DH and work issue

[ILoveEurovision]

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

So many available compromises, he can sightsee, he can leave DS with PUL for a while and have free time, you could both have a night out for a few hours, he could leave early and get a couple of days alone.

Would he agree to any? I think not!

YANBU!

The more I think about this and read I have come to the conclusion that the OP should find a nursery and tell OH to get off his backside and find a job, she said no-one wants what he used to do for a living, so bloody retrain. I had to after being a SAHM for six years.

To two children born 2.5 years apart. I should add. We lived somewhere so rural there were no nurseries.

Options:

• you all go to your parents at the start of the week. He takes the baby home on Wednesday.
• you take the baby with you to your parents, he comes up on Wednesday and you all go back home on Friday.
• you let him stay at home all week and do useful house projects, and your parents look after the baby while you are at work

You are breastfeeding and being the sole provider, it's a new job so will be a stressful week. I think in this scenario you should get to do what's best for your career, baby and mental health. His only reason for not helping you in this way is he 'doesn't like his inlaws' - he needs to put you first for this short period.

@newmomof1

When someone trots out RTFT, that’s ok, but if I respond in kind that’s shirty? Ok then 🙄

The child will still need 5 days worth of expressed milk if she's working from the offices for the first 5 days..

Sigh. It is really so hard to understand? If baby is in London with mummy, mummy can express enough extra milk for a feed on the day it’s needed. If baby is far away, mummy needs to build up a supply to last a week. If baby runs out in that week, no problem as mummy is right there and can express more.

And, once again, it’s not about how much milk, it’s about the method of feeding. Putting a baby on a bottle for every feed for a week will not only raise the risk the baby won’t return to be BFing, after potentially being quite upset at it not being available. It will also likely damage the OPs supply.

Baby will be 1 so no need to breast feed at that stage - if you really want to then expressing would be possible

No need to breastfeed at any stage, but absolutely the OPs right to continue as long as possible if she wants to. She shouldn’t have to quit just because her DP is being an arse.

Surely if he is to be a sahd then being at home with your child is a good way for them to establish a routine together.

I get thay you're breastfeeding but surely you have a plan in place for when you child wants a feed and you're not there.

He doesn't want to go and it sounds like by trying to force it, you'll make things worse.

Surely if he is to be a sahd then being at home with your child is a good way for them to establish a routine together

Actually this sounds like a REALLY bad plan to me.

No one seems to be talking about how stressful it could be for the baby to have no contact whatsoever for at least five days, especially as it's been brestfed and mum and baby are co sleeping. I think the baby is likely to be very fretful and feel abandoned. Given that 'sahd' doesn't sound all that involved in babie's care at the moment, and hasn't cared for baby for more than a few hours at a time, it's extremely likely that neither fther or baby will cope very well and that mother will be called home early from her week in the office.
Father needs to start becoming the main carer now, to establish himself in that role, and to see if how well he can cope.
I get the impression that OP isn't very assertive in the relationship, and I think this needs to change very quickly.

don't you trust him to stay in your home town with his and your child?!

I would be careful about trying to express a whole weeks worth of milk TBH.I never got the hang of it myself.I think just to take baby with you or not go at all unless you need to .Is DH happy about being a SAHD do you think?.To not want to travel or see your parents seems a bit unhelpful TBH. Have another chat and see what he says .Maybe he would be happier at work P/T while you have childminder /Nursery ?

I’m abit torn with this tbh and I keep changing my vote.

I’m a SAHM and I could literally think of nothing worse than having to spend every single day with MIL whilst he’s at work because he insisted on me coming with him, it’s his choice to go (you said it was a suggestion you could make to your employer so I’m taking it that it isn’t necessary).

OTOH I think that it would be extremely stressful after just finishing may leave to be away from your baby for a week and also probably stressful for your baby especially if until that point you have been feeding well and are established.

Where I think your DH is BU is that there should be a middle ground ie. he goes for 2 nights/3 days. I don’t think he should flat out say no, I think there has to be a compromise, that’s what I would do. I’m grateful that DH works as hard as he does so I would want to work with him so he also felt happy.

Your husband sounds like a controlling lazy arse. Does the arrangement between you work for you? You seem to be doing all the compromising. I'm not sure I could respect someone young enough to have a baby but who had no intention of supporting themselves ever. Trying to isolate you from your parents using emotional blackmail is incredibly manipulative.

