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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not tell my militantly vegan friend she ate fish sauce?

705 replies

Snuffalo · 16/06/2019 17:45

I am a relaxed vegan, as are one of my kids, the other kid and my partner are mostly vegetarian. Basically what that means for me is that I would never spend my own money on animal products, and I wouldn't use them in my own cooking, but if someone else prepares food for me or I'm a guest in someone's home I'll eat what's put in front of me, for the most part - I won't have a sausage or a burger at your barbecue, but I'll eat the pasta salad even if has cheese in it, and I'll have some of your birthday cake even if it's made with eggs.

Anyway, my friend Alice- who is a militant, rather than a relaxed, vegan

  • was over and I heated up what I confidently thought to be vegan sweet potato and black bean chilli that my partner had made earlier in the week. I know the recipe backwards and forwards because one of us makes it at least once a month with zero animal products so I had no reason to suspect otherwise. I must say it was especially delicious this time - because, as it turns out, my partner added some fish sauce because he'd read somewhere that it's good in chilli. I didn't find out until today and now I'm wondering if I should tell Alice? I can't decide if, in her shoes, I would want to know or not. Would you?
OP posts:
redspider1 · 16/06/2019 18:33

No benefit to her or you by telling her.

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 18:34

I am a relaxed vegan You’re not a vegan in ANY sense of the word and people like you are the reason we get other ignorant people posting on Mumsnet, with “my friend is a vegan and eats free rage eggs, etc” Lying about being vegan makes it difficult for ACTUAL vegans. Also, I assume your husband knows that your friend is an ACTUAL VEGAN, so he knew he was feeding her something she wouldn’t dream of eating.

Which is it?
He didn’t know she a vegan, so made a mistake
He knew she’s a vegan, but didn’t care
He doesn’t actually know what a vegan is, because his wife pretends to be one, while eating animals
He knows she’s a vegan but is a selfish arse and didn’t care

Yes, I’ve put the same thing down twice, because I’ve a fair idea what the answer is

If he knows that she is a real vegan and you tell her, then I imagine she’ll never eat in your house again and she’ll think your husband is an arsehole.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 18:34

Most of us can see a huge difference between eating meat every meal and being vegan at home but accepting whatever you are offered elsewhere. Why does moving to a more vegan approach have to be so arrogant and elitist?

Exactly. They don’t actually care about the animals they just care about making themselves look good.

Telling OP what she’s doing is pointless and doesn’t count as a vegan is basically giving her free rein to eat meat every meal. Because why not? She might as well if what she’s doing doesn’t count in the slightest! By saying she’s an at home vegan she’s doing better than 90% of the population.

Guess what vegans, you aren’t perfect, do you know how many mice are killed during bread making? As soon as OP said she’s not a militant vegan I knew this thread would become a cesspit.

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 18:34

Stop berating OP about her choices. I think being relaxed vegan or even vegetarian is commonplace now. If we all ate just a little less animal product the world would benefit.

Butchyrestingface · 16/06/2019 18:35

You’re not vegan. You’re not even vegetarian if you’d have knowingly eaten that fish sauce. You sound like a “strict” omnivore. Grin

I wouldn’t tell her. What would you gain from it? Confused

Pinkmouse6 · 16/06/2019 18:35

There’s no such thing as a ‘relaxed vegan’. You’re either a vegan or you’re not and you’re definitely not. Veganism isn’t just a diet, it’s a whole lifestyle.

I wouldn’t tell her because I’m sure she’ll be upset and you’ll lose a friend. She’s a vegan, you’re not. I say this as a non-vegan so not from a preachy vegan place, it’s just factual that a vegan would not eat cheese or fish sauce, ever!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/06/2019 18:35

@Windyone ok I see its more than just food. But tbh if its just the difference between 'mostly vegan' and 'mostly vegan diet' then that does sound a bit petty to jump on OP for terminology.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 18:36

Maybe there needs to be a new word for eating animal product free 90% of the time........oh wait it's relaxed vegan!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/06/2019 18:37

You are either vegan or not. You can not be both. You can be a vegetarian that follows a mainly vegan diet or an omnivore who follows a mainly vegan or vegetarian diet. If you are vegetarian mainly vegan why would your DH think its ok to put fish sauce in your chilli?

