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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving the house at the same time every day?

140 replies

Fruityb · 19/06/2019 08:54

DH was a massive prick this morning just to preface this...

Every morning I leave the house at 7:30. This gives me time to drop my son off at childminder, quick chat, beat some traffic, pop to Tesco express for two minutes and get to work for 8. I have done this routine for two years since I went back to work after mat leave. It means I can get to work and get prepped for the day (I’m a teacher) and check in with who I need to.

Since we moved our driveway means one car is behind the other. As he gets home after me dh is usually at the back which means I end up waiting for him. He NEVER gets out of bed in the mornings to help with DS. I’m up at 6:15 so I can be ready for when DS wakes up - which can be the same time - so he goes in with DH while I get ready in the spare room. I then get ds dressed, get his breakfast, pack his bag and get him ready. DH gets out of bed somewhere between 7:20 and 7:30 which is beginning to piss me off. He didn’t always - he used to leave before me but recently we’ve often been waiting for him. This morning at 7:30 he was still getting dressed and when I told him to hurry up got incredibly shitty about how I have to leave at the same time and how my routine gets on his nerves. He shouted at me in front of ds (who told him off for it; he’s nearly 3!) and went and moved his car half ready. Ds and I left without saying another word.

Aibu?? Am I ridiculous for this or is he taking the piss? I don’t see why I should have to compromise and work around him because he can’t get his arse out of bed. He’s laid there reading the news - he could easily get up with us and help with breakfast or pack ds bag. But no - all that is me.

I don’t think I am and I don’t think I’m weird for leaving the house at the same time. He doesn’t take ds to Cm as he says it means the traffic is busier for him getting to work - five minutes makes a huge difference here - but then leaves when I do anyway!! He could take him he just chooses not to imho. I probably do 80% of the parenting in the week - it’s exhausting.

I do put ds to bed at the same time and I go to bed at the same time every night as sleep is important to me. I am mentally drained all day and need that time to switch off: I don’t go to sleep as invariably dh comes to bed later and starts talking to me anyway! Doesn’t everyone do that?? Doesn’t everyone leave at the same time to get there at the same time?!

I also pick ds up every night, sort dinner out and generally do all that. Dh comes home anywhere between half five and seven - sometimes later - and the only heads up I get is usually when he’s getting in the car when he’s leaving.

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends! In the week he’s difficult and doesn’t get that routine is important to me and ds needs it too.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 19/06/2019 09:27

Tell him m tonight, either swap the cars over or take son to CM... Choose....

WomanLikeMeLM · 19/06/2019 09:29

Your a teacher on MN posting at 9Am presumably when the kids are in school?

TheFastandCurious · 19/06/2019 09:30

Another child growing up witnessing ‘women’s work = childcare’ while dad lazes around as he is more important.

And the cycle continues.

YANBU to leave the house at the same time each day but YABU to keep setting this example to your DC.

PotolBabu · 19/06/2019 09:30

Yes, not only is the ‘other than being a lazy arse he’s a great husband/Dad’ bit baffling it also shows how conditioned intelligent women are to set the bar as low as possible.
I mean yes my DH does all the things I mentioned. That doesn’t make him some kind of saint. It just makes him a parent and an adult. Like me. I’m not giving him a medal for that unless I’m getting a medal too!

diddl · 19/06/2019 09:30

I will start by saying that your husband sounds absolutely awful.

I will also say do you need to go to Tesco Express every day/get to work at 8?

In which case you maybe could have waited a couple of minutes on this occasion.

But mainly the first point.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 19/06/2019 09:31

Not a good dad.
Is a total knob.
Poor you.

RosemarysBush · 19/06/2019 09:32

YANBU. Routine is very important when you have lots to do/children/pets/other people to think about and organise.

When you’re only thinking about yourself, you can wing it, get up/ go to bed late, do what you want when you want without having to consider anybody else....🤔

Shesontome · 19/06/2019 09:34

My DH would have been similar. He is a night owl and I am definitely a lark. It meant I did more in the mornings but on weekend afternoons when I flaked out and had a nap he was fantastic. So it all evened out IMO.