But in the short term:

Has anyone suggested a hotel yet? Or an air B&B?

Expensive but that way you get your career off to a solid start, and you're not separated from your baby during your first week back. You can still spend time with your parents but DH won't have the excuse of not wanting to stay with them.

If anyone's interested, DH and I have talked. It has been difficult because obviously the thing I'm more frustrated about is generally feeling unsupported and various things that he did during the pregnancy/after the birth, more than the most recent thing (so sorry if this has turned into a dripfeed).

• He said that he didn't realise I am missing my family and thought I was "semi-estranged" from them anyway?!? I am completely confused by this comment. I was living with my parents when we met FFS. I have much less contact with them now, but that's largely due to him.

• He magically doesn't remember all the negative things he has said about my family, all the times I have said I want to visit them in London and he has said he didn't want to (I went on my own a fair few times before the baby), that when he did used to go with me he would moan that he wanted to put the TV on after an hour rather than talk to them even though it would be rude and we just talk when we go to his relatives etc. But he has said we should visit them in the next few weeks if I want to.

• I have been upset because my brother's wife has had a baby a couple of months ago and I said I wanted to meet my niece. They live the other side of the country but she's my first niece. DH said he didn't think my brother was that nice and that we could go see them when we go to DH friend's wedding next year as that's nearby! He has now accepted that we should go visit them.

• He also magically doesn't remember a lot of the selfish things he did during the pregnancy/after the birth and says that it seems unlikely that I am remembering correctly because he is a "nice guy" who wouldn't do stuff like that. Anything he can remember he has a rose tinted version of. This includes pressuring me to go do food shopping frequently whilst pregnant even though I had nausea and could barely look at food and I kept telling him that definitely couldn't all the heavy tins and things we needed anyway as I was struggling getting around worried about the baby as you're not supposed to carry heavy things but he kept telling me how inconvenient that was, and also pressuring me to do cleaning etc. after my EMCS (all this whilst he wasn't working of course but spending several hours a day exercising). He eventually agreed to do the cleaning himself but there was a lot of "Surely the doctors just said that you can't lift the vacuum for 6 weeks but you can do everything else!" and me having to justify that I needed to rest and look after the baby and this really damaged my feelings towards him as it felt like we're not on the same team anymore, we're on opposing sides.

• he said that the suggestion that I go to London for a week and express some milk before wasn't a "serious comment". He is always doing this. He makes stupid comments and hurtful jokes and then gets all defensive and gaslighty when I point out that they don't make sense/are hurtful and makes out likes it's my problem for taking him seriously! One of the reasons I was unhappy in my old job was that DH (as well as some of his friends) made it clear that they thought my employer was immoral, but then when I said to DH that this was one of the motivators for me changing jobs he makes out like I shouldn't have taken what he said seriously. He used to get all sanctimonious and yell things at the TV when an advert for my old employer would come on after he had had a drink on weekend nights, but then expects me to just brush this off. Anyway, after speaking with my new boss they're content with me just doing regular day trips to London so we don't need a stay with my parents other than to visit.

I think fundamentally DH has always thought that he is a "good guy" and didn't believe he was capable of being selfish, but I think he is starting to accept that he has been a bad husband for the last couple of years and has been very selfish at times. He has been quite tearful because he sees how upset I am.

I want to work on this for DS's sake and I think DH does too. I'm sure this won't be the last fight we have and it's hard to love DH knowing what a selfish prick he can be, and I told him that I don't feel I can ever rely on him to be there when I need him given how badly I feel he has let me down. DH was saying that he feels like he hasn't properly honoured our wedding vows so I think it is starting to get through to him.

Wishing you well, OP. I hope he steps up and had a personality transplant. I would also advise you to start a secret little nest egg of savings in case you need to exit swiftly one day. Good luck

My God.

This really isn't about the week in London, is it?

This...

He said that he didn't realise I am missing my family and thought I was "semi-estranged" from them anyway?!? I am completely confused by this comment. I was living with my parents when we met FFS. I have much less contact with them now, but that's largely due to him.

...and the fact that you won't Skype your own family when he is around are probably what make me the most sad for you.

Just Skype them. Who cares about him?

