To be upset that he didn't respect my wishes about taking my children out on open water

[twirlytwit]

Long story short... FIL lives in small harbour side town on south coast. There is a walled off tidal pool, with a promenade walk way which we've witness children practicing sailing in previously.
Visiting FIL for Father's Day, 2.5 hour journey by car, happy to do so, relationships are good.
He's been keen to take the children out on his two man sea kayak and small dinghy with a motor for a while. I've never really been keen - kids are 4 and 6 now so I felt too young last year to either appreciate it or do so safely.
DH and children had to go without me Fri night as I had to work Sat morning.. then follow on by train, length of trip meaning I didn't arrive until 1600.
Before going I had a chat with DH and said very clearly that I was only comfortable with him taking the children on such a small boat within this walled harbour area and organised wetsuits for them to go. I even said to him I would consider it a serious breach of trust if he ignored my wishes. Also mentioned in a text to FIL re organising wetsuits that I wasn't keen for them to go in open water.
So yesterday I arrive (Sat) the kids meet me at the train station with DH, have already been out on the boats. First thing my daughter says was 'Mummy it tipped up and I drowned'. Clearly she hadn't actually drowned! But it turns out on questioning my husband they went out in the main harbour because it was too far to walk to the walled in bit. He then said he didn't know what I was taking about about the walled in bit anyway and was generally snotty/ignorant about it.
Turns out they went out in the general harbour area, not where I asked. In the dinghy at first which did not work (motor issues), had to row it back. Whilst FIL went back for oars husband had to secure the boat by hanging off an abandoned vessel in the harbour (for long enough that's he felt his arms might fall off - his words) with two kids bobbing about in it. Then they tried the kayak and managed overload and overturn it. Thank god they had buoyancy aids on. Kids like water but not competent swimmers (weekly lessons, but daughter still in little pool). Not used to the sea. It was cold & choppier than they thought it would be, but they continued. They failed to do something up properly on the kayak and water got in so apparently 'not their fault' it was overloaded. Kids a bit upset by the shock of falling into the water but the adults shoved them back onto the kayak and had to swim in back to shore. Got them back safely but I feel by luck rather then judgement.
Not a good introductory experience for the children. I told my husband that I was cross he'd ignored my wishes but didn't wish to spoil the weekend.
Then it turns out FIL spent the afternoon fixing the motor so they can go back out today. I've just said no. Kids not even keen, yesterday put them off. Son (6) said to
Me 'daddy lied and said we were in the safe harbour bit you told us about'.
AIBU? DH now has a strop on because I've 'embarrassed him' and don't trust him and his father enough to take the kids out safely.
Alternative is we leave early as I'm sticking with no today, it's horrible weather and I don't trust them to stay in the safe area - so left it as his choice.
Am I being unreasonable and spoiling their fun? I'm not a sailor or water goer so outside of my comfort zone.

My god I take my hat off to you for not causing a scene - i would have hit the roof. Totally not on. I wouldn't let them go alone without you and wouldn't trust DH judgement at all frankly.

I would be spitting feathers! I’m not a helicopter parent that follows the kids round every activity, I would consider myself relaxed about my children, but this was insanely dangerous for two little kids. Kids only supervised by what sounds like two incompetent twits. The lying is bad but just the fact that they did it at all. My 8yo is extremely fit and swims in galas etc. Still learnt to kayak in a teaching pool with my husband and the trainer guy in at waist height. If anyone took my kids into the sea at those ages to kayak, I would be losing my shit.

There's a reason why the RNLI exists. Your FIL and DH are part of that reason.

Hope that the talk goes OK!

So was the original plan 2 in the dinghy & 2 in the kayak?

All in the dinghy & turns taken to kayak?

I What I absolutely hate about this scenario is endangering kids who have absolutely no say in the matter at all.

If adults want to make twatty hoices for themselves then that is one thing.

Forcing those choices upon kids-fucking unforgivable imo.

Fuck me, User - that video was terrifying - just shows, doesn't it!

I spent much of my childhood on an island where everybody did go out to sea at an early age and that's where dc spent their holidays as well. Was taken out in a rowing boat by my father as a small baby and first took my own children out when they were babies (ds about 4 months). Out in a sailing dinghy long before they could swim but not allowed to go out on their own until they had proved their ability.

But they had proper, age appropriate life jackets, no boat was ever overloaded, dinghies very seaworthy, adults knew exactly what they were doing, and I am bloody good at judging weather. Also, wouldn't take small children out in a kayak- they are built to capsize easily.

I live in the US and back in the sixth grade we were required to complete one semester of boating safety and one semester hunters education-this was in the 1980s and we lived 20 miles from the Atlantic Ocean. We were taught to operate a boat safely and it doesn't seem that your husband or hos father thought ahead.The children were not in life vests the vessels were not sea worthy and they exceeded the weight limits as evidenced by capsizing. I'd be furious at my husband if he did this

OP - You are 100% correct. I think that sailing is the best thing in the world, and it's normally very safe, but that does require appropriate safety measures to be taken. Instead, your FIL made a ridiculous amount of errors. I am very surprised that an "experienced yachtsman" would carry out even half of the stunts you describe, especially with young children.

RYA allows children to start sailing on inland waters from age seven. 4 and 6 sounds way too young to me for going on the sea on a small dinghy or kayak that can easily capsize! Once in the water, depending on the time of day and precise location, a person in the water can easily get swept out to sea on a 3 knot tide, which is faster than most adults can swim in open water. A child would not stand a chance.

As a family we love the water, both sailing and kayaking. Wonderful pastimes to share.

But honestly, your FIL is an absolute idiot.
I would no more trust him with your children again.

You are very lucky not to be dealing with a tragedy.
For your husband to go against your explicit wishes, purely borne of your childrens well-being and safety must be so disappointing.

Trust is so crucial in a marriage, I would be heartbroken that my DH could break our trust over the safety of our children.

You are very patient to be still there in FIL's. Because I would have left. I couldn't look at any of them.

The arrogant, selfishness of their actions.

Best of luck OP.

“Thank god they had buoyancy aids on.”

Was there any suggestion they would not?

My brother and I used to go in sailing dinghies from 6, and loved it.

But they need life jackets, not buoyancy aids. There is a difference.

I don’t think a 4 yo should have been in a kayak on open water and your DH and FIL sound bumbling.

Your DH in his idiocy has put the kids off.

The outcome speaks for itself.