If the only problem here is the position of the cars that’s easily solved by DH swapping them around at night. If there is more to it than that you might need to do some negotiating OP.

LoopyLu2019 · 19/06/2019 09:35

I ring my DP as I'm approaching the house and he pops out to moves his car so i go at the back of the drive and him behind so his is ready for him to leave first in the morning.
If it wasn't for only having business insurance on one car he'd take which ever was first off the drive. (I'm secretly grateful of the nuisance of car swapping as mine is way nicer than his!)

Whatthefoxgoingon · 19/06/2019 09:36

Why are so many women’s bar for husbands and fathers set so bloody low??

Beautiful3 · 19/06/2019 09:37

Agree with another poster. Swap the cars over the night before. Just try it.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 09:37

If only having a penis didn't stop male parents actually parenting eh

Teddybear45 · 19/06/2019 09:37

He’s not a dad right now just a lodger. You need to either give him an ultimatum or leave

SnugglySnerd · 19/06/2019 09:40

My neighbours have similar on their drive. She works early shifts and he does s more 9-5 job. She gets home earlier and parks on the road outside their house (very quiet road, doesn't cause an obstruction) so that when he gets home he can pull up to the house. He then moves her car onto the drive behind his own. Problem solved! Probably wouldn't work if you lived on a busy road though.

I'm a teacher tok and have to leave by 7.20 to drop at nursery etc and get to work. This absolutely would not happen if dh didn't get up and help dress the kids etc. He always brings us me a cuppa up while I'm getting dressed too. Your dh needs to pull his weight and I say this as someone who massively struggles with mornings and getting g out of bed so I get why he stays there!

musicalxo · 19/06/2019 09:40

YANBU. He's a lazy selfish arse. Sorry OP.

LillithsFamiliar · 19/06/2019 09:43

For the car, park your car in the street when you get home so your DH can park on the drive first. Then you can move your car into the drive or just keep it on the street.
As for everything else, I agree with PPs. You shouldn't be doing everything and your routine is not the problem. Your DH needs to start pulling his weight.

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 19/06/2019 09:46

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband but mainly at weekends!

Re-read your post. No, he isn't.

DarlingNikita · 19/06/2019 09:46

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband

Why do people keep writing this?!

He ISN'T.

He's a lazy shit, ducking parenting responsibility, and being aggressive and bad-tempered about it. You need a serious conversation.

Tooner · 19/06/2019 09:47

He's a bloody lazy parent who has got it it made. He doesn't want to take any responsibility for childcare or any of the other stuff he thinks is 'womens work'

I would park up at the bottom of the drive tonight and every night so he has no choice but to move your car to get his on the drive then he can park yours behind.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/06/2019 09:47

He's just lazy. Not really sure he's a knob!
Lots of people are lazy, he needs to step up and get up when you do, though.

Phoningliz · 19/06/2019 09:47

Don’t get me wrong - dh is an awesome dad and a great husband

Argh! Make it stop!

Phoningliz · 19/06/2019 09:49

Tell him you've been thinking about what he said this morning, and you're happy to try doing things differently. What does he suggest? Because I doubt that he's about to offer to take his son to childcare.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 19/06/2019 09:52

If the problem is just about the cars (and it sounds like there may be more, but perhaps thats a different post for relationships...) then sort the cars out the night before. It seems ridiculous to me that you have an immovable morning routine that depends on someone else if that person is unreliable. Just take care of the cars the night before and then you don't have to factor him into the equation in the mornings.

(And then maybe evaluate as a family how best to split responsibilities at home.)

Benes · 19/06/2019 09:53

He is not a great dad or husband....you don't get to just step up at weekends!
We use to park like this but we're both insured on each others cars so whoever left first took the car at the front.

CookieDeal · 19/06/2019 09:55

Agreed on sorting the cars out the night before. But that won't solve the fact that he doesn't bother to parent during the week and leaves it all to you. That's not being a great dad, that's being a selfish muppet.