He is awful. I think you know that. I hope you find the strength to move on. You don't need him, and he can still be your DC's father without actually weighing you down.

He's sounds very manipulative OP. He thought you were estranged from your family? The very family you literally just asked to go and visit.... that's just bullshit.

He sounds like he has form for gaslighting you. I'm not sure I would buy into his tearful epiphany either.

Please go to counselling on your own and work out how you feel about this relationship.

And I'd be re-thinking him being a primary carer for your child.

Firstly, he sounds too selfish to be good at it. Legally it puts you at a disadvantage should you split.

Hire a nanny or find some childcare. Tell your lazy husband you expect him to work whether it is glamorous or not.

& Don't have any more children with this prince who commanded you to clean the house while you were recovering from an emergency csection.

Out of curiosity was he working while you were on mat leave? Or just at home doing...what?

Can you not go and stay with your parents still for a few days with your baby without him? I would plan that in as it sounds like he has been coming in between you a bit. I would also do the same without him with your brother. Don’t let him control you in any way. Just take your baby for the weekend and leave him at home. You need to keep your relationships with other people strong.

@lLOVE

l agree this is more than a trip to London.

He’s ground you down, gaslighted and manipulated so much that it’s easier for you to do as he says.

Essentially, you cleaned, cooked and did all the nightfeeds etc, whilst your not so dear husband sat on his arse!

You do realise that he’s emotionally abusive? He’s alienating you from your family (and probably your friends), which works to his favour.

Have a look at the freedom programme and get counselling for yourself.

Personally, I would leave him before he becomes a SAHP.

Really do have a look at the freedom program online at least. It was such an eye opener for me about MY views.

He sounds awful and no way would l let him become a SAHP as he will get primary custody if ye split. Could you move back to your parents in London and work from the office or remotely from your dps house.
This man is not good.
But remember you don't have to do what he says. Why don't you go on your own at regular intervals to see your parents and bring baby. You don't need his permission or his company. Same for new niece. Just go.
Be very very careful what you decide here as this is not a good guy and you don't want to land in a mess.
If your parents are decent and helpful l would go to them

He has been quite tearful because he sees how upset I am.

Tears mean nothing. Watch and see if he can sustainably change his behavior or, if after a short period of time, it goes back to the way it was. That will tell you if those tears are genuine or manipulation.

@ILoveEurovision

Please don’t believe that these tears are real as they are not. Read back the last post you made....if a friend described this in regards to their relationship, you would be horrified.

You DO everything, whilst he sits on his backside calling the shots to you.

I bet he’ll come up with some excuse as to WHY you cannot see your family. I bet he’ll not allow you to take your DS and use this as leverage, so that you will not go.

The main focus is on the baby and keeping your milk going by the sound of it.
Give him the problem to solve.
The constraints are : you need to be able to BF your child every day. You willl be in Lonidon. What does he propose as an arrangement?

From your posts OP you are shouldering most of the responsibilities in the relationship and you need to step back to get him to step up (or not!)

Give him the problem to solve and see what happens. Don't be arsey about it, just be calm and hand over the problem 'I've suggested staying with DPIL but you don't want to do that,. That's OK just find an alternative solution then and let me know when it's sorted.'

I really do think you need to get to the bottom of the situation with your parents though. And stop indulging him by waiting til he's out of the house. That's nonsense and it's feeding his unreasonable behaviour regarding them. You're being too nice

My DH has been SAHP for 15 years (he started childminding too to earn money at the same time). It's a huge commitment and he needs to step up to that too and give you confidence. But you need to 'let' him do it. There are times when you just want to interfere and take over as it's not being done exactly how you want but that's one of the sacrifices.

Take your baby with you to London and have your parents look after her when you're working. If the house is big you can hire a contract nanny to help your parents for a few hours a day.
Seriously think about leaving this lazy controlling man. He is going to grind you down.

I think fundamentally DH has always thought that he is a "good guy" and didn't believe he was capable of being selfish, but I think he is starting to accept that he has been a bad husband for the last couple of years and has been very selfish at times. He has been quite tearful because he sees how upset I am.

OP, nothing in your last post shows that he is starting to accept this. What practical steps is he going to take to support you? You acknowledge he has been gaslighting you but you can’t see that his ‘tears’ are another form of manipulation.