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 18:37

I think being relaxed vegan or even vegetarian is commonplace now.

Yes, unfortunately people are becoming more ignorant about what it takes to be a vegan or vegetarian, but quite fancy pretending to be one, because they need to have special label.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 16/06/2019 18:37

Eating less meat (and I eat very little myself, these days) does not make you a relaxed vegetarian. It means you don’t eat a lot of meat, nothing more.
Flexitarian my arse...

Tolleshunt · 16/06/2019 18:38

Christ alive, I didn't realise 'vegan' was a trademark term Hmm

So what if OP is 'mostly' vegan? Given how hard such a restricted diet is for most people to stick to, I would have thought that vegans would be happy she's prepared to voluntarily restrict herself 99% of the time, not beat her up because she's not 100% inflexible about it. Surely, if you think veganism is a good thing, OP is doing way better than a complete omnivore like me. Getting sniffy about the term seems really anal to me, and completely counterproductive if you genuinely want fewer animal products eaten.

OP, I wouldn't tell her, provided you are 100% committed to ensuring any food you serve her in future is 100% vegan, including asking your DP about anything he's made. She can't uneat the food now, and may feel really bad if she knows. IMO telling her would basically be you offloading your guilt onto her (not that you should be feeling guilty, but you obviously do).

PristineCondition · 16/06/2019 18:38

See this is why people think ACTUAL VEGANS are sanctimonious arseholes.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 16/06/2019 18:38

Also, I assume your husband knows that your friend is an ACTUAL VEGAN, so he knew he was feeding her something she wouldn’t dream of eating.

Errrm in your haste to be so rude I think you missed the part where the OP heated up the food (I assume it had been frozen/left in the fridge as leftovers or an extra portion). Her husband wasn't actually there by the sounds of things...

kaldefotter · 16/06/2019 18:38

Don't tell her. No good would come of that.

Like others, I'm a bit bewildered by your understanding of vegan and vegetarian.

You're not a vegan. Your husband, who used fish sauce in a meal he made for his 'vegan/vegetarian' family, is not a vegetarian.

How about you're honest with yourselves and just say you avoid meat products?

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 18:38

No not at all S1 many people are vegan when they can absolutely control their food and more relaxed when they can't. Simple as that.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 18:38

But why does it matter so much to other people what someone eats or what they call themselves?

Butchyrestingface · 16/06/2019 18:38

Telling OP what she’s doing is pointless

Has anyone actually said that?

I don’t think the OP is any type of vegan but I certainly don’t think her choices are pointless. I wish I had the willpower to reduce my meat consumption to even once a day, but alas, I am a hardened carnivore even though I think eating meat is morally wrong.

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 18:39

Your unhinged rant is what I was talking about 😂 what is it about veganism that attracts these nutters?

What is it about threads about vegans that attracts assholes that seem to take issue with vegans?

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 18:39

@Pinkmouse6

Why can’t she just call herself an at home vegan? How is it harming anyone? By encouraging her to just say “fuck it, I’m not a vegan” and have no accountability then more animals will be harmed.

Being a vegan is difficult, very few people do it for a lifetime, OP has found a compromise which means 99% of her diet is vegan.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/06/2019 18:40

@S1naidSucks she actualy says in her post what happend.

S1naidSucks · 16/06/2019 18:42

Wow, some omnivores really hate vegans, don’t they? Or are there more assholes going around pretending to be vegans, than I initially thought?

HermioneKipper · 16/06/2019 18:42

I’m a vegetarian and wouldn’t want to know if it was me. I wouldn’t tell her - she didn’t mean to and won’t come to anything good now.

Also to jump on the bandwagon - sorry but you’re not “a relaxed vegan” - you’re not vegan at all! This is why restaurants/people end up thinking veggies eat fish etc when people make up the rules for themselves if they fancy it. Just say you try not to eat much meat or dairy

Pizzaaddict · 16/06/2019 18:42

So you’re pescatarian if you don’t mind eating dairy and things containing fish. You aren’t vegan