having a serious word about splitting chores if I were you. If you want his behaviour to change you need to stop enabling it, otherwise stop complaining and find ways in which you can make your own life easier.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 10:31

Also, sorry if this has been addressed. Why doesn't your DH take your kid to nursery so it's less of a long day for them? It's always been the parent who leaves later/ gets back earlier who does the pick ups here to reduce their day where possible.

bluebluezoo · 19/06/2019 10:31

Jesus he wouldn't last 5 minutes in my house. If DH doesn't have to go in to work till later (usually he leaves at 6:30) I still make him get up at the same time so I can make the bed lol!

Or alternatively, you could just get yourself sorted, and he, a grown man, can get himself up and make the bed?

S1naidSucks · 19/06/2019 10:32

Even your three year old is smart enough to recognise that your husband is a wanker. Why can’t you